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Dubious Achievement
The "Pre-Catch 22" Award
goes to Walt Slygh for his
pr e-pre-registration,
pre-advisement pre-bullshit.
The "It Takes a Crook"
Award goes to Roslyn Benner
and friends for their excellence
in thievery.
Dr. Elmer Lear gets the
"Elmer Gantry Powerful
Oratory" Award for his gripping
lectures.
To our dear Mr. Paul we
bestow the "Sgt. Joe Friday
Warmth" Award for his
understanding and kindess in
doing his job.
WZAP gets the "Home
Economy" Award for staying
within their SGA budget so well,
and for conserving their airwaves
(could you hear them in your
house?).
Dan Ekberg receives the
"Billie Sol Estes Slush Fund &
Double Entry" Award for his
able manipulation of the SGA
funds this year.
Terry Wimmer gets the
"Millard Fillmore Leadership"
Award.
To Mike Dini, the "Golden
Gavel" and the "Boy, Will You
Be Sorry" Awards.
This year's "Thomas Paine
Common Sense" Award goes to
Bill Hadfield.
Housing and Food Service
boss Gautreau gets the "Best
Hairstyle" Award.
Dr. Brewster gets the "Right
or Wrong" Award so that
whichever he is, he'll have an
award for it.
Sam, Gregg and Mike Chew
share the "Crystal Clear
Content" Award for their
easy-to-understand contributions
to THE CAPITOLIST this year.
The Cafeteria gets one 4-feet
by 6-feet McDonald's free
Cheeseburger coupon for
obvious reasons.
Servomation can have the
"Paragoric Bottle" Award but
only if they pay $3.95 for it.
Dr. Bresler is awarded the
Honorary Presidency of the
President Nixon Fan Club.
Carolyn Dexter gets the "One
plus One Equals Three" Award.
The "Hasseled Administrator"
Award, for the 25th year
straight, goes again to Dr.
Grimm.
Our own Business Office did
well this year. They got two
awards the "Spiro Agnew
Unification" Award, for helping
to promote Student/Administra
tion relations, and the "Golden
Rule" Award.
Black Student Union Choir Concert
Friday, lune 9th 8:00 p.m. Auditorium
Jay Anderson lucked out with
the "If It Were Around the
Corner, I Could Walk to Work"
Award.
Re: Prof. Castle, several
business students get the
"Francis Gary Powers Loyalty"
Award.
Fred Manas gets the
"Cardboard Gavel" Award and
the "You're Luckier Then You
Realize" Award.
Steve Rosenzweig will get his
too. His Diploma will read,
"Bachelor of Pin Ball". Several
others you know who you are
will receive honorary B. of
P.B.'s.
The "Who Is He and What Has
He Done For Us Lately" Award
goes again this year to Placement
Officer Schulz. The Award
would have been presented
already, but it got lost on the
way to his office. That's to be
expected, though, so does
Schulz.
Ed Racey gets the "May The
Sun Set In The East Just Once"
Award.
Stan Saltzburg gets the "Say
It Again, Stan" Award.
For the 3,000,000 + leaflets
she personally distributed this
year, Becky Emery has won the
"Recycle, Please" Award.
Nancy Colnes and Iris Prager
share the "Perfect Attendance"
Award this year. In addition,
both will receive free replicas of
a bedpan.
The "Bertha Humdingle
Swinger of the Year" Award
goes to Kathy King.
Bob Bonaker gets the
"Rookie Flipper" Award.
Clem Gilpin gets the "Person
We'd Most Like to be Facilitated
By" Award.
To the Free Parking Players,
the "Ed Sullivan Award" is given
for the longest running show on
WZAP.
A special "Horatio Alger
Memorial Award" is presented
to the Placement Officer for
efforts in instilling confidence in
applicants.
For his radio show, Chris
Shannon will receive the "Dick
Clark I ' 11-Give-It-An-Eighty-
Five-Because-It-Has-A-Good-
Beat- An d-You-Can-Dance-To-It
Award for Progressive Music."
Two "Golden-Fisted-Phallus"
Awards will be presented by
Becky Emery to Steve Wesley
and Steve Rosenzweig for their
"Smilin' Faces" column.
Rea & Derick's merits the
THE CAPITOLIST
Awards?
"Easy Rider" Award for
promoting the sale of Zig-Zags
to students.
Two more honors go to Mr.
Paul: The "Where Were You
When I Needed You Award" for
closing the Ad Building at
midnight; and the "Right Up My
Ass In the Rear View Mirror
Award" for promoting
confidence while driving on
campus.
The "National Association of
Embalmers Award for
Technological Advancements"
goes to the Snack Bar.
As an added bonus, the Snack
Bar also gets the "Superman,
Faster Than a Speeding Car On
Weaver Ave. Award" for its
service.
The "Rich Sites Humanitarian
Award" to Mr. Graham for
opague vision and wonderful
advice.
The "J" in hand is worth a
damn fine toke Award to Frank
Dullisse, Phil Rocco and Pope
Van.
As a further recognition of
Dubious Achievement, the man
from P.A.U.L. wins the
"Thoreau Civil Disobedience
Fashion Flair Award" for his
lovely tie-clasp shaped like
handcuffs.
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Smilin'
by Steve Rosenzweig
I know everyone will be
thrilled because this is the last
Smilin' Faces of our collegiate
career. We would like to
dedicate our finale to all the nice
people who put up with our shit.
And to those who were never
attacked by us, better luck next
time. It's been real and we hope
you enjoyed our column
throughout the year.
Now back to the news:
Bob Dunn has recently
returned from a trip to "Transpo
72". He was highly disappointed
when he discovered that the
Goodyear Blimp was missing
from the exhibit. He's writing a
letter to his congressman and
Pete Rozelle to fmd out why.
The editorial staff of The
Capitolist has given out some
awards. We would like to further
bestow honors to those so
deserving.
For Best Performing Actor
Terry Wimmer for his role as
President in the movie, "Bambi
Goes To Capitol Campus".
For Best Performing Actress
a three-way tie between the
sweet ladies that work in
Vendorville for their
performances in the movie,
"Take the Money and Run".
For Best Director the award
goes to Mike Bauer for a fine job
on the Rock Festival.
For Best Producer the
award goes to Walter Slygh for
his movie, "Gidget Goes to
College and Waits Three Hours
to Register".
For Best Art Direction the
award goes to the recluse that
pasted up pieces of the
newpaper all over the Capitolist
office.
For Best Supporting Actor
the award goes to Steve Wesley
who tried to write this article.
For Best Supporting Actress
the award goes to all the
secretaries who run this school
in the movie, "The Impossible
Years".
For Best Editing the award
goes to everyone who ever
edited our column.
For Best Musical Score the
award goes to the Meade Heights
Marching Stringband for their
movie, "The Sound of Noise".
For Best Lighting the award
goes to Mr. Paul for the movie,
"Do You Like the Lights On the
Top of My Car?"
For Best Technical
Achievements the award goes to
the man who fixes the pin-ball THE END.
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Thursday, June 8, 1972
Faces
& Steve Wesley
machines in the movie,
"Rip-off".
For Best Screen Play the
award goes to Dr. McDermott
for his upcoming movie,
"Automomy and Main
Campus".
And finally, for Best Picture
the award goes to Charlie Carlin,
Fred Manas, and Gene Bryan for
their movie, "Diary of a Mad
Candidate".
Also, our special "Hortense
Dorflinger Award of the
Performing Arts" goes to Dr.
Robert Bresler for his political
impartiality in the upcoming
movie, "McGovern".
Hate to write this last column.
We would like to thank everyone
for their comments and
critic izm.
To the graduating seniors
goodbye and good luck
To the soon to be seniors
have a good year.
To everyone who helped
thanks.
I can't believe I'm finally
going to make some money.
Belly dancer in Iran sits on
Henry Kissinger's lap. These
days you really have to have the
stomach for diplomacy.
Right-On Harrisburg Rock
Festival.
Do you know the difference
between an elephant's penis and
a banana? Better take someone
shopping with you.
Do you know the difference
between a cat and a pussy?
Better watch what your balling.
What's the difference between
a chicken and a nymphomaniac?
A chicken goes cock-a-doodle
doo, and a nymphomaniac says
any cock'll do.
Good luck to the baseball
team next year.
Last article I asked if anyone
was interested in canoeing or
balling. Had ten chicks call to
ball.
What did the left nut say to
the right nut? What are we
hanging here for, Dick did the
shooting.
Why don't Italian mothers
breast feed? They don't like to
boil the nipples. (Right on
Andy)
Anyone who doesn't like our
column is an idiot. So is anyone
who does.
Remember June 11 & 12
Pin-Ball Machine Championship.
KEEP SMILIN'