MANCHESTER, NH- It's primary day, and the fate of the Democratic presi dential race now rests in the hands of the New Hampshire voters. Wherever they I say this because voters were hard to find on Sunday when Sen. Joe "Joe" Lieberman, accompanied by the media, went campaigning door to door with his wife, Hadassah. Lieberman is trailing in the polls, but surg ing, at least according to his campaign headquarters, which sent out a press release that begins, quote: "The energy on the ground in New Hampshire is incredible." With all due respect, somebody at Lieberman headquarters is smoking crack. There is no energy on the ground in New Hampshire. New Hampshire is currently the same tempera ture as Pluto. Nevertheless, Lieberman was upbeat as he prepared to canvass a residen tial neighborhood. "We're feeling ... JOE-mentum!" he said. Really. Then the Liebermans set off, surrounded by the standard campaign clot of aides, reporters, TV camera-and-sound guys, and young people holding signs and shouting, "LET'S GO JOE! LET'S GO JOE!" I don't know about you, but if I had people following me everywhere, shouting at me to go, I would go insane in minutes. I would whirl around and scream: "Stop telling me to go! YOU go!!" But it didn't seem to bother Sen. and Mrs. Lieberman, who smiled gamely as, urged on by their rooting section, they proceeded up the street to the first target house. As they approached the front door, the media swarmed frantically all over the yard and porch, eager to capture the dramatic moment of human interaction when the Liebermans rang the doorbell, and ... and there was nobody home. As the clot trooped back to the street, Sen. Lieberman scribbled a note on some campaign literature and left it at the house. At the next house, there were actual people; the Liebermans went inside for a few minutes while the clot stayed outside, trying to remember the warning signs of frostbite. There was nobody at the next house. There was also nobody at the next house. Sen. Lieberman left more notes. "As my hands get colder," he said, "my message will be limited to the sin gle word, 'help."' The next house contained live humans, and the Liebermans went inside briefly. Then somebody on the campaign staff apparently did the math and realized that, at this rate, by the time the candidate had located say, a dozen voters, the candidate himself would be a human Popsicle. And so the Lieberman door-to-door campaign juggernaut was, mercifully, halted. JOE mentum! As Lieberman headed for his getaway car, I asked him if he supported an idea that I have long advocated; namely, moving the New Hampshire pri mary to a warmer place, such as Jamaica. Lieberman laughed and called this "an outrageous idea." He accused me of trying to trick him into saying Dave Barry is a humor columnist who is published in 500 newspapers in the U.S. and abroad. He won the 1988 Pulitzer prize for Commentary and has published 24 humorous books. When he isn't making millions laugh with his humor, he plays in a literary rock band called Rock Bottom Remainders. Other band members include Stephen King, Amy Tan, Ridley Pearson, and Mitch Albom. He and his wife, Michelle, live in Miami with their two children Rob and Sophie. By DAVE BARRY Knight Ridder Newspapers (KRT) In New Hampshire, you can almost feel the JOE-mentum! something damaging on camera right before the New Hampshire primary. I swear I wasn't. The simple truth is that, from a strictly climatic standpoint, New Hampshire is the worst possible location for the New Hampshire primary. We should move the whole thing, voters and all, to the Caribbean. I suspect many New Hampshire residents are in the Caribbean right now, watching the pri mary coverage on TV and howling with laughter. ("Look, honey! Joe Lieberman is ringing OUR DOORBELL!") Speaking of warmer climes, I'm head ing back to Miami to have my long underwear surgically removed. So this will be my last campaign report for a while. Thanks for reading, and enjoy the rest of the primary campaign, which is now headed your way. So lock your doors. merioian 646 East College Avenue State College, PA. 16801 FURNISHED and UN-FURNISHED APARTMENTS *Great Rates *Located Downtown *Spacious Apartments *Across from campus *Free Cable TV *Fitness Center on site *Friendly Management *Study Lounge ALL OF THIS FOUND IN #1 LOCATION Open Saturdays by Appointment Only At these prices they are going fast, so stop by and Sign now and he entered lo 14'[r, a etitr• Free Rent: (c) 2004, Dave Barry. Distributed by Knight Ridder/Tribune Information Services DOWNIOWN APARTMENTS FOUND! STARTING AT $289/ PERSON! ~„,•1••,..„ on college avenue reserve yours today! 814-231-9000 www.meridianoncollegeavenue.com
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