84-Lancaster Farming, Saturday, March 11, 1995 Taking Time by Lehigh Co. Extension Agent Rebecca Escott Tension with Teens In the last few weeks, our local communities have been shattered by the news of multiple murders in two local families. In both cases, the suspects are teen sons. Although the cases are still unfolding, the shock'wave quickly touched all of us—parents and children alike. How could such a thing happen? How could it hap pen to my neighbor, my class mate, my co-worker, my friend, my grandchild? As a parent educator, I find myself wondering what I can say to parents and families who are dealing with this violence. The primary message that I want all parents to hear is that they should do the very best job they can as parents, but that they are not sol ely responsible for the way then child grows up. A child’s gene tics, temperament, home and com munity environment, parents, other family members, friends, other adult role models, societal messages all have an influence on how a child develops and the deci sions a child makes. You can do some positive things, though, as a parent to decrease the chances that your Mahoning Outdoor Furnaces Cut Your Heating Costs With Our Outdoor Furnace • Standard Model Burns Wood, Coal or _ Wood by-products ■ • Multi-Fuel Model Bums Wood, Coal, Oil y or Gas f" * • Corning Catalytic Combur.tor Option "Bp - Available on all Models BB Clyde K. Alderfer LJ j Box 246, RO #1 l v ß9ly' Ml. Pleasant Mills, PA 17853 Adapts to any existing heat system (717) 539-8456 Installation & Accessories Available child will choose a violent approach to dealing with tension or conflicts. First, be available to listen. Listen more than you talk. Discussing these recent news sto ries with your own children opens the doors to positive conversation. Dr. Ronald Slaby, a developmen tal psychologist and lecturer at Harvard, is an expert on juvenile violence and violence prevention. He cites research that documents the differences between youth who choose to deal with conflicts violently and those who do not One difference that he has found is that the teens who choose violence can come up with few solutions to a problem. Believe it or not, violence is not their first alternative, but they just don’t know of other possible alterna tives. He also discovered that these individuals have a very weak understanding of the vic tim’s point of view. As a parent, you can help your child to deal with tension simply by discussing “what if’ scenarios and together coming up with as many possible solutions as you can think of. Role play with your kids confrontations with peers. Sometimes it’s easier to talk about an issue if it’s framed as “suppose one of your friends....” rather than “what if y0u...”. Speaking about an issue in third person makes the discussion less intense. This approach may help your teen to feel less defensive as you brainstorm solutions to a problem. Be VERY slow to offer a black-and-white answer or unsolicited advice. Listen first without interrupting. Later, if they continue to seek your input, share your advice beginning with a phrase like, “One tiling that work ed for me when I was your age was...” or “One idea that you might try is. Jet me know how it goes.” Another strategy that may help your teen make positive choices is involvement in activities like sports, community volunteering, hobbies, and clubs. These activi ties build skills and provide opportunities frr interaction with and support from peers and other adults. But make sure that your teen is not so involved that you never have any relaxed time together. Also, remember that teens will also need time alone. Supervise your child’s time. Know where she is and what she is doing. Welcome their friends in your home. Recognize the extremely influential role friends play. From an early age, encour age relationships with children who hold similar values. Parents should stand by teens, but not over them as they make choices. Remember too that teens can be fun. Don’s get so lost in monitor ing and supervising that you never laugh or have fun together. Never let your love for your child be doubted. Continue to speak about things that your son has done well or that make him special. And remember, no per son, teen or adult, is perfect. CLOSED SUNDAYS, KEY/ YEAR, VSgr*Jgff EASTER MONDAY, ASCENSION DAY, WIBT MONDAY, OCT, 11; iHANKSGIVINO, fßlllfill£ CHRISTMAS A DECEMBER 26TH. FISHER’S FURNITURE, INC. NEW AND USED FURNITURE USED COAL A WOOD HEATERS COUNTRY FURNITURE A ANTIQUES BUS. HRS: BOX S 7 MON.-THURS. 8-5 1129 GEORGETOWN RO. FRI. 8-8, SAT. 0-12 BART, PA 17503 GOOD FOOD OUTLET STORES See Our Original Line Of Golden Barrel Products Plus All Kinds Of Beans, Candies, Dried Fruit, Snack Mixes, Etc. At Reduced Prices * BAKING MOLASSES * MAPLE SYRUP * BARBADOS MOLASSES * PANCAKE & WAFFLE * BLACKSTRAP SYRUPS MOLASSES * SORGHUM SYRUP * CORN SYRUPS * LIQUID * DRY SUGARS * HIGH FRUCTOSE * PANCAKE & WAFFLE SYRUPS SYRUPS * CANOLA OIL * COCONUT OIL * CORN OIL * COTTONSEED OIL * OLIVE OIL * PEANUT OIL * VEGETABLE OIL * SHOO-FLY PIE MIX Processors Of Syrups, Molasses, Cooking Oils, Funnel Cake Mix, Pancake ft Waffle Mix ft Shoofly Pie Mix GOOD FOOD OUTLET Located At Good Food, Inc. W. Main St., Box 160, Honey Brook, PA 19344 215-273-3776 1-800-327-4406 Located At L & S Sweeteners 388 E. Main St., Leola, PA 17540 717-656-3486 1-800-633-2676 - WE UPS DAILY - SSISSII Accept the fact that each of your children is different than you are now and that things have changed. - But don’t be afraid to speak up when you’re concerned. You can’t force your values and your choices on your child. You can share with her where you stand on an issue and why. This will help her as she makes her future decisions. As a parent you should respect and advocate for your child’s needs. Know what services are available and how to access them. Those people who work with parents of teens know that it is also critical that the parents take care of themselves, too. If you Quilters Heritage Celebration Set LANCASTER, (Lancaster Co.) Relive past generations of American quiltmaking during the eighth annual Quilters Heritage Celebration (QHC) from April 6-9 at the Lancaster Host Resort and Conference center. “Patchwork Pride”, the theme of this year’s QHC, focuses on prize-winning quilts from con tests, country fairs and exposi tions. The exhibit is curated by quilt historian Barbara Brackman. Brackman will lead viewers through the history of quilt com petitions and will outline the evo lution of quilt aesthetics to its innovative original designs of today. Fairfield Processing Corpora- m % i PAY OFF! J If your local store does not hive it, SEND FOR FREE BROCHURE have a teen (or for that matter a child of any age), make sure to regularly take time away from parenting to recharge your batte ries. Finally, be willing to ask for help. Ask for it early and often. Ask for help from friends and from professionals. None of us was trained to be a parent. Some times we need help in knowing what to do or how to do it. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness—it’s a sign of strength and wisdom. All of this takes time and ener gy, but your family and your com munity will be better because of your investment in your teen’s life. tion’s 16th annual fashion show and luncheon will be held on Fri day, April 7 at noon. 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Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers