Friday, November 17, 2006 op five of the week... By Brad Kovaicik staff writer Everyone knows that as soon as the turkey is pulled out of the oven, your relatives are all going to ask you what you’ve been doing in college. Instead of giving the same stereotypical boring answer, try throwing one of these out to your loved ones. That is why I have come up with the... Tod 5 Things To Tell Your Family Over Thanks givin Dinner That You’ve Been Doing While You Were At College. 5. “Do you think you could loan me some money? The girls at Partner’s only pay attention to me when I give them fives.” 4. “I met these really cool people, we all have the same sneakers and pretty soon we’re all going to have matching jogging suits. They told me we’re all going on a trip soon, so I’m pret ty excited for that.” 3. “I looked into the Women’s Studies Major, but it’s much less about anato my than I thought it would be. 2. “They started taking Lion Cash at the beer distributor, so I just eat Ramen noodles and spend it there.” 1. “I chugged a gallon of milk in an hour.” Behrend boxers By Liz Cybulski staff writer When people are eating something and say “Ew, this tastes bad.... Try it.” Why yes, I want to try something that you just said tasted gross. I’m a sadist. People who use the phrase “I seen it”, "I seen you” etc. I'm going to start making people pay me a quarter every time they say that. Maybe when they’re broke they’ll finally turn to correct English. Who ever thought it was a smart idea to stick more than two girls in one living area (like the Suites and Apartments) had to have been a guy. I’ll let you in on a little secret; it doesn’t turn into an Animal House pillow fight scene. An ESPN headline on Tuesday was “Bobby Knight Pushes Player’s Chin. Apparently, Mr. Knight was upset with one of his players during a time out and want ed to make sure the player looked him in the eyes. Are we supposed to be shocked? This is the man who made shot-putting chairs across a basketball court an art form. Two fraternity brothers are suing the film makers of the movie “Borat.” The two gentlemen state that they were “duped” into drinking, signing a release form, and being filmed on camera saying sexist and racist comments, which they wouldn’t have said otherwise. I hence forth give these frat boys new nicknames; one shall be “Liar, Liar Pants on Fire” and the other “Hi, MyArgument Sucks More than a Hoover.” Is it necessary for McDonalds to have Help Are you looking for a r< you like to wake up everyd; lives? Are flexible hours ant to you? If you answered ye: above, then perhaps a caret be a great choice for you! Applications are now bi position of watching a female. Duties include the Taking the initiative to other communication devices away from me while it is apparent that 1 am close to intoxication (this includes computers with internet access); make sure that I always have a safe and sober ride home; pro hibit me from waking up in the bushes next to the sand volleyball courts with an empty case of Natty Light on my head. Also, explain why going to the bar every day of the week is not a good idea in terms I can under stand, such as using the word “dude” in every sen tence; be sure that I do not hit on married men with two lanes for drive-thru? Most fast food chains want to cut down on making mis takes on driv-thru orders. Nope, not McDonalds. They want to buck the system by turning a driv- thru into a two lane high way of fast food! The up and coming Speaker of the House, for the very first time in U.S. histo ry, will be a woman. The “Speaker of the House” in my home growing up was a woman, too. I always knew by that one lit tle phrase, “Go ask your mother.” Don’t you love how easy it is to figure out how much tax you’re going to pay when you checkout at Dollar General? With the equation only being multiply the number of items you have times seven equals the change, even us Humanities majors can do it. O.J. Simpson has written a book titled, “If I Did It, Here’s How it Happened.” I’ve written a book entitled “When I’m Innocent I Lead Cops in a Car Chase That Lasts Hours Long, Too.” My mother is an elementary school teacher in Pittsburgh. She sent me an email telling me this true story: Last month on Friday the 13th, a little girl told my moth er that a fifth grade boy said the teachers were going to lock all the kids in the gym. After the teachers turned off all the lights in the gym, Freddie Krueger was going to come after them all. Honestly, I want to shake this kids hand. That story is friggen brilliant! And you know...if teachers actu ally threatened to do this, I bet we would n’t have discipline problems. idivio By Michell contributin; Nintendo Wii graphics are getting a little too realistic. Students are advised to stay in their dorm rooms. children and think it's ok because they are a "chal lenge” and I’m “bad to the bone"; robbery and van dalism are never a good idea; keep me from allowing people to think that my man voice is anything less than real; remind me that making out with inanimate objects, although sometimes a big thrill, should not be an option (this includes pumpkins). Lastly, never and I repeat, NEVER tell me that I am cut off. No experience needed, willing to train. Please apply in person between happy hour and 2 “So you had your heart Lloyd: young philly?" “No, It was a girl." Harry: Had your heart broken lately? Send me your sob stories The Behrend Beacon I turkey tale By Ben Raymond humor editor Thanksgiving is a special time of year. It is a time to return home, spend time with your fami ly and friends, and he thankful for all of the pos itive things in your life. But no matter how well a family get together is planned, having that manv relatives in one place at the same time can be dangerous. So this is a "madlibs" style Thanksgiving story. Fill this out and compare it to what actually happens. Hopefully, your holi day will go much better. So grab a sheet of paper before you read the story. Then make a list of all of words to corre spond with the appropriate words in the box. Then just fill them in as you read the story and enjoy the hilarity. NOUN. RESIDENCE HALL. NAME. ADJECTIVE, NOUN. VERB, VERB, NOUN. NUMBER. EMOTION. PER SON. VERB. COLOR. BODY PART, VERB. PIECE OF FURNITURE.VERB, THING, VERB. THING. RELATIVE, VERB, FOOD, SPORT. FOOD, VERB, THING. NOUN. NOUN. NOUN. VERB, NOUN 1 skipped my Tuesday, so I could head home early. When I got back to . I saw that mv roommate , was gone and had left a(an) pile of die of the room I got everything packed up and (ed) in my car. I tossed in a cd from my favorite band. The (ing) When I got to the door 1 was when 1 saw . They (ed) me until 1 was in I sat my bags down then 1 spent all of Wednesday (ing) on my . It greatest Thursday morning I was woken up by the smell of . It reminded me of when I was a child me . When I came downstairs and all of my uncles were watching the game on tv. 1 went to the kitchen to try and sneak a bite of , but my mom (ed) my Things were going well until the caught on fire, my sister dropped the and the dog got into the , Just when I thought all hope was lost. Grandma reached into the and pulled out a There was only so much of this that 1 could take. So 1 my and headed back to Behrend. I think maybe I w ill just stay here for winter break. broken by some Dumb and Dumber baraymondo3@yahoo. com ike Sharkey/ THE BEHREND BEACON 302 class on in the mid- hour drive 1 made it on the
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