The Behrend Beacon I 6 The Empire strikes back in an orgy of nerdiness For eight weeks an uneasy peace existed between the Behrend Star Trek Club and the Behrend Garners Club. Thursday afternoon that peace was broken by heavy blaster fire when Darth Tickles, Emperor of the Behrend Star Wars Society, ordered his club officers to slaughter the Trekkies in response to their Feburary 10 attacks upon the Garners Club. Health and Wellness reported thirty-seven combatants dead and as many as two hundreded wounded. The assault began shortly after the 3 p.m. start time of the weekly Trekkie meeting on the Reed Balcony and quickly esca lated as the balcony, which has been occupied by the Trekkies since late February, had been heavily fortified with starship class phasers and shield generators. "When they came over the hill , I said that it was just like in the 'good Star Wars' and not like in the crappy new ones," said Annie Sevin, COMM 16, a student who witnessed the onset of the attack. Sevin continued, indicating that "As soon as I said the new Star Wars were crappy, this Amendola kid appeared and started yelling at me about how they're not bad movies, they're just different. And then one of the long legged things stepped on him." Aaron Amendola, BSKTWVNG 74, another student present during the initial assault, was one of many who were merciless ly trampled by the AT-AT's (All Terrain Assault Transports) which were purchased for the Star Wars Club by SAF at a cost of $9.7 million dollars each. Darth Tickles was reportedly required to sign a waiver indicating that the AT-ATs would be Nintendo still on the cutting edge By Aaron Amendola contributing writer Garners this week will be out in droves picking up Sony's beloved new handheld, the PSP, but the true garners will be rum maging through the bargain bin. Why put down $250 for a souped-up gameboy when the thrift store has plenty of titles that will satisfy the most hardcore garners? It was recently discovered that a local Walgreen's charges no less than $12.95 on a real win ner: "Mario Bros" and "Duck Hunt." The true value that can only be expected from Walgreen's is evident in the quality of this game. Not only is it two games in one, but the way Nintendo is making their games now is nothing short of revolution ary. Nintendo seems to be trying to win over the older gamers by "taking them back to their roots" so to say. The 8-bit flavor they've ingested into this title is second to none. The rust game, which follows a plucky young plumber by the name of Mario on his search for the princess, features classic blocky graphics and a color-scheme that would make 16-color box of crayolas cry. "Super Mario Bros." has 36 breathtaking colors. The controller (which can be purchased By Cubby Scoops world class journalist separately through a pawn shop) was limit ing due to its two-button structure, howev er it simplified the play mechanics down to a science. Using a simple-yet-effective "run n' jump" method, the first levels can be conquered in a matter of hours. This game could go on for five, maybe six worlds and before a final boss battle indicating the end of the game. Nintendo never fails to support the co-op play also. In a stroke of genius, they include a second player function where the player and a friend take turns with Mario (and a slimmer, more earth-toned clothed brother Luigi) on a quest to find the princess. Luckily, Nintendo still had much in store for this game cartirdge. It not only housed Super Mario Bros., also contained the game "Duck Hunt." Though it resembles a rip-off of the famous "Cabello Deer Hunter" series, something about this title seems timeless, albeit tacked on. Oddly enough, the light-gun (required to play the game) at the same pawn shop that the controller for Mario can be found. It's the best $1.99 a gamer can spend. Sadly, "Duck Hunt" evolves to become nothing but a poor imitation of Cabello's best efforts. While there is a secondary play mode where designed for shooting clay .1 r used only for "non-lethal reenactment of fictitious motion pic ture events" and specifically not to "attack the Star Trek Club." SAF did not return phone calls inquiring on the topic. The Trekkies defenses were penetrated less than ninety min utes into the attack when an imperial strike force destroyed the Balcony shield generator, which had been erected in one of the tennis courts. Following this strategic victory, Tickles was heard to have exclaimed, "Those snot nosed punks should have learned from Endor!" in reference to the climatic battle in which the Galactic Empire was defeated following the elimination of one of its own shield generators. Having exhausted the tactical options of artillery, the Star Wars Club members engaged the Star Trek Club members in a ground battle with the intent of eliminating all the Trekkies to ensure complete retribution for the attacks of February. Once battle lines had been secured, Darth Tickles dismounted the lead AT-AT and advanced upon the Reed building with the intent of engaging the leader of the Trekkies, Thaddeus Thund o-Zoid. Ground troops on either side of the conflict parted to accommodate the inevitable blows between the great club leaders. So anticipated was the conflict that it was in fact bet ter attended than the "New Found Glory" concert which was held on campus the previous Thursday. "They both looked really serious, I mean, I think they were really going to go at it," remarked Roberto Franko, BSKTWV ING 14, of Tickles and Thund-o-zoid, "Until the Garners showed up." All three surviving members of the Behrend Garners Club, which has experienced recrr - ' ment difficultly following their near extermi tion, joined in the fray alongside their Star NV; brethren in arms to realize the "Fellowship the Willing" they have so desperately worker realize. "I mean sure, the Star Wars Guy and the S Trek Guy (Tickles and Thund-o-zoid) knocl each other a couple times, but it was like soi thing snapped in both of them when the D, Z 11 11111 iii :a w al.° 3 9 w CC 1 W 0 lig 1' cn dorks burst onto the scene with their cardbo. swords and twenty sided dice" contint Franko. For reasons yet unknown, Thund-o-zoid Tickles ceased their altercation and turned u] the remaining gamers, slaughtering them ii JUNIOR niffMnfMMflllNetr pigeons, but they do not satisfy one's appetite for death quite like ducky-killing does. Regardless of its poor play modes, a game with production values like this has some redeeming qualities. Mario is a good video game character but I doubt there's any room for him to stretch his legs outside of "Super Mario Bros." "Duck Hunt" looks like it is in even worse shape. The only identifiable figure in the game comes in the form of a malicious dog that mocks your every shot. There is no good strategy for how to slay that beast yet, regardless of how many times one tries to shoot him, he never dies. If Nintendo really wants to become a more permanent player in the field of video games, maybe they could take a hint from a little company called Sega; they know a thing or two about sus taining a video game console. Though it has many faults surrounding it, when it comes down to it, "Super Mario Bros./Duck Hunt" is a must-own at the low price of only $12.95. Now I know you're probably all thinking "What if I have the same trouble you had trying to buy the con trollers for it?" I'm telling you, I can give you the address of my pawn shop. They had LOADS of those things. What other info do you need? Get to your Walgreen's now! merciless shower of blood and entrails When reached for comment, Professor Emeritus of Nerd Studies Lucas Roddenberry indicated that "science fiction nerds inevitably turn on fantasy nerds; it gives them a feeling of superiority, no matter how miniscule, a feeling they never quite capture in what you and I might call 'real life.' As the last gamer feel limp to the Reed parking lot it looked as if the day had clearly prevailed in favor of the science fic tion nerds, that was until the Behrend Borg Collective arrived on scene. Thund-o-zoid, assumedly under the impression that these fellow Star Trek fans had shown up to turn the tide in favor of their mutually preferred fantasy universe, reinitiated his attack upon Darth Tickles. Thund-o-zoid's assumption was fiercely reversed when the Behrend Borg Collective rained dis ruptor fire upon both encampments and proceeded to assimilate Thund-o-zoid and Tickles. When informed of these events Professor Emeritus Lucas Rodenberry remarked "Clearly the only way to win the game of inter-fantasy universe dominance is not to play." As of Friday morning, the Behrend Borg Collective has seized all the technological as well as biological assets of both the Behrend Star Trek Club and the Behrend Star Wars Club. The assimilated Thund-o-zoid and Darth Tickles have been awarded recruitment officer positions in the Behrend Borg Collective. When pressed for comment Darth Tickles respond ed only in an eerie monotone voice with invitations to the upcoming Club rush and indications that "resistance" to their fundrasiers and intramutral activities would be "futile." Friday, April 8, 2005
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