Frida September 8, 2006 y, o, THE BEHREND BEACON 8 Friday 8 a.m. - Open House, Mehalso Observatory 12 p.m. - Open Swim, Junker Center 6 p.m. - Friday Night Soccer, Erie Hall Gymnasium 12 Tuesday 8 a.m. - Poster Sale, Reed Union Building 12 p.m. - Organ and Flute Recital, Smith Chapel 4 p.m. - Internship Search Seminar: What, Why and How, Reed 3 How to succeed in college By Ben Raymond humor editor When colleges and universities start classes each fall there are countless numbers of incoming freshmen. For many of them, this is their first time living away from home. It can be a difficult time. This presents freshmen with a lot of new challenges and possibilities. There are also a lot of myths floating around, whether from an older sibling, or movies they may have seen, or even on a website. So this is more or less a guide to help you adjust to the college setting and really survive your college years. First and foremost, stay in your dorm room. Only leave your room when you are required to attend class and in extreme emergencies. Nothing is more frightening than having to make contact with new people. You are in college to study, get good grades and then move on with your life right? You do not need to hear anyone else’s ideas or “expand your horizons,” that is just plain silly. Who knows more about the world than you? So sticking to what you know is the best way to go through college. One of the worst mistakes you could make is to talk to your roommate. Nothing makes the year go faster than sitting in complete silence while you are both in the room. You could even try hiding under a pair of head- phones. The music doesn’t even have to be playing. If they try to talk to you, just stare at ■MgiM v ; Top five of This is a list of the top S things you would never want to hear your roommate tell you. 1. That wasn’t lemonade, that was my urine sample for my parole officer 2, 1 don't use deodorant anymore because the aluminum could give you Alzheimer’s. 3, Ijust feel more comfortable when I sleep naked. 4, If we bunk our beds, I think FQ bp able to fit my drum set in here. 5, Bo you think it’s truethat if your fQGmmate dies you get As in your Friday, Sept. 8 through Friday, Sept. 15 9 Saturday 9 a.m. - Women’s Tennis Match, Tennis Courts 3 p.m. - Open Swim, Junker Center 13 Wednesday 11 a.m. - West Corporation Information, Reed Union Building 4:30 p.m. ■ Resume, Cover Letter & Employer Contact, Reed 113 8 p.m. - Open Swim, Junker Center your computer screen and go back to editting your MySpace page. Digital friends are the only ones you really need anyway. Since you already know that talking to new people is a no-no in college, it follows that joining a club or playing an intramural sport is entirely out of the question. The only kind of activity that would be acceptable is something like a solitaire tournament. That way the only person you could lose to would be yourself. At this point in the semester, if your resident assistant is trying to talk to you all the time or Health and Wellness is calling you constantly, then you might have to make some conces sions. You may have to give in and join a club. But at no point should you show any part of your personality. If someone at the meeting is talking about something and you have a point to make, do everyone including yourself, a favor and keep quiet. No one likes some freshman coming in thinking he has a “good idea,” trying to make so called improvements. This will just make you appear to be show-offish or a free thinker. All of this information should prove useful to your academic career. Remember, college is about writing papers, reading books, and taking tests. Regardless of how fun or inter esting something may look, stick to what you know. If you can follow these few guidelines then you will be on your way to that 4.0 GPA your parents always wanted. the week By Brad 10 Sunday 6 p.m. - Protestant Campus Worship, Smith Chapel 9 p.m. - 3v3 Basketball, Junker Center \4Thursday 2 p.m. - Club Rush, Reed Union Building 4:30 p.m. - Smith Reading Series, Smith Chapel 5:30 p.m. - Senior Pride Kick-Off Reception, The Cafe at REDC Escape Jordan Gilmore copy editor Recently I had one of those experiences that make you throw up a little in your mouth. While shopping at a local department store I recognized the wife of a pastor I know. I instantly started towards her to say hello. It was at this point that my desire to wash my eyes out with undiluted Clorox bleach kicked in like Steven Seagal busting into a doughnut shop. After taking a few steps towards her without thinking, I became vaguely aware that the racks in this department were filled with very tiny articles of clothing. Probably shopping for her kids, I ration alized. As I moved further in, however, I realized that the clothing got bigger and bigger and looked like defective parachutes. I glanced back at the smaller articles and noticed that the manufacturers seemed to be using more lace in the children’s clothing. Confused by this new development, and still a few feet from Mrs. Reverend, I stopped to take stock of the situation. I was standing in the middle of the lingerie department. In order to avoid detection, I quickly dropped to the floor commando-style and started to crawl out of the department like I was avoiding Charlie’s snipers posted on the tops of the bra displays. As soon as I was sure that I was clear of the danger from a department store disaster The Behrend Beacon I 11 Monday 8 a.m. - Poster Sale, Reed Union Building 12 p.m. - Open Swim, Junker Center 15 Friday 3 p.m. - Women’s Soccer Game, Behrend Fields 6 p.m. - Friday Night Soccer, Erie Hall Gymnasium zone, I jumped up and ran out of the store, pushing people out of my way and undoubtedly drawing more than a few stares. Is there anything more awkward than meeting someone in the lingerie department whose under wear you really don’t want to know anything about? Besides bumping into someone at the strip club. Before your shift is over. But I digress. Of course this problem exists only for men. Women don’t have to worry about bumping into some guy in the men’s underwear section. It does n’t exist. Of course, even if it did, there is no sexy mystique attached to men’s underwear. Women have a 50/50 shot at guessing what a man is wear ing beneath his jeans; boxers or briefs. Men have about a thousand different styles to choose from when guessing what a woman is wearing. And we don’t need that image ruined by inadvertently run ning into you while you are shopping for big old bloomers. Since this is really only a problem for men, reac tions to this story have differed between the sexes. Every guy asks one of two questions: “Was she hot?” or “What was she buying?” Sometimes they ask both. But every woman asks the same question: “What were you doing in the lingerie section?” IT’S ON THE WAY TO THE DOOR! Besides, its not like I was planning on seeing someone I knew in there. Do you have any idea how awkward church is these days?
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