I Waiiil3 &To mi "Outcomes-based parenting" by Crispin Sartwell As we raise our children, we must always keep in mind our goal: achieving excellence in the global economy of the twenty-first century. There is a reason that political, business, and educa tional leaders, like wind-up dolls, keep repeating this phrase: "glo bal economy of the twenty-first century; global economy of the twenty-first century; global economy of the twenty-first cen tury." The reason is that some mad scientist or spin doctor has re moved their tiny brains. Nevertheless, our children must achieve excellence in the global economy of the twenty-first cen tury. They must not achieve me diocrity, or even incredible bad ness, but rather excellence. Many people oppose excellence, but I am courageous enough to assert that excellence is better than stuff that is not as good as excellence. I don't care who dis agrees with me on this. I am a man of conviction, and I have never shrunk from controversy. These concepts, "excellence," "productivity," "global economy 4 r LEADING St LEARNING: STRIKING A BALANCE st . LEADERSHIP '9B MINI WORKSHOP Mr. Angel Aponte, student leader, Penn State Abington Ms. Gail Feldman, Manager, Carlisle Theater Ms. Barb Skelly, Director, Broad Street Market Ms. Gayle Leader, Assistant Director, Department of Environmental Protection Dr. William Zimmerman, Director of Student Affairs, Penn State Schuylkill of the twenty-first century," are the guidelines by which I raise my chil dren. We used to talk about "nur turing," "love," "discipline." But these are quaint, outdated concepts from the twentieth century. We need to get our kids up and running in the global economy of the twenty-first century. Whenever my son Sam, who's in kindergarten, wants to do something, whether it's watch Looney Tunes or ride his bike, I ask him: "How will this impact vis-a-vis the global economy?" Sam needs to realize that he is competing with kindergartners in Burundi, Qatar, and Kazakhstan to see who is the most excellent kin dergartner in the global economy of the twenty-first century. Kindergart ners want to play, and yet play like drugs and poverty and crime—re duces a kindergartner's competitive ness. What we need is more stan dardized tests for kindergartners. In fact, kindergartners should them selves be standardized so that they can take their place among the reli able electronic components in the competitive climate of the global economy of the twenty-first century. I call my approach "outcomes based parenting." I never think at OPEN TO ALL STUDENTS February 7, 9:30 a.m. GALLERY LOUNGE Near frea leaders address the workshop theme. Learn tips to help *bribe a balance in your life. Continental Breakfast/lunch provided Saturday, Panelists: RSVP: Student Activities, 212 Olmsted Building, 948-6273 by Monday, February 2 OPINION I tikil all about what's happening at any given moment; I care only about the final result: an adult ready to take his place in the global etc. The most important thing is accountability. That is why, "Many people oppose excellence, but I am courageous enough to assert that excellence is better than stuff that is not as good as excellence." whether he is taking a bath or taking a whack at his sister, my son is al ways also taking a test. I have de veloped the most reliable assessment instruments for childhood, testing everything from interne literacy to media saturation. This way I can hold my son accountable at all times, and I, as a parent, can be held ac countable at all times by the federal lovernment. - the future of child care? Let me describe some of the inno vative, forward-looking features of outcomes-based parenting. When ever my standardized assessment instruments show that Sam is not competitive, I have him spray-paint "I am a stakeholder in tomorrow" a hundred times on the concrete abut ments in our neighborhood. This teaches him a valuable piece of gobbledygook and also humiliates him publicly, one of the key strate gies of outcomes-based parenting. If my kid wants to relax or play silly games I get up in his face and scream: "get competitive in the glo bal marketplace of the twenty-first century, you less-than-productive brat!" This helps my child to achieve excellence, and every child must achieve excellence. We cannot af ford to leave a single child behind in the twentieth century as we enter the twenty-first century of tomorrow. It is often hard to motivate kinder gartners. Showing them that learn ing is fun, for example, is completely counterproductive. But berating them for their lack of competitive ness in the global economy of the twenty-first century works every time. When my son wants to take a nap, I simply badger him with the Mini Workshop Presenters: Ms. Stella Marie Keane, Assistant. Manager of Recruitment/Training and Development, Woolworth Corporation—" Work Teams in the Land of Oz, The Community & Penn State Harrisburg" Ms. Susan Shapiro, author, consultant and trainer on issues of Health & Wellness and Conflict and Communication—" Guide Through the Labyrinth of Conflict Management" Ms. Nancy Kartick, Director of the Penn State Harrisburg Downtown Centers, "Benefits of Doing Lunch" Thursday, January 22, 1998 - - 1:30 p.m. Luncheon Speaker following imperative: "Grow the economy." We need to think of our children as products we are churning out into the global economy of the twenty first century. They should be better than the competitor's products. They should be just-in-time. Their excellence should be excellent, their competitiveness competitive, their productivity productive. The most important aspect of out comes-based parenting in the global economy of the twenty-first century is technology. Parenting has been performed by human beings for far too long. Technology is more effi cient and, just as importantly, more expensive. After a long day of outcomes based parenting, when we've said our prayers and swallowed our Ritalin, Sam and I rock ourselves to sleep in our respective cubicles, chanting "infrastructure, informa tion, Albert Gore; infrastructure, in formation, Albert Gore." Crispin Sartwell is Visiting Asso ciate Professor of Humanities and Philosophy. A version of this piece first appeared in the Philadelphia In s uirer.
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