JANUARY 18, 1982
Presley Waylon:
"You Can Be A
Millionaire Too
"Doctor" Presley Waylon,
famous country-western music
singer and lover of money
making barnyard expressions, -
will be coming to Behrend on
February 15. He will be backed
up by his band of "Howlin'
Waylons," and will give a talk on
"How to become a country
western singer, even if you're the
opposite of what that implies."
The "Doctor" granted the Col
legian an advance interview, so
that the students could better
understand the media of popular
music, and alio to boost ticket
sales.
Our rust question was "How
did you get the name 'Doctor'?"
"I made it up," Presley
answered. "•I thought you'd be
more interested in how I got the
name 'Presley'."
"You mean you were never a
atOl t SOOW
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doctor?" we asked
"I've never been a singer
either. I just wear tight jeans and
shirts with pearly snaps plus I
got a manager who knows what
he's doing. That's what my talk
will be about on the 15th: It's
about how anyone can be a
millionaire country singer, simp
ly by following certain rules."
"What are those?" we asked.
"First'," Presley, said, "you
gotta talk with a drawl. It's easy.
Just watch the 'Dukes' once or
twice, or talk on a CB. I don't
care if you're - from Glouchester
Square, everyone's a bumpkin on
CB radio. They, think it's cool.
Plus it's a good skill to know,
especially If- your album cover
has you at a truckstop or a rodeo:
Shucks, you might, actually be at
one someday, and meet a real
trucker who's crazy about your
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BEHREND COLLEGIAN
music. Then you better play the
part or end up face-down in a pool
of diesel fuel."
"That's interesting," we said.
"Another thihg you gotta do is
get used to tight boots with
pointed toes. They should have in
credibly high arches and heels
that sould like the Rockettes with
the runs. There's not a country
singer in the whole world today
who doesn't have deformed feet
even Tammy Wynett. All the
older stars, and I'm talking about
real singers, like Gene Autry and
Johnny Cash, all of them can
barely stand for more than an
hour or two. That's why live per
formances are getting shorter.
Who wants to see Hank Williams
perforM in bed, except maybe his
wife. They're _all crippled from
those ridiculous boots. What do
you think Johnny Cash was talk
. ing about anyway when he wrote
`I Walk the Line?'
"Another thing you gotta do,"
Presley continued, "is sing the
blues. Country life is sad. Crops
are washed out, the TV won't
work, the Grit didn't come, and
the old lady runs away with the
seed man while her husband's
puking at the Grange. You have
to identify with the morons who
live the country life, and then
Write songs they can cry over.
But beautiful songs, so that they
buy them because they want - to
cry all rthe time It's a: • sad
•-business,- 'but I'm getting by.
Shucks; do you want to go for a
ride in my Porsche?".
"Do you really say 'shucks'?"
We asked.
"Am I really a doctor? Come
on, I can't wait to get these boots
off."
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Father Flanagan:
"There's No Such Thing
As A Nymphomaniac"
\ The founder of America's Boys'
Town, Father Flanagan, recently
disclosed plans to build a similar
city for troubled females. Predic
tably named Girls' Town, the
housing complex will be located
only six miles south of male lodg
ings in North Dakota.
"The winters have been pretty
bad," said the aging 'priest in a
press conference. "No boy should
be punished by loneliness. That's
why the female facility will be so
close. Of course the kind of -girls
we're talking about here are stub
born, defiant, and corrupt as any
boy we've had to handle. Shyness
should be no problem."
Flanagan faced charges that
exposing the boys to women of
"the "unwed mother" type would
make for relations that could
damage' a youth's formative
Edinboro State Mortality Rate Fifth
Highest In Nation
A recent survey of on-the-job
accidents, listing the top ten most
dangerous jobs, has the average
student at Edinboro State in a
more dangerous position than a
spot welder on a San Francisco
highrise.
The most dangerous career of .
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ing a soldier in Iran. The second
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years. He was accused of pro
viding a haven for loose women.
"I've said it before and I'll say
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Flanagan admitted the plan
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PAGE 3