DISCLAIMER: THIS IS A PARODY - NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY. TEACHER SAYS "SNIT" IN SYLLABUS STUDENTS CONSIDER HIM "COOL AND EDGY" Dr. Snicklefritz, a new teacher in an unidentified area of study at Penn State Behrend, has earned the respect of freshman students by saying "shit" at least four to seven times in his syllabus. Sources have confirmed that freshman students stopped breathing for approximately four minutes upon seeing the vulgarity. "It's incredible," said fresh man Ohidiah Farglehousen. mean, teachers couldn't get away with that stuff in high school. College is cool!" Sophomore Brian Adams expressed confusion. "I'm con fused," he said. "What's the big deal? It's some awkward old guy trying to look cool. Who cares?" Regardless of upperclass man disgust. freshmen were seen giggling incoherently as they streamed out of the lec ture hall. Several of their heads World and National News In Brief President Obama releases statement kVASHINGION After the bowling-comment and the ensuing embarassment, President Mama has released an official statement "Listen, I know that I've said a lot of things during the past year. I know that a lot of what I said has been spoken vibrantly and vividly. "I feel that you need to really know what was actual ly being said to truly know what I meant, truly, by those words. In a world where words are the pinnacle of communication, one must make sure they understand the amount of work that is required to process said information. "Together, America, we can change that. Together we can overcome what has been said, is being said, and will be uttered by future genera tions. I've said a lot of things about stuff, and I know, America, we can change what has been said about particular things. "That being said, I've got a lot to say about things I haven't vet talked about. "Words, when spoken properly, convey a mean ing...and a message. Together, they string individual ideas to become complete thoughts and sentences, but that's not Penn State Behrend Engineers to make the first fully functional Transformer According to semi-illegal wire tapping by freelance Beacon reporters, the Penn State Erie School of Engineering has been com- missioned by the NSA, CIA, and LEB to design and build an actual transforming robot for the United States Armed Forces. Some have speculat ed as to the practicality of such a machine and what applications it may have. Dr. Coulston was quoted as saying "You're God d--- right that I'm going to build this robot and niether you or Megatron can stop me." Origin of broken door at OBS discovered by teenagers Many have speculated as to why the second door from the left at OBS is broken and has CAMPUS NEWS & GOODIES Connor Sattely managing failtue ci,506) pu.e d tt exploded upon rereading the syllabus moments later. "He's like, probably my favorite professor," said fresh man Amy Larssenfargle. "He's not afraid to be edgy, he's pret ty cool, and stuff. He's really funny. And, uh, he swears a lot." The teacher in question is in his second semester at Behrend. Last semester, he was rumored to have sworn at a student in class, to the delight of students who have never heard a curse word in their lives. Sources have not yet con firmed what the hell was up with that. Students are looking for ward to a semester with the teacher. "We might even hear the F word," said one fresh man, as the rest giggled uncon trollably. Nearby, a sophomore was seen bashing his head against the wall. always true "Sometimes...sometimes, America, you'll have some one speak words that make no sense at all. Sometimes they'll sound like a babbling baby or a drunken alcoholic, home at 6 a.m. from the bar." When asked to actually confront the issue at hand [the off-handed remark about the Special Olympics], President °barna replied, "You know, that's a good point. A lot of people seem to think words will solve all of the world's problems and I tell you they won't. "Like, what's the point in being able to speak it you can't even use your ability to talk about things that your society might find pertinent? "Words...are a powerful tool, America. Without them, we'd be unable to talk; unable to communicate, even. We'd even be unable to talk Ivith words. It's silly to think that the word 'word' is a word that is a general descip tion for all utterances of the mouth. I mean really, what's the word on that? "The bird, ladies and gen tlement. The bird is the ‘‘ ord ' Source: Wikipedia Financial experts predict end to recession (and world) by 2012 never been fixed. According to four teenagers and a large brown dog, the "OBS Door of Despair" first came to be when a enraged Scale Up physics student publicly mar tyred himself in an attempt to allow his fellow students to pass. The student apparently crushed his skull in the door frame late one evening. "It was terrible and I was so sad when he did it; but I really needed that A," stated an anonymous witness. Since the tragic event the door has remained sealed. Some say that the permanent locking of the door is an attempt from the deceased's spirit to pre- vent any other student's from taking physics and sharing his fate (Except that physics is now held in Hammermill). The physics department has failed to comment on this developing story Jill Caldwell's triplets actually three-headed monster Associate Director of Student Affairs Jill Caldwell, who has been rumored to be pregnant with triplets, has recently discovered that rather than three babies, she will deliver Cerberus. According to Wikipedia, Cerberus is a three-headed dog which guards the gates of Hades. Cerberus was last seen being defeated by Hercules. Since then, he has been mysteriously absent from American mythol ogy. "I think it's cute," said fellow Student Affairs employee Keith Cerroni. "I mean, it'll be a little strange on bring your child to work day, but it'll still be cool." After a pause, Cerroni added, "I'll have to go out and buy some doggie treats." Doggie treats, however, are the least of the worries for the Student Affairs office. The three-headed mythologi cal figure is rumored to have a taste for live flesh, thus pre venting souls from leaving Hades. By Evan Koser, emksllo@psu.edu Chicago-based Dow Jones Indexes brought together a group of financial experts to assess the impact of the Obama administration's actions thus far. The group has decided that once the year 2012 rolls around, none of what they're doing is going to matter any way. Fin'zincier"Gus Faucher said that "It is reailc , unnecessary to be going through all of this trouble just to watch the world end in 2012." Faucher also claims that the world's downfall in 2012 might mean that the econo- my could come to a crushing While the unemployment rate begins to reach unprece dented heights, 2012 could see a rate of nearly 100 per cent of humanity out of a job. Expert criticize the new stimulus package for not including "end-of-the-world" insurance. Source: Conspiracy Theorists Campus News in Brief Bruno's cafe to open 24-hour It is a little known fact that Bruno's has a legitimate liquor license, however the café has now been given the green light to open a fully functional bar. What is known the upper level is the future site of what will soon be known as "The Dog and Lion Pub". The Pub will feature a rotating disco ball, jukebox, and stripper pole. Renovations are slated begin on May 30, and alcohol aware ness programs are scheduled to take place June 1. The Health and Wellness Center has been warned, according to sources. Apocalypse to begin three years early by diviving by In the early hours of Connor Sattely moiaging cis.so6o(a psusedu bar and tavern DISCLAIMER: THIS IS A PARODY - NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY. A police sketch of Cerebus, Student 4111 1 F Affair's new judicial system. Upon revelation of this development, the Student Affairs office has decided to entirely scrap the Judicial Affairs system, and adopt a "No Tolerance" policy by using Cerberus to punish students. "Underage drinking?" said Director of Student Affairs Ken Miller. "Send to Cerebus! Thievery? Jaywalking? Late homework? Send them to Cerberus!" Other employees of the Student Affairs office were not available for comment. North Korea readys misses for lunch TOKYO - North Korea has announced its intention to finally bring "all the single ladies" out for a nice after noon stroll, followed by a turkey club sandwich. "I really enjoy that song," says North Korean Overlord, Kim Jong-il. "It really speaks to me as a human being; one time, I was infatuated with a blind, siamese Tibetan twin. The shes and I would walk my Eternal Garden of Endless Power for hours on end, but as Ms. Knowles says in her new single, 'if you liked it you shoulda put a ring on it' and she's right: I should have put a ring [of chains] on her arm Apparently, shackling your beloved is the only way to The afternoon is to begin sometime around 12:01p.m. and end somewhere around the beginning of the evening. During which, Jong-il will be taking all of the single women of North Korea for a stroll through his Eternal Garden of Endless Power, replicating his first date with the siamese twin. "It's going to be a guantlet to the death," comments Jong-il, "whoever makes it out alive becomes my new beloved." Source: ...uh Wednesday, April 1, a minia ture black hole was generated in the bowels of Almy hall. It is a well known fact that one cannot divide by zero. When the action is done on a calcu lator, the screen simply reads "error". However, not many are aware that in 1953, Abert Einstine created the safety feature installed in caluclators that prevents the cold fussion reaction from ending life as we know it. So how did this tragedy transpire? After evaquating the honor's resi dence hall early this morning, bioengineering student Emily Harrington came forward say ing that is was she who acci dentially caused the early end of the world. "I didn't mean to. I accidentialy dropped my TI-89 in water last week and I guess the water must have fried the Safety chip." After a six hour energy drink binge and operating on 4 hours of sleep for the last week, the According to sources, Craig Berger will be the first fed to the dog for drinking the last of the coffee in the office and not brewing more. "That's just inconsiderate," said Miller. "I mean, come on. You kill the joe, you make some mo'." On a serious note, the Beacon would like to congratulate Ms. Caldwell and extend our thoughts and prayers for her new children. Obama to send an additional 4,000 troupes to Afghanistan WASHINGTON hi an act of substantial distaste, ['resident Obarna has anounced that the pressing crises in the Middle East, particularly in Afghanistan, have only one solution: weapons of laugh destrtiction. Enlisting all • those in Hollywood willing, a massive coalition of comedi ans will form the what is to be known as the largest gath ering of comedy troupes since Broadway invented laughter. The phrase "piss yourself silly" seems to have taken on a new meaning among the joint chiefs. "We really have had such a giggle fit that when Biden was in stitches," found later to be quite literal, "we decided the best course of action was to make use of this new-found weapon," comments President Obama Will Ferrell, who co-organ ized the front alongside Andy Samberg believes that what he and his fellow comedians are doing is the best thing for the Middle East. "It's the pleats...in the pants; I'm taking them back right now - to the pants store," said Ferrell when asked about his excitement for the new project Source: E! unfortunite freshmen acciden tilyy divided her physics equa tion by zero. Almost instantly a black hole materialized and began to swallow the dorm room. The latest reoprts state that the rift is now the size of a Ford Pinto and is growing steadily. Calculations show that it will eat the campus by Friday, April 3. No word yet on if the gateway to hell known as the Hammermill building will counteract this force of nature. Campus vending machines to dispense cigarettes, beer, marijuana, and perscription medication. Sometimes called "sin machines," vending machines that dispense controversial substances are sweeping the nation. More and more college campuses are including these machines, with the mentiality of "What the hell, the kids are Erik Holman reported to make it rain Connor Sattely ano;ing jai lun, ci,sso6llra hlt .cd National meteorologists have come to a conclusion on the recent amount of precipita tion at Penn State Behrend, and the surrounding Erie area. "We have decided, in a very long and confusing report," said the National People who are Usually Right in Predicting the Weather Association (NPURPWA), "that Erik Holman makes it rain." The conclusion of the study has caused an uproar in the area, especially from Behrend meteorologist Tom Atkins. "That doesn't really make much sense," said Atkins. "Rain and snow kind of come from clouds. For a person to be emitting that much precipita tion, it just, I don't know. Hey, you're not going to put this in the paper, are you?" Though the interview with Atkins was cut short, he was probably going to continue by saying that whenever Erik Holman steps onto a basket ball court, the water content of the air rises dramatically, caus ing rain. The Behrend basket ball teams were unavailable for comment, but their recent vic- tories could contribute to the rise in precipitation. The added worry of the weather wetness along the winter coast, though, has envi ronmentalists worried. "I'm worried," said one environ mentalist. Erik Holman responded to environmentalist's worries via text message to the Beacon on Tuesday: "lolz its kk cuz i mke it rain on da courtz lawl." One local man expressed concern. "Why are you still bothering me," he yelled. "You guys wouldn't leave me alone about that sports stuff [See page 5 - Commonwealth Campuses File Complaint], and now something about rain?" After giving the situation some consideration, the local man agreed that it was not beneficial to the environment. Recent rains and snow melts in the area has led to a danger ous rising in stream levels. Several people were carried away by the tides last week when Erik Holman made it ain from like, forty feet out eriously, it was pretty sweet. This space intentionally left blank: going to it anyways." The machines will include an enclosable curtain, much like those used on a voting booth, for students who wish to con ceal their identities. Bruno's Cafe now accepting Lion Pesos The ever-popular and well attended cafe at Penn State Behrend will now accept Lion Pesos, Penn State's new controversial attempt at appealing to different cultures. "We're excited about our abili ty to reach out to other peo ples," said a report that wasn't really released by Housing and Food Services. Cashiers at the cafe are required to stay current on all exchange rates, to the dismay of faculty and staff. Ken Miller named faculty advisor of Behrend Hair Club "Wait, what?" Miller said
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers