I The Behrend Beacon Ravine jump successful By Jerry Pohl humor editor Years from now. people will still he recounting the ama/mg stor> of Dr. Jack Burke's historic, legendary, mythic jump o\ ei Bchrend's ra\ ine Die event was packed; despite the out door venue it was standing room only The lamp was set; Burke was tough as nails and w ith the sun gleaming off his unicycle he soared into America's heart with a stunt that left all in attendance speechless. "He went tip. and then he came hack down," said Brice Tandard 01 Astronomy. "When it was all over I heard a clap, then another, then everyone was clapping Burke was then hoisted aloft on the shoulders of those w ho had been w ith him throueh it all, and they carried him off into Behrend finds ways to save money By Jerry Pohl humor editor Bchrend's bloated run-away budget is straining the bandwidth of c-vvallets across campus. Between the gold used to pave the parking lot and the diamond dust black paint used to keep that gold in mint condi tion. Behrend is hemorrhaging money like a hemo philiac taking a diabetes test. High parking pass costs, price-gouging at Bruno's and massive bookstore monopoly profits just haven't been enough to fill the colters of Behrend's CEO. Dean. Several cost-cutting measures will soon be imple mented. Forks and spoons will be replaced by sporks at both Dobbins and Bruno's. The LEB will cut its poorly attended film series from the semestcrly budg et Even the Beacon w ill do its part by printing 75 per cent less issues, lessening the cost of recycling unread papers into paper pirate hats for administrators. There is. however, good news: Behrend could save 15 per cent or more by switching to Geico. Letters to the Editor and Jerry, control of the page is transferred invaded by freelance accountants and for a brief directly to the Ropical Corporation. Upon said period in the late nineties, became the haven for a transference, the page becomes null and void in reclusive author who, in accordance with a confi the State of Pennsylvania in accordance with dential act passed by the government of Sri the outcome of a poker game played on Lanka, cannot be named here without authoriza- Halloween in a graveyard with deck of cards tion from a man known only as Fnord. that was later found* to* have only 51 cards, one Finally, the page was created and given to an Thank you for telling me that this was a mes- of which was the red joker with the words "ace operative of a shadow government whose inis sage f rom one of the readers of the Behrend of spades" written on it with black permanent sion was to impersonate Luke Jones whose name Beacon. 1 coincidentally know several people marker despite the fact that the ace of spades was printed out by a supercomputer designed by who fit that description at Penn State Erie, the was still in the deck. rogue, dashing, bodybuilding, maverick scientists Behrend College. Further information regarding the control of to predict the future; but the page was obtained by In regards to your requisition to ascertain the page can be found at the Ropical Corporation the real Luke Jones when he dispatched the agent control/ownership of this page, hereafter main site located deep underground where it usurping him in such a complex way as to make known as the Behrend Beacon Humor Page, was meant to be buried along with memories it too pointlessly detailed to describe here, the details are as follows: The page is con- that certain well-to-do people would rather not By reading this reply you, hereafter known as trolled principally by one Jerome B Pohl 111, have resurrected. the reader, agree to watch the movie lshtar before hereafter known as Jerry. In regards to the ownership of this page, the the next full moon. When Jerry is unable to fulfill his duties of story begins in what is today Latvia, shortly -Jerry control upon aforementioned page, said duties after the first world war where an ancient relic {() The HlllllOr P<i2C‘ are the responsibility of Luke Jones, a plucky of unknown origin was traded for crucial infor- © ’ little guy from the streets of Guatemala who mation that in a roundabout way would eventu- Write for The Humor Page; came here with not too much in his pocket, just ally lead to the founding of a tax shelter in a dream in his head and a song in his heart. international waters off the coast of the small _ KSGIH^GI^CI In the event of the deaths of both Luke Jones African nation of Eritrea which was eventually jbp 153 @pSU.edU Letter from en Editor i after one day of classes ■■ VI VI I II III dll Hi vl 11l I I By Kristen Michele Trott was like, ‘no dude.’” contributing writer When Taylor was asked whether the professor’s name was Dormet or Durement, Taylor responded with, “I don’t know; the dude’s crazy.” With three minutes remaining in the class, Dr. Durement went a step too far when he assigned the class homework. Quickly after class ended, hopelessly lost students Kate Morris, journalism 03 and Kim Evans, meteorology 03, banded students together for a protest. “He’s expecting us to have sections one and two read and all the even questions done for the next class,” said Morris. “Only answers to the odd questions are in the back!” Other complaints from students included unfocused lecture, hot temper towards slower learners, and bad breath. With Evans as progect leader, the students came to a unanimous deci sion to stop coming to class until their demands were met. They called for a better way to start the class, quick review of important material from last semester and gum. When asked what would have been the best way to kick off the new semes ter, Joey Martin, 07 Managment Information Systems, said he could have started with an easy crossword puzzle. Tony Bauer, 05 Mechanical Engineering, suggested a witty joke. Dr. Durement said he would take the suggestions into consideration for next semester but still expects all students to return with their assignments done for This is an e-mail message from one of the readers of Behrend Beacon, to ascertain the control/ownership of the Humor Page of the Behrend Beacon. A reply from said controller would be appreciated. Reader Dear Penn Slate Erie Ah you may or may not know. I transferred to Penn State, or Main Campus, and I would like to share my experiences with you. I arrived at the Real Penn State at around 2 p.m. last Thursday. I was looking for a place to park when an older man in a tuxedo flagged me down and said, "Mr. Snedden. your quarters are ready: the valet will take care of your cm from here." “What about my luggage?” 1 asked. “The porters shall deliver it to your bedchambers with all haste!” said the man. “Allow me to introduce myself, Mr. Snedden. I’m Yardsdalc, I’ll be serving you for the academic year.” I was befuddled! Apparently, the campus that the world knows as Penn State assigns butlers to each students. Yardsdalc and I started down the path to my room when I noticed a large building complex off to the right. I asked what it was and Yardsdale told me that it was “Little Broadway,” the buildings used for Penn State’s theater club. He informed me that Michael Crawford was performing his famous role in The Phantom of the Opera that evening, and the next evening Matthew Broderick and Nathan Lane were star ring in The Producers. I was befuddled! It seems that the Speaker Series was poorly attended at the Penn State campus that holds the office of the President of the University Disclaimer: The content of this page is for tions. Any resemblance to the sunset At the top of his game, the ehancellor will now retire and eonccntratc on his job leading the campus. Thereby putting Behrend's CEO, Dean, out of work. Dean will now be comfortably and gently placed in the newly created position of Science Department Representative. "They'll be sorry. They think they can hide me in a basement? Well, I’ll show them." Dean said, adding. “I’ll show them all!” Dean seemed quite happy with his new basement office, maniacal even. His new position will give him an autonomous, almost secretive control over all of Behrend's most experimental scientific research. His new office hours, during times the school is usually closed, will give him plenty of time to not be watched. Facebook.com Profile of the Week Trent Reznor Many people don’t know that Trent Reznor is actually a Penn State alumnus. He came to Penn State in 1983 and grad uated 4 years later with his Architectual Engineering degree. The man who is Nine Inch Nails is currently dating Katie Gerl. http ://psu .facebook.com/pro file.php?id=9337249 Quote of the week That’s considered pornography in third) world countries. j -Vera and so it was replaced with the Broadway Series. Furthermore, the administration, realizing its folly in putting on a program that obviously no students would attend, paid for the Broadway Series out of its own pocket. I was befuddled! Administrators admitting their folly! I asked Yardsdale about these “honest administrators,” and he said, “At the Penn State campus that has stood for over 150 years, the administrators stop by the newspaper office with a copy of their budgets, they review them with the students, listen to their comments and suggestions and implement them quickly and efficient ly.” As this was beginning to sink in I noticed that the pathway I walked on was marble. Yardsdale explained that the University’s hundreds of thousands of wealthy benefactors pay for those luxuries. I was befuddled! At the Penn State campus that is so large it is considered its own town (I think the town that Penn State is considered is called University Park,) alumni, not Student Activities Fund money, pays for both buildings and administrator’s new cars and swimming pools. We arrived at my room and I was awestruck. The room was the size of McGarvey Commons; all of the furniture was mahogany and the fixtures were gilded in platinum. My “bed” was a zero gravity environ ment, providing complete ergonomic correctness! I was befuddled! The Penn State that TUMOR r r Chancellor Jack Burke attempts to make a successful jump as adoring spectators look on from ravine hillside “Firsts” in the Lives of Penn -whoa fesgr \y//s Y yop<2*' ®»- Page Sieze the Day, Cuddle with the Night offers degrees aside from engineering has comfortable living quarters. I was beginning to get hungry and decided to look for a cafeteria. Yardsdale told me that the cafeteria was actually connect ed to my building in a structure called a “commons.” These commons include stores and cafeterias that are open dur ing times convenient for students and a proportional male-female ratio. The store was supplied with amenities such as bread - a veritable luxury item at Behrend. I asked Yardsdale how often the bush pilots and dog sled teams dropped supplies in the winter to keep the store stocked. He said that there is a town right next to the campus and, in the off chance that a campus store did not have what I was looking for, I could simply walk across campus and into town. I was befuddled! The campus border ing a town (that’s two now) named for it actually has culture and civilization. This is all I have the time to write as Yardsdale and I are heading off to pur chase books. Apparently the books sold at this bookstore are 45% cheaper than the half.com price. Onward! Dan Snedden, Former Assistant News/Humor Page Editor, Behrend Beacon P.S. I have found Yardsdale is included in the price of tuition, which is inexpli cably the same price as the tuition at Behrend. Befuddling! ml will eel il {* ' FIRST DAV OF HISH SCHOOL . , -wkf? Y? FIRST STEPS Unfortunately, this scenario did not hold true for everyone. After spending approximately 53 minutes in Dr. Durement's Math 111 class, students were reported saying they would “never do that again." When class began at 10 a.m. there was no warning of what was about to come. Students were subjected to the typical beginning of class rituals: a brief introduction, role call and vague biography of the professor's life. Then, according to student Bill Taylor 03 Communications, Dr. Durement started to “totally flip out.” “Dr. Durement went totally crazy talking about partial differentiation and polynomial approximations and stuff like that,” said Taylor. “Then Dormet said that he figured everyone remem bered integral calculus from last semes ter so he didn’t need to review it and I All information is a prodn irely coincidental and uni: V * J?v ■<* 1 / Tuesday. August 30 proved to be the first official day of classes for returning and new Behrend students. Anxious undergrads with gently used books, fresh notebooks, and keen smiles woke, anticipating the new school year. Watching the clock as their summers quickly came to a close, students checked their schedules one last time before eagerly starting the journey to their first class. Many students were greeted by old friends and new profes sors as they made their way through the first day of another Penn State semes ter. Friday, September 2, 2005 FIRST TIME SUCCESSFULLY COMPILING Ctt CODE FROM A VB.NET SOURCE Zack Mentz/cartoonist Filler of the Week For the second year in a row, the first Wednesday of classes was rainy and a horrible day for parking. All lots were full, except for the furthest reaches of the Hammermill lot. This wasn’t a problem for engineers, but it necessitated a long, burdensome walk for those com muters w ho take one of the wide variety of classes offered to the cavalcade students in one of the plethora of liberal tuts majors available at Behrend. Random Ramblings Teachers By Michelle Vera Suroviec copy editor I h;id this French teacher and he would put bugs on the overhead projector and draw cars and houses and put the bugs in there to teach us those words in French. Fie had to smoosh them down so they didn't fly away. He had a canary once, but it flew through a fan. His cat snuck into the dishwasher once. too. He's not very good with pets, so it's a good thing he has so many children. He constantly would take us on tours of the school. The principle didn't like it w hen he took the students to the roof and then made them climb back into the classroom through the window. I had this other teacher for government class. We had to form an interest group for a project. Our group wanted to legalize public urination. We had the best signs. We plas tered them all over the classroom. The school didn't renew the teacher’s contract. students “on strike” next class, By Jerry Pohl humor editor
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers