I The Behrend Beacon Oi tie foil slip The John M. Lilly Library was built tough. Tonka tough. The Behrend engineers who built it calculated the exact weight of a 1(H).0(K) square foot library and built so the building would stand for I.(KK) years. The library is currently sinking due to the unanticipated weight of three doors of books. "What kind of a person would fill a library with books?" asked Gillian Nye. 34 BEHREND ENGINEER ING/MATH BEHREND, “It was 1994. we thought the school would know better than to waste their money on books since Encarta Encyclopedia was obviously about to replace all non-digi tal reference. We assumed the three doors of shelf space were just for show." Bchrend's first library was built in 1983: it sank into the gorge. So. Behrend built a second one; that sank into the gorge. So they built a third one; that burned down, fell over, and then sank into the gorge. But the fourth one stayed up and that is the library that's sink ing today. After more than 10 years of research, Behrend has come up with a solution to the problem. One of the large trees in front of the library will be cut down and turned into a mast, the books will be recycled into a sail and the bottom door will be rebuilt into a keel. In this way. the library will be turned into a ship. The John M. Lilly Library will be renamed the S.S. Snedden. in honor of the student who led the push for the revolutionary solution. Dan Snedden 05 JOURNALISM/POLITICAL SCIENCE, who was promoted to main campus for his work on the ship initiative, showed the viability of the plan by constructing a scale model library ship out of cardboard. He displayed this feat at the 2004 Cardboard City event. The pirate themed cardboard ship was con structed with the help of Lawrence Hall, the Council of which Snedden was Vice President of at the time. Former President of Lawrence Hall Council. Zack Mentz 07 COMPUTER SCIENCE/ POLITICAL SCIENCE, has vowed not to be outdone. He will be turning Lawrence Hall into a frigate and Ask not what The Humor Page can do for you, but what you can do for The Humor Page To write for this page contact: jbpls3@psu.edu Cool Ranch Terrorists By Dale Harvey contributing writer Yesterday evening. President Bush announced that he is implementing a new system to determine whether an individual is a terrorist. "Before, it was more or less a matter of if you looked Arabic, you got labled a terrorist," said Bush. "Now it’s different.” Following Saddam Hussein’s cap ture, it was discovered that he had an insatiable taste for Doritos. Further studies have shown that every single known terrorist also loved Doritos. Therefore, scientists conclude, all peo ple who like Doritos are terrorists and this is what the new system is based upon. However, it is of note that terror ists absolutely hate the taste of Cool Ranch Doritos. President Bush also announced the startup of a new website, www.notater rorist.com, in which you can type in the name of any person in the world. If they do not like Doritos, a picture of the per son will appear on screen with blinking neon letters stating “NOT A TERROR IST!” If they do like Doritos, a picture of the person will appear with bloody letters oversetting the face stating "TERRORIST!” Meanwhile, a super top-secret under ground weapons platform will tunnel to the terrorist’s current location, rise up out of the ground, make a loud bang and slap a sticker on their forehead that cannot be removed and says, “Shoot me- I’m a terrorist!” The only time that this new system doesn’t work right is when a person likes Cool Ranch Doritos and no other flavor. They will still be targeted by the new system. “It’s regrettable, to be sure,” said President Bush. “But sometimes we are called upon to make sacrifices for the security of the United States. Besides, they like something with ranch flavor in it. So they’re evil anyways.” So, the next time you notice someone acting suspicious, you’ll know how to find out if they are a terrorist. By Jerry Pohl humor editor No water in the Champagne Room Things are starting to look up in the city of New Orleans. No, I don't mean that FEMA has a handle on the whole “disaster relief' concept. What I mean is for those of you who once viewed the “Big Easy” as a make shift laboratory _ for research on thongs, pasties and binge drinking - the city i( is ready to oblige “Laissez les bons temps rouler” (Let the good times roll). The good times began rolling on Monday September 20, when Larry Flynt’s popular strip club Deja Vu re-opened for business in the French Quarter. If you are wondering, the second most popular business to re-open in the French Quarter was the Deja Vu ATM. Contractors, law enforce ment officials, rescue workers and anyone with free time and spare cash is frequenting the club. There is good news for patrons; the $lO cover charge is being waived and all drinks are $3. It seems like there is never an inappropriate way to spend money whatever the situation. Britni Carrubea, who works at the club, reportedly had to evacuate the city with nothing but the clothes on her back. It seems that it’s laundry day for her because the clothes are nowhere to be seen. Ms. Carrubea says that she is glad to B U Y Once you pop, the terrorists win The popped collar can be traced back as far as the dawn of creation. For many civilizations it was the root of all evil. Look at the Mesopotamians, the first known human civiliza tion. Clearly they destroyed themselves because of popped collars. Let’s not forget the Egyptians; brilliant mathemati cians, built huge structures, but then the sun god Ra popped his collar and all was lost. Greece fell because they built a statue on the Parthenon with a popped collar. Yes, even though it’s unknown to most, Achilles was actually shot in his popped collar which was his true weak point. Let’s fast forward in time a little bit to what’s considered modem history. The first American civilization was at Roanoke, VA. The ships left for England and came back to find the colony missing. Clearly the settlement chief popped his collar. Let’s not forget why the pilgrims were actually kicked out of England. Religious persecution? NO! Popped collars were to blame! Those dastardly Quakers tried to uproot all that was good in society. I assure you, friends, the popped collar is very, very dangerous. Let’s take a look at a few more examples of popped collars throughout history. Cain popped his collar and instant rage overtook him. Consequently, he killed his brother and lied about it. Nero walked out of Rome playing his fiddle. His bow caught the comer of his collar and popped it and instant ly Rome burned to the ground. Jack the Ripper used to be a r r Lillfpi plans to face the S.S. Snedden in the waters of the REDC. “Once we sink the library, we will sail for Lake Eric." said Mentz. “Perry and Niagara would be wise to swear allegiance to us now. as our ship will be completed before theirs." Due to the overwhelming popu larity of these current trends, the administration is considering the viability of converting other buildings into ships. The Kochel building will already be recon structed into a dock for the S.S. Snedden. Bchrend's fleet would soon include the Nick and Hammermill buildings as air craft carriers to ensure air supremacy. Erie Hall as a cruiser to shoot down enemy planes, the Otto Bchrend Science building as a battleship using the twin observa tories as the main cannons, the Reed building as a fishing ship to hunt manatees for food, the Turnbull building as a troop trans port and the Studio Theatre as a dinghy. The Wilson Picnic Grove will be turned upside down and used as a barge. The Junker Center plans to become a luxury cruise ship to compete with the Smith Chapel, which will become a yacht and offer three hour tours of Behrend. Almy and Ohio Halls have opted out of the race, choosing instead to become fortresses protecting the Behrend Straight and charging a of the Caribbean was real By Anthony Cianciosi staff writer Ule buy k\ bulH, or*d po// t*\e /avir\g/ or\. to you By Rob Frank managing editor i itjvi or The nconle who count will eel it Beoco(\ Fur\dr oi/er: Ule ore /clliqg ir\clivi/ual 100/e botterie/^. Bofctseric/ or# lr\<Jivl/uolly uxoppffd or\d ripe k\C«rxc)«d Por rc/olc. Michelle Vera Surovicc/THE BEHREND An artist’s rendering of what the S.S. Snedden will look like, including maidenhead and mizzen mast be working again. When she heard the club was re-opening, she headed back to the city, but the mayor's decision to prevent residents from returning due to Hurricane Rita made it difficult. Carrubea tried pleading with the officers at the blockade, but apparently they didn't feel that her implants were ade quate flotation devices. Arrangements were made that if (( soipebne from the club would pick her up. she would be allowed to pass. Clearly the cops realized that if she wasn't allowed to get through, they would he dancing for each other at the club that night. Carrubea figures that her customers are the ones helping bring back the city she loves. If she can help them have a good time, it's the least she can do. "When Deja Vu opened its doors, the sounds of pulsating music spilling onto the gloomy streets filled with the stench of sewage and fester ing trash, there were still eager customers waiting." she said. 1 didn’t know you could feel sexy while being in a place that smelled like raw sewage and week-old garbage. I suppose it would be like taking a date to Coney Island. The strip club is a nice distraction from the conflict between the local government and FEMA. Criticisms have been heard about FEMA not being able to rise to the occa sion, but patrons of the club appear to be handling it well. dentist, but as soon as he popped his collar, people dropped left and right. Hitler was well on his way to becoming an artist, but he popped his collar at a gallery and everyone turned on him. I even heard that Tony Danza pops his collar, which is why he’s not longer the boss. Let’s look at examples of unpopped collars. Kelsey Grammer didn’t pop his collar and because of that Frasier was the longest running sitcom character. George Washington never popped his collar, and because of that, he won the Battle of the Potomac. You know who else didn’t pop his collar? Jesus. Euclid didn’t pop his collar and the result was geometry, the easiest of all math subjects. It’s clear that unpopping your collar results in unimaginable suc cess. When someone pops their collar, it affects the central nerv ous system. It causes severe convulsions like giving the peace sign randomly at parties and a nervous upward nod of the head. It also causes extreme loss of fashion awareness such as multiple sweat bands on one arm and stupid facial hair configurations. I mean let’s face it, if you pop your collar you are pretty much a terrorist. I mean not a full blown terrorist, just a lit tle bit; like your cousin twice removed on your mother’s side. Osama requested you as a Facebook friend and you’re not sure if you want to add him or not. In closing, popping your collar is just Bad News Bears *grumble* Walter Matthau *grumble*. small tax to vessels wishing to pass rumored to he researching to become students say the changes can’t come N 0 w Friday, September 30, 2005 in safety. The apartments are a fleet of submarines. Behrend soon enough, because Pirates ly cool UUUTE Oi' THE WEEK “You went to the wrong Jesus.” -Michelle Vera Suroviec Facebook.com Profile of the Week Mario and Peach One of Penn State’s most famous couples is Mario and Peach. While the two first met when Mario saved Peach from Donkey Kong, they didn’t start dating until college. Mario is studying Italian and Japanese and Peach is in Women’s Studies. Mario and Peach share many interests, including drag racing, life-sized board games and playing sports for no reason. Originally from Brooklyn, Mario got to know Peach long distance, finding time to visit the Mushroom Kingdom while still working as a plumber and sharing the rent with his brother, Luigi. The two will soon be married in a lavish state wedding paid for by King Toadstool. Mario will ride Yoshi to the wedding, but fungal sources indicate the Princess may not be in attendance due to the fact that she is in another castle. http://psu.facebook.com/profile.php7id =9332545 ht tp ://psu. facebook.com/profile ,php?id =9356801 Editor’s note: Facebook.com Profile of the Week ia t showcase of creative profiles from file websiu Facebook.com. This is not affiliated with die qre*K*s, owners or opperatora of the Site. Random ramblings: Candy By Michelle Vera Suroviec photo editor It was Easter Sunday, so I was all dolled up, like a doll, you know. And my brothers wouldn’t stop staring at me, so I jumped out of the car. I ran into the nearest house and they let me use their trampoline and color. Eventually my mom made my dad turn around and look for me. The people in the house asked if the people in the car were my family. I said “yeah.” After the car went by a few times, they suggested I go out to it. They gave me some candy and I left. My parents told me strangers were bad when I got back to the car. I looked at my candy, they were wrong. I got candy from strangers on Halloween too.
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers