Page 6
The Behrend Beacon
Kirk Cameron
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16) Mrs. Doubtfire
9,
4b 5 ‘
6.) Eric Roberts
11.) An Eco Mug
3 ) Kalo Kaeiin
14 ) Ace and Gary
7.) Paul Hogan
nfj 10) Artman • Pirates Game
2 ) Apple Dumpling Gang
15.) Joel Goddard
Dennis Haskins: We all know him as Mr.
Belding. We remember him also getting
fooled by Zack Morris however his patented
move, Detention, always sent Zack Morris
to his doom. Odds: 1:32.
“Mad Dog” Tannen”: Fastest gun in Hill
Valley in 1885, but that means he's 118 years
old now. Does he have enough to last the
tourney? Odds: 1:36.
Michael “Clucker”
McCluskey: Badder
than Old King Kong
and meaner than a
Junkyard Dog. Wait,
that’s Leroy Brown.
But you better watch
out for Mike
McCluskey too; he’s ranked #4 seed in the
Bayside High Division. Odds: 1:20
The Olsen Twins: These doll-faces are hot;
but can they fight? The "Cradle Rob
Piledriver" was heard across the nation and
their #4 seed ain’t bad either. 1 also want to
make out with them. Odds: 1:16.
Kenny Loggins: His move “Footloose” was
a world dominating move in 1984 but with
him being so old, yet rock so hard, he isn’t
favored to high on the battle. Odds: 1:60.
The Bearenstein Bears: They are only car
■ toons but they
come in large
numbers how
ever they seem
preoccupied
with helping
people; which
is the perfect
cover for their
dastardly
plans. Odds:
1:24.
Berenstein Bears
Don Knotts: I don’t have much to say about
this character. He’s been on Scooby-Doo a
few time and hung out with Matlock, so he’s
got something going for him. However he
will never have sex; which is a shame. Odds:
1:44.
The Pacific Ocean: This son of a bitch is
large; I'm not gonna lie to you. Hut he’s been
around since the beginning of time. But any
one strong enough to shift California from
the U.S. gotta be a little bit favored. Odds:
1:12.
Jon Benet Ramsey: She's faced the tabliods.
So what can stop
her? We’ll have
to see. Odds:
1:40.
in "Bedknobs
and Broomsticks” but will that be enough to
win the tourney? Let’s all pray. Odds: 1:8
Mrs. Doubtfire: It's an old lady? It’s a man?
With tricks like this, Mrs. Doubtfire is prac
tically a lock; or is she? Err...he. Well, re
gardless, they’re probably a ton of tricks up
his skirt. Patented move? "Drive by fruit
ing!” Odds: 1:64.
Kevin Bacon: He was awesome in “Stir of
Echoes”, “Tremors", “Diner”, “Sleepers”,
“Hollow Man”, and let’s not forget “Foot
loose” but does he have enough to get past
McGyver first
round? Odds: 1:36.
Alternate 1985:
This isn't a person,
place or thing; it’s S'
a time. The ques- JB? r V
tion is: Is it time Jp
for Alternate 1985 ill
to win the touma- A l ter Xe 1985
merit? Many say “yes", more say “no". Odds
1:48.
The Wayans Bros.: They aren’t funny, they
aren’t attractive
and they for hell’s
sake can’t act but
we threw them in
the tournament
anyway. They
were an awesome
duo in "Mo’
Money" however.
Psyche! Odds:
1:52.
“Mad Dog”
Eco Mug: These
things totally suck! Odds: 1:44.
Kato Kaelin: Heartbreaker by day. stud by
SMMnight, womanizer after
This prime piece
beef charmed us all at
O.J. Simpson trial
now he’s back with
move “Set the Juice
Tannen
His hair
Kato Kaelin awesome; and when I
say awesome, 1 mean totally sweet.
Apple Dumpling Gang: Notorious for Apple
Dumpling Stealing and... Bah! Let’s not kid
ourselves. No one has seen this movie and
no one
ever will
cuz it
sucks.
But I
still love
them; in
a strictly
plutonic
way.
Odds: 1:8
Barry Bostwick: He was bomb in “Rocky
Horror Picture Show” and he totally sucks
on “Spin City”. What does that equal? The
hell if 1 know. Odds: 1:64.
Tom Selleck: This guy’s mustache rivals the
‘stach of Carl Weathers (Apollo Creed) but
it’s a rad ‘stach enough to win the tourney ?
I’d say so. Odds: 1:20.
Apollo Creed: He was awesome in Rocky I
and 111 but totally sucked in Rocky II and he
was a huge disappointment in “Happy
Gilmore" but hopefully this jackass makes it
to at least the final four.
Paul Rieser: He’s “Mad About You" and he
was awesome as Modell in “Diner” but he’s
no Fenwick. However, he’s charmed all of
us at least once. He’s the sorta guy you wanna
find at a huge dive bar and ask him what hap
pened to his career. Might I suggest Ma’s
Place or the Alibi Bar; both rock equally.
Odds: 1:28.
Angela
Lansbury:
She’s so nice and
Mt. Vesuvius: Armageddon? Apocalypse?
The Plague? None can hold a candle to this
terror of a landmark. But it’s been dormant
since Nov. 6, 1955. Will it wake up by the
tournament? Odds:
1:8.
she was way hot
breakfast. Odds: 1:64.
The Jolly Roger: It terrorized the seven seas
and held more barley than any vessel in the
Caribbean. Old Blackhead himself would
shed a tear if this dirty bastard didn’t win the
tournament. Patented move? "Swab the
Poop Deck.” Odds: 1:20.
“Sweet” Lou Whitaker: He towers about
Ps\ rWfMORfJI
WL^m Feb 7th, 2003 ZZmm
STAR
A. trt I battle
Apple Dumpling Gang
Bruce Coville: He
wrote crap for books
and his wife is hot,
but the question is;
What will he do to
win? If he loses he
can write more sto
ries about how teach
ers eat brains for
Friday ;
Famous Canadians Month
Champion
Rules:
1.) Fill Out the Bracket
2.) Don’t Cheat
Hand it to Michael Butala, Ross
Lockwood, Ben Titus, Ben Foote,
or drop it off at the Beacon Office
before February 21st, 2003.
4.) The top five scores win prizes.
The Players
his brother Forrest Whitaker who was an ac
tor in “Bloodsport” but “Sweet” Lou packs
enough punch for both of them. All-Star on
the Tigers from ‘8.V87 can his move “The
Double Play” take him to the finals? Odds:
1: 52".
War of 1812: We won this. Odds: 1:44.
Moses: Part the Red Sea and read the 10
Commandments. I don't know about you but
that's damn impressive. But the other com
batants did their share of notorious deeds.
Does Moses have what it takes? Odds: 1:12.
Elian Gonzalez’s Mom: It’s kinda like
Gonzaga who turned some heads a few years
ago but
they suck
now. But
this isn’t
Gonzaga.
this is
Elian
Gonzalez’s
Mom
who is
mad hot
so I hear. She's that Cuban refugee's mom,
or something. Mad Hot! Odds: 1:52.
The Rat King: Remember this piece of crap?
He was so bad ass in the earlier Ninja Turtles
episodes and then he became their friend?
What the hell is up with that? It might con
clude to an early
elimination of the
tournament. Odds:
1:28.
Steve Buscemi: Ugli
est Mug next to Elijah
Wood I ever seen, but
he’s kinda cute in a
really sick disgusting
way. He was fairly
badass in “Reservoir Dogs” but wasn’t in “All
Dogs go to Heaven,” which is unfortunate.
Odds: 1:40.
Lightning With Cap: C’mon dumbass. He
is what it says. Odds: 1:8.
Chicken Little: Cute and adorable yet de
structive and nuts. 1
"The sky is falling?”
1 don’t think so tough i
guy. Oh. You wanna J
piece of me? You got A'
it! Odds: 1:60.
Beer: An obvious fa
vorite. Not only does
this magical friend of
ours start fights, it also
wins more fights than
Teen Wolf on speed. Odds: 1:4
Kirk Cameron: The once badass turned
Jesus freak made the tourney, but can Jesus
save him now? Keep in mind he’s not tagged
with Alan Thicke to the results may be wild.
Odds: 1:64.
Slash: The Guns N Roses of the 90’s needed
this vital key in their band however, Slash’s
Snake Pit needed a little bit more. Needless
to say he’s had a ton of women and a ton of
booze, but is that enough? Odds: 1:56.
Brandon Call: was the pretty boy chosen to
play JT Lambert in the
hit
“Step by Step.” He has
not appeared in any
thing since 1991 but
gained much
populatirty when he
played the role of Mitch
Buchannon's son Hobie
Buchannon in the hit Brandon Call
TV show “Baywatch.” Brandon was also
casted to play Kevin Arnold on the unforget
table television show “Wonder Years.” An
interesting side note on Brandon is that he
ruary
With Cap
say... he is hilari-
Conan O’Brien ous. Huh, i guess i
said something.
Anyways Conan graduated from Harvard and
has written for such television shows as “The
Simpsons” and
"Saturday Night
Live.” Conan has
stated that wrote for
the Simpsons when
Homer drank a lot.
Artman: This is a
picture of my (Ben
Titus) friend
Artman. This pic
ture was provided
by the Pittsburgh
Post Gazette, what Pirates Game
can I say about this night, perhaps the high
light of my summer? We started tailgating
early in the afternoon and it carried over to
fake ids in the ball game. The night ended
with Rob Felix hav
ing to show us where
the Allegheny
County Prison was to
bail him out. Oh
yeah, he got in a fight
while in jail.
Antonio Fargas: It's
Huggyßear from
Starksy & Hutch!
Plus his son is a run
ning back for USC and how pimp is this,
Antonio was in Shaft and Foxie Brown.
Ralph Wiggum: He’s a stupid little brat that
likes to pick his nose.
What’s not to like?
Odds: 1:48.
Parrot Playing Gui
tar: This guy is pretty
cut and dry. He can
wail and bomb atomi
cally but can he beat the living crap outta ev
eryone? Odds: 1:28.
Gilbert Godfry: The
epitome of annoying
(much like the humor
page). Stupid, retarded
and pointless (like the
humor page). No won
der his odds are 1:4.
Brian Dennehey: First
came “Jake and the Fatman,” then “Debbie
Does Dallas” and finally.. .Peanut Brittle. It’s
amazing he overcame such odds but can he
overcome the odds of 1:60?
Richard Dean Anderson: You know him as
McGyver and your mom knows him as
“sexy”. Anyone who can turn a lamppost,
table salt and a pelican into a bomb has my
vote. Odds: 1:32.
Rollie Fingers: Best Brewers pitcher since
“Sweet Music” Viola, or something like that.
And if you hate baseball you have to appre
ciate the mustache. Odds: 1:20.
Eric Roberts: Best B-actor since Charles
Nelson Riley and brother to the pom star Julia
Roberts (or at least should be). Odds: 1:32.
Urkel: This is not “Stefan,” this is Steve
Urkel. Stefan’s suaveness may have gotten
him into the final four but does Urkel have
what it takes? Odds: 1:16.
Ace and Gary: So they’re gay in an ambigu
ous way? That doesn’t mean they can’t use
their gay super powers to conquer other forms
of Clip Art along with evil villains. Odds:
was that he was
shot in both arms
during a robbery at
tempt September
1996 but survived.
Conan O’ Brien:
Paul Hogan: Crocodile Dundee by day,
sexual predator by night. This stud used to
bounce quarters off his own ass. This guy
can charm the panties off women young and
old, usually young. Odds: 1:28.
What can you
Soda Popinski: Oh man,
this guy is tough. He’s got
that crazy upper cut that’s
so fast you never see it com
ing and if you haven’t got
ten that far in Mike Tyson’s
Punch Out, picture Piston
Honda II on heroin. Odds:
Popinski p ar | e y dressed like
a girl: It’s Farley dressed like a girl. What
did you expect? Odds: 1:32.
Tiffany Amber Thiessen: She was hot as
hell in M.A.S.H. and even hotter at Bayside
High. Arch-nemesis: Mr, Belding and Pro
fessor Laskey, Odds: 1:36.
McCauley Caulkin: This brat needs to be
shut up. He was awesome in the Good Son
cuz he gave that no talent ass clown Elijah
Wood what he had com
ing to him. Odds: 1:48.
Nick Nolte: This dirty
bastard is awesome!
First of all “I Love
Trouble" boxed at least
five grand in the theatres
and he did a ton of coke
and got arrested. Odds
1:44
Cooter Davenport: He’s jus' one of dem
good ol’ boys from
Dukes of Hazard but
he better put up his
dukes to win the tour
nament. Odds: 1:12.
Captain America: I
wish it was captain
planet of Mate’, that stupid Brazilian with
the monkey. Odds: 1:56.
Steve Martin: Whether he’s a jerk or
Roxanne, you can’t argue that “Leap of faith’’
is the best movie ever. Rent it. I guarantee
you’ll love it; if you love the taste of dog
feces in your mouth that is. Odds: 1:40.
M.C. Hammer: March is the month of
Hammertime and the month to drink a ton of
beer. Whether it’s an English ton or a Metric
ton, I’ll be damn close and so will Hammer.
Can’t touch this. Odds: 1:60.
Parrot Playing
Guitar
Norm McDonald: He’s reputation speaks for
itself. Odds: 1:4.
Gil from the Simpsons: Huge extra in the
show. Ya know the guy that fills in a spot
when all the good characters are taken. Poor
little guy. Make him feel
better and at least take
him to the final four.
Odds: 1:24.
Styx: They wail; enough
said! Odds: 1:32.
“Mad Dawg” from
Contra: This son-of-a
bitch was tough. Al
though when you choose
up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B,
A, select, and start he’s practically elemen
tary to defeat but Clip Art don’t use codes.
Odds: 1:36.
Patrick Duffy: Best Actor ever and pulls
some serious “a.” But Suzanne Somers has
a rope tied around his manhood to keep him
in check. Will that affect his
performance...in bed? Odds: 1:16.
Michael Butala,
Humor Page Editor
behrco!ls @ aol.com
16.) Barry Bostwick
3.) Moses
14.') Elian Gonzales's muhi CTQ
/.) Kat King from tmni — |_J
Joel Goddard: This dude
is on Conan. That's about
all I can say. He's old too.
Odds: 1:60.
»>' Q
3
C/3
Nick Nolte
g
from Contra