I The Behrend Beacon Punxsutawney Phil Punk'd By Annie Sevin editor in chief cilitorinchtel p.u.edu Put that furry little rodent hack in its cage! No, that was not an innuendo. Why must the American population (and the people in other countries for that matter) be subjected to another pointless holiday? If the answer to that question is because Americans like to have some remote reason to party, then throw the holiday away. It is useless to toss an innocent and clueless groundhog into a hole in Gobbler's Knob before the crack of dawn, open the door and then scare the bejeezus out of him. So what if he sees or doesn't see his shadow...who really cares? No one. No one cares because no one, absolutely no one. actually celebrates the meteorological talents of a woodchuck! And if any one says they do, they are lying. There are only four types of people that go to Punxsutawney (Punxy) to see good old Phil: Type 1 people who live in Punxy: type 2 the media: type 3 teenagers (and those who think they still can act like teenagers) looking for an excuse to get wasted on a school day: and type 4 crazies from other states and/or countries. It's hard to comprehend the reason Fail when you try next Thursday By Jerry Pohl humor editor ihpls3(a psu edu On Feb. 9, Try To Fail Day will once again he upon us. The purpose of this day is to try to accomplish things that you know you will fail at. For most of the year, there are those things you don't bother attempting because you know that you have no chance at succeeding. On Feb 9, don't try to succeed; try to fail. Try betting money on your victory in a sport you've never played before. Try to find buried treasure in your neighbor's yard. Try dropping out of school to become a grape farmer. Buying a lottery ticket Steelers play Nittany Lions in Hyperbowl By Jerry Pohl humor editor hp I 53 Or ptiu.edu This Sunday, before the Super Bowl, The Pittsburgh Steelers will face Penn State's Nittany Lions in the Hyper Bowl. As with all football games for the past several years, the game will not actually be played, as it is cheaper to film and broadcast the playing of a game of Madden 2006. Most Behrend students are conflicted about who to root for. On one hand, many students are from Pittsburgh. On the other hand, a Nittany Lion loss could raise tuition. Some Buy a Gross, it's no imposition! that people take this day so serious ly. Okay. so Bill Murray starred in a movie called Groundhog Day (there was only one scene that was actually filmed in Punxy). What if he hadn't done that movie? Would as many people know about little Phil? Would anyone really care? It's a little hit ridiculous to think that there are high schools in this state that cancel classes for Groundhog Day but not for Veteran's Day. There is a bigger hoopla made in Punxy on Feb. 2 than on the Fourth of July! Groundhog Day is a bigger mockery of human civilisation than Sweetest Day (Oct. 16) For those readers who don't know anything about Punxsutawney, it is very much a Podunk town. It's one of those "blink and you miss it'' communities, and Gobbler's Knob is really nothing more than a grassy lit tle knoll in a lackluster park. The high school spoils teams are named the Punxsutawney Chucks (?!). There are murals of Phil, the moving target, everywhere, even on the side of their McDonald's building. Any town that prides itself on showcasing a whistle pig rather than exterminat ing it is not a town worth going to on any day of the year. will have even less probability of success Some of the world's most well known failures are people you wouldn't expect. Einstein failed to think up a unified field theory. Edison failed to invent a machine to suck darkness out of a room, settling for one that filled it with light. Chuck Norris failed to reduce his awesonmosity to stable levels. Amelia Etirhart, Nevell Chamberlin and Wile E. Coyote arc just a few examples of people who have inspired failures everywhere. Here are some tips on how to decorate your space for Ti' To Fail Day. The obvious way to decorate is to commemorate your own past fail ures. Dig out a test you got an F on and put that 4[DI I D_ r - 1- During the Hyper Bowl, advertisers will pay $lO million for a ten second commercial, and that's for ads on channels competing with the game. Commercials during the game itself are much more expensive. China bought a 30 second spot in exchange for all of the tea contained within their boarders. Steve Jobs sold his soul to buy a 45 second iPod commercial during the game. For some reason, Jack Abramoff was offered a free 20 second ad. The popular- ho count trill 'et it up on your refrigerator. Display a photograph of yourself being romantically rejected. Make a scrapbook of jobs in the classifieds that you're not qualified for. These things will help you give your dorm that ambience of failure. Several Behrend organizations are planning events for this year's Try To Fail Day. The Matchbox Players will attempt to make the audi ence laugh at Improv; the Vegas odds on this are currently 217:1. The Lion Entertainment Board will submit an SAF proposal for a comedian people have actually heard of. The Behrend Beacon is also getting involved by trying to pub lish ten full pages of relevant content. Read next week's edition to see how much of a failure it is. State of the Union/animal hybrid In Tuesday's State of the Union address, President Bush finally broke the long silence over a major controversy and spoke out against human-animal hybrids. This is a decisive, reasonable action taken by our President in the face of an imminent threat to our freedom. If our intelligent designer intended there to be human-animal hybrids, he would have made bestiality legal in the ten commandments. In scientific circles, these hybrids are known as chimeras. Natural chimeras, such as cen taurs, existed thousands of years ago, but were hunted to extinction by pure humans. Ancient humans feared chimeras like the Minotaur. Even the less threaten ing chimeras with goat legs did not survive to the modern day. The only chimeras left today are mermaids, and they are on the endangered species list. There are some chimeras that have recently evolved naturally Behrend students decided to support the Penn State team, as they were Cleveland Browns tans anyway. Zealous Pittsburgh fans were not upset, saying. "They're paying out of state tuition, so at least they got what they deserved. - This year's half time show will be the biggest spectacle yet, John Lennon and George Harrison will be brought back to life to perform a Beatles reunion. The stadium itself will be transmuted into pure energy for 17 sec onds, and during the grand finale, Chuck Norris will fight him self from the future. The real story is in the commercials By Jerry Pohl humor editor hp I 53(wpsiLedu Website:of/the.Week http://www.happynews.com/ Quote of the Week "Yesterdays are my busiest days."-Bryce Sayers SOLDIERS OF FORTUNE $11.75 PER HOUR PRO BONO WORK AVIALABLE (LAMBS ONLY) AVAILABLE MON-THRUS CALL NOW. 808-6488 IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM IF NO ONE ELSE CAN HELP AND IF YOU CAN FIND THEM ity of the Hyper Bowl even allows the Beacon to charge extra for ad space, provided they run an article about the game. Friday, February 3, 2006 with strange new powers. In response to this, some senators are proposing a Chimera Registration Act (CRA), but a bald guy and a redhead have been successfully lobbying against it. Some chimeras have banded together to form groups that fight for the rights of chimeras; the most notable of these groups is the Thundercats. CIA satellite photos show evi dence of strange activity on an island in the Pacific. The owner of the island, Dr. Moreau, says noth ing unorthodox is going on. All reporters sent to the island have decided not to return, but have requested that catnip and eucalyp tus be sent to them. It's not natural chimeras that Bush is against, but rather, artifi cial ones created through alchemy. Chimeras are very complex crea tures that can only be created by skilled state alchemists. Chimeras are indeed dangerous creatures, but even more dangerous are homun culi, artificially created humans. Currently, 40 percent of the defense budget goes to researching the creation of the philosopher's stone.
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers