Friday, November 2, 2007 Preview of the KickassTM game By Mike Sharkey -Game designer, artist, genius, workaholic, depressed, lonely We all know that imitation is the highest form of flattery. Game developers have proved their great affection for their competition by "borrowing" every original idea ever made. Tetris, for example, has more clones available online, Alexey Pajitnov would be rolling in his grave (if he already wasn't rolling in millions of dollars from royalty commissions). In keeping up with modern game-making, Herbert Filby Studios, in association with Herbert Filby Productions, using finances from the "Vote Colbert for President" campaign is work ing on a video game that puts all others to shame. The game to end all games, and life on this planet as we know it. I don't mean to brag, but this game will be so popular when it's finished, the human species (and some pri mates) will stop mating just to play this game till they die. What would we call this revo lutionary new game? There is only one word that can describe it: KickassTM (Patent pending. Void were pro hibited by law, but we won't tell if you dont). What makes our game so revo lutionary? What would halt all life on this planet and end the world as we know it? Did you guess yet? Yes, you are correct: we copied every awesome fea ture in every video game ever created, and added our logo to it. The working title was "Ultra Super Radioactive Maritetrioidomination," but unfortunately, the name was already taken by a Chinese game developer living in his mom's basement in Brooklyn. Fortunately for us, we found the copyright holdrj for . „the "Kickass" trademark, and promptly broke his legs. He finally saw it our way, and sold us the license for -$42... Yes, I belive that was how much was in his wallet. That and a gas card; and a picture of his girlfriend. We took her too. With our new funding of $42, we were then able to purchase a Chuck Norris er Mario Bros Custer's Reven 100 acre lot, a 40 story office building, and hire 300 employees when we moved our facilities to Kazakhstan. The exchange rate is phenomenal, I might add. For our concept artist, we hired Tim Burton, just because all his stuff is awesome. He came up with some creepy stuff. Good, we have creepy. For our theoretical physicist, we brought Stephen Hawking in. Boy, that guy's a hoot. He was in charge of the hypothetical stuff our game might he capable of, in hypothetical situations, such as in a vaccuum, that sort of stuff. Since our budget was some what limited at first. we could only come up with a single frame of artwork before the entire com pany was closed down for a year, until the campaign for Colbert was initiated. After we smoozled in there, we were back in busi- Since we had the power of black holes on our side, we were able to create a virtual reality world where everything is ren dered not in real-time, but rather before the computer even turns Audio and video is sent direct ly into your brain. These signals generated in your brain are only harmful if you play more than 12 hours at a time. which is unfortu- nate. since the game won't release you till you either heat it. or you die. The time to heat the game averaged 1400 hours by our beta testers. The ones that managed to survive found them selves hack in the 19705. and formed the hand Devo. Since the game was in need of multiple patches and still had a few bugs that needed to he worked out, we decided that it was ready for worldwide distri bution. Unfortunately. the public was not ready for the game. for when we ran the demo, we could see that most garners didn't understand that the object of the game was in fact to find the meaning of life, while finding their true love and discovering the last decimal place of Pi. We were going to post a walkthrough Ron crem inal Fantasy Dr. Mario Leisure Suit Larr I ri-JID r E. Don't wipe before vou poo Online, hut the text was so long that all the chimps we had writ ing it died from carpal tunnel syndrome We decided to give the game one more year to polish, and I must say. the graphics have Unproved exponentially. We also simplified the gameplav so that normal human beings with IQs under 160 could figure out the paradox puzzles we originally had in the game. I personally feel regret in removing these puzzles. Whoever can't deal with the Grandfather Paradox obviously shouldn't he allowed to function in society. The game itself is in the final production stages, and will he released just in time for the Christmas season. We would have gone hack in time to release it last year, hut running our Paradox Simulator indicates that doing so would have destroyed the Universe, and caught Jimni Hoffa in a time warp. Below are the system require ments (we highly recommend using both an ATI and a nVidia graphics card in tandem in order to run this game most efficient ly): --Windows(R) XP with latest service pack installed t+t, -Intel Core 'm 8 Dual Quad E 64000 --60 GB RAM --NVIDIA GeForce 886000 GTS with 1024 MB RAM (or equiva lent) --ATI video card (any model) --Sound Blaster® X-Fi" series sound card --A degree in quantum mechanics --Life insurance --Kin to which we can report to --Health insurance --A masters deuce in Cryptozoology --A sense of humor --Nipple clips --A computer --Death insurance Flow Chart of KickassTm Influences The Porn Industr Chrono Tri . er Chinesc Fkotinc hidci Ripcl Peter Potamus reviews dat tin 13\ t..bert', /I, 111 brorhi . 0 / ' .O, /„,..• ,: . : 41 re-Tz;; ;) ~ - - ----,N , " , t . t --. i —. 1 ' s'. ''.. 1 4 .r: • 'N. ..... ,_,. _ / . \ i '....... .--.. / 1 -- ' %, ... ." 1,, Derr is one tine that I know in this life. Dat one tine that e‘er\ one stri \ You kiiGNA it. I It is a fart a life' \\ hen purstung plat ling. sometimes zings happen. and you gotta deal \A all dat ling as it h ippen, In dr...1110\ IC. happen lo ;I lot of people. ami (IC\ deal \\ (_lose 111 - 11\ out Ilic Ci‘titNC .11.1‘,1 vv lieu 011 think de\ got dal ling, kki line :HO de\ gotta deal \\ ith dat tins ;ill n\rr again. ,\ hunch of trictl dealing \\ 1111 d',ll tine I t t. but da tins v,eni ;Ind got Mein all lint. Den. de other pi\ got \tuck NA it dat and de\ hail de',ll \\ 1111 dat 100 in all. dps Il vis hip., all the d hirer ul Line !mi. (Li line COPYRIGHT 2007. DO NOT USE THIS PHOTO IN NEWSPAPERS... oh wait ficta helore Stephen Hawking went insane and added a google of Will Ferrell clones in tile WI - owed:l (l;i1;i\ v. which would have been Level 2. Halo 11 F.E.A.R Ilse Internet Half-Li Britne'S (From the yecyle that brought you yadded bras... She won't think it's your pinky anymore. for entertainment purposes only . CONTRIBUTED PHOTO BY MIKE SHARKEY Previously released only in Switterland, the new Special Edition of "That Thing... - will hit store shelves just in time for Christmas. Half-Life 2 Narbacular Dro Condom Podding! The Behrend Beacon I Chuck Norris Portal KickassTM
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers