Page 4 Asking Around Greg Kazmierczak Business "To give up weekday partying." fhe Telethon Against Death It has come to my ttention that this time of year as no major telethons or other haritable exercises. As always, have moved to fill this void in our life. After all, it has been a /hile since Jerry paraded his kids ut to make us feel guilty. dany of us now have an iverload of guilt built up 'ecause we are living too well. Ve want someone to give us a 'ehicle for us to trot out our onsciences for a day or two to elieve this massive guilt. We lon't really care that no one ictually is getting fed by a :xercise like Hands Across \merica except the ones who got )aid $l5 million in overhead 'expenses". The idea is we got a day in the sun showing how January I , 1987 l resolve "to Study Harder in “the. corrnnQ New Year! What is your New Year’s Resolution? Jackie Harvey Business "To get a job relevant to my studies." giving we are before we jumped into our BMW’s and headed back to the suburbs to get away from those hungry beggars. At least they could have had the decency Cynicism & Humor Alan Pincus Capital Times NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS HOW QUICKLY WE FORGET ! to write a better singalong song than the pathetic Hands theme. I propose a telethon to combat the thing that kills more people than all other diseases combined—death itself. Yes the telethon against death has the noblest purpose of all, to wipe out death completely (preferable within my lifetime). You will be assured that you'll be able to trot out your consciences for a good long while since there is no cure on the horizon. I have dubbed all those who are dying as Al's Kids and on the telethon I'll be able to parade quite an array of guilt producing people. I'll make all of you go through a heart tugging ordeal of seeing babies needing liver transplants and cheerful grandmas with May 1,1987 Party Hearty// Mike McClure Humanities "To quit smoking and lose 20 lbs. To make the dean's list and not to get married." Alzheimers. The only way you'll be able to ward off complete depression is by giving a generous donation. Who will administer the funds we receive? I think since I created the idea that I should be the one who handles the research money. Some have suggested that allowing me to take care of the money is like asking Nell Carter to guard your Pecan Sandies or like asking Roman Polanski to babysit your 14 year old daughter for the weekend. However, I ignore this criticism. I have personally volunteered to allow myself to be a test subject in the research to see if too much sex can shorten your lifespan. You won't find me just sitting in Jan. 14, 1987 Robin Fripps Accounting "To get a good paying job. Live it up a little and be wild." an office administrating. I'm not afraid to get my hands dirty. We will kick off the campaign with 50 Elvis impersonators singing our theme song, "I'm Dying and You Don't Look So Good Either". Then I will make my impassioned speech pointing out that if we had started a little earlier Elvis might be here himself instead of these 300 lb. impersonators. Volunteers are welcome and can reach me through this newspaper. I'm also looking for female volunteers for the sex research. As you can see, I've dedicated my life to this project. Join me and the rest of Al's kids in this noble and guilt reducing project.
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