Always Faithful...to Television Three more months, three long months, and I will be graduating, after 8 years of hard work. Granted, life will be somewhat difficult: at the ripe young age of 25 and a half, I will be released into the wild. I am not too dis concerted, since this is what I have been waiting for. What has taken me so long to reach this juncture in my quarter-of-a-century old life? For starters, I spent about two years on active duty since I joined the Marines in 2000. Second, there was that post-high school graduation year and a half of "excesses." Add to the equa tion my choice of so-called "friends," and it is a miracle that I have not crashed and burned, or ended up in prison or doing a stint in the French Foreign Legion (not to toot my own horn, but as a senior in high school I was voted "Most Likely To Join The French Foreign Legion"). Everything else aside, what I blame most for my current, shameful situation, is television. Television has always played a very pivotal role in my life, and continues to do so. In fact, I credit television for my growth into the cynical, sarcastic, bitter, short-tempered, ill-mannered, self-righteous, irresponsible, frivolous, free-load ing man I am today. The fact of the matter is that TV raised me, since I chose TV. As a child, I recall choosing my beloved television over playing sports with my Dad. I certainly enjoyed TV over spending time with my stupid sister, Worthless. Even at that age, I remember planning destruction rampages with my so-called friends around television programming. It didn't matter how much fire works Fadam brought back from Texas, if there was a violent movie on TV, or God forbid a sporting event, it would be a no-go for insurgency operations. When we had half-days, did we play baseball and ride our bikes? Sure, but we spent more time playing poker and watching dirty movies on Dave's TV with the hot-box. Once I reached my teens, life continued to revolve around television. Except it was more "enlightened" programming that I was watching: A&E, CNN, and even PBS (I was and remain a die-hard fan of Benny Hill, "Halo Halo" and "The Black Adde;" those crazy Redcoats with their dry humor and bad teeth...). Since, at an early age, I realized that my calling was to be the pointless knowl edge geek, I religiously watched "Wheel of Fortune" and "Jeopardy" (I am pos itive that I would put Pat and Vanna in their place if I was 0n...). Once the History Channel reared it's ugly head, it was all she wrote... Pretending to be somewhat sophisticated and cultured aside, I was still suscep tible to "Rhonda, Up all Night," and also the low-budget Howard Stern Show that my cable company picked up from the low-budget New York network. Those were the days: Howard, Robin, and Ca-ca Coey were at their best. Need I mention MTV, Downtown Julie Brown, "Remote Control," or the Spring Break programming that was carried? I would go as far to say that my life was TV, a defacto TV program of some one watching TV, and everything else (my personal and party life) were short commercials within the TV program. In fact, my memory is structured around not years and dates, but TV programs and the age I was during the respective "era." Though, there were technical difficulties with the programming. Once I graduated, there was a four-year broadcast interruption in my personal TV sitcom. Following the year and a half of "excesses," I discovered "bixiks," and "reading," in addition to turning up my sports addiction a few notches. I was a legitimate citizen, working, reading, studying, bettering myself physically and mentally. Just like when I did not smoke, when I watched TV, I would hold court on it's innate evil, and berate my "friends" for their wasting of their time... Yet the clarity of life without television has waned. It first began with Brooke Burke and "Wild On." Next, I began watching the History Channel, obsessive ly, yet again. And everything came crumbling down with Bill O'Reilly. Now there is FX and "Nip Tuck," along with Spike TV. Why God, why? TV, like marijuana, is a gateway drug. TV leads to video games, which lead to gamer tournaments, which lead to networking. One thing leads to another, and one day you find yourself surfing the web for 7 hours and fifty-two minutes on a Saturday night, researching CIA Country Guides for all of South and Central America, just because... It is a vicious cycle, and it has destroyed lives of many friends of mine. I had a friend in high school, Andy, who knew everything about TV, beginning with the 1983 fall sitcoms. He was a genius, he knew every episode thoroughly, including all the lines. Andy is nothing short of a doctor of "Different Strokes." Last I heard he gained 150 pounds, became a raging alcoholic, and failed out of Pitt (now that's low). With that said, I wonder what lies in store for me? By MARKO PRIMORAC Staff Reporter Left: Marko gets his fix playing "Grand Theft Auto." Below: Marko acknowledges his true, only, faithful, loyal, and loving "life-partner." Photo by Peter Strella
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