6 I The Behrend Beacon Puppies to be cut from state budget by Adam Zewe York correspondant The Pennsylvania economy k in deep trouble. According to the Bureau of Imaginary Statistics, if the state doesn't find a way to come up with $lOO billion soon, they're going to have to cut happi ness, rainbows, and puppy dogs from the budget. However, our brilliant state senators are on top of the situation. There is some kind of gambling bill bouncing around the state senate chambers like Fabrizio after a few fingers of bourbon. The bill, which has a bunch of details I didn't bother to research, will make some sort of gambling legal in the state. This will, "revitalize our inbred economy," as one senator said before spitting into a Coke bottle. I, personally, think that bringing gam bling to our state is a fantastic idea. Anyone who has ever seen Guys and Dolls knows how great gambling is, or at least how whiny Marlon Brando can be. The bright lights and loud noises of a casino are representative of the majestic progress of mankind. Unless you're prone to seizures. Think about all that gambling will do for the state. The money poor, ignorant losers toss on the craps tables against ludicrous odds will all come back to help those poor, ignorant losers when they line up outside the welfare office. The state can use the money from gambling to build rehabilitation centers for gam bling addicts, prisons, more police sta tions, or even dig a moat around the state senate building to keep the protestors at bay. Plus, all the Pennsylvania State Senators could get new Lexus's with which to speed away from retribution. The possibilities are endless. I know many of you are still skeptical of how beneficial gambling can be. To those of you I say, "Go to hell." But, Personal Ads SM seeks F Longtime widower looking for a caring man. I've lived alone for many years, unless you count my cats: Fluffy, Dan, Boots, Brad, Muffy, Dannie, Socks, Aimee, Tuffy, Chris, Cuddles, Jerry, Buffy, Doggy, Chopper 4, Stinky and Randy. Cat person preferred. If my cats don't like you, there will be no second date. Meow. Al Queda suspected of Macintosh involvement by Jerry Pohl contributing writer There's a problem in America. Certain people think they are better than America and think they can do things any way they want. Well this is America and we have plenty of freedom, but cer tain things are done a certain way here and that's the way it is. Some other countries have more than one lan guage or multiple political parties; or maybe they drive on the wrong side of the road or worship the wrong god; but here in America we do things a certain way and it's better. This is America and when you're here, you speak English, you celebrate Christmas and you use Windows. There are certain non-conformists, even here at Behrend, using Macintosh comput ers. Someone needs to tell these people that this is America and that's not how we do things here. They say it's just a different operating system; that they can do anything my American PC can since they can't print that in a newspaper, I \VIII use the example of Atlantic City to clnVince Vlni further. . t have never actually been to ( •Ity, hut I think I saw a picture of it once on a postcard. Actually, it might have been Pittsburgh. Anyway, one day. a bolt of wayward lightning struck an oozing puddle of noxious swamp gas, causing a bubbling chemical reaction. Out of this cesspool rose a fig ure with a terrible haircut who would go on only to be known as "The Donald." "The Donald" brought casinos to Atlantic City, which transformed the city into a beautiful place. From the ritzy, high-rise towers to the nuclear winter like slums that surround them, the place oozes beauty like an open sore. The few derelict citizens who can muster up the effort to come out of their foxholes and rob you are actually very friendly peo ple. Atlantic City brings in about 23 tourists a year, and over half of them come back alive! Think of all the money those tourists burn gambling in the casinos or in the emergency room getting treated for gunshot wounds or massive head trauma. Atlantic City's cheerful slogan says it all. "Come to Atlantic City: We promise your corpse won't be sodom ized." Wouldn't you love to see Erie have that kind of happening nightlife and tourist money flowing in? So, the point of all of these irresponsi ble lies is to convince you, the reader, that gambling is healthy and will solve all our economic problems. By legaliz ing it, we will be taking the first steps down the glittery path that made places like East St. Louis and Dover the Mecca's they are today. Despite the crime, the drugs, the debauchery, and the moral butt-raping that come with gam bling, the monetary gains trump all of that. Vote yes on gambling. Now pass the Coke bottle, please. ... ,J;l§,-.:, Male seem ` g.':,:...:....'.';..04141,c SM seeking F I am a 1337 CS major. CS as in computer science, not counter strike, though I do pwn at that. We can hang out in my basement and play video games. I'm looking for an 802.11 compatible girl that knows hexadecimal. I can defrag your system all night long. 1 - 1 UM OR do. Well I'd like to see them right-click PCs that run windows are made here in America, by Americans. Macs are made some where else, by foreigners, who probably speak some other language too. Wherever Apple computers are from must be worse than even Canada. Their flag is an apple, with a bite out of it! Who would put a used apple on their flag? Communists, that's who! Any country like that is ripe for liberation. This problem is more prevalent than you may realize. Why even the Behrend Beacon itself is made using un-American "Macintrash" comput- Now we all know someone who uses a Mac. Let me stress, violence is not the answer. However, it is up to you to save your friend and show him the way. He may resist at first, but eventually he'll realize that a user-friendly com puter is better. Finally, to those of you who are closet Mac users yourself, I remind you: if you use a Mac, you're kind of a terrorist. (ount ilLg.et it The )Iwk.lhL HVIZDAK'S PHOTO OF THE WEEK Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendall prepares to cut puppies from the state budget SM seeking F Looking for a girl who likes to dress as Princess Leia. Captain Jane Way type per sonality. Needs to be free on Friday nights for Dr. Who fan club. Anyone who liked any of the X Files after season 6 need not apply. My mom can drive us to the movies some time. Female seenris SF seeking M I am a vivacious 18-year-old girl looking for an older man with the ability to provide me with what I need. I like shop ping, boating and big houses. I know CPR if you have a heart condition. I promise to fulfill all your wildest, most acrobatic and exhausting fan tasies. SF seeking M I am looking for the type of guy who doesn't get jealous. A man who works and is not at home much preferred. He needs to be comfortable with the fact that I have male friends. Needs to understand that I am an affectionate person with my friends, but connect with my lover on a more emotional level and don't have to be as affec tionate. Friday, March 4, 2005 CHRIS HVIZDAK/BEHREND BEACON SF seeks M Must be six-feet tall with blonde curly hair and blue eyes, medium build. Must drive red extended cab truck and wear brown Sketchers. Also must be very conscious of appearance of both himself and me. Must drink grapefruit flavored water religiously. Mother must originate from St. Olaf, Mo. Father must be an encyclopedia salesman. Knowledge of no less than 50 ways to prepare herring, including holiday specialties. Name must begin with a Q. Do not reply unless you have your gold star from your first spelling test in your position. Do not reply on days that end in Y, or in any month on the solar calendar.
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers