Friday, January 27, 2006 Bruno's By Thalia comic muse jbpls3@psu.edu Many of you may have noticed smoke coming from the chimneys of the Glenhill Farmhouse; rather incon spicuous since its winter. The fact that the building hasn't used the fireplaces since Watergate is what drew the attention of humor editor Jerry Pohl. Jerry went to see one of his oldest and dearest friends, Chancellor Burke. The two met years ago, when Eurke was a theme park character in a foam suit and Pohl was a crime solving musician. Jerry hadn't seen him since the celebration of the Chancellor's new post at the victory party for his legendary ravine jump. Jerry entered the Glenhill Farmhouse as smoke bil lowed from every chimney. Jerry told Dr. Burke of his concern over this. The two went about the Glenhill Farmhouse checking every fireplace together, after they finished their requsite Long Time No See duck hunting trip. Not only were none of them in use, they were all spotlessly clean. If they were simply out of use, they would be dusty. Jerry and the Chancellor took a close look at the last fireplace, near Dr. Burke's office. Upon inspection, Dr. Burke noticed that the fireplace itself wasn't as deep as the brick housing of the flue. A quick knock on the back of the fireplace revealed that not only was it metal, but it was hollow. Clearly the flue was still in use. "Great Gozer's ghost!" exclaimed Burke. Jerry and Dr. Burke knew there was a mystery to solve, just like old times. Some knocking on the walls found the location of a hollow area behind a picture of Bruno, the Behrend family's dog. Lifting the portrait off the wall revealed a secret passage. Luckily Dr. Burke never leaves home without his trusty old-fashioned torch, because it adds that nice spooky feel to any darkened corridor. The pas sage led to the long abandoned Glenhill basement, which had been boarded up ever since the Financial News editor quits paper By Jennifer Haight news editor jahloos@psu.edu Fed up with the dictatorship that was The Behrend Beacon, Jennifer Haight left the Beacon in search of something better. Despite it being so incredibly lucrative, the Beacon just was not enough for Haight. She was held back in all aspects. She was not allowed to use expletives in her head lines or words such as 'burgled.' Haight once had dreams of running the Beacon, being its new dictator; these dreams were dashed when people started doubting her. One Thursday, betwixt the hustle and bustle of layout night, Haight had enough. She up and left the world of journalism for a somewhat less lucrative business of dia mond mining. As the old adage goes, you can take the girl out of journalism, but you can't take the journalism out of the girl. Haight began running the mine as though it were a newspaper. Miners would approach her with what to the naked eye would appear to be flawless diamonds; Haight would tell the miners, "What do you take me for? These diamonds will never do. Quote of the Week "I hate money, but I love the things money can buy." -John Bigus Sarcophagus burgled behind Science Building By Michelle Vera Suroviec photography editor nusl2l@psu.edu The Archaeology Club held their annual dig yesterday, which this year took place behind the Science building. During the event, what appears to be an ancient sarcoph agus was unearthed. "It was amazing. Just think. This discov ery is extremely important. I think I'm going to get a girlfriend now, and we'll shag for forty days and forty nights inside it. Is that too kinky for a first date?" eyewitness Noah S. Ark, said. Upon first glance, the sarcophagus stretch es out ten feet wide and has what appears to ghost; the saga continues Aid office went back on the gold standard. In the basement, the intrepid humor editor and the Chancellor found what appeared to be a laboratory. The source of the smoke was found to be one mas sive fireplace, with ducts going to every chimney. "It's just like campuses' IT fees get funneled to Main Campus," said Jerry. The two went in for a closer look. They saw that students wearing jump suits and masks were continuously feeding the fires. In shocked horror, Dr. Burke and Jerry heard a scream as they saw that the students were disposing of live creatures in the fire. Traversing deeper into the lab, it was discovered that this was the secret lab of Behrend's Science Department Representative; a man known only as Dean. "Feed those failed experiments to the flames," they overheard Dean order. "And bring me a donut; these manatee fumes are making me hungry." Jeny and Burke tried to make their way out, to expose what they had seen. Before they could escape, the pair heard a cry for help. They turned to see a large manatee. They looked at it and were taken aback as it spoke, say ing, "Take me with you." When they inquired as to the manatee's identity, he told his amazing story. The manatee contained the infamous Ghost of Bruno. Some may remember that Bruno's Ghost was busted last year by the Beacon's own Chris Hvizdak. Viz had Bruno's spir it trapped in his special ectophemeral storage facili ty (patent pending). However, with the constant ren dering and editing of his first feature film, Viz was too distracted to notice that his containment unit had been burgled. "Penn State has once again proven it's adeptitude at extracting valuable resources from its students" said a sleep-deprived Hvizdak. "And just when I figured out how to power my film editing computers with the immortal soul of the Behrend family's dog." Dean had taken Bruno's Ghost and planned to They cannot fill a five hundred word space, not even with a 10 point ledding and a 14 point font. You need something bigger, bet ter!" There is one person Haight answers to, and that is Kim Young 11, her mining advis er. Young is very similar to the adviser she worked under at the Beacon except for that Kim Young at the Beacon was less of an adviser and more of an advisor. People still cannot tell the difference, but Haight will be damned if they try to convince her that they are one in the same. Haight has her own team of diamond edi tors, similar to the copy editors at the Beacon, only they catch the flaws. These diamond editors are few and far between and they do not complain about working to all hours of the night (this is partially because Haight will not let them complain, otherwise she will roundhouse kick them in the head, a skill she picked up from a CNAC (Chuck Norris Appreciation Convention). These diamond editors are skilled in all verses of the language of dia monds and catch every last detail. Keeping the mine clean is another aspect of mining that Haight is very adamant be a ceremonial engraving. Upon closer eval uation, it was discovered that someone spilled Mountain Dew on a pile of Archie comics, and the ink was running. "This proves that they were an advanced civilization and that Veronica and Betty are the ideal women of their time," said Professor Indy Jones, who was in charge of the dig. "Unearthing a strange sarcophagus makes achieving tenure so much easier than fighting Nazis for dinnerware." With the mention of Nazis, a crowd started to gather to fight over the sarcophagus. "Don't even get me started on Nazis," said Anne Frank, 02 Creative Writing, the secre tary for the Jewish Club. "Nay!" said Old Man Withers, 36 u_vr 'r' i- about. Before anyone is permitted to leave, she makes sure there are no Pepsi cups or salad dishes lying about. Anything left in the mine after hours will without a doubt be torched; this includes checks for large amounts of money, school books and babies to name a few. Another thing Haight likes to ensure is that people call her "mom." She likes to think of her miners as children she can boss around and then make it up to them with star charts and flavored tootsie rolls. Haight is a very emotional and volatile person. This works against her sometimes when the miners are not doing exactly what they are told. This often leads to multiple roundhouse kicks per night, but Haight insists that this is what works for her. Despite Haight's unties with The Behrend Beacon, she still cannot seem to edit it out of her system. She does not real ize how much of the Beacon she has brought with her to the diamond mine, which she calls her "guiding light." Because of this, it can be said that she has been strongly influenced by this college newspaper, no matter what she tries to tell you. Communications. "This artifact proves that Jug-Head is a superior being. It belongs to the Church of Scientology." After another hour of debate, the Biology Club, who wanted to make the campus a sar cophagus-friendly habitat, the Film Club, who wanted to immediately start a documen tary, and the Marketing Club, who wanted to sell the rights to the sarcophagus's story to FOX, soon joined the crowd. Soon after, the Chemistry Club arrived on the scene to prove that Old Man Withers was indeed Old Man Withers, the Engineering Club calculated the probability of the sar cophagus being a hoax, and the Psychology Club determined that this was all a dream due to a traumatic childhood. flifffEWM Bruno the manatee relaxes in his undisclosed location, secure in the knowledge that he is safe absorb the specter's powers into his own body. This would give Dean the ability to withstand weeks with out on-campus events. Thus far, experiments had only been able to place Bruno's consciousness in a manatee. Burke and Jerry rescued Bruno the Manatee and have hid him away from Dean. Upon trying to gather photographic evidence of Dean's lab, Burke and Jerry discovered that all traces of it had been removed overnight. Dean himself is nowhere to be found, and the same can be said of his team of work-study stu dents. Bruno will be safe in the holodeck of the base ment of the Beacon Office until his next adventure. Horoscopes By Michelle Vera Suroviec clairvoyant through medicine misl2l@psu.edu Aries (Mar 21 —Apr 19) Lucky Charms do not make the most nutritious breakfast choice. Switch to homemade, whole grain biscuits Taurus (Apr 20 May 20) An opportunity arises to steal your roomie's breakfast cereal. That marshmallow delight is part of your birthright. When the clovers and blue moons are placed in the proper sequential order, a trans-dimensional portal will open. Gemini (May 21 June 21) Chuck Norris heard that you were telling people that Chuck Norris has counted to infinity twice. This is not true as Chuck Norris has counted to infinity four times. Expect two round house kicks in your near future, The first is because you deserve it, and the second is to kick the life back into you, because Chuck Norris doesn't want you dead.. yet, Cancer (whenever) Oops, the astrologist forgot about you Leo (July 23 Aug 22) Blue is not your color. In fact, nothing is. Try dressing in your birthday suit, and you can sleep in for another ten minutes. Yugo (Aug 23 Sept 22) Penmen is an untapped gold mine. Mix it with gasoline; it Website:of/the.Week http://www. kittenwar.com/ The Behrend Beacon I riNtsmells really good. ' , Libra (Sept 23 Oct 22) You will make a new friend with long sharp fingernails. Although he busts up your waterbed, he makes up for it by creating wacky hairstyles and perfectly trimmed hedges. AZiiimNk Scorpio (Oct 23 Nov 21) Don't bet on the Super Bowl. You're not going to win no mat ter what, but you aren't entitled fill io to the reason why. Sagittarius (Nov 22 Dec 21) You have been chosen to receive strange knowledge. For the Super Bowl, the Jaguars will win by negative fifty against the Browns. The Steelers and Seahawks decide to have a walk off, Zoolander-style. Severe wardrobe malfunctions force the NFL to rewrite history; there fore, nullifying the existence of the cities formerly known as Pittsburgh and Seattle. 014,Zir,Aiip 4 % 4 74; Capricorn (Dec 22 Jan 19) You really should have had that rash looked at by now. Itl/415 Aquarius (Jan 20 Feb 18) Never trace your family tree. Papa Smurf has a secret, your mental stability depends on never discovering it. Pisces (Feb 18 - March 21) - You will believe you can write hotosaves when you suffer a imd trama. The humor editor will think you made them up and pin them on his page. 'alai for now
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers