I The Behrend Beacon Warning: Ouija would warp world weirdly A popular Halloween tradition is breaking out the old Ouija hoard and interfering with powers that man was not meant to meddle with. A recent trend this year is that of combining tradi- tional Ouija and other popular games. These activities arc causing problems for many participants One of the most common games to play on a Ouija hoard is Scrabble. The game lends itself naturally to a combination because both games involve letters. The problem is that the letters will keep rear ranging themselves into mysterious and horrifying messages and predictions, mak ing it difficult to keep track of the score. One of the simplest games to play on the hoard is Tic '.'ac Toe. Play fast though, because after a few seconds, the Xs and Os turn into alchemic symbols. Even playing Connect Four causes problems, as the checkers will randomly hover; that's cheating. Playing chess is a bad idea due to the fact that the pieces will come to life and fight each other. Once one side wins, the surviving pieces will turn on the players. During one particularly good game of Risk on a Ouija board, an army of zombies conquered Egypt. Games of Ouija Battleship routinely end in the sinking of cruise ships. Third-hand accounts that a friend's cousin heard about happening to someone Ouija Candyland spawns a demonic tooth fairy they don't know tell an even more vivid tale. In a game of Monopoly, the car ran over the dog, and the dog came to life and hit someone. The mouse from Mousetrap came to life and gnawed off someone's face. Four Hungry Hungry Hippos ate a guy's whole family. "My friend told me that this guy she met on the internet told her about this time that a friend of his was playing Operation on a QUOTE OF THE WEEK "Why are all perverts me from the future?" -Jerry Pohl Zombies zone out zealously By Brad Kovalcik contributing writer bcksol3@psu.edu Have you been noticing students on campus meandering aimlessly about Behrend? If you've seen this strange occurrence, you're not alone; in fact, this phenomenon is on the rise. Recently, there has been a virus found in some of the chickens of Erie County that, when introduced to the human bloodstream, causes lack of energy, decreased mental capacity and the inability to speak, other than primal grunts and moans. After local officials traced the ship ping of the chicken products, it was found that some of the infected poultry was actually sent here to Behrend and served in Dobbins on Oct. 22 and 23. When Food Services discovered this information, they immediately removed all chicken from their shelves and started to have chicken shipped in from New York. However, anyone who ate some type of Chicken Stir Fry or had a Chicken Cosmo the weekend of the Oct. 22 is urged to seek immediate medical attention. "This is definitely a blood infection, but it can still be passed through sali va," said Dr. G. Andrea Romero, a doc tor at Hamot Medical Center. "This means don't share drinks, food, or eat ing utensils with those that may be infected. Also, try not to be involved in an intimate situation with someone that might have the disease." Just recently, some hosts with extreme cases were heard only to mut ter one word in repetition: brains. Doctors are still unaware if this is a step toward wellness due to the resumption of forming words, or if it is an even more severe symptom since the infect ed grow more violent and attempt to bite the flesh. Regardless, the Beacon will keep readers posted with any updates on this shocking story. By Jerry Pohl humor editor jhpls3@psu.edu Halloween hijinks haunt happy homes Halloween is the one time of year when millions of Americans forget how dignified they are and spend their time with such worthy pursuits as hurling handfuls of corn at windows and seeing just how far a roll of toilet paper can fly. That's right, few holidays can compete with Halloween in its ability to broadly appeal to mischievous souls of all ages and backgrounds. The people who generally have the most fun on All Hallow's Eve arc the youngsters. Few and far between nowadays are the opportunities to not only get obscenely jacked-up on sugar, but also to do so not only with their par ents' permission but their actual blessing. Every year, inno cent homeowners are accosted by thousands of children lurching about demanding sugary treats or else. These chil dren are very good at this lurching. Whether they arc dressed as ghosts, pirates, turtles, video game characters or various cuts of meat, these children do a singularly competent job of lurching menacingly toward every lighted doorway on the block. In fact, it would be hard for them not to, because there has never been a Halloween mask in existence where the eyeholes actually line up vaguely with the area where human eyes generally occupy a person's face. When the youngsters get home at night, the next great Halloween tradition takes place: the ritual bartering and trading of candy between siblings and friends before the Feast of Glucose begins. Sometimes this involves the candy being spread over the floor, but eventually each participant identifies the pieces of butter candy, apples, coins and worth- Buffy bleeds blood drive dry dramatically As students are aware, there has been an increased number of vampire attacks on campus lately. Many students have reported feeling light-headed, and upon examination, small puncture wounds have been located on their arms. The levels have reached epidemic proportions and the resounding a call for outside assistance is nearly deafining. "Vampires have always been a problem on college cam puses, but until now they've been under control," said local expert of the Macomb, John Laroquette. Penn State Behrend's "Monster Squad," a group of stu dents who have dedicated their time (between classes and binge drinking) to combating the crea tures of the night have usually been able to quell the thirst of these savage beasts. "The big problem lies in the difficulty of distinguishing the walking dead from ordinary stu dents who sleep all day and tend not to bathe too frequently; it is tough. I've felt a bit silly myself on a number of occasions when I Buffy brings her crossbow to all blood drives, just in case accidentally staked a few unhy gienic insomniacs traversing the grounds, and now with the number of attacks more than tripling, we are just in over our heads," said Roger Van Helsing, president of the Monster Squad. Using SGA funds, the student body unanimously decided to take a decisive approach to eliminating the problem once and for all. "We realized that the issue had become more than we Ouija board, and the guy with the red nose kept screaming for anesthetic, - said Gil Eble, 01 ENGLISH. "I know about this one that really actually happened, that my girlfriend's brother read about in a book of urban legends where people were playing Jenga on an Oujia hoard and every time they took pieces out, the tower would bleed." Some students even have first-hand accounts 4‘, 4 , 4 0 , ss,LI to„,011 be mentioned that while playing Jumanji on a Ouija board, nothing happened. Twister and DDR have not been tried; if anyone tries them, please let the Beacon know the results. As an experiment, this issue of the Beacon is printed on Ouija boards, so if anyone notices anything out of the ordinary, like interesting articles, lack of typos, or a funny humor page, bring these abnormalities to the attention of the Beacon. By Pat Webster assistant news editor newseditor@psu.edu By Randy Martell contributing writer rsml93@psu.edu _FffJMOR Ic who count will , et it "I was playing a game of Shoots & Ladders on an Oujia board, and my friend landed on a shoot, and the floor swallowed him up," said Sue Dologue, 07 FICTION WRITING. "One time I was watching my sister and her friends play Oujia Mystery Date, and one of them had to date a three headed goat that didn't know the meaning of the word, 'no.' It might have ended badly if I weren't there to save the day. - To investigate, the Beacon staff has tried several games on a Ouija hoard and suffice it to say, the results were chilling. While playing Yahtzee, we seemed to roll an inordinate amount of sixes. Some may say that was a statistical anomaly, but that couldn't explain the fact that while playing Trivial Pursuit, nearly all the questions were about dead people. Some may try to write 1 that off as a coincidence or even "expect ed," but they are silenced when told that when playing Ouija Clue, Mr. Body died at the very beginning of the game. If all that evidence isn't enough for some readers, then no skeptics will be left after revealing that while playing Guess Who, the faces talked; OK that might have been the com mercial for the game; it was pretty late. In the interest of objectivity, it should less tokens that some people foolishly hand out that night and attempts to pawn them off to the others through a process of trading and bargaining. Of course, once this process is completed, all parties involved begin the sweet binge that will drive their parents crazy and raise their blood-sugar lev els to dangerous new heights. Those youngsters that are too old to participate in the beg ging and threatening of the old and feeble find other ways to occupy their precious time. These are the people who grab the aforementioned toilet paper and corn. Sometimes these intrepid adventurers go so far as to arm themselveN with eggs and soap. Whatever their chosen weapons, they soon sct out to wage war against the evil doors and windows of the neigh borhood, defending their friends and neighbors from the nefarious threat of being protected form the cold. Believe it or not, some people do not appreciate these valiant warriors' faithful efforts. Some of them, such as myself, find ways to tight back. You have a choice of several weapons options when wag ing your little war against the adolescent eggers and toilet paper hurlers. Personally, I prefer one of those old Super Soaker squirt guns or possibly your standard green garden hose. Nothing is more fun than hiding behind a hush or some shrubbery and blasting those mischievous fiends with an icy blast of cold water while the outside temperature quickly nears the freezing point! Yes! Let their toilet paper disinte grate and turn into a mushy mass! Haha! Muahahaha! Er, excuse me. I mean, Halloween is a great holiday and can be a great deal of fun for youngsters of all ages. I look forward to seeing everybody out and about Halloween night...l'll be watching from behind my shrubbery. could handle and that only an expert could make any head way at this time," said an SGA spokesperson. To this end, vampire slayer and lover, Buffy Summers was brought in. Her exploits are so well known that she is cur rently in talks for a book deal, which would detail her expe riences battling vampires. Concerns were raised due to sto ries claiming that she completely destroyed her hometown, leaving a crater where it once stood and that Buffy had spent a considerable amount of time in a mental institution. Those were deemed nothing more than hearsay. From the first moment she appeared on campus, Buffy immediately put an end to a huge vampire operation that was under the guise of a charity event. "It was fairly obvious what was going on there. I walked in a room and there were a group of vam pires draining students. It was incredible. Students were waiting in line for vampires to feed from them. They had the audacity to claim it was a blood drive, but I've been in this business long enough to know a vampire smor gasbord when I see one," said Buffy, glowing with self-pride. Buffy then collected her money and laughed maniacally as she left town. After this, the number of attacks almost immediately returned to normal. There still remained a handful of attacks reported, but at levels that were to be expected for a campus of this size. "There have still been a few reports of isolated vampire attacks, but if you ask me, I'd say that those students were heroin addicts, not victims of vampires," said nurse Amy Skeptic of Health and Wellness, who, on a side note, was recently let go due to reports that she herself was a vampire. Letter to the editor You should all he ashamed of yourselves. Halloween is the devil's day and no one has yet gotten the campus to forbid this evil holiday from being celebrated on campus. Many people do not know the origin of Halloween. If they knew, they would not celebrate such an evil holiday. Beneath Halloween's candy coating is a history of evil. Halloween is a day when dead spirits come hack from the afterlife and demand food, or they will curse your house. In the fifth century BC, the Celtic year ended on Oct. 31 with the cel ebration of Samhain. All fires in the village would he put out except for one on a hilltop. Around this fire, they danced through the night. Then, all the villagers would light their hearth-fires from the bonfire. Such harmless acts of community bonding cannot he tolerated; they could show that non-Christians can he good and loving people, too. Halloween is a day on which people can commune with the devil. But they have to dress up as one of his creatures to get heretical prophecies Out of him. Dressing up children as witches encourages them to fornicate with Satan. If you give her a witch's hat, she cannot help but be seduced by handsome Lucifer and exchange her soul or body for magical powers like Faust did. Do you want your daughter to frolic naked under the full moon, consorting with demons and werewolves? Remember, "do not imitate what is evil," 3 John 11. But where do pumpkins come from? Don't believe anything you hear about Irish immigrants carving turnips. Pumpkins become animated and consume people. Creating a Jack-o-lantern frightens away the pumpkin demons. Christians don't have to fear the evil spirits inhabit ing the pumpkins because the Bible says so. In order to show your faith, you should not carve pumpkins. Modern Halloween is a plot by Satanists to try to convert our chil dren. They bring out demons and witches and werewolves to take our children from God. We cannot allow children to he so influenced. In 835, Pope Gregory IV moved the celebration for All Saints' day from May 13 to Nov. I. This was an effort to convert the Celts who cel ebrated Halloween the previous day. You should he like the converted Celts and celebrate a day later than the heathens. Having said all that, should I go as an evangelist or as Lucifer him self, resplendent in his glistening golden armor? I'm thinking Lucifer because I should put aside the deeds of darkness and put on the armor of light. - Romans 13:12. - Some crazy creationist Friday, October 28, 2005 Logan Stack staff writcr lwsllB@,psti.edu Random ramblings: Dead animals By Michelle Vera Suroviec photography editor mis 1 21 @psu.edu I didn't want my mom to know about my dead animal friends. So I'd put them in blankets and carry them around the house. I had a dead cow head and My dog ate' its e . );es. It 'was all gboey so gave it a bath. Onetime my mom said, "What's that?" and I said, "Nothing." She got mad and made me put it by our neighbor's house. We hoped it would ward off evil spirits. He thought we were vampires cause he didn't see smoke coming from our house in win ter. I also had a goldfish. I named it Judge Judy. When my brothers were mad at me, they would pee in the bowl. She lasted a year. I didn't want to clean the bowl out, so I lived with the smell for about a month. I wanted to be a coroner until I found out you have to get elected, and since I didn't get elect ed prom queen, I don't think anyone's going to vote for me for coroner. Facebook.com Profile of the Week Viad the Impaler By Jerry Pohl humor editor jbpls3@psu.edu One of Penn State's most blood thirsty alumni is Vlad Tepes. Born in 1410, Vlad didn't have access to a qual ity university, as people still thought the earth was flat. Hailing from Transylvania, Vlad saw Pennsylvania as the natural choice for college hunt ing. He was very studious in Political Science, with outstanding grades across the board, except for his Freshman Ethics class, in which he tortured and decapitated the teacher. In grad school, Vlad would often sever the heads of students who screwed up the curve. This is how he started his famous col lection of impaled heads. His penchant for displaying his heads on pikes earned him the nickname "The Impaler." After college, Vlad focused mainly on a military career, and has remained active in war abroad, as there was a sudden drop in the need for law enforcement in Romania, where all of his enemies were locked in a hall and burned alive. In his spare time, Vlad enjoys drinking blood and ruling Walachia. http://psu.facebook.com/profile.php?id =9305224 Editor's note: Facebook,com Profile of the Week is a showcase of creative profiles hem the *Ai sne Facebook,com. This is not affiliated with the creators, owners or operators of the site.
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers