6 I The Behrend Beacon Illt Friday, March 17, 2006 ... r [ll.• 11.1 ~.......1 11111116 \ y r C. 1, , 1111. r .., ) r , ui _ ..._ .. .. The people who count will yet it Rumsfeld comm i ss i ons i nvas i on - „ ~....., By Chris Hvizdak new "Star Wars" program. When questioned if not depicted in the most recent Star Wars ...„. • 4- ...... „-„. ••• •,,---- -.. , t,0. .. , ' - cell 1860r . pstLedu President Reagan's notoriously expensive and more than Boba Fett" and artfully declining to ineffective space laser program, which carried further explain his position by avoiding more . , - - • .• Following the resignation of Secretary of the same name, Mr. Rumsfeld responded, than 15 minutes of questions on the topic from -;- the Interior Gail Norton, Donald Rumsfeld, "That wimp Reagan only used the name 'Star the White House press pool, Rumsfeld offered $ , Secretary of Defense, is picking up the slack Wars' to scare the Ruskies. It's my objective to some additional information on President x • ..,'', ..:,.., • . and carrying out some of former secretary make the U.S. Army every bit as cool and ter- Bush's Moon-Mars Initiative. Norton's initiatives with military pizazz. rifying as the 'lmperial Army'. "We're going back to the Moon so we can ..; ~...,'• , i,. Rumsfeld's first action as acting Secretary of When questioned as to why the ANWAR hollow it out and make it into the 'Death Star.' ' 's - 0 ', 't• o r f, .I,i- ~. ~."•,, „ •- - ..ir . • ••=•:. the Interior has been to launch a massive preserve had been classified as a "rebel That way, when the Rebels think it's a moon, .:A- • ••,.:"...,..• kt ,A,!,:,.. ?,;? !' shock and awe campaign against the forces of stronghold," Secretary Rumsfeld nervously it really will be a moon!" -. „ .... '- , *,:-:P'i:'-;" i' ) . Congressional opposition by declaring muttered an unintelligible phrase, which, upon Those present for the briefing were largely ...., • -•-• . • Alaska's oil rich ANWAR wildlife preserve a expert analysis of an audio recording of the confused by Rumsfeld's obscure Star Wars „,,.... ... . , : .. "rebel stronghold" and initiating a $5O billion briefing, was declared to he "Snow Ewoks." references. Before departing, Rumsfeld indi ., r ,„ ...„ ... , ~ , . ~• ,•• ...„.. . program to construct a new generation of mil- At this point, the Secretary radically shifted cated that another $37 billion of Defense '• ~,::„••., - •••-• -.-:.• 11.) ' ' ,:.. ". ~a1.1,,-,., ' itary vehicles capable of navigating ANWAR's the focus of the briefing to his life-long appre- spending was to be allocated to the Dubanese, •-,!,!.:.,.:.. ~.„, :,.. , ..... .......... ~.. • . icy terrain. ciation of the Star Wars Saga and which ele- "We need some folks with the kind of experi -3 .. . .. - .74,„ . Unveiled to the nation last week was meets of the films he enjoyed the most. ence running ports that the Dubanese have to .400 i * - Bigßoy." a horse sized, four legged, walking Rumsfeld continued at length, focusing on his figure out how to get these things on the • ~0 , ..f-. , - , #* . ;: , ' '', :, ~ , - robot that is the first product of Rumsfeld's disappointment that "Imperial Walkers" were ground. That wasn't covered in 'Empire'. - ;'.4?•-, ~ ,e ~ - ,1 • • , ... i --- .....r. t .4.•.-- -. :., • --., . • k - .... .. . - ''. - Saint Patrick accused of specism . t Sayers seem to always have when they're By Bryce ', ••• , (.. .-.. - ,~' - #Ol l ..01 ' -4., . •••,,,,..,;.-z...' . . - „ , .._,„,. A i ' 7 staff writer looking for snakes. Whenever he V' ' touches the snake it finally stands up 4 0 , - •. ~ . ' i 4. , ,i ~ • hassoo4o pstLedu it' if, odo (figuratively speaking) and bites the ' •40 k. - -' 1:-!-... ...,,,,,.............. Saint Patrick's Day is a holiday - AINAVA ~. interloper. Irwin usually calls it a "bad ~ .• • „•,,, •• , - that, lam afraid to say, should - •' - 'o , b'';,% A.., snake" - well you would be a bad snake . ~.„... -...-- 4 0 .... i. :4',' ; ''' - . i .. • fi not be celebrated. Not because '01Itlia: ." - . . ................, ~..„.........„.....,.,...,..,....„,.,„.. ~... too if you were minding your own busi .,: . of the rising consumption of 1.0" „..,„....„,.....„...........„..... ••• -..„.„..........,............... ~...,„..„.............„,...„,....„ • .....,.....„....„.....„ ... .. ness with a good molt, and suddenly -. 4, • i ..i..7,1 4 .',-,..... f' -• . -:. • :.. 1i',2 ..1. ' . . : r alcohol or whatever controversy fivi::,. .................: ....... 1 ................:..... .„:„. . s:. ....... ....... .... . „........„ „.....,. ...... . - .•: z ,mx this crazy Australian starts prodding "'• Fit . f !'•:-• - •'''''i''' , 4g. , • ,,, ,:... •;,,.. :. i , ; . ' ' t'''' . ' 1 ,11 you may he able to drum up over II nk ' ,. :•''•'• - •:i'h ,,,, - ,,,,,,,,,,, " ..1,::,..,K , . ,,- - -1,,, ,, .. you with a metal pole, right? If it was ...-,.. ~...] , : !!•-;4 0 "*. --' ,..: . : ! 4, 4 r144 ' '.. \ '..?,-*. .• If .I' ' '. ; 4 • - ,Aiw- ' 11 it being a Catholic holiday. lam 1111V!].0. , ,,,,,,,.„:„,:,,,,4,q,,,,..-...„..-„m.,,.:].:::,,mn : wm. , :•.•-•• ,:g•Ur'' 41. `,.,;::',.,. me he'd be lucky to get away with just ,: , .-- • 1.......... ~. ,_ ~..,,,. ! . ..k . 40. -. • • . protesting Saint Patrick's Day I lk - ' - '41:5'A'''!!;i''&"?fi::•': , '•••,••• - •"•;'' - •:!!•!-W,,,,,,..,.,„ : „.,,e: - '41NIEii::."....... a bite on the arm and paralyzing venom -o‘..''''lVMK]..‘ •• 1 ,• 1 ' - 4l. * , 4]5": , '""q::: • . - :',','f:E:3•] - 7:.••': - .•,. Mike Sharkey coursing through his bloodstream. ...,.,...,, ~.„., . . . 5 .... .• Ir \ • • A' • '-- - • ' 'k . ' , ''' '...... .1, .. • .. . otry and ethnic cleansing. Saint he hates snakes is because he fell into a train What people fail to realize is that ~ !•4 ~. ..,,, • .•• , ••• . ~‘. „.. ... 4• ..,... "•-• -- • • - •• Patrick's is a celebration of a so-called "hero" car full of them. If everyone developed a fear snakes do a lot to help us out. They gave us ....• - rO . --., - ••' •• . • ' • . , ~. ,:. , •• ').".• • , v ' '•,' .., \ ..• . • • who drove away - and quite possibly drowned and loathing of something they fell into a room the feather boa, snake oil and Cobra 1 • 01'i ' .. .. '. '• \,•*t * •-‘.'-',,„ '-', .• . .• • - snakes from Ireland. lam one for defending full of, then Scrooge McDuck would have had Commander. Whenever Konami needs anoth i` . 2 " • • ' •• .1. i - • • .. • • •) . . ~ the oppressed and downtrodden, and no one a grand mal seizure every time he dove into er sequel to sell and the free world is in danger ... • , • -:*- ••• -••.: -...• .. - has fallen lower due to prejudice, discrimina- the vault full of treasure at the beginning of from nuclear war, they can count on a snake to . , . t ~ , • , • - • . tion and not having legs than snakes. every Duck Tales (Ah-WOO-oo!) episode. save the day. Okay, so "a snake" was actually •..r' . ' ' . , Since the time of the Bible snakes have been J.K. Rowling and her Harry Potter books a human secret agent codenamed "Snake," but , . feared and despised. Adam and Eve blamed continue to demonize snakes by using them as still... Also, snakes unhinge their jaws and „ * • . ' • • • . ~,. ,`', the serpent in the Garden of Eden for bringing symbols for both the scheming Slytherin swallow things whole. When was the last time . . ' . 9 - • Original Sin to the world. They convinced house and the dreaded Lord Voldemort (That's you ate an entire egg without chewing and spit ?cs. • • • • ? 1. God to curse the poor creature when they right wizards, I said his name). Where is the up the shell? I thought so. - ' • should have been thanking it for recommend- Harry Potter book that talks about how the To make a long story slightly shorter, snakes • ~. 1 , . . . • in such delicious fruit. Have you ever even Slytherins ran the Hogwarts bakesale, or when are getting the raw deal when they should be 'it . , • . tried apple-of-the-knowledge-of-good-and- Voldemort saved a puppy? getting a frozen rat. As an American who evil pie? Steve Irwin is another one of these types that loves equality and buffalo wings, I call for a And don't get me started on that specist grinds my gears. Normally he goes crocodile war on Saint Patrick's Day. As much as it chri. HO/dal - HE BEMBEND BEACON Indiana Jones, always going on and on about hunting, but every now and then he has the gall pains me to do so, because I'm a quarter Irish. :11 how he hates snakes. I saw "The Last to ferret out a snake or two and starts prodding I recognize that the underlying themes of anti- Rumsfeld rides Bigßoy into ANWAR leading his new Imperial Army. Crusade," and apparently the only reason why them with those metal rods that reptile people reptilianism must be fought. • 1 • • • Space: the failing frontier Questionable Top 10 Most • Attractive By Adam Zewe . ...., . ... .. Quips york correspondent See? I told you I left .... ......,.,:...,,-,..„ Politicians Have you ever looked up into my toothbrush here! . . ......,....„,„.,,, • •...._ . the night sky and wondered vvho " ---,..-• - 46, . " ' ' • .....': . '''*•'''''' . . .. . Mitch Hedberg By KJ Margraff staff writer or what was up there gazing kjm2B9@psu.edu , :i . :(1;;: . 1 . .• ,. ... , ::W44*--. , . . lift back at you'? Of course you .... ''.. • 1hii , •;i.t . ,,.:. - :; :•. ; Mrs haven't. Nobody cares about„ •- ‘•? T .i, - ,,A96.'#.4 i 1. Janet Reno - Got to love those .....,,-.i:- - , 71,,T;,.,.,::],0wt, .A.0.40m....„, . . space except those peeks at •••• -:.”. • 'l4% ......,.... ~..”'' thighs. „..,„:.: NASA with their S 4 million .. ,,,gap'74-i - i , - 64 I bought 2. Ross Perot - Those aren't ears, ::::.,. ~.! ]: .:k.,;.i. „ ; pocket protectors and S 6 million it.:k. ,- 1.. 's.iitS.•-. they're handlebars. vi, i= lxw •• .. ~..-• - . horn rimmedglasses. Those h.,•,„,..,...m...,,,,...,..• ..„.. ' , . i ,.,„.,,......,,,:, ...;-:,.. • ':.,..:.'Pril ' • 'I, 3. Linda Bebko Jones - You don't guys spend money like water, -,••- -- • -".." ....,;,, •-•°. .„.. • " have to drive far. - '# to myself a parrot. and all they seem to do is waste -.-: ' ........--.. .. . , 4. Phil English - A little something to imeept W.',,,,' :;,;,„-, ',- -- it on "pictures of new galaxies" .. ......::--7:.•••;14.t!,!7'-':•-,,,•,!:,•:.':;-%,.:.•'-- ..: :. The parrot hold on to. that look a lot like "a nicely • ,..• ;,- ,..* ,, ,,...i,- -' .. • - •°' - .lr i , i st '': ' 5. Linda Trip - She won't mind the ~.: • . filled Kleenex after a big - .. .;;;. . -- '! - i :; .7.. -.. ,er'''. • •':-•;•j.c;..;• 1. •,----,,.,„.5. . :•••••-- - • ~... .. • tape recorder. sneeze." lam sick of these -.::''A - •". --- - - ''''''•'.,..44:• - ," -... - 4 1 •. •''.'s, -- .!****::::00....-:- talked. But it ....„...,,,,,.„...,_.,;„:„ ..r , -.. , ~. - 6. The Queen of England - Royalty NASApeople wasting ' :.,- - ""' '' . "" . '-',.ii , : . :.:-- ,, '".:i...- , '--4' , "A'•,- , -..,.',,, '.,,--- f. :••••- - ~.. \iih• s,h,,h, rocks. America's money and I'm going to rant about it rocket scientist cleaned ,your windshield, installed 7. Newt Gingrich - With a name like until I get bored. your air conditioner or made you a sandwich? did not say, Newt, who can resist? The newest failure of NASA is the Genesis space Never. And you know why? Because they're get- T 9 8. Monica Lewinski - Hey, if she's capsule, which was supposed to gather vitally ting rich off money the government is giving them 1. m hungry, ••• good enough for 8i11... important dust bunny samples from some planet out to explore space. Who needs space? Why don't we 9. Chuck Norris - Roundhouse there somewhere. I'm too lazy to do proper spend those billions of dollars on something really • • kicked himself onto this list. research. The problem is that it crashed in Utah important, like commercial free TV? S 0 it died. 9 9 10. George W. Bush - It was going to instead of landing gracefully in Houston. so now all NASA sucks in billions of dollars a year without be Al Gore, but Florida got confused. those vital dust bunny specimens have seeped into turning out any useful results. All they do is "spec- Utah's water supply and made Utah residents even ulate," "theorize" and "take long lunch breaks." I The Life of a Comic, as told by Herbert Filby more gap-toothed and slack-jawed than they say we dissolve NASA and spend those billions of already were. dollars on paying off advertisers so they stop with . _____ • So, as a taxpayer, lam concerned about NASA the commercials. Think of the benefits. You could , • fit lipr , . ... bubble , t -4.11111 h. Co.' -tam. spending billions of dollars just to send robots up watch an entire episode of "The View" and never be !--T / feels like a .* Now... how do' get art of here # bubble. 4L Ike into space so they can crash. Plenty of things crash interrupted. Obesity would decline because ol;&/ oA rik ,ii' here on Earth that we can study. Take cars, for Americans couldn't get up and eat refried Twinkies example; they crash all the time. Or friends you for- during commercial breaks. Crime would decline got you had who lost all their money in technology because criminals couldn't go rob banks and pass ( stocks; they're always crashing somewhere, usually laws in Congress on commercial breaks. Also, the • . -...* . ~ .. on my couch. Why doesn't NASA just watch a few welfare of society would be greatly improved-,-, . /-, "Worst Car Crashes in History" shows on FOX and because I would be happy, and that's all that really ~.• ' . .. curry sir , 4.1111116 ..-.. '06,41/4. ttel be done with it? But they can't; it's not in their mis- matters anyway. . /4 1- I e WAH! V you 'on I IV hbOut that Sio n statement. So, in closing, space sucks, and so do commer- Neil Armstrong epitomized the NASA mission cials. NASA needs to go before we become so e id il, statement best in his famous 1969 remarks from the space-obsessed that we forget about the problems of C moon, "That's one small step for mankind, one Earth, and, most importantly, the problem of long, giant leap for NASA's budget." drawn out, commercial breaks. The next time you .l. . .. look up at the night sky, spit at it, and then prompt- - ly move or you'll get a wet surprise. Think about it. When has NASA ever done any thing useful for you? When was the last time a f:'this page ..:.,,,.-.,.. ~..: .:,._ • • - •••• . ••••••••..'. • :- 7 - •- . . , • • MA/ shariir 4 .?•06
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers