Who Gets Grandma’s
Yellow Pie Plate?
My grandmother died in April
and since then my mom and her
siblings have been busy cleaning,
sorting, dividing, and delivery
household items. It’s been an
experience! Given the circum
stances, I think everyone is doing
fairly well. Thank goodness we’re
all still friends.
But dividing up a person’s
assets can be very stressful. Divid
ing financial inheritance is one
thing, but distributing the other
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items the yellow pie plate, the
handmade quilt, the antique lamp
the belongings that have
immeasureable emotional worth is
the part that requires planning and
compassion. Unfortunately, some
families don’t fair as well as ours
has.
Families who are settling an
estate can follow a six-step pro
cess to reduce the associated fric
tion that may occur. Begin by rea
lizig that “fair” distribution is
nearly impossible for non-titled
assets like dishes, furniture, fami-
ly photos, etc. First make sure
everyone that should be involved
is where do spouses, siblings,
life-long companions fit in? As a
group, talk about any sensitive
issues regarding previous distribu
tions or assumptions about the
pending task.
Secondly, decide what the fam
ily hqpes to accomplish. Is the top
goal to preserve memories, to
maintain family ties, to keep dis
cussion about the property private,
to contribute to society, or to be
“fair?” Depending on the goalsT
each family will select a slightly
different plan.
The third step is to agree on
what would be “fair.” Is it receiv
ing the same number of items?
The same dollar value of items?
Having each person get at least
one “most important” selection?
Having an equal chance to “purch
ase” items? Getting back things
you gave? Receiving items
according to
emotional need? Studies record
that more conflict occurred when
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the distribution system was based
on birth order, gender, marital sta
tus, or close geographic location.
People were more comfortable
with plans that took pesonal inter
ests into account
Once a family has determined
what is “fair,” advisers encourage
the members to take time to share
stories. “What memories does this
piece hold for you?” “Why do you
have an attachment to it?” “Which
pieces would you long for most?”
Believe it or not, in our family,
three people tanked a “stone pig”
(a stoneware container that, when
filled with hot water, was used to
warm up chilly beds) as their
most-longed-for-item. Why?
Because as youngsters, we had
spent wonderful Thanksgiving
vacations snuggled up in toasty
beds at Grandma’s house thanks
to the “pig.”
After the storytelling, people
being to realize that several mem
bers may have attachments (of dif
ferent intensities) to the same
pieces. Now it’s time to begin the
dividing. There is no one perfect
method! Discuss the pros and cons
of different systems. Remember to
select a process that respects indi
vidual sensitivities and that
accomplishes families goals.
Finally, agree from the outset to
manage and discuss conflicts as
they occur. Don’t allow grudges to
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fester. Disbursing a lifetime of
belongings and memories is a dif
ficult, emotional one, but when
handled with careful planning, it
can achieve a reasonable, lasting
result
Because in some families the
property distribution experience
has been painful, some senior citi
zens avoid addressing the issue.
Actually, some of the best things
to ease the process can be done
while people are still living! When
possible, encourage an owner to
write down his/her preferences.
Don’t tape pieces of paper to items
(tape dries up and falls off). Tag
ging items may not work well
they can be switched or lost.
Simply write your choices for
recipients of your belongings in
letter form. Ask people (maybe
this week over Thanksgiving din
ner), “What would you like to
receive from our house?”
Also share with them the items
you had pictured giving them.
You may be surprised that what a
person wants most is not what you
had intended to give.
If you are willing, distribution
of the “yellow pie plate” or the
“stone pig” is much more easily
done (and less contested) when
you are alive and you are making
the handouts. Granted, it does take
time and energy.
Finally, if at some point, an old
er relative or friend gives you a
treasured item from their life/
home, instead of saying “Oh no,
you keep it for awhile more,” say
“Thank you, I will treasure it and
think of you often.”
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