I The Behrend Beacon What I think about in class By Liz Cybulski staff writer Well, sports fans. there's something we've learned from this past football season. If it's the championship game and you run back the opening kick-off for a touchdown, You will in fact lose the game. The play may he awesome, hut it screws the team over in the end. Just ask Sexy Rexy and "Way-to-let-the-lieisman-Down" Smith. My mother included this advice in a recent email to me: "Please dress as warmly as you can without looking like a nerd. - Now all you readers know from whence my smart mouth came. In my last article, the copy editors cut out the punch line to one of my jokes. The original line "your parents will no longer force you to eat veg etables you seriously don't like or make you be a part of the 'clean plate club — was changed to "...no longer force you to eat vegetables you seri ously don't like or make you he a part of the nor mal population.'' Not only was the sub-in not funny, I don't agree with it. The older you are the MORE your parents should encourage you being a part of the normal population. If not, you might just end up being one of those people lounging in their underwear in their mom's house yelling for more meatloaf. I can't believe some girls still have rhinestone sayings or words printed on pants that they wear in public. I'm so tempted to walk up to these ladies and ask if "I'm a walking fashion faux pas" can be bedazzled on their next pair and assure them that yes, your ass is big enough to fit the whole phrase. Just in case you are wondering, don't go for the Bruno's trays. Dobbins' plexi-trays are more con ducive in picking up speed going down the hill behind Science. r I r I I 1 free pair of huevos Good for asking out that one person that you don't have the. . guts to ask out Get a pair today. !fittoot eh- I know we all love to bitch and moan about not getting classes cancelled for snow or low temper atures. But hey, the university is actually smart on this one. They know there's no reason to cancel classes since we would just use cancelled classes as an excuse to still go out to the bars and par ties...like we do on the weekends anyways. However, they may not have factored in that lec tures and formulas aren't as big as a motivator for facing the elements as alcohol and flirting. Aren't you glad you're not in elementary school anymore for Valentine's Day? This holiday was not as fun as the rest because you knew the time was coming where you were going to be forced to hand out a valentine to everyone. Not just your lit tle pals, or the person you had a crush on, but even the weird kid who's desk wouldn't shut because he had too much crap in it and couldn't zip up his pants even if they had picture instructions on them. It was then that you picked whichever of your Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles or Strawberry Shortcake valentines conveyed the least Valentine's Day spirit and gave that one to him/her. And let's not even mention how the stay at-home moms would come in and make up some Valentine's Day crafty thing with Elmer's glue, popsicle sticks, a piece of yarn, and one of those paper lacey doily thingies. Even MacGyver was impressed. A student at the University of Massachusetts is suing his Philosophy professor. He is suing because his expected 'A' grade dropped to a C when the professor dropped the grading scale. This student was probably just not paying atten tion when this professor brought up the philoso phy, "I'm the professor, I make up the rules." And surprise, surprise this student is studying to be a lawyer. Way to hold up the "no one likes lawyers" stereotype, bucko. I'M RIGHT!!! i ■ ■ ■ 7 IEI _N - r - r- I Immediate argument ender. 1 For men only! (because women arc always right) Wu** Oran* Aptlititov =II press space •ar to or• t e river ~S 4 nail \ Ben Raymond Free Pass The Friend Zone Avoid an amazing relationship, go directly to being friends. 1 1 T e Life of a Comic, as told by Herbert Filby I received a letter (he asked me to / She included her from a young lady 4.7 N be her Valentine, .-. photo, and she is • • named Chastity.um and I about died • absolutely aft z",'"w right there! It `` stunning! gets so lonely in 111 ~....rm in love! 1 ...,.. here. .1 I What's this?! Chastity' Why have ei:. That's her right : -. :N you forsaken over there! umi, meeeee???? Y .... , 11 Mike Sharkey http://HerbertFilby.eom February 8, 2007 You've probably never heard of it. I founded it, have tried to popularize it, and it has not caught on well. 's is a successful failure. The articles I've written about it have not been funny. Again, I have succeeded at ailin.. Ironical! the success of TTFD is somethin. I was unable to do thus kee in with the s irit of the da . Saturday the 10th U.S. Experimental Sheep Station Remembrance Day Lest we forget Sunday the 11th Quail Hunting with the Elderly Day The first anniversary of the day that Vice President Dick Cheney shot an old man in the face. Thanks for reminding me, Madam Speaker. Monday the 12th International Anti-Holiday Day This is a day set aside to not have a holiday on it, unlike the rest of the calendar. Celebrate by ,rnaking up a pointless personal holiday. New Holidays Brought to you by The Humor Page Conflict of interest since 2002 By Jerry Pohl Friday the 9 - Fourth Annual Try To Fail Day Friday, February 9, 2007 MOVES Make one, take one free No double coupons. Offer expires after 2:00 a.m Tuesday the 13th Funniest Day to Dump Your Boyfriend Day For added emasculation, use the dinner reserva tions he made for you a month ago. Also, set him up with your token fat friend, then call him ungrateful for declining. • Wednesday the 14th Remember, only four shopping weeks left until Pi Day on 3/14. If you haven't been invited to a mathematics conference by now, face it, you've been snubbed. Also Valentine's Day (Canada) Thursday the 15th Lupricalia The ancient roman festival of Lupercus. The awesome holiday the Christians plagerized to make Saint Valentine's Day. They also took out the best parts, which probably bared resemblance to the movie Caligula. omens. I I
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers