Oct. 28 1987
LANDSCAPE OF THE NIGHT
In the landscape of the night, it is possible to see television in its primal form. And
what is this most pristine state? Why, selling, of course. Selling without the distraction of
silly programs with silly stories to break up the sacred pitch.
At one end are HSC and CVN. No, these letters don't refer to a federal government
bureau or a third world revolutionary front. These are the Cable Value Network and the
Home Shopping Club. Into your own living room comes the shopping centers from hell.
HSC is probably the worst, although it is like deciding between standing in a rain of burning
ash or being buried headfirst in excrement. About every half a minute a horn toots, your
basic obnoxious off-key bike horn. &this isn't bad enough, the salespetson/announcer,
Tamara, grew up someplace like Keokuk lowa. She kinda talks through her nose. She
makes Barbara Walters sound like Helen Hayes. Tamara pushes stuff like genuine cubic
zirconia diamonds. That's like pushing genuine placebos. There's other junk too.
The Jaded Eye: Movie and Television Reviews
By C. W. Heiser
Porcelain dolls that play the theme from Love Story, plated flatware with hideous bamboo
patterns, and clothing that transcends taste—always out of style. At regular intervals, HSC
will cut to commercials. Even the boatman on the Styx must need a spell of rest.
If we think of CVN and HSC as hellish malls, then, of course, we should step into
the specialty shops. One specialty store we might visit in the land of the night would be
Blueßlocker. Blueßlockers are overpriced sunglasses. Fora half an hour we're treated to
testimonials by brain-dead refugees from MTV about the wonders of Blueßlockers. On
the beach, on the street, on the beach again, "These sunglasses changed my life!" Anyone
whose life allows for the possibility of change through eye-wear deserves a depleted ozone
layer.
And what goes best with sunglasses? Why, hair, of course. While we're out in
the night, we can learn about men's hair replacement and the Helsinki Formula. Now, at
first this looks like a documentary about a major scientific breakthrough, moderated by that
Dear Fellow Students,
As your representative on the Student Government Association, I
need your input. I have proposed, to that student body, that SGA initiate a
social function after each graduation commencement that would enable the
graduating students and their families and friends to gather around for one last
hurrah. Specifically, I am proposing a hot (lunch) buffet and live music, say
from twelve noon to 3:30 p.m.
I believe this would add a nice touch to our college graduations and
would provide traveling students and their families with a good meal and a
place to celebrate. It would also give fellow graduates a last chance to get
addresses from their classmates that may have been overlooked in the
excitement of preparation for graduation.
I realize that the affair would not be cheap, although it would not
have to be outrageous in cost. If it cannot be held at the CUB, then plans
could be made to take it to one of the neighboring hotels or inns.
Please, let me know how you feel about this proposal. Drop a note
in my mail slot just outside the SGA office.) second floor.
Even if you are not a graduating senior, I want to hear from you.
This idea will affect your own graduation celebration in the very near future.
Ideas like this are the reason I chose to run for office. I want to
represent you and to make sure that your funds in SGA are being spent to give
you what you value and feel you will benefit by.
This proposal will be acted upon in the very near future at our SGA
meeting. Don't put off responding. I need to know, and I need to know now!
Gene Albano, senator at large
P.S. I am not suggesting any additional expense to the students
TYPISTS
Hundreds weekly at home!
Write P.O. Box 17
Clark, NJ 07066
I NEED TO KNOW!
WNDR
63 AM
CM Ml=l
illustrious thespian, Robert Vaughn. Don't be fooled. This is another hour-long commer
cial. The cameras take us all over the country to talk to guys who claim that this Helsinki
concoction has reversed their hair loss. Could've fooled me. I swear all these cats still look
bald, but maybe it's the reception of my set.
Our night-time landscape would not be complete without a church. Here in the
Central Pennsylvania area our television viewing is blessed with an all night church, a good
TV church, complete with commercials. TV-49 out of Red Lion carried GTV through the
night. GTV is a gospel knockoff of MTV and must be seen to be believed. Four out of five
of the videos are filmed on the same cheap set with camera work and angles that range from
A t0...we11, A.
So where do we go at night to see drama and tension? To view good theater,
without commercial interruptions?...C-SPAN! Nothing, I mean nothing, on late night
television will cure insomnia faster than watching Senator Lloyd Bentson of Texas done
on about arms control... Goodnight, and sweet dreams.
THE PRINCESS BRIDE
Probably the best line in The Princess Bride comes when one of the villains is
verbally parrying with our hero to learn which of two goblets contains the poisoned wine.
The villain tells the young swashbuckler across from him that he's made a world-class
blunder, like that of "getting into a land war in Asia." This is funny, but what it's doing in
this movie, I have no idea. Until this point, this has been a sweet, but rather slow story.
Directed by Rob Reiner, from a screenplay by William Goldman, The Princess Bride is set
in a fairytale-like world and these rare references to outside reality are jarring.
It may please children, although the only comment I heard a kid make after the
movie was that the villain with the wine is also the Huxtables' neighbor on the Cosby Show.
I loathe to admit this, but I think I fell asleep. I do know that in his brief appearance, Billy
Crystal looks like Gabe Kaplan in wrinkles. If you have kids, wait for the video. If there
aren't any children in your life, don't bother.
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