DISCLAIMER: THIS IS A PARODY - NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY Sports, Facebook, fire, Lost, etc. Americans field fi Hu Knos / The Behrend Beacon According to sources, a majority of Soccer is spent violently attacking other players in the crotchal region. Female Behrend student mobbed after Facebook relationship status change NEIL PETERS opinion editor Penn State sophomore Cliche Babe was taken to Hamot Med ical Center on March 31, 2010 after she was “dog piled” by 43 male students after her Face book status changed from “In a relationship” to “Single.” At 3:14 p.m., Babe was walk ing out of Bruno’s Cafe, being consoled and escorted by a guy she referred to as “just a good friend,” (though his arm place- Student's head explodes after introduced to "Lost" SCOTT MUSKA the best man among us all Former Penn State Behrend student Lenny Smith’s head spontaneously combusted last Tuesday evening after viewing his first episode of the hit TV series LOST with a group of friends in his State College apartment. Smith’s friends said he was typically too busy with the many school activi ties he was involved with to sit down and watch LOST—an hour-long drama in its sixth and final season on ABC— with them, a ritual they’d participated in together since meeting during their freshman year in Erie. Smith’s close friend and LOST en thusiast Aaron Marks said Smith had a night off after finishing all of his work and insisted he watch the show Fire engineered by "Diamond Trinity" smuggling ring CONTINUED FROM FRONT PAGE. The reasoning for the hoax is sim ple. A fire was the perfect distraction to allow Chancellor Jack Burke, Asso ciate Dean Dave Christensen and Di rector of Student Affairs Ken Miller run their diamond smuggling ring. Sources say that the university has no knowledge of charging students for parking. It costs $350 for commuters to park for a whole year at Penn State ment was called into question) NFL referee Ed Hochuli was quoted as ruling, “His hand was distinctly below the waist line, making it an illegal ‘friendly gesture.’” The “friend” was then fined three months of Cold Shoulders. However, as Cliche began to ascend the Perry steps, 43 des perately sex-deprived male stu dents simultaneously leapt at the freshly single 20-year-old. Within moments the unsuspect ing woman was buried under a Daniel Smith / The Behrend Beacon Cliche Babe is chased by a mob of students that are definitely, definitely not employed with the Beacon with his friends “It was right toward the end of the show, when (particular scene removed by your correspondents so as to avoid a spoiler alert),’’ Marks said. “One second he was eating Scoops and salsa and just staring in disbelief at the TV, and the next there was a loud pop ping noise and gore everywhere. I never thought I’d see something as crazy as some of the stuff I’ve seen on LOST, but I think my friend blowing up while sitting on the same couch as me pretty much beats that show any day.” Frank Nagy, another of Smith’s friends who still attends Behrend said there can be a lesson taken from Smith’s unfortunate mishap. “Lenny has always been so busy with his various activities and stuff, and I guess we learned that is better Behrend “I have absolutely no idea where that money goes,” said Chuck Master son, a Police and Safety officer at Behrend. “As far as I know, students get to park for free.” Another source says that the “Dia mond Trinity”, as they are known on the black market, has set up a fake Po lice and Safety account and wire the money to themselves to fund their se cret diamond mine. It is believed that three bandits rst "World Cup" "Soccer" team “I’ve been playing soccer my whole life, and I play profession ally for the Los Angeles Galaxy,” said team member Landon Dono van. “Are you telling me you think this is the first American soccer team, ever?” NICK BLAKE In a few short months, the United States of America will field a team for a strange, unknown sport: Soccer. Soccer (pronounced [SOK - err]), a sport that consists of play ers using their feet to kick a spher ical ball into a goal, is widely unknown in this country. “Wait, so you’re telling me that you kick the ball with your feet,” said Bill Ding, a 35-year-old con struction worker. “You don’t throw it or carry it with your hands?” The goalie, though, is allowed to use his hands to prevent the ball from going into the goal on a shot from the opposing team. The goalie is the only player allowed to touch the ball with his hands. “This is too [expletive deleted] confusing,” Ding said. “Why is just one guy allowed to touch the ball?” Soccer is a totally new sport to the majority of the U.S. popula tion. It is believed that soccer was mountain of desperate men. It took emergency crews 36 minutes to excavate Babe. Even as she was placed on a stretcher and lifted to the am bulance, the 43 men still shouted for her to call them later. She sustained to serious injuries, but is still crying over her ended relationship. One of the male students was quoted as saying, “I don’t really know her that well. I only actu ally spoke to her once, but she was pretty hot so was just plan- invented by a group of Canadian syrup farmers in the late 1700’s. This may contribute to American disinterest. sports editor “Oh that makes sense,” said Roy Kovacs, a senior at Syracuse Uni versity. “They call their police Mounties.” A small group of pioneers, though, are making their presence felt as they take on the task of pop ularizing the activity. 1. Do not touch the ball with your hands. 2. If you are the goalie, do not touch the ball with your feet. 3. If somebody touches you, fall down and grab your ankle. 4. If a goal is scored, the scoring team may choose to kick an extra point or make the other team drink tea and eat crumpets. 5. If a shot hits the foul pole, it is still in play and the defending team is penalized 15 yards from the place of the shot. 6. At the end of a game, the losing team is required to cry and hand wash the winning team's uniforms. sometimes than indulging in leisure activities,” he said. “I mean, if he had been studying or writing a paper or something instead of watching the lat est episode, his damn head wouldn’t have exploded.” Smith’s friends told your correspon dents they had to keep telling him to shut up throughout most of the episode, because he was asking inces sant questions about the show, like “How can that guy be John Locke but not really be John Locke,” and “Why did he just turn into smoke and kill all of those people at that temple,” and “These people crashed in a plane, right, so how are they all still alive?” An investigation has been opened into Smith’s demise by a fringe organ ization called The Dharma Initiative, and it has been reported that a number of the Initiative’s members arrived at faked the Dobbins fire so that they could use the building to store their di amond supply. “Who told you that?” asked Miller. “I swear, if you say anything about this I’ll make you disappear.” It is believed that the Trinity has been running an illegal diamond smuggling ring for more than five years, using money from parking per mits. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” said Burke, aka Chancy B. “I DISCLAIMER: THIS IS A PARODY - NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY Soccer: The Basics ning on basing her entire worth as a person on that. It seemed like a pretty solid bet. Besides, it’s not like I have much of a choice at this campus. I’ve only seen, like, three girls the entire time I’ve been here.” Some homeless guy who lives behind Bruno’s was quoted saying, “It happens every few years a Behrend. They get a large influx of men, and not enough women. Even tually the over-populated men get so desperate for feminine attention and contact they react irrationally. There’s not much they can do. They tried to open up a brothel next to U-Gate Apartments a few years ago, but it died in committee. Please excuse me. I need to go chase a leprechaun now. In addition, The Behrend Bi ology department finds this useful. An anonymous biology professor said. “It gives us a great opportunity to witness Darwinian theory in action. With such a lack of females in this environment, the males are forced to fight over mating priv ileges. This is “Survival of the Fittest” at it’s finest. The physics department also likes this because it saves them lots of time. Instead of trying to weed out students via an overly difficult class, they can just let them fight amongst themselves. It’s so much more efficient.” Smith’s State College apartment be fore paramedics and authorities could arrive. “Some dude that said his name was Jacob came in and told us our friend wasn’t dead, and that he would be al- think there’s some guys at the bottom of South Pier that cold help you out.” Police and Safety say that they have been shadowing the Trinity for quite some time. “A lot of the new guys on the force don’t know about it,” said veteran of ficer Dallas Schuster. “They’re really good about covering their tracks, we really don’t have anything on them.” Christensen also denies all allega tions that the three are doing anything at all. Donovan made several claims that there is a professional soccer circuit in the U.S. called “Major League Soccer” (MLS). There is, however, no evidence that such a Pirates sign new stars 6-year-old and elderly ex-con expected to boost morale, HRs, diversity Pittsburgh Pirates owner Bubba Nut finally responded to "Irate" fans by signing two chaps from Great Britain. The pair is ambidextrous, flame-throwing professional cricket players who are said to be able to de liver balls at over 76 mph. "Unhittable, just pure per fection," said Egg Boy, the Pirates' quadri plegic starting catcher. Rosetta. Below, Elizabeth Crumwell. photo credit: Spojeni, Flickr The Third Dutchess of Kent for the Behrend Beacon Many deaths occur every year from those too weak to see lost." Behrend Beacon April 1, 2010 www.thebehrendbeacon.com SHAWN ANNARELLI "These sign ings are just what we needed," Nut said. "We've spent more time losing than Tiger Woods has cheating on his wife. It's time to win." One right,” Marks said. “He kind of yelled at us for letting him start during the latest episode of season six when he hadn’t seen any previous episodes, which I guess makes a certain amount of sense. “You know, it takes a lot of guts for you to even think of asking me about something like that,” said Christensen. “Take my advice: don’t stick your nose where it doesn’t belong.” Police and Safety will continue mon itoring the Trinity, in hopes that they can bring them down. “We’ll get them,” said Schuster. “They’ll slip up, and when they do, Dally Schuster will bring them down.” NICK BLAKE contributed reporting. league exists Soccer seems to have an enor mous following outside of the U.S., but every other nation chooses to call the sport “football”, thus adding to the confusion. “Some guy told me he was play ing football after class with a bunch of his friends, and he in vited me along,” said Maurice Wince, a jock at Ohio State Uni versity. “But when I showed up, there was just a bunch of skinny guys kicking a ball around.” President Obama is optimistic in the national team’s quest to make the sport known. “I guess you simply kick a ball into a big goal,” said President Obama. “Well yeah they should be successful, anyone can do that.” The 2010 World Cup will take place in South Africa; until then Donovan and his teammates will be doing everything they can to raise awareness for the sport. “People seriously have no idea about MLS? You’ve got to be kid ding me, we have like 16 teams in major U.S. cities,” said Donovan. “This is [expletive deleted].” player, Peter Rosetta, is a 68- year-old runaway convict that claims he will bring a new at mosphere to the clubhouse. "1 bet me arse on it," Roseta said. The second addition to the team, Elizabeth Crumwell, a 6- year-old going on 7, wants to engineer the team to champi onships with by blowing her fastball by batters. "I haven't seen a player hurl that hard since Tommy John," said Kenneth Miller, Crumwell's agent. "Bang on!" Nut said, who is learning how to speak British. "Picksburgh is a contender, again," said Joe Steel, while eating a Primanti Brothers' sandwich. "But where yinz playin' home; games?" Reports are consistent that the city of Pittsburgh is build ing a building named Consol Energy Center for the Pitts burgh Penguins, Pittsburgh's professional hockey team. Nut believes the team can at least practice there. "That place will be the most beautiful rink in the world," Nut said. "We can draw at least 100 fans from the other team eveiy game. I already sold one to Mom." The Pirate Parrot, the team's mascot, is getting excited, too. The Parrot recently entered al cohol rehab with Steelers kicker Geoff Weezy. Say hello to your 2010 Bucs.
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