April 3, 1975 The Photo Monster There have been a rash of unexplained disappearances on campus recently. Although Officer Paul and security have tried suppressing the facts, this reporter has managed to pierce the cloak of silence with my own investigation into this matter. On a cold, dark night late in March, I set out for the Placement Building where all the disappearances oc curred, armed with my Panasonic cassette recorder and trusty pocket Everflash, and determined to learn the truth. A quick exploration of the premises left the impression that everything was peaceful. But was it? Walking thru the dark stillness of the halls, I had the strange nagging feeling that something was watching me, peering with unnatural eyes at me from some unknown perch. Suddenly I heard something which caused me to halt my stride. When I stopped, it subsided momentarily, but began again almost immediately Within seconds there appeared on the wall ahead of me a strange shadow. As it lumbered nearer, I could see it was not lust another shadow. Indeed, there was nothing there to cast it, but instead seemed to be a negative image of some heretofore unknown beast. As if by reflex, I unveiled my camera for some pictures of the thing. Within seconds, the thing lunged viciously for my throat. I couldn't outrun it. In desperation I dove into the darkroom. The beast continued its relentless motion toward me. Panicking, I threw developer on it, irrationally hoping this would destroy the thing. It continued its advance, unabated. Just then, another irrational impulse seized me. I tore open the unexposed photographic paper and taped it all to a wall. Then I armed myself with the enlarger. As the thing closed in, I maneuvered myself so that it would be between me and the paper. At just the precise moment, I flashed the enlarger at the beast (35 secs f 11). The beast slowly dematerialized. I quickly ran the paper thru the developing process, and within 15 minutes, I had the beast forever trapped in the photographic paper. It was then I discovered the fate of all the missing people. The beast had consumed them and digested them into Bxlo prints. Let this be a warning to all who may read this: all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. Walk don't run to the nearest exit. Carla Kolchump \Y 7\ IPUWIr,,TIV Lady Marmalade Have You Never Been Mellow Manoy Styxx You Are So Beautiful Roll on Down the Highway Movin On Lonely People Best of My Love Don't Call Us Pick Up the Pieces Never Let Her Go Leona You're No Good Black Water Stormbringer Lucy in the Sky What Am I Gonna Do Philadelphia Freedom No No Song Mirage Lovin You Sandy Sally G-Jrs. Farm Young Americans ALBUMS PLAYLIST Have You Never Been Yellow Olivia Newton John Heart Like a Wheel For Earth Below War Child Average White Band Cold On The Shoulder Perfect Angel Waitress In A Pevainia Shop Physical Grafitti Blood on the Tracks Greatest Hits All the Girls In The World Bonarog Yesterdays Dark Horse Eagles On The Border That's The War of The World Welcome To My Nightmare Singles Pla y list Labelle Olivia Newton John Barry Manilow Average White Band Gordon Lightfoot Minnie Ripperton Earth Wind & Fire A. Cooper J. Cocker 8.T.0 Bad Co. America Eagles Sugarloaf AWB David Gates Wet Willie L. Ronstadt Doobie Brothers Deep Purple Elton John Barry White Elton John Band Dtploma's Value Studied Ringo Santana Minnie Ripperton Hollies Wings David Bowie In a report issued Monday by a Penn State professor, Capitol Campus diplomas, by 1995, will have increased in value by 20 percent. Dr. Remus Trajanus, Professor Of Statistics and Useless Studies at Penn State- Capitol Campus, has released a- report which cites a number of properties inherent in the agerage 1975 Capitol Campus - diploma. By 1995, the report says, the 1975 Capitol Campus, diploma's actual monetary value will increase by 20 percent to 6 4, compared to a projected national inflation rate of 225 percent. Dr. Trajanus also projects that by 1995, few if any Capitol students will be employed in their collegiate areas of concentration. The report says that the average Education major will, in 1995, be employed in either sanitation or fast food waitering. Others include: professional welfare recipients or garage workers for Humanities Linda Ronstadt Robin Trower Jethro Tull Marla Mularur Led Zeppelin Bob Dylan Ohio Players Barry Man I low Elton John Grand Funk Bonarog Yes George Harrison Eagles C.C. Reader Dear Gabby, Dear Gabby, I need help desperately. Since January, my life's been a nightmare. I was in an auto accident and was hospitalized for two months, and my face had to be rebuilt. The hospital bills came to $75,000. I'm confined to a wheel chair, and I lost my $30,000 a-year job. My husband ran away with his best friend. My son is a heroin addict and my daughter is a hooker (he's 14, she's 12). My dog has rabies, and our home is over run with rats. The bank is going to foreclose on our mortgage, and finance companies have repossessed everything else I own. Even my dentist has repossessed my teeth. I'm not eligible for welfare or Social Security, my boss refuses to give me a pension, and my savings are exhausted, yet I owe $125,000 in bills and loans. What do you think I should do? Helpless in Houston Dear Helpless, Kill yourself. Dear Gabby, The other night, I and my best girl went to a dinner-party held by her brother and his wife for the four of us. Halfway thru the meal, her brother and his newlywed .wife began making passionate love on the supper table, right in the middle of the mashed potatoes. My girl and I pretended not to notice what was happening and with drew to the living-room for a drink and left them continue uninterrupted. Other people I have talked to think we were rude, that we should have joined in. What do you say? by Jay Bollig DEAR GABBY••• Nightmare Life Ignorant in Illinois majors; professional game show contestants for social science majors; sanitorium inmates or Federal subsidy recipients for Business majors; and math textbook writers or game-show hosts for Engineering graduates. The report,financed at a cost of $4OOO. by a special Federal grant, covers projections for the C.C. , classes of '75 - '77. The report also charts statistical comparisons with University Park-granted degrees. According to Dr. Trajanus, "the Capitol Campus degree will show a greater amount of value growth than its University Park counterpart. But twice nothing is still nothing." Cs- qt o•' gi tly e ll ' - ...r . . I 44 3,.. 0 r ....... .....--.. . 4 1,), 1 i 6._ __ ism -.Room GABBAPAIL VAN BORING Dear Ignorant, You certainly were rude! Ignoring your hosts is not good etiquette in anyone's book. Although you didn't have to necessarily join in, you should have stayed to finish your meal, even if you couldn't eat any mashed potatoes. Dear Gabby My girlfriend and I are having an argument. We received a case of con doms last month. It was a gift from her parents in Colorado who've been trying to marry her off for 16 years (she's 34). As it turned out, every condom we used was defective, we found that they, were all pierced with some kind of pin. We think it was a deliberate attempt by her parents to force us into marriage. So, we think her parents should pay for the abortion. Our bone of contention, however, is this: I think we should have the bill sent directly to her parents without forewarning them. She thinks we should notify them, then pay the bill ourselves, and ask her parents to repay us. Whose side are you on? Double-crossed in Dußois Dear Double-crossed, .. Neither. Why don't you just go ahead an have the kid and leave it on her parents' doorstep in a basket? That should teach the dirty 5.0.8.'5. Everyone can find a problem. What's yours? For a public reply, write to GABBY, C.C. Reader, WHO (Reader mailbox). Include a smashed, undressed elephant. For GABBY's new booklet, "What College Students Should Know About Sexual Relations With a Fresh Broc coli," send five onces of grass to Gab bapail Van Boring, C.C. Reader, Mid dletown, Pa. 17057. Enclose a long, undressed sissiphant. Senior portraits will be taken for the final time on April 8, 1975 from 9 AM to Noon, longer if necessary. Sign up for portraits in ;Vendorville, April 7th 2nd, hird and 4th periods. riiiNSELOR I Position Available Overnight IResident At CAMP SERTOMA For Retarded People i SEASON I June.l3 - Aug. 22 If Interested Write: 1132 Locust St. Hbg., Pa. 17101 or Call Between I 9:00-4:30 LWeekdays 717-234-7013 page
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers