Friday, March 21, 2008 —• .*1 Don’t Forget to Validate Your Parking Mike u* * EXT. LOS ANGELES FREEWAY - DAY oof \ *7 mp The Porsche merges into heavy traffic - / as bullets riddle its side Tires burst 1 It loses control, side-swiping the metal c3_j roiling, sparks fly. An RPG comes of out ■ \ /i L nowhere. BOOM', and the Porsche m \ ! r— becomes a giant fireball that hurls at the screen- 1 |sct ***| KNGMNG 1 V. Frist from Cal 1. J \ li /L\ ■ { I’m calling you —_ V. from Florida. ) / Joe Frist 1 We went to X Wr- *-*-* / high school together' / ■ ' > \ i I sat behind you m J Ir \ i I Men Just Dont Understand Women Tiffany Flynn Men Just Don’t Understand Women... IT/TTH^yI J|N)oW |Vv.KNoWJ \fQ rfst* ' /Jc o 1 o°l hgh. eft*'/ miskV I u , *Jm I “Now I get why we have to plan our dinner dates... She’s got plans with other guys ' 6 out 7 nights of the week!” X. piynn Stuck x wj*s <_oucV\ V-J r was t 3 IKert uwo't' i'«* kf. j,roVKtr fc.Wps?. fnC o,ecs p 5. Jeremy Karwek Part-Time Astrologer ldkSW9@psu.edu Aries (March 21-April 19): The best way to attract someone who will be great for your life is to become an expert at subconscious commu nication. Recognize the truth. Tom Cruise is your true god worship him, obey him, act like him, be the Cruise. Just kidding! or am I? UMirtlS (April 20-May 20): You don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. But you will anyways. Gemini (May 21-June 21): You feel like someone is assessing your contributions. So double check your shoe for toilet paper when you leave the restroom. Cancer (lone 22-July 22): Relationships deepen when they are tested. So far you have a GPA of 2.0. (July 23-Atlg. 22): You need all the confidence you can muster to make the most of today's opportunity. So go ask if you can borrow a pencil, from that really cute reporter girl. Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): There's a fine line between following the trends and being a slave to Keep that in mind when in comes time to dress yourself. Libra (Sept 23-Oct 23): There's flirty fun just waiting to involve you. Just watch out for that guy who calls himself Ik. Tropical. UfkO' C“A\ei , <Wj Vs'.i <x wivtf . ) if L-H — (*)c* ;rv»f\ ivCvjs <Y O.C<KXUfA AO HYvOtei tv. \h* 'mvo V V?(f £ lo«f avt'V.fc v r ' Wo ‘v'^s Anna Pennington \o-k ou v x'c? M'f.do'jo 'oo' >•' r' X--/. So X U- ' , \ =Jh- tSm Weekly Horoscopes Disclaimer: Ad articles are for entertainment purposes only. iinvi o ‘We are not amused -Queen Victoria in l.allinmuions Eighth deadly sin: taking quotes out of context Jelly Phol News sources around the La Correspondent ** ave been reporting that the Vatican has updated the list of seven deadly sins. As most people know, David Fincher made up the concept of the seven deadly sins for the movie Se7en. These were loose ly based on the seven vices, extravagance, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy and pride. These vices were discovered by St. Gregory in the 6th century, in experiments involving what one can only assume were many fat. lumbering, jealous, arrogant, prosti tutes. However, since this slothful and gluttonous humor page greedily prides itself on wrathfully being the envy of more journalistically ethical and professional news sources; including the London Times, Reuters, ABC News and NPR, I decided to read the original article from where it originated. That would be L'Osservatore Romano, the Vatican newspaper and the Everybody Loves Raymond digest. T\ims out that the article was an interview with Bishop Gianfranco Girotti, played by Paul Giamatti. In the interview, Girotti said that there are "new forms of sin appearing on the horizon of humanity." And over two separate answers to different ques tions, he used the phrases "genetic manipulation," "environmental pollution," "social inequality," ‘"unsustainable social injustice," "social and eco nomic inequality,” "experiments and genetic modifi cations," and "drug use." Never did these take the form of a list, let alone a new list of deadly sins, which might render the movie Se7en an anachro nism. Why is all this relevant corrective news on the humor page you may ask. is it because of the hilari ty of far more reputable news sources, such as the London Times, Reuters, ABC News and NPR, not checking the basic facts of a story? Is it the idea that religion itself, most especially Catholicism is a joke? Is it nostalgia for the Nazi pope jokes of days gone by? Only the divine knows some things. With these pillars of journalism slipping up, I’m reminded of another recent article. It has recently been reported that print journalism, along with the Laugh Out Loud Cats #523 Adam “Apelad” Koford Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21): Return phone calls at your leisure; nothing is pressing enough to inter rupt your time for dreaming and planning. Don’t dream too much, with the economy circling the drain your boss is looking for someone to fire. Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Stay easygoing and you'll easily get untangled from the prickly points that really don't matter. Getting untangled from those bushes you were spying on the girls dorm from will be another matter. Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Your inner navigation system points you in the direction of stellar bargains. Reznor has a new album out, if your compass isn’t pointing you towards it then it must be bro ken. Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Your body needs rest and your mind needs a beverage appropriate for your age. That test in communications was a doozie. Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): Friends have so many wonderful opinions. None of which you'll care to follow, why? Last time you listened to them you woke up in Peru, naked. ~D L\ The Behrend Beacon I rest of print media, is in its final death throws, or a severe decline as drey mundanely phrased it. But sorely its just some tiny insignificant news outlet's editorial article that proclaims die immanent death of print journalism. Oh wait; it was the Annual Report on American Journalism by the Project for Excellence in Journalism. Now Tve been proclaiming die end of print media for years and prim media has finally caught up. I predicted it when they began radio broadcasts; I pre dicted in when they began television broadcasts, I predicted it when lot-cats started on die Internet. Clearly pictures of cats were the most accurate way to portray me gravitas of a story. But what finally got the rest of the media to take notice were the facts that while most obtain their news online, the ads are still mostly in pint, meaning that by getting our news online we're missing out on die ads. Much like Tivoing past the commercials, this is a form of ter rorism. Though if these were die new seven deadly sins, as reported, die possibilities for humor would stilt be delectable. The Catholic Church just added tak ing drugs to die list of deadly sins, kind of weird since cannibalism is still a religious ceremony for them. The Vatican has put financial gluttony on the list of deadly sins. I wonder if this will effect them, being the world's smallest nation and receiving over 2.5 million dollars annually in contributions from its global subjects. Pope Benedictine recently classi fied social injustice as a deadly sin...Oh c'mon peo ple! He was in the Hider Youth; he says other reli gions are deficient, pick a social policy, just pick one. This is fish in a barrel for a humorist, and not even a normal barrel, I'm talking about the tiny plas tic one from Barrel of Monkeys, the fish doesn’t even fit all the way in there. * 1 conclude with my own list, the seven deadly sins of the humor page; 1. Excessive use of images of Deacon die Beacon 2. Ghost of Bruno articles, all of them 3. SGA "elections," not the coverage, the entire process 4. Annie Se7in 5. Any mention of Thalia, or BUDPOT 6. Anything involving mana tees, while we're at it no more Chuck Norris jokes 7. Horoscopes, especially litre. Corrections and Editor feremy Korwek T .. „JUast issues Humor Editor article about Diebold leaking the election results was fake. Don’t worry there’s no mass conspiracy to rig the election, that 1 know of. Also the article was based off a video seen on The Onion. Sorry Onion fanboys and girls for not giving credit, it was accidental.
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers