today, Febuary 29, 2008 Don’t Forget to Validate Your Parking Mike u augh Out Loud Cats #673 Adam “Apelad” Koford I like shabu shabu, video games, boba milk tea, gamblmg- You re just embarrassing ) yourself. , Why thP hell «re you going to this industry mixer? You're not Asian. Dude, I am addicted to the Oriental poon l Those Asian girls are soooo cute 1 t can fit them m the palm of my- I gotta TIJMO L L Humour is. hv its nature. more truthful ih;m hieiu;il l’l. O'Rourke p-JTi >s^ Disclaimer: All articles are for entertainment putposes only. Diebold Releases Results of 2008 Election J.David Korwek Political Reporter This past week, the election results for the 2008 presidential race were finalized nine months early. The error was traced backed to a software glitch in the Diebold electron ic voting systems used by the majority of the states. The winner of the election, also declared by the software, was John McCain by a 30-percent margin. Due to the fact the Diebold machines were already cleared for use in the election, officials say that McCain’s election stands. So far no candidate has dropped out of the Weekly Horoscopes Jeremy Korwek Part-Time Astrologer jdksoo9@psu.edu Aries (March 21-April 19): When nothing is going wrong, it will. You should get ready for the worst. Stock up on water and freeze dried food. Get that bomb shelter ready and make sure you have a spare pair of eyeglasses. Taurus (April 20-May 20): Sometimes a person must leave home in order to appreciate it. Start walking. Where? Anywhere but where you are now. Don't bother with passports; they’re just dead weight. Gemini (May 21-June 21): Wise choic es you made in the past will continue to support you. Unfortunately; you never made any wise choices in the past. Now is the time to decide between the only two logical choices. Cancer (June 22-July 22): Take responsibility for the impression you make on others. So start wearing a big yellow hat and talk to a little monkey named George Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): You are your word. Your word is Taumatawhakatang - ihangakoauauotamateapokaiwhenuaki tanatahu. Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): You're forg ing an even stronger connection with that person who makes you laugh. (I like red heads.) Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23): Your body is affected by your general attitude toward ~D IX The Behrend Beacon I race. “Hillary, will give up when she’s sup posed to: Election Day,” said Christopher Roan, Clinton campaign spokesman. When asked,, Diebold apologized for ruining the illusion of Democracy and promised it won’t happen again. “We hope that when the election comes around people still vote, this country is founded on the illusion of choice and freedom,” said Director of fublic Relations lor Diebold, Erine Kenilworth. CONTRIBUTED PHOTO it. So start that diet you found online, the one with the maple syrup and cayenne pepper. Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov. 21): Everything is easier. But soon your teachers will find out that you’ve been cheating on your tests. So stop now! Hopefully you can divert suspicion to that crazy person who recently moved to LA. Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): You're in a generous mood, maybe too generous. The IRS might wonder how you can donate so much when you don’t even have a job. Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): You're trying out different ways to express yourself. Try the drag outfit that’s been collecting dust in the back of your clos et. Start in San Francisco, you’ll have the best luck there. Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Your mis sion is one of outreach. Just don’t try to reach too far, you might fall off the lad der. workers compensation doesn't cover falls Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): Don’t know if you're coming or going? Try looking behind you. If there’s no one there you’re coming, and if there is, you’re going. If you spin in circles you can come and go at the same time. Today’s Birthday (Feb. 29): This year, you become stronger and more flexible on all levels -- mental, physical and spir itual. Just don’t grow too much, clothes are getting expensive.
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