BY MEYERS & MENDEL.
TERMS OF PUBLICATION.
THE BEDFORD GAZETTE is published every Fri
day morning by MKYKRS A JJLS*&BL, at $2.00 per
annum, if paid strictly in advance ; $2.50 if paid
within six months; $3.00 if not paid within six
months. All subscription accounts MUST be
settled annually. No paper will be sent out bf
the State unless paid for in ADVAXCE, and ail such
übscriptions will invariably be discontinued at
the expiration of the time for which they are
aid.
All ADVERTISEMENTS for a less term than
three months TEN CENTS per line for each In
sertion. Special notices one-half additional All
resolutions of Associations; communications f
limited or individual interest, and notices of mar
riages and deaths exceeding five lines, ten cents
per line. Editorial notices fifteen cents per,line.
All legal Notices of every kind, and Orphans'
Court and Judicial Sales, are required by law
t be published in both papers published in this
place.
TV" All advertising due after first insertion.
A liberal discount is made to persons advertising
by the quarter, half year, or year, as follows :
3 months. 6 months. 1 year.
♦One square - -- $4 50 $6 00 $lO 00
Two squares - - - 600 900 16 00
Three squares - - - 8 00 12 00 20 00
Quarter column - - 14 00 20 00 35 00
Half column - - - 18 00 25 00 45 00
One column - - - - 30 00 45 00 80 00
♦One square to occupy one inch of space
JOB PRINTING, of every kind, done with
neatness and dispatch. THE GAZETTE OFFICE has
just been refitted with a Power Press and new type,
and everything in the Printing line can be execu
ted in the most artistic manner and at the lowest
rates — TERMS CASH.
ty ah letters should be addressd to
MEYERS A MENGEL,
Publishers.
Sob printing.
mll E BEDF OB D GA ZE TT £
POWER PRESS
PRI N TING ESTABLISHMENT,
BEDFORD, PA.
MEYERS & MENGEL
PROPRIETORS.
Having recently made additional im
provements U our office, we are pre
pared to execute all orders for
PLAIN AND FANCY
JOB P R I N T I N Gt ,
With dispatch and in the most
SUPERIOR STYLE.
CIRCULARS, LETTER HEADS, BILL
HEADS, CHECKS, CERTIFICATES,
BLANKS, DEEDS, REGISTERS, RE
CEIPTS, CARDS, HEADINGS, ENVEL
OPES, SHOWBILLS, HANDBILLS, IN
VITATIONS, LABELS, ire. ire.
Our facilities fr printing
POSTERS, PROGRAMMES, &c M
FOR
CONCERTS AND EXHIBITIONS,
ARE UNSURPASSED.
"PUBLIC SALE" BILLS
Printed at short notice.
We can insure complete satisfaction
as to time and price
rjpHE INQUIRER
BOOK S T O R E,
opposite the Mengel House,
BEDFORD, PA.
The proprietor takes pleasure in offering to the
public the following articles belonging to the
Book Business, at CITY RETAIL PRICES :
MISCELLANEOUS BOOKS.
N O V E L S.
BIBLES, HYMN BOOKS, AC.:
Large Family Bibles,
Small Bibles.
Medium Bibles,
Lutheran Hymn Books,
Methodist Hymn Books,
Smith's Dictionary of the Bible,
History of the Books of the Bible,
•'ilgrim's Progress, Ac . Jfce., Ac.
Episcopal Prayer Books,
Presbyterian Hymn Books,
SCHOOL BOOKS.
TOY BOOKS.
STATIONERY,
Congress, Legal,
Record, Foolscap,
Letter, Congress Letter,
Sermon, Commercial Note,
Ladies' Gilt, Ladies' Octavo,
Mourning, French Note.
Bath Post, Damask Laid Note,
Cream Laid Note, Envelopes, Ac.
WALL PAPER.
.Several Hundred Different Figures, the Largest
lot ever brought to Bedford county, for
sale at prices CHEAPER THAN
EVER SOLD in Bedford.
BLANK BOOKS.
Day Books. Ledgers,
Account Books. Cash Books.
Pocket Lodgers, Time Books,
Tuck Memorandums, Pass Books.
Money Books, Pocket Books,
Blank Judgment Notes, drafts, receipts, Ac
INKS AND INKSTANDS.
Barometer Inkstands,
Outta Pcreha,
Cocoa, and
Moroceo Spring Pocket Inkstands,
Glass and Ordinary Stands for Schools,
Flat Glass Ink Wells and Rack,
Arnold's Writing Fluids,
Hover's Inks,
Carmine Inks, Purple Inks,
Charlton's Inks,
Kukolon for pasting, Ac.
PENS AND PENCILS.
Oillot's, Cohen's,
Hollowbush A Carey's, Payson,
Dunton. and Scribner s Pens,
Clark's Jndellible, Fabor's 'I ablet,
Cohen's JJag'e.
Office, Taber's
Uutiknecht's, Carpenter s Pencils.
PERIODICALS.
Atlantic Momhly,
Harper's Magazine,
Madame Demorest's Mirror of Fashions,
Electic Magazine,
Godey'a Lady's Book,
Galaxy,
Lady's Friend,
Ladies Repository,
Our Young Folks,
Nick Nax.
Yankee Notions,
Budget of Fun.
Jolly Joker,
Phunny Phcllow,
Lippincott's Magazine,
Riverside Magazine,
Waverly Magazine,
Ballou's Magazine,
Gardner's Monthly.
Harper's Weekly,
Frank Leslie's Illustrated.
Chimney Corner,
New York Le 'ger,
New York Weekly,
Harper's Bazar,
Every Saturday,
Living Age,
Putuam s Monthly Magazine,
Arthur's Home Magazine,
Oliver Optic's Boys and Girl's Magazine Ac.
Constantly on band to accomodate those who want
to purchase living reading mattter
Only a part of the vast number of articles per
taining to the Rook and Stationery business,
which we are prepared to sell cheaper than the
cheapest, are above enumerated Give us a call.
We buy and sell for CASH, and by this arrange
ment we expect to sell as cheap as goods of this
class are sold anywhere
janW.'yl
2Hisr*Uafous.
TiLE * i 6
TELEGRAPH IN CHINA.
THE EAST INDIA .TEUkDtAPH COMPANY'S
Nos. 23 A 25 Nassau Street,
NEW YORK.
Organized under special charter from the State
of New York.
CAPITAL $5,000,000
50,000 SHARES, SIOO EACH.
DIRECTORS.
HON ANDREW G. CURTIN, Philadelphia.
PAUL S. FORBES, of Russell A Co., China.
FRED. BUTTERFIELD, of F. Bu tterfield A C
New York.
ISAAC LIVERMORE, Treasurer Michigan Cen
tral Railroad, Boston.
ALEXANDER HOLLAND, Treasurer American
Express Company, New York.
Hon. JAMES NOXON, Syracuse, N. Y.
O. H. PALMER, Treasurer Western Union Tele
graph Company, New York.
FLETCHER WESTRAY, of Westray, Uibbs A
llardcastle, New Y'ork.
NICHOLAS MICKLES, New York.
O F FIC E R S.
A. G. CURTIN. President.
N. MICKLES, Vice President.
GEORGE ELLIS (Cashier National Bank Com
monwealth.) Treasurer.
HON. A. K. McCLURE, Philadelphia, Solicitor. ,
The Chinese Government having (through the
Hon. Anson Burlingaine) concerted to this Com
pany the privilege of connecting the great sea
ports of the Krnpire by submarine electric tele
graph cable, we propose commencing operations
in China, and laying down a line of nine hundred
miles at once, between the following ports, viz :
Population.
Canton 1,000,000
Macoa 60,000
Hong-Kong 260,000
Swatow 200,000
Ainoy 260.000
Poo-Chow 1,250,000
Wan-Chu .100,000
Ningpo 400,000
Hang Chean 1,200.000
Shanghai 1,000.006
Total 5,910,000
These ports have a foreign commerce of $900,-
000 000. and an enormous domestic trade, besides
which we have the immense internal commerce of
the Empire, radiating from these points, through
its canals and navigable rivers.
The cable being laid, this company proposes
erecting laud lines, and establishing a speedy and
trustworthy means of communication, which must
command there, as everywhere else, the commu
nications of the Governuiont, of business, and of
social life especially in China. She has no postal
system, and her only means now ofcommuuicating
information is by couriers on land, and by steam
ers on water.
The Western World know 3 that China is a very
large country, in the main densely peopled ; but
few yet realize that she contain; more than a third
of the human race. The latest returns made to
her central authorities for taxing purposes by the
local magistrate make her population Four hun
dred and Fourteen millions , and this is more
likely to bo under than over the actual aggregate.
Nearly all of these, who are over ten years old,
not only can but do read and write. Her civili
zation is peculiar, but her literature is as exten
sive as that of Europe. China is a land of teach
ers and traders; and the latter are exceedingly
quick to avail themselves of every proffered facili
ty for procuring early information. It is observed
in California that the Chinese make great use of
the telegraph, though it there transmits messages
in English alone. To-day great numbers of fleet
steamers are owned by Chinese merchants, and
used by them exclusively for the transmission of
early intelligence If the telegraph we propose
connecting all their great seaports, were now in
existence, it is believed that its business would
pay the cost within the first two years of its suc
cessful operation, and would steadily increase
thereafter
No enterprise commends itself as in a greater
degree renumerative to capitalists, and to our
whole people. It is of vast national importance
commercially, politically and evangelically.
stock of this Company has bocn un
qualifiedly recommended to capitalists and busi
ness men, as a desirable investment by editorial
articles in the New York Herald' Tribune,
World, 'Times, Post, Express, Independent, and
in the Philadelphia North American, press,
Eedger, Inquirer, Age, Bulletin and Telegraph.
Shares of this company, to a limited number,
may be obtained at SSO each, $lO payable down,
sls on the Ist of November, and $25 payable in
monthly instalments of $2.50 each, commencing
December 1, 1868, on application to
DREXEL & CO.,
34 South Third Street,
PHILADELPHIA
Shares can be obtained in Bedford by applica
tion to Reed A Schell, Bankers, who are author
ized to receive subscriptions, and can give all ne
eessary information on the subject. sept2syl
combine style with neatness of fit.
And moderate prices tenth the best worJmausUtp
JONES' ONE PRICE CLOTHING HOUSE
C>o4 MARKET STREET,
GEO IV. NIEMANN. PHILADELPHIA,
[sepll ,'#B,yl ]
SAVE YOUR TIME and MONEY
by going to G. R. OsUr A Co. for cheap
stockings, and be convinced that the assertion of
one man selling 100 per eent. cheaper than an
other is simply nonsense. Ladies' cotton hose at
10, 12, 15, 20 ct£. and upwards. nnJitnl
BEDFORD, PA., THURSDAY MORNING, AUGUST 5, 1869.
AGENTS •fK,,
J-JLA .A- Railroad opened, ber
en days from New York to San Franciaco, and a
new interest felt in the Great West. .
The old West as it was and the New M est as it
is are fully described in our new edition of
RICHARDSON'S
"D pyond th eMi 8-s 1 n s-i pp i,
'iVrittun down to Summer ofVi 69
with new Text, new Maps, new Index, newlllns-
Lrations. 620 Pages, 216 Engravings and the
most accurate Map in the world.
Don't attempt to sell other books, old matter,
rehashed and copied, under new names. Sell
the original, complete from 1857 to 1869. Send
for Circulars which will tell the whole story.
Address AMERICAN PUBLISHING CO., Hart
ford, Conn., or BLISS A CO., Newark. N. J.
julyl6w4.
OOK AGEN TS \V ANTED.- Ex
tra inducements offered good agents to en
gage with us in the sale of Samuel Bowles' new
work, entitled
OUR NEW WEST.
a very entertaining and interesting volume, pro
fusely illustrated, and sold for $3. A splendid
book for agents, now meeting with an unprece
dented sale. It contains a full description of the
Pacific Railroad ; describes life among the Mor
mons, Indians and Chinese; gives details of the
wonderful seenery, agriculture, mines, social life,
progress and prosperity of our New Western States
and Territories, Aci, Ac. Now is the time to se
cure an agency. Circulars containing full par
ticulars sent free on application to
HARTFORD PUBLISHING CO., Hartford, Ct.
Wf ANTED —AGENTS For Prof.
\\ Parson's Laws of Business With full
Directions and Forms for all Transactions in ev
ery State, by THEOPHILCS PARSONS, LL.D , Pro
fessor of Law in Harvard University. A NEW
BOOK FOR EVERVBODV. Explaining every kind of
contract and legal obligation, and showing how to
draw and execute them. The highest and best
authority in the land. Send for our liberal
term* ; also for our Patent Bible Prospect its.
SENT EREE. PARMELEE A CO., Phiia., Penn.
Vegetable Soap.
COLGATE A CO'S
TOILET S O A P S.
NEW YORK ESTAB. 1806.
For the Delicate Skin of Ladies and Children.
SOLD BY ALL DRUGGISTS.
rjTEAM ENGINES
AND BOILERS.
FROM 4 to 350 Horse Power, including the cel
ebrated Corliss Cut-off Engines. Slide Valve Sta
tionery Engines, Portable Engines, Ac. Also,
Circulur, Malay and Gang Saw Mills, Shafting,
Pulleys, Ac., Lath and Shingle Mills, Wheat and
Corn Mills, Circular Saws, Belting, Ac. Send for
descriptive Circular and Price List. WOOD A
MANN STEAM ENGINE CO., Utica, N. Y.
Musket SHOT GUNS warranted
To shoot close and kill 60 yards. Price,
$2.50. Wanted.—Army Guns and Revolvers.
Send stamp for price list Rifles, Shot Guns, Re
volvers, to JOHNSTONS GUN WORKS, Pitts
burgh, Pa.
$9 A Day for all. Address A. J. FULLAM, N. Y.
pn> 10.00 PER DAY GUARANTEED
p*) Agents to sell the "Home Shuttle"
Sewing Machine. It makes the LOCK STITCH, a
like on both sides, has the under-feed, and is e
qual in every respect to any Sewing Machine ev
er invented. Price $25 Warranted for five
years. Send for circular. Address JOHNSON,
CLARK A CO., Boston, Mass., Pittsburg, Pa., or
St. Louis, Mo.
A SK your Doctor or Druggist for
. \ SWEET QUININE—it equals (bitter) Qui
nine. Is made only by F. STEARNS, Chemist,
Detroit. ruarl9w4
"\7"OU CAN make large pay with our
I STENCIL DIES. Samples free. S. M.
SPENCER A CO., Brattleboro, Vt.
\IT ANTED.— Energetic canvassers
Vf to make from $lO to sls a day selling one
of the most remarkable inventions of the age,
Blake's $1 Patent Chair Springs, that make an
easy rockiDg chair out of any chair. Boware of
infringers. Send for circulars to the Patentee,
Manufacturer and Proprietor.
QOLBURN'S PATENT
RED JACKET AXE.
Is better than our regular shaped Axes for these
reasons. First—lt cuts deeper. Second—lt
don't stick in the Wood. Third—lt does not jar
the hand. Fourth—No time is wasted in taking
the Axe cut of the cut. Eifth—With the same
labor you will do one-third more work than with
regular Axes. Red paint has nothing to do with
the good qualities of this Axe, for all our Axes
ars painted red. If your hardware store docs
not keep our goods, we will gladly answer in
quiries or fill your orders direct, or give you the
name of the nearest dealer who keeps our Axes.
LIPPIXCOTT A BAKEWELL,
Pittsburgh, Pa.
Sole owners of Colburn's and Red Jacket Patents.
SELF-HELP FOR THE ERRING
—Words of Cheer for Young Men, who have
fallen victims to SOCIAL EVILS, desire a better
Manhood. Sent in sealed letter envelopes, free of
charge Address HOWARD ASSOCIATION,
Box P, Philadelphia, Pa
rpHIRTY YEARS' Experience in
X the Treatment of Chronic and Sexual Disea
ses.—A Physiological View of Marriage.—The
cheapest book ever published—containing nearly
300 pages, and 130 fine plates and engravings of
the anatomy of the human organs in a state of
health and disease, with a treatise on early errors,
its deplorable consequences upon the mind and
body, with the author's plan of treatment—the
only rational and successful mode of cure, as shown
by a report of cases treated A truthful advisor
to the married and those contemplating marriage
who entertain doubts of their physical condition.
Sent free of postage to any address on receipt of 25
cents,in stamps or postal currency, by addressing
Dr LA CROIX, No. 31 Maiden Lane, Albany, N.
l. The author may be consulted upon any of the
diseases upon which his books treat, either person
ally or by mail, and medicines sent to any part of
the world. julyl6w4
4 GENTS WANTED FOR
CHAMBER LIN ' S
L B
A O
W O
K
FOR THE PEOPLE!
CONTAINING Full Instructions and Practical
Forms, adapted to Every Kind of Business, and
to all the States of the Union.
BY FRANKLIN CHAMBERLIN,
Of the United States Bar.
"There is no book of the kind which will take
rank with it for authenticity, intelligence, and
completeness."— Springfield (Mass.) Repuh/i
--can.
This is the Only New Book of the kind pub
lished for many years. It is prepared by an
able Practical Lawyer, of twenty-fiive years' ex
perience, and is just what everybody needs for
daily use.
It is highly recommended by many eminent
Judges, including the Chief Justice and other
Judges of Massachusetts, and the Chief Justice
and entire Bench of Connecticut.
Sold only by Subscription. Agents Wanted
Everywhere. Send for Circulars.
0. D. CASE A CO., Publishers, Hartford,
Conn. ; No. 1 Spruce St., New York ; Cincinnati,
0.; and Chicago, 111.
CAUTION,
An old law-book, published many years ago,
has just been hastily re-issued as "a new book,"
without even a suitable revision of its obsolete
statements. Do not confound that work with
CHAMBKRLIM'B LAW-BOOK COR THK PEOPLE.
july3om6.
KEYSTONE CIDER MILLS,
Warranted the best in the World at old pri
ces, and WILLOUUIIBY'S CELEBRATED OliM
SPRING AND ROLLER GRAIN DRILLS for
sowing grain, grass seed and fertilizers, made
with the shovels set zig-zag or in single rank.
Fanners will buy no other Find Sold byHartly
A Motzgar. exclusive Agents for Bedford and ad
joining counties.
Also a complete stock of building material,
Blacksmith's tools, shoe findings, Leathers, Sad
dling and a fu'l assortment of general Hardware,
which for the Cash we will sell at City prices.
HARTLEY A METZGER,
jul3otf Sign of the Red Pad Lock
WAGONS FOR SALE AT
jjt) KNOX' BHOPB.. near Bed for p [aprltttf
lb# torttf.
DEMOCRATIC PI.ATFORM.
1. That the federal government is
limited in power to the grants contain
ed in the Federal Constitution; that
the exercise of doubtful constitutional
powers is dangerous to the stability of
the government and the safety of the
people, and the democratic party will
never consent that the State of Penn
sylvania shall surrender her great right
of local self-government.
2. That thfe attempted ratification of
the proposed fifteenth amendment to
the Federal Constitution by the radi
cal members of the last legislature, and
their refusal to submit the same to a
vote of the people, was a deliberate
breach of their official duty and an
outrage upon every citizen of the State,
and the resolution making such ratifi
cation should be promptly repealed
and the amendment submitted to the
people at the polls for acceptance or re
jection.
3. That the Democratic party of
Pennsylvania is opposed to conferring
upon the negro the right to vote, and
we do emphatically deny that there
is any right or power in Congress or
elsewhere to impose negro suffrage up
on the people of this State in opposi
tion to their will.
4. That reform in the administration
of the federal and State governments,
and in the management of their finan
cial affairs is imperatively demanded.
5. That the movements now being
made for the amelioration of the con
dition of the laboring man has our
most cordial co-operation.
0. That the legislation of the late re
publican Congress "outside of the Con
stitution," the disregard of the major
ity therein of the will of the people and
sanctity of the ballot box, in the exclu
sion from their seats in Congress of
representatives clearly elected, the
establishment of military governments
in States in the Union and the o
verthrow of all civil governments
therein, are acts of tyranny and usur
pation that tend directly to the de
struction of all republican government
and the creation of the worst forms of
despotism.
7. That our soldiers and sailors, who
carried the Hag of our country to victo
ry must be gratefully remembered,
and all the guaranties given in their
favni must be faithfully carried into
execution.
8. Equal rights and protection for
naturalized and native-born citizens
at home and abroad ; the assertion of
American nationality which shall
command the respect of foreign pow
ers and furnish an example an encour
agement to people struggling for na
tional integrity, constitutional liberty
and individual rights.
9. That the present internal revenue
and taxing system of the general gov
ernment is grossly unjust, and means
ought at once to be adopted to cause a
modification thereof.
The report was acceepted and unani
mously adopted.
TIIE COST OF A WOHIN OF THE
l'EltlOO AVHE\ F11.1.Y
MADE CP.
Iler beautiful luxuriant blonde hair
is worth, if it be a wig, from fifty to
two hundred dollars ; if it be a switch,
from ten to one hundred dollars; if it
be in curls, from ten to fifty dollars.
Her pure white brow, her dark,
arched eyebrows, cost from four to
fourteen dollars.
Her large and liquid eyes are worth
one dollar.
Her white face and neck (when e
nameled) are procured at a price ranging
from fifteen to thirty-five.
The glowing rose and virgin lily of
her cheek costs anywhere with the va
rious soaps and cosmetics, Ac., five dol
lars.
Her faultless, gleaming ivories, if
false, cost her from twenty-five to two
hundred dollars.
Her ruby lips are worth about twen
ty-five cents.
Her round, plump cheeks, if plump
ers, cost five dollars.
Iler swelling bosom, is gotten up, if
pads, for one or two dollars, if respira
tors, for five or ten dollars, if balm and
developers, for fourteen dollars.
Her Grecian bend is worth any whero
from nothing to ten dollars.
Her plump arm (it padded) costs
from nothing to three dollars.
Her fair white arm (if bare) costs
from one to threes dollars.
Her Italian hands and aristocratic
nails are worth from two dollars up
wards.
Her corsets (therefore her waist) is
worth from seventy-five cents to thir
ty dollars.
Iler hips are rounded at a price from
one dollar to six dollars and fifty
cents.
Her delicious limbs, when in the
shape of false calves, cost from eight
dollars and upward.
Iler pretty little foot and ancle costs
from seven dollars to thirty dollars.
Her blotchers, tongue-scrapers, neck
&c., are worth two dollars.
The total beauty therefore costs, her
self, or rather some man of the period,
from about eighty-five to five hundred
and fifty and upward, per occasion, just
for her personal charms, entirely in
dependent of her dry goods and love of
bonnets.
JUSTICE in Texas is still very rapid,
if not always certain. A black mare
was stolen from a liverv stable, and,
after search, was heard from in a dis
tant town. The proprietors sent a
messenger after her, and a day or two
afterwards received a dispatch as fol
lows; "Your mare is here; I will
bring her; thief hung."
A VERDANT Cape Codder, upon see
ing u locomotive for the first time,
threw up his hands exclaiming, "By
thunner, what a darned great stove!"
For the Gazette.
THE DRAFT.
The following was written during
the war, and was intended asa burlesque
on the manner of doing business dur
ing that troublous time by some of the
"Boards of Enrollment," which prov
ed themselves absurd and farcical in
the extreme. Their "examinations"
were neither scientific nor dignified,
nor even conducted in reference to the
merits or demerits of the case, but ac
cording to whim or fancy, and, in
many instances, in a spirit of/atorif/am.
Men were sent into the service who
were totally unfit, and according to the
surgeon's examinations affliected with
all the diseases that flesh is heir to and
were only a charge to the government,
whilst on the other hand, some who
would have made good soldiers w ere
allowed to go scot free on the most
trivial pleas.
SCENE: Board of Enrolembnt.
Enter Conscript No. 1.
'What is your narno?' 'Graft '
'What is your claim?' 'Daft. 1
'Where are you from ?' -Abaft.'
'Your mode of travel?' 'Raft.'
'Please state your craft.'
'Bilin hard 9oap and 'saft.'
'Well, Mr. Graft, you can waft,'
And the 'Board' all 'laft.'
Exit Conscript singing:
'Oh! what a blessed thing to be
From every care and sorrow free ;
From carrying guns and knopsacks, too,
llow quick them chaps did put me through,'
Enter Conscript No. 2.
'What is your claim ?' 'Rheumatic.'
'Anything else ?' 'Hepatic.'
'Your temperament ?' 'Lymphatic.'
'Your disposition ?' 'Erratio.'
'Your notions?' 'Dogmatic.'
'Your politics?' 'Not Democratic.'
'Your profession ?' 'Mattock.'
'Good By ! Rheumatic Lymphatic !'
And the 'Board' was extatic.
Exit Conscript singing :
'Heighe ! here we go—
' Didn't I tell you so ?
Wonders sure will never cease,
I am clear as slick as grease.'
Enter Conscript No. 8.
'What is your name >' 'Skyles.'
•What is your claim ?' 'Piles.'
'Have yeu any other?' 'Biles.'
'Where are you from V -Niles.'
'What is your business?' 'Tiles '
'Pass out! Skyles, piles and biles,'
Said the' Board,' all smiles.
Laughing, extatic, smiling,
Thus the 'Board,' its time beguiling.
Powors mighty! scenes sublime !
Was there ever such a time ?
Honest Abraham in the chair—
Sound his praises everywhere—
Heaven bless the good old man.
And save from every selfish clan.
Provost marshals and whiskey punch,
Uncle Sam's table for a lunch,
Greenbacks plenty for a sore shin,
Now's the time, boys! let's pitch in !
Into the room struts Johnny Wike,
Surgeon declares he ne'er saw the like
Ramollissed brain —atrophied skull,
Impared ideas, memory dull,
Manifest disease within the pharynx,
Apt to travel down into the larynx.
Here's opthalmia, fistula, ptosis,
Ectropion, entropion, amaurosis.
Cataract, myopia and adfluxion,
The devil himself might cause reduction,
Anchylosis, caries, hypospadias,
Spinal curvature, fractured radius,
Hydrops, hydrocele, Hygroma,
Rachitis, malaeosteon and Sarcoma,
Atrophy, hypertrophy, phlogosis,
Hypopyon, anoyblepharon and tnybosis,
Eocondroma, hydrarthus, hydrothorax.
And something wrong within the "borax
He has consumption, gravel, gout,
Small-pox, measles, inside and out,
Yellow fevers, cholera, plague,
And elephantiasis on bis leg,
Syphilis, leprosy, struma, seabios,
Hypochondria, dementia, rabies ;
Sorry for you, Mr Johnny Wike,
I really ne'er have seen the like,
But, I'm compelled lo let you know,
You must commute, substitute ox GO !
*####*#*##*
HOW TO I.EXWTIIEX UFE.
1. Cultivate an equable temper ; ma
ny a man has fallen dead in a fit of
passion.
2. Eat regularly and not over throe
times a day, and nothing between
meals.
3. Go to bed at regular hours. Get up
as soon as you wake yourself, and do
not sleep in the day time, at least not
longer than ten minutes before noon.
4. Work always by the day, and not
by thejob.
5. Stop working before you are very
much tired out—before you are "fag
ged out."
fi. Cultivate a generous and accommo
dating temper.
7. Never cross a bridge before you
come to it; this will save half the trou
bles of life.
8. Never eat when you are not hun
gry, or drink when you are not thirs
ty-
9. Let your appetite always come un
invited.
10. Cool off in a place greatly warm
er than the one in which you have
been exercising; this simple rule
would prevent incurable sickness, and
save millions of lives every year.
11. Never resist a call of nature for
a single moment.
12. Never allow yourself to be chill
ed "through and through it is this
which destroys so many every year,
in a few days sicknoas from pneumo
nia, called, by some, lung fever or in
flamation of the lungs.
13 Whosoever drinks no liquids at
meals will add years of pleasurable ex
istence to his life. Of cold or warm
drinks the former are the most perni
cious: drinks at meals induce persons
to eat more than they otherwise would,
as any one can verify by experiment;
and it is excess In eating which devas
tates the land with sickness, suffering
and death.
14. After fifty years of age, if not a
day laborer, and sedentary person after
forty, should eat but twice a day, 9
in the morning and four in the after
-ternoon; persons can soon accustom
themselves to a seven-hour interval be
tween eating, thus giving the stomach
rest: every organ without adequate
rest will "give out permanently."—
Hairts Journal of Ueallh.
FIERCE EIGHT: TWO WOMEN EN
GAGE IN A BLOODY COMBAT
IN TENNESSEE: ONE OL
THEM HI 1.1.ED.
Within seven miles of Dresden, in
Weakly county, Tenn., lives an exten
sive planter named Gobert. lie has
one son, a lad of about twenty, with
long flaxen hair and cowhide hoots.
Gobert employs several colored people
to work his land. Among those em
ployed were two yellowish girls, of
rather prepossessing appearance.—
Young Gobert became familiar with
both, to whom he gave slight tokens
of his peculiar regard from time to
time, but managed to keep each other
in the dark with regard to his inter
course with the other until last week.
An accident led to the full knowl
edge of his faithlessness, and both girls
became violently enraged, not so much,
however, against the betrayer as a
gainst each other. At tirst they had
a slight tight; some hair was torn up
by the roots, and cuts about the face
given on both sides, but the young gal
lant parted them before any serious
damage was done. The fire ofjealousy,
however raged in the. bosoms of the
two girls to such an extent that they
silently and mutually resolved each to
be the death of the other. On Friday,
when the family had gone to Dresden
to do business, the girls met in the
yard, one an outdoor servant and one
an Indoor servant. Both were armed
with heavy sticks. The battle be-
gan at once. According to the testi
mony of the surviving lady, the con
test lasted fifteen minutes, during
which they frequently clinched, knock
ed each other down, rolled over, bit
and scratched terrifically. Sometimes
the sticks would be dropped for fisticuf
fing, and presently resumed again.
The survivor, Jane, has an arm bro
ken, an ear bit off, half her hair gone,
and four or five contusions about the
head and shoulders, and face scratched
all over. The other girl, Kate, up to
the moment of receiving the fatal
stroke, appeared to have the best of
the fight, as she bears no evidence of
rough handling, save a blackened eye
and the loss of two front teeth, which
were rained down her throat by the
point of the enemy's stick. Immedi
ately that Jane's arm was broken at
the elbow, she grasped her stick in the
left hand, and, getting a clear and o
pen stroke swung her weapon round,
and came home on Kate's neck with
such force that the girl dropped down,
and never uttered a cry nor moved a
limb—her neck was broken. Jane took
to flight at once, and keeping in the
woods as much as possible, did not
stop until she fell exhausted, about
seven miles from the scene of con
flict, near Westley's farm house, where
she was picked up by a colored employ
ee of the latter establishment. When
the family came home they found
Kate cold and stiff in the yard where
the fight took place, with every indi
cation of a fearful battle having been
fought. The Amazonian duelist was
brought to Dresden, where she confess
ed the whole tiling. Young Gobert
has been put under arrest. The girl is
in charge of a physician, who says that
her injuries may prove fatal.—Nash
ville Press.
A KO.HA.MK LOVE STORY.
The Count de St. Croix, belonging
to one of the noblest families in France,
became engaged after a long courtship
to a lady his equal in position and for
tune, and famous for her beauty.
Shortly after the happy day was ap
pointed which was to render two lov
ing hearts one, the Count was ordered
immediately to the siege of Sebasto
pol; so he girded 011 his sabre, and at
the head of his regiment marched to
the battle-field. During the Count's
absence it happened that his beautiful
affianced had the small-pox ; afer hov
ering between life and death she recov
ered, but found her beauty hopelessly
lost. The disease had assumed in her
case the most virulent character, and
left her not only disfigured but seamed
and scarred to such an extent that she
became hideous to herself, and resolv
ed to pass the remainder of her days
in the strictest seclusion.
A year passed away, when one day
the Count, immediately upon his re
turn to France, accompanied by his
valet, presented himself at the resi
dence of his betrothed, and solicited an
interview. This was refused. He,
however, with the persistence of a lov
er, pressed his suit, and finally the la
dy made her appearance, closely muf
fled in a veil. At the sound of her
voice the Count rushed forward to em
brace her, but stepping aside she then
told him the story of her sorrow, and
burst into tears. A heavenly smile
broke over the Count's handsome feat
ures, as raising his hand above he ex
claimed: "It is God's work! I am
blind!"
It was even so. When gallantly
leading his regiment to attack, a can
non ball passed so closely to his eyes
that, while it left their expression un
changed, and his countenance unmark
ed, it robbed him forever of sight. It
is almost unnecessary to add that their
marriage was shortly after solemnized.
It is said that, at this day, may often be
seen at the Emperor's receptions an
officer leaning upon the arm of a lady
closely veiled, and they seem to be at
tracted to the spot by their love of mu
sic.
A few evenings since a widow, who
was known by the entire congregation
to be greatly in want of a husband, was
praying with great fervency. "Oh,
Lord, thou knowest what is the desire
ol my heart," she exclaimed. "A
in-a-11," responded a brother, in a ve
ry broad accent. It was wicked, but
we are sure several grave members
smiled on the occasion.
What female should a shoemaker al
ways keep out of his establishment ?
Miss Fit.
VOL. 65.—WHOLE No. 5,501.
THE DTTCXKAKO'G CASE.
Some months ago, says an exchange,
a gentleman advertised that he had
discovered a sure specific for the cure
of drunkenness. He would not di
vulge the secret of what compounds
he used, but furnished the medicine at
so much per bottle. He did not have
so many applicants for his cure as he
expected, considering the extent of
the disease. In fact the more malig
nant cases did not seem anxious for re
lief. They rather enjoy the malady.
A few, however, plaeed themselves un
der treatment, and some were cured—
whether by taking the medicine or by
not taking strong drinks we are not
prepared to say. One of the cured ones
had faith in the medicine, rigidly car
ried out the directions of the doctor,
and now lias not the least taste for in
toxicating drinks; whereas, one year
ago lie was an inebriate, and could not
get along with less than a pint to a
quart ol whisky per day.
He said that, at some trouble and ex
pense, he had procured the receipt for
the preparation of the medicine, which
he had published for the benefit of suf
fering humanity. It is as follows:
Sulphate of iron, five grains; pepper
mint water, eleven drachms; spirit of
nutmeg, one drachm, twice a day. This
preparation acts as a tonic and a stirn
lent, and so partially supplies the
place of the accustomed liqour, and
prevents that absolute physical pros
tration that follows the sudden break
ing off from the use of stimulating
drinks. It is to be taken in quantities
equal to an ordinary dram andasoften
as the desire for a dram returns. Any
druggest can prepare the prescription.
It is :aid this preparation will soon re
move all longing for intoxicating
drinks. Try it, you who honestly
wish to break away from a habit which
is hurrying you to a drunkard'sgrave.
JUST THE SAME.—Some years ago
(so the story goes), a farmer living not
a thousand miles from New York,
gave one of his sons some money, and
told him to go out West and remain
two years ; at the end of which time,
if he would return to a specified place,
one of his brothers would meet him.
The young man went, and returned
and met his brother according to ap
pointment, although no communica
tion had taken place between them
duriJJJg the time. While going home
ward together, the wanderer, after re
lating some of his adventures, inquir
ed whether anything had happened
since he had left home.
"No, not a single thing," replied the
other, "everything is just the same as
when you left, except the old crow
died."
"Indeed," said the wanderer, "and
is the old crow dead? What killed
him ?"
"Why he ate too much meat when
the matched horses died."
"Good gracious! are the matched
horses dead? What killed them?"
"Well you see when the house and
barn was burned, they overdid them
selves in hauling water."
"Good gracious! are the house and
barn burned down? How did it hap
pen ?"
"Well, you see, when daddy died,
they were carrying lights about, and
were careless."
"Good gracious! and is daddy dead ?
"What was the matter with him?"
"Well, you see, when Sal ran away
and got married against daddy's wish
es, he just pined away and died."
"Good gracious! so nothing has hap
pened since I've been away ?"
"No, everything is just the same."
How SHE KNEW.—Two young mis
ses discussing the qualities of some
your.g gentleman were overheard to
say:
"Well, 1 like Charley, but he is a
little girlish ; he hasn't got the least
bit of a beard."
"I say Charley has got a beard, but
he shaves it off."
"No, he hasn't either, any more
than I have."
"I say he has, too, and I know it,
for it pricked my cheek."
That's how she knew.
"llo.w many children have you ?"
asked a gentleman of one of his labor
ers, looking around in surprise upon
the family.
"Better than a dozen , sir."
"I only make out eleven," said the
gentleman.
"Faith, an' isn't that better than a
dozen, sir, when one has to feed 'em?"
'SISTEK,' said one of the brethern at
a love feast, are you happy?' 'Yes,
deacon, I feel as though I was in Beel
zebub's bosom !' 'Not in Beelzebub's
bosom!' Well, someof the patriarchs,
I don't care which.'
A boozy fellow was observed the
other day, driving a "porker," hold
ing on to his tail, and when asked
what he was doing, replied that he
was gehog-raphy."
A man once went to an eccentric
lawyer to be qualified for some petty
office. The lawyer said to him, "Hold
up your hand. I'll swear you, hut all
creation couldn't qualify you."
An itinerant, preaching on the "De
pravity of the Age," said that the lit
tle children who could neither speak
nor walk, were to be seen running a
bout the streets cursing and swearing.
JOSH BILLINGS says; "When a
young.man ain't good for nothing else
I like tew see him have a gold headed
cane. If he can't buy a cane, let him
part his hair in the middle."
The lady who took everybody's eye
must have a lot of 'em.
The man who was filled with emo
tion hasn't room for a dinner.
Subscribe for the GAZETTE.