Page 2
By Ay ana
The crash of a 727 jet
airliner into Three Mile Island
late last night may cause
"major realignments in geogra
phy" according to an electric
company spokesman.
A new lake will be named
Lake Middletown in honor of
the late borough's demise.
according to a highly placed
source in the Department of
Environmental Resources. The
lake will cover the estimated
100 square miles contaminated
The above picture, has recently been awarded by the New York Museum of Art Curator, Harry
J. Smut, the Classic of the Times Award. In his release, Mr. Smut mentions photography as the
'true art form of today' and was totally impressed with the 'ethereal quality' and 'vivid
portrayal of society's awareness of the beauty which surrounds them'. The picture is to be hung
in the main lobby where it will be admired by all who enter the building.
e were once
If There Were A Nuclear
Plant On Tenerife
by t h e - lkieily Improbable,
nearly impossible" crash.
The future "water recrea
tion area" will be made possible
by the creation of a dam 30
miles downstream of the
former power plant facility.
The dam will be financed
through an extra fuel readjust
ment charge on utility bills.
State and industry spokes
man are optimistic about the
future recreation potential of
the lake. Guidelines for the
286,000 year plan are already
C.C. Reader
the 727 crashed into the three-mile island.
being developed. Ivy bet lame,
according to Mortimer J.
Snerd, "advances in recreation
technology alone could make
this lake a tourist bonanza for
Central Pennsylvania,
Maryland, and parts of New
Jersey. Why, just think,
Cro-Magnon man stepped out of
the caves a mere 75,000 years
ago.
Imagine the advances that
we can make in the next
7.86,000 years. And all the new
species of fish and game that
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may develop due to the slightly
higher-then-normal radiation
background level could make
this the trophy capital of the
world. Yes, we are leaving a
scintillating heritage for future
generations to enjoy."
No local residents could be
found to comment on the plan.
According to Defense
Department estimates, Lake
Middletown will be safe for
human recreation by the fall of
297,972 A.D.
The six-pack from last
issue's contest is awarded to
Barry Rickert, 11th term Bus.
Adm. He captioned the picture:
"Doug Henning's younger
brother 'Houdonit' performing
his famous feat of lifting an
invisible bottle of Sangria with
his eyes closed." (By the way,
Barry's was the only entry.)
PROFS
OFFICE
March 32,1977
News Notes
From Around
The World
By Sven Ironcrosser
Mr. and Mrs. Joseph and
Mary of Nazareth became the
proud parents of a baby boy
here today. They have decided
to name their package from
heaven Jesus in honor of
Joseph's favorite baseball play
er Jesus Alou of the San
Francisco Giants.
President Idi Amin has
refused to deny reports that he
is negotiating with the Horizon
Corp. of America for the sale
and development of Uganda.
When this reporter questioned
Amin on the matter he replied ,
"Duh ah bogga bogga, fuck
"
you,
Dateline Washington. The
Supreme Court here today has
ruled out brain death as reason
for replacing a sitting president
under the 25 amendments. This
decision grew out of a case
brought by former Vice
President Rockefeller. The
ex-veeps' lawyers tried to have
then President Ford removed
from office as incapable of
performing his duty. As proof
of Ford's brain death they
offered the record of his three
years in office. Chief Justice
Warren "Big Mac" Burger
wrote the 5-4 decision.
Perrone's
mushrooms
By Julio Alvarez
Ed Perrone, Associate
Editor of the C. C. Reeder, was
discovered yesterday wander
ing naked down Route 280.
Middletown Police, who appre
hended Perrone, said that at
the time of his discovery, he
was kneeling by the roadside
attempting to eat the gravel.
When questioned at the
stationhouse by police, Perrone
could say nothing except, "Well
yeah, I, uh, we11....w0w, man,
wow."
It is suspected that Perrone
took a large dose of LSD
shortly before the incident
occured. He has been released
in the custody of his French
poodle.
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