I The Behrend Beacon Nine Inch Nails' Emo Tour 'O6 hits Erie By Jerry Pohl humor editor bhp 153( ps,u.edu Tickets go on sale this Saturday morning for the popular Marilyn Manson cover band, Nine Inch Nails, which will be performing right here in Erie, March 7, at the Civic Center. This will be a homecoming of sorts for a North Western Pennsylvania native who has collaborated with The Nails on many of their most well known proj ects: Trent Michael Reznor, best known as the keyboardist of semi-local musi cal sensation Option 30. Option 30's self titled album topped the charts with songs like "Der Kommissar" and "Edinboro radio interview." The band made a name for itself throwing parties for fans who came to shows early, including party hats and Twinkles. Before Option 30, Trent's only musi cal experience was with a band called The Problems. The Problems are best known for the album Light of Day, which was featured in the movie "Back to the Future." Trent's new project, Nine Inch Nails, has been struggling for many years to equal the success of Trent's earlier work like The Exotic Birds and The Innocent. The other QUOTE OF THE WEEK "I think I could manage to get myself tried as .a juvenile."-Jerry Pohl Ah, La Mort: Death is a Door Recently, I meant to resolve the issue of separation of church and state and ended up alienating myself from both of them. I want people to know now that I don't hate religion or faith; I just don't believe that any one religion is more valid than the other, except in the case of how Scientology is worse than all the rest, and that's only because they oppose the use of anti-depressants, which, in all honesty. are the only things that have kept my mask of sanity intact. Pills are good. Faith is good too, but I have issues with most of them. The problem with the counter-critics those who retort agnostic and atheist mantra, is that they aren't asking the right question, which is: "What, you think you can do better?" I am here today to say that we should at least try to. Now, you probably think I'm advocating cults, and I guess I am, since a cult is just a religion with fewer members and Xenu. Where am I going with this? It's a non-profit plug for an amazing new prod uct I've discovered: the Make Your Own Religion Kit, now avail able from The Graven Image Catalogue. Religion is many things, but its main purpose is to satisfy our human need to overcome our fears of our inherent mortality. We all have different ideas of why we lead doomed lives and what should happen to our souls when they are separated from their incompetent vessels. This kit will have everything you need to form an ideal life and path to your ideal afterlife: I. Blank Scripture: To the unenlightened, it appears to be a everything you need to carve your "Thou-shalt-nots" as you relax you have to get your friends and loved ones involved and then leather-bound notebook, but to those with vision, it is the blank on your outdoor cots. Also, the Graven Image is offering a harass a metropolis until one of your members is martyred by the slate that shall record the word of God, or Goddess or whatever. "Deluxe Taboo Tablet-tron" that you can get 10% off of with authorities. Some odd centuries down the road, your create-a-cult There's also a DVD-R at the back of the book to record either a proof-of-purchase from this kit. Just mold the tablets out of the will be the cornerstone for civilization. Now, if you'll excuse me, filmed interpretation, or better yet, to record a video game of your cement, carve and place outside your local courthouse. Set it and I'm off to make a religion where our messiah is a totally awesome choosing/design. Why the DVD-R? Because if your religion forget it! midget and our "God" is a chick with four boobs. ••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• 00000 ••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• Website:of/the.Week http://members.aol.com/Patriarchy/definitions/extremism.htm ••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • Den By Den Sena .n retired field marshal and freelance advice columnist Columnist's note: My mentor and predecessor, Dan "the ladies' man" Sedan, passed this column on to me after an ill-fated manatee hunt. Soon after the publication of his last column early in 2005, he began his pursuit of the great mustached mime overlord: J, H. Leviathan. After months of niugh waters and endless fighting, his ship, The Antelope, shook and pitched on her side. "How I wish I was in Sherlmolt now!" cried the frightened crew (myself included), longing to;return to their home- port. Long stag short, as the ship came apart, the main truck carried off both of Sedan's legs. Miraculously, the now legless Sedan and I bcenled a lifeboat, and, in time, found our way to Halifax. Sedan, seeing himself as nothing more than "a bro ken man on a Halifax pier," passed the torch on to me, as it were, chnraing that his days as an advice columnist were over That said, I shall now try to replicate the great Dan &dot's world famous advice column, Dm Den Smkba, MY fiance and I are to be married i n May; I love hi m dear l y who) such a b that his moth e r and ut I've found almost da il y to tx.ingf= to his house hita g° dinner, do bi n laun dry, clean bin, b oon and tasks. Both he an d are ..=.1.51.1.4"r 63 me, ode do time for t h e , k444""m"." nave lit lua""l6 IMO up, i s • souls to be members of these bands have retired to spend lots of money and ignore Trent's phone calls. Trent and the other eight nails have tried to make it big covering other musicians' work, such as Johnny Cash's famous song, "Hurt" and Carly Simon's "You're So Vain." Trent also sampled some rhythms from the Joy Division song, "Heresy," into his song "Dead Souls." which appeared on the soundtrack of the movie "The ('row." Trent also appears in "The Crow" in a scene where he crowd surfs to My Life With The Thrill Kill Kult. Most people know that the name of the band, Nine Inch Nails, refers to the length of the nails used in the crucifix ion. But Trent actually didn't know that when he got the band name from a lyric in the song "Little Earthquakes" by Tori Amos, whom Trent was married to briefly. Trent also received a Computer Engineering degree from Allegheny College in 1983. Another interesting bit of trivia is that Trent composed all of the music for the video game Super Mario World. The programmers were so impressed with his work that they named a character in the game, The Reznor, after Trent. The music of The Nine Nails (abbre viated TNN and not to be confused By Bryce Sayers contributing writer bassoo4@ psu edu Sneddan doesn't have an orgasmic movie/video game like God of War or Fight Club, then what are you wasting your soul on? 2. Iconography mini-kit: Some people aren't into this whole "reading - thing. and others don't have the attention span for movies. while others suck at games. For these folk, we have religious icons: little pictures that display images of the gods, saints, devils and shortcuts to programs. It comes with pre bordered cards, markers, watercolor paint and brushes, and if you want to go "old school" and make mosaics, there's colored sequins and glue. 3. Multi-purpose Religi-dish: This is probably my favorite part of the kit. It's a little ceramic bowl that's dishwasher safe and flame-resistant. You can use it for holding ceremonial flu ids like wine, blood (more on that later), water, or even motor oil. Then, as I said it's also fire-resistant so you can burn stuff in it (we'll call it "incense"). There's also a mortar or is it the pestle whichever one you use to grind things, it's got that. Like the name suggests, the only limit is your imagination. 4. Ceremonial Knife: A religion just isn't a religion without bloodletting. Comes in skull, batwing or rainbows and candy canes for the lir Ones. 5. Taboo Tablet-tron: Your scripture should cover everything you need to know about how to get good karma from your dogma, but for just the meat-and-potatoes, you'll need the Taboo Tablet-tron. Comes with hammer and chisel so you have a problem; will he expect me to clean up after him? -Career Girl Dear Career Girl, Well my dear, I understand your concern. However, as you learned in your home economics class in high school, if a wife shirks her wifely duties, she should expect to see a lot of her mother in-law. In your career; is "self-actualization" that important to you? Wouldn't you rather have the choice, the opportunity and the privilege to sit at home? Look, all you would need to do is keep the house clean, have dinner ready, do the laundry and every now and then shop with the money your hus band gives you. How hard is that? I guess some people can't appreciate the easy life. tell you what, if you don't want to do that, I'll take care of it for both of you. Dear Den Sneddan, My girlfriend broke up with me and I don't know what to do. I really loved her, even though she was always so cold to me, but I never expected her to do what she did. Well, I guess she wasn't technically my girlfriend, but I love her (and I've been watch ing her ever since she smiled at me in the produce isle of the grocery store she stopped going at her regular time, 5:43 p.m. Sundays, a while ago, don't know why...) she's really great, and I know I'm a pretty good guy, yet she just completely snapped on me, A few nights ago, one of the times I drove by her house, she and a bunch of her guy friends came UM OR FMTEIRIMIffffI with The Nashville Network) may he too hi-tech for some listeners, as it is for some audio systems. Trent was lis tening to some of his first album, Pretty Hate Machine, on a friend's Mono speaker, and it sounded like David Bowie covering Skinny Puppy. He real ized that his music was so complex that it was far too advanced to be appreciat ed in anything less than 5.1 surround. Unfortunately, the label, TVT records, would not let Trent make all future recordings impossible to play on any thing other than expensive Dolby Digital. which was unfortunate since Dolby had already paid Trent off. A compromise was reached, and all future releases were emblazoned with the warning "not for use with mono devices. - Trent has had problems with music labels ever since his famous beating by the Talking Heads' manager after Trent stole their signature back wards letter motif for the NIN logo. Nye Nitch Nail's trademarked demonic sound is no coincidence. During the making of his mid-nineties album The Downward Spiral, Trent recorded and lived in the Tate Mansion where the infamous Manson Family murders took place. Trent did this so that the ghosts of the murder victims could make the music extra hardcore The Advice out, dragged me out of the car and beat me up, then she called the cops on me. Do you know how much bail is now? Too much. But anyways, I still see her now and then. She doesn't see me usually, but I see her, from the roof of the building down the block and across the street, and from the third window in the vacant office building on the other side of the road from where she works. I thought the restrain ing order was just a nice way of flirting. I'm so con fused; do you think we're really breaking up this time? -Confused Dear Creepy, Well my friend, I can sympathize with your girl friend troubles you're at the point in your relation ship where direct contact with her should be avoid ed (unless, of course, you're taking her to your place, we'll get into that in a bit). Here's what worked for me; first make a shrine to her. I don't mean any kind of shrine; I mean you need to take up about two floors of your house (not the base ment, we'll need that for later). Steal small person al effects from her: hairbrush, underwear, used tis sues, whatever floats your boat. Also, take lots of pictures of her; you could try the drive-by method, but I would advise that you get a camera with a really nice zoom lens. If you're really bold, photo shop you t =the pictures with her. Next, fin , your Dig it at least two times deeper than what it is; keep it nice (you might be keeping her here until she comes around), but not too nice, with their supernatural powers. The influence of the dead can clearly he heard in the songs, especially when played backwards. Trent also wrote the song "Closer - specifically for the movie "Se7en" while he was pos sessed. The Fragile was recorded in a Funeral Home in New Orleans that Trent bought. That alhum had to he even more awesome so Trent needed way more ghosts. Long time fans, or NI NjaS as they call themselves, have been hard at work for years deciphering the complex Halo numbering system. Each official release is given a corresponding sequential Halo number. The Halo sequence is an ancient mathematical secret that only Trent knows about. These mystical numbers tell him when to release material. Albums were released approximately every five years. with singles coming out at what were thought to have been predictable intervals. But all fan theories of the internal workings of Halo numbers were rendered asunder when e‘en the most conservative predictions tailed by 2004. The length of time between the release of the live album..-bid All That Could Have Been. and The Hand That Feeds, the first single off the new album, Bleedthrough. showed that we Religion Kit Now only $6.99 . 0 , 4 40501 , 1 t ' e; Per' , 1 0, 0 lirCVUILAE. God Of course. this kit only has the beginnings of your faith Friday, January 13, 2006 will probably never fully comprehend the intricacies of Trent's Halo number ing system. Stephen Hawking is pur portedly working on a new theory based on the Fibonacci sequence. Recent news reports have claimed that the next album will be called Mpeworm and will he released soon. Intense and careful research has shown that this is in fact false. The source of that information is the website remorsedge.com, which claims to be Trent's personal homepage. This site is in fact a hoax perpetrated by the notori ous NiNternet humourist known only as "Meathead. - The next album will actually he called Impossible Pain and will double as the soundtrack to "Quake: The Movie.- The Eric show is sure to feature a Limous fan favorite. Trent's live rendi tion of the Zelda Theme, as this is played at every show. Anyone who has been following this hand's Behind-the- Music-ish story can agree that their big break is imminent. So be sure to see this concert while it's still in your price range. Before you know it. NIN will be selling out concerts coast to coast and charging fees simply to join official fan clubs; thankfully, those days of fame and success going to Trent's head are far, far away. The Gravest rage nage Make Your Own 1 kipir Column and very secure. No one (like police) gets in, no one (like her) gets out. Finally, you need to find a sure fire way to win her love. As mentioned, you can apprehend her and keep her in your basement until she comes around. You can stock up on arms and go "vigilante," dedicating each communist and criminal you send to the Great Beyond to her. If this is the case, remember: bonus points for major puti lie officials. Be creative, the only thing keeping you from winning her heart (aside from that bothersome restraining order) is your imagination; voodoo dolls, love potions and elephant tranquilizers are all great ways of saying "I love you" and have wen women over for centuries. So good luck, get * OW there and give it your all! Dear Den Sneddan, You are so great! You're smart, funny and attrac tive, everything a girl can ask fix! Are you avail able? How can I get in touch with you? We should have dinner; I'll pay! I really want to meet you. Can I? -Every worthwhile girl Dear E.W.G., Well my dear, while I am a busy mart (Whig the world, hunting manatees and all) I'm always,will ing to meet a lovely ybung lady. If you get in web with my editor, he'll give you the contact Inftstra:. tion the (or if you're really lucky heti pgt My business manager, who will fit you into my sched ule for a quick meeting. Thanks for the bueoutt - , % line ei,/THE BEHREND BEACON
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