March 15, 2002 The Lion's Eye Dr. Love meets Mr. Hate in battle of love By GERRY DUNGAN and SHAWN MANDERSON ; Staff writers Oh, what light from yonder window breaks? Behold, It is Doctor Love. The French guy who is super fly when it comes to the romantic notions of lover's emo- tions. But wait, what is that foul, putrid, loathsome, detestable, male-chauvinistic stench? Oh No! Not Mr. Hate! He's P.C. and terribly unrrrromantic "Some things are expected; death and taxes, and that's the truth. But people are afraid of the truth. The truth is the difference in everything, and deep down peo- ple hate hearing the truth. Why? I'll tell you why; some people think we live in a idealistic world when in fact this 1s a realistic world. People don't realize that ideals are practiced; it never can be real, thus idealism does not equal realism. One of these many people is Dr. Love, and realistically he needs to wake up from his dream." I'm Mr. Hate, nice to meet you. Q. Isit necessary for a guy to pay a girl on a date even if the girl has money? - Daddy No Bucks Dr. Love: No, mon amie, eet iz not necessary, but if you do not wish to pay for ze "services" of a less zan, how you say, hygienic woman, zen I would at least offer. Mr. Hate: Hey man; make her pay especially if she orders the lobster. Q. MY GIRLFRIEND IS AN ENDLESS MONEY PIT. HOW CAN I STOP SPENDING MONEY ON HER? -Whipped with gold chains Dr. Love: Zere eez a point when a girl can become from affectionately spoiled to blood sucking leech. In order for you not to kill ze creature, you must cut off ze supply. If it eez your hand, cut off your arm or if it eez a foot, cut off your leg. And zen gently weine her to harmless milk and cookies. Remember, mon amie, if zere eez love zen zere are sacrifices. Mr. Hate: This is an easy one, drop the gold digger. (After Dr. Love’s response) What is this nonsense about cutting off your hand and stuff? Don't listen to him, but Dr. Love is right about one thing, where there is love there ‘are sacrifices, so the sacrifice (in this case) is the "gold digger" girlfriend of yours. Q. My girlfriend gave me the worst birthday present ever.. tighty whities. What should I do? -Cramped Dr. Love: Ha, ha, ha, ma cher, you make me laugh. This question eez so simple! Always appreciate ze thought, for as always eet iz ze thought that counts. And look at it this way, how long will you have to wear zose "tighty whities" if she eez pleazed with your response to them? Mr. Hate: You should say, "Woman! Where's my six pack of beer." Q. Since women are screaming for equality, do I still have to hold the door open? : -Currently Single Dr. Love: Yes. Equality does not mean rudeness, my friend. Equality is treating everyone with respect. Mr. Hate: AHH! Yes they scream for equality and they still want to be treated like queens. ..please. Let them be independent like Destiny's Child said in their song, these are the same species that said they do not want "NO SCRUBS." Q. Is it a good thing that my girlfriend only likes sex with bondage? -Hand Cuffed and Worried Dr. Love: If this eez a problem with you, mon amie, then let her know. But if you both are into zat kinky merde, well, you will be happy to realize zat you will never have to buy rubbers. Mr. Hate: Come on man! That's wonderful when a girl expresses herself. Would you rather if your girlfriend Q. I really like my boyfriend, but he has a small pack- age, should I dump him? : -Unsatisfied in Delco Dr. Love: Thees eez outrageous, mademoiselle! Eez not a relationship based on love? Are you young people so promiscuous that true love eez as easy to obtain as warts? Do not think for one second that your boyfriend cannot please you with his so-called "small package," I spit on that remark! Size, ma cher, does not matter! It is ze, how you say, ze motion eet makes in ze ocean. Eef love eez in ze equation, zen I guarantee eet will be ze best damned sex you ever had! Mr. Hate: The question is not should I dump him, it should be "When?" It sounds this like is a problem, so dump him and I'll tell you why. Good things do not (and I repeat) do not come in small packages. Of course Dr. Love disagrees with me on this one, but of one the great- est lies ever told is that "Size doesn't matter." And that's second to "The check is in the mail." Size matters, and if you don't believe me then ask the men in this country that got their "packages" enlarged if size matters. Yeah, yeah, yeah, so what if a guy with a small package has the so- called "motion in the ocean," remember this; there is always a guy with a bigger package that has the "motion in the ocean." So what's better, I'll tell you what's better, bigger is always better, well at least in this case. Q. How come my boyfriend never talks to me about important stuff? 25 -Lacking communication Dr. Love: Alzo everything you guyz talk about eez tres important, perhaps ze full, how you zay, importance of ze conversations are not realized. Perhaps your conversa- tions seem shallow to him, also you might believe they are not, and yes, ze same goes for you. Zo, mon amie, I sug- gest zat you both listen with your hearts and not just your voices. : Mr. Hate: Your boyfriend does talk to you but you don't listen to him. Who cares about what happened in the mall or what Becky told Sommer or what Sandy and Kelley wore to class today. Maybe if you talked about things that mattered (not girl things) then maybe, just maybe you wouldn't hear the "silence of the dammed," over the phone, of course the dammed being your boyfriend. Guys want to talk about things that interest them like sex, sports and "ANYTHING OTHER THAN GIRL STUFF." But the main point here is, what woman considers important stuff to talk about (such as he said she said bull) may not be considered important to men, and men consider other things to be important. Sorry to say he'll never talk about anything important when it comes to you. Q. I'm always calling my boyfriend, how come he doesn't call me back? ; - Waiting by the phone Dr. Love: Oh, what a world we live in, a world where a heartless electronic machine intervenes from the melo- dious and inspiring voice of your significant other! It eez not zat your boyfriend does not want to call you but he would rather wish to die than not experience the angelic harmony of your voice. Mr. Hate: Here's a secret that most girls do not know about men, most guys (99.99%) do not like to talk on the phone because we have better things to do than to listen to you yak away about senseless bull. Besides since you are "ALWAYS" calling your boyfriend you are definitely nag- ging him. If he wanted to be nagged he would have his mom tell him to clean up his room to bring back nostalgic days of junior high. It's one of our natural instincts as men to avoid calling you, which is why men do not call women. Oh yeah! The other natural instinct is not to call you when we are not "INTERESTED!" in a girl anymore. HA HA HA HA HA! Q. I'm an intelligent, funny woman that has my life together. Why won't men ask me out? - Lonely and looking Dr. Love: It eez the wrong guys zat ask you out. You do not want ze guys that are more than willing to go through your, how you zay, "Arc de Triumph." Once you stop looking for love, love will find you. Mr. Hate: First off I can tell that you're not a blonde because, and you know what they say about blondes, "They have fun," and it appears that you are not having any fun. Just because you have your life together and you're intelligent and funny, doesn't mean that men will sudden start appearing like zits on a 13 years old adoles- cent face. Here's some advice; stop feeling sorry for your- self and get out of the house, (that's a start), and by you leaving the house and putting the books down "Ms. Intelligent" maybe, just maybe you'll meet your guy or he'll meet you in a club or bar. There are such things as a bar and a nightclub, maybe you should be like "Murder: She Wrote" and investigate them. Hopefully when you meet this guy he won't be bored by your keen intellect and hopefully (for your sake) he won't laugh at your corny sense of humor. If that doesn't work out there are always those dating ads in the newspapers that pathetic people reply to. Maybe yours should read: Single Female, Lonely Homely... BLAH BLAH BLAH. Who cares! Q. What is the best way for me to propose to my sig- nificant other? - 25 to life Dr. Love: Ah, mon amie, envision this: It is already a special day for the two of you, Fourth of July or the day you lost your virginity to her. But for this instance, let us pick the Fourth of July. You hope she notices the warm carnival atmosphere surrounding the two of you as you walk through the crowded streets where Uncle Sams amble along on stilts and little children are running around with sparklers in their hands. She is smiling. She takes your hand. You walk further and wander down a cobble- stoned little street guided by the moonlight. A gas lamp in the middle of the street catches her eye. You arrive at a lit- tle secluded Italian restaurant. Already looking for a place to eat, she gently leads you inside. Luigi greets you two with a smile and a table already waiting. She is surprised that you already made reservations. She is even more sur- prised to find that the table is on the roof! On the roof is just that single table with a single candle and two hot dish- es of her favorite Italian food. You seat her first and begin to dine. Luigi is off in the distance playing the violin and another waiter is tending to the hanging garden. But with a look from you they are gone and you check your watch. You speak to her of the future first abstract then pertain- ing to the both of you. And another glance to your watch and you take her hand in yours. You tell her all the feel- ings you have and most especially that you love her. Still hand in hand you get down from your chair and kneel on one knee in front of her. At the stroke of nine, just as the fireworks are over your shoulder, you ask her that you may be hers forever. : Mr. Hate: OHH, OOH! I know this one, how about proposing with a rope around your neck. Getting married, you might as well hang yourself. If there is ever any advice that you should take it is this: Marriage licenses do not expire, only drivers licenses do. Editor’s Note: The surgeon general does not recom- mend Dr. Love and Mr. Hate’s advice for smokers, pregnant women, or intelli- gent college students. :Do you have a burning question for Dr. Love or Mr. Hate? Drop off | ‘your questions in the Lion's Eye mail- : box, first floor Main, or email them ‘to aac136@psu.edu.
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers