Page 6 The Behrend Beacon Kirk Cameron W)* •T—l 15.) Kenny Lungins I T 3 n Tho Paritir. flraan . • C/5 1A) Slush | ) Pflirnt Plflyinp finiL-u 16) Mrs. Doubtfire 9, 4b 5 ‘ 6.) Eric Roberts 11.) An Eco Mug 3 ) Kalo Kaeiin 14 ) Ace and Gary 7.) Paul Hogan nfj 10) Artman • Pirates Game 2 ) Apple Dumpling Gang 15.) Joel Goddard Dennis Haskins: We all know him as Mr. Belding. We remember him also getting fooled by Zack Morris however his patented move, Detention, always sent Zack Morris to his doom. Odds: 1:32. “Mad Dog” Tannen”: Fastest gun in Hill Valley in 1885, but that means he's 118 years old now. Does he have enough to last the tourney? Odds: 1:36. Michael “Clucker” McCluskey: Badder than Old King Kong and meaner than a Junkyard Dog. Wait, that’s Leroy Brown. But you better watch out for Mike McCluskey too; he’s ranked #4 seed in the Bayside High Division. Odds: 1:20 The Olsen Twins: These doll-faces are hot; but can they fight? The "Cradle Rob Piledriver" was heard across the nation and their #4 seed ain’t bad either. 1 also want to make out with them. Odds: 1:16. Kenny Loggins: His move “Footloose” was a world dominating move in 1984 but with him being so old, yet rock so hard, he isn’t favored to high on the battle. Odds: 1:60. The Bearenstein Bears: They are only car ■ toons but they come in large numbers how ever they seem preoccupied with helping people; which is the perfect cover for their dastardly plans. Odds: 1:24. Berenstein Bears Don Knotts: I don’t have much to say about this character. He’s been on Scooby-Doo a few time and hung out with Matlock, so he’s got something going for him. However he will never have sex; which is a shame. Odds: 1:44. The Pacific Ocean: This son of a bitch is large; I'm not gonna lie to you. Hut he’s been around since the beginning of time. But any one strong enough to shift California from the U.S. gotta be a little bit favored. Odds: 1:12. Jon Benet Ramsey: She's faced the tabliods. So what can stop her? We’ll have to see. Odds: 1:40. in "Bedknobs and Broomsticks” but will that be enough to win the tourney? Let’s all pray. Odds: 1:8 Mrs. Doubtfire: It's an old lady? It’s a man? With tricks like this, Mrs. Doubtfire is prac tically a lock; or is she? Err...he. Well, re gardless, they’re probably a ton of tricks up his skirt. Patented move? "Drive by fruit ing!” Odds: 1:64. Kevin Bacon: He was awesome in “Stir of Echoes”, “Tremors", “Diner”, “Sleepers”, “Hollow Man”, and let’s not forget “Foot loose” but does he have enough to get past McGyver first round? Odds: 1:36. Alternate 1985: This isn't a person, place or thing; it’s S' a time. The ques- JB? r V tion is: Is it time Jp for Alternate 1985 ill to win the touma- A l ter Xe 1985 merit? Many say “yes", more say “no". Odds 1:48. The Wayans Bros.: They aren’t funny, they aren’t attractive and they for hell’s sake can’t act but we threw them in the tournament anyway. They were an awesome duo in "Mo’ Money" however. Psyche! Odds: 1:52. “Mad Dog” Eco Mug: These things totally suck! Odds: 1:44. Kato Kaelin: Heartbreaker by day. stud by SMMnight, womanizer after This prime piece beef charmed us all at O.J. Simpson trial now he’s back with move “Set the Juice Tannen His hair Kato Kaelin awesome; and when I say awesome, 1 mean totally sweet. Apple Dumpling Gang: Notorious for Apple Dumpling Stealing and... Bah! Let’s not kid ourselves. No one has seen this movie and no one ever will cuz it sucks. But I still love them; in a strictly plutonic way. Odds: 1:8 Barry Bostwick: He was bomb in “Rocky Horror Picture Show” and he totally sucks on “Spin City”. What does that equal? The hell if 1 know. Odds: 1:64. Tom Selleck: This guy’s mustache rivals the ‘stach of Carl Weathers (Apollo Creed) but it’s a rad ‘stach enough to win the tourney ? I’d say so. Odds: 1:20. Apollo Creed: He was awesome in Rocky I and 111 but totally sucked in Rocky II and he was a huge disappointment in “Happy Gilmore" but hopefully this jackass makes it to at least the final four. Paul Rieser: He’s “Mad About You" and he was awesome as Modell in “Diner” but he’s no Fenwick. However, he’s charmed all of us at least once. He’s the sorta guy you wanna find at a huge dive bar and ask him what hap pened to his career. Might I suggest Ma’s Place or the Alibi Bar; both rock equally. Odds: 1:28. Angela Lansbury: She’s so nice and Mt. Vesuvius: Armageddon? Apocalypse? The Plague? None can hold a candle to this terror of a landmark. But it’s been dormant since Nov. 6, 1955. Will it wake up by the tournament? Odds: 1:8. she was way hot breakfast. Odds: 1:64. The Jolly Roger: It terrorized the seven seas and held more barley than any vessel in the Caribbean. Old Blackhead himself would shed a tear if this dirty bastard didn’t win the tournament. Patented move? "Swab the Poop Deck.” Odds: 1:20. “Sweet” Lou Whitaker: He towers about Ps\ rWfMORfJI WL^m Feb 7th, 2003 ZZmm STAR A. trt I battle Apple Dumpling Gang Bruce Coville: He wrote crap for books and his wife is hot, but the question is; What will he do to win? If he loses he can write more sto ries about how teach ers eat brains for Friday ; Famous Canadians Month Champion Rules: 1.) Fill Out the Bracket 2.) Don’t Cheat Hand it to Michael Butala, Ross Lockwood, Ben Titus, Ben Foote, or drop it off at the Beacon Office before February 21st, 2003. 4.) The top five scores win prizes. The Players his brother Forrest Whitaker who was an ac tor in “Bloodsport” but “Sweet” Lou packs enough punch for both of them. All-Star on the Tigers from ‘8.V87 can his move “The Double Play” take him to the finals? Odds: 1: 52". War of 1812: We won this. Odds: 1:44. Moses: Part the Red Sea and read the 10 Commandments. I don't know about you but that's damn impressive. But the other com batants did their share of notorious deeds. Does Moses have what it takes? Odds: 1:12. Elian Gonzalez’s Mom: It’s kinda like Gonzaga who turned some heads a few years ago but they suck now. But this isn’t Gonzaga. this is Elian Gonzalez’s Mom who is mad hot so I hear. She's that Cuban refugee's mom, or something. Mad Hot! Odds: 1:52. The Rat King: Remember this piece of crap? He was so bad ass in the earlier Ninja Turtles episodes and then he became their friend? What the hell is up with that? It might con clude to an early elimination of the tournament. Odds: 1:28. Steve Buscemi: Ugli est Mug next to Elijah Wood I ever seen, but he’s kinda cute in a really sick disgusting way. He was fairly badass in “Reservoir Dogs” but wasn’t in “All Dogs go to Heaven,” which is unfortunate. Odds: 1:40. Lightning With Cap: C’mon dumbass. He is what it says. Odds: 1:8. Chicken Little: Cute and adorable yet de structive and nuts. 1 "The sky is falling?” 1 don’t think so tough i guy. Oh. You wanna J piece of me? You got A' it! Odds: 1:60. Beer: An obvious fa vorite. Not only does this magical friend of ours start fights, it also wins more fights than Teen Wolf on speed. Odds: 1:4 Kirk Cameron: The once badass turned Jesus freak made the tourney, but can Jesus save him now? Keep in mind he’s not tagged with Alan Thicke to the results may be wild. Odds: 1:64. Slash: The Guns N Roses of the 90’s needed this vital key in their band however, Slash’s Snake Pit needed a little bit more. Needless to say he’s had a ton of women and a ton of booze, but is that enough? Odds: 1:56. Brandon Call: was the pretty boy chosen to play JT Lambert in the hit “Step by Step.” He has not appeared in any thing since 1991 but gained much populatirty when he played the role of Mitch Buchannon's son Hobie Buchannon in the hit Brandon Call TV show “Baywatch.” Brandon was also casted to play Kevin Arnold on the unforget table television show “Wonder Years.” An interesting side note on Brandon is that he ruary With Cap say... he is hilari- Conan O’Brien ous. Huh, i guess i said something. Anyways Conan graduated from Harvard and has written for such television shows as “The Simpsons” and "Saturday Night Live.” Conan has stated that wrote for the Simpsons when Homer drank a lot. Artman: This is a picture of my (Ben Titus) friend Artman. This pic ture was provided by the Pittsburgh Post Gazette, what Pirates Game can I say about this night, perhaps the high light of my summer? We started tailgating early in the afternoon and it carried over to fake ids in the ball game. The night ended with Rob Felix hav ing to show us where the Allegheny County Prison was to bail him out. Oh yeah, he got in a fight while in jail. Antonio Fargas: It's Huggyßear from Starksy & Hutch! Plus his son is a run ning back for USC and how pimp is this, Antonio was in Shaft and Foxie Brown. Ralph Wiggum: He’s a stupid little brat that likes to pick his nose. What’s not to like? Odds: 1:48. Parrot Playing Gui tar: This guy is pretty cut and dry. He can wail and bomb atomi cally but can he beat the living crap outta ev eryone? Odds: 1:28. Gilbert Godfry: The epitome of annoying (much like the humor page). Stupid, retarded and pointless (like the humor page). No won der his odds are 1:4. Brian Dennehey: First came “Jake and the Fatman,” then “Debbie Does Dallas” and finally.. .Peanut Brittle. It’s amazing he overcame such odds but can he overcome the odds of 1:60? Richard Dean Anderson: You know him as McGyver and your mom knows him as “sexy”. Anyone who can turn a lamppost, table salt and a pelican into a bomb has my vote. Odds: 1:32. Rollie Fingers: Best Brewers pitcher since “Sweet Music” Viola, or something like that. And if you hate baseball you have to appre ciate the mustache. Odds: 1:20. Eric Roberts: Best B-actor since Charles Nelson Riley and brother to the pom star Julia Roberts (or at least should be). Odds: 1:32. Urkel: This is not “Stefan,” this is Steve Urkel. Stefan’s suaveness may have gotten him into the final four but does Urkel have what it takes? Odds: 1:16. Ace and Gary: So they’re gay in an ambigu ous way? That doesn’t mean they can’t use their gay super powers to conquer other forms of Clip Art along with evil villains. Odds: was that he was shot in both arms during a robbery at tempt September 1996 but survived. Conan O’ Brien: Paul Hogan: Crocodile Dundee by day, sexual predator by night. This stud used to bounce quarters off his own ass. This guy can charm the panties off women young and old, usually young. Odds: 1:28. What can you Soda Popinski: Oh man, this guy is tough. He’s got that crazy upper cut that’s so fast you never see it com ing and if you haven’t got ten that far in Mike Tyson’s Punch Out, picture Piston Honda II on heroin. Odds: Popinski p ar | e y dressed like a girl: It’s Farley dressed like a girl. What did you expect? Odds: 1:32. Tiffany Amber Thiessen: She was hot as hell in M.A.S.H. and even hotter at Bayside High. Arch-nemesis: Mr, Belding and Pro fessor Laskey, Odds: 1:36. McCauley Caulkin: This brat needs to be shut up. He was awesome in the Good Son cuz he gave that no talent ass clown Elijah Wood what he had com ing to him. Odds: 1:48. Nick Nolte: This dirty bastard is awesome! First of all “I Love Trouble" boxed at least five grand in the theatres and he did a ton of coke and got arrested. Odds 1:44 Cooter Davenport: He’s jus' one of dem good ol’ boys from Dukes of Hazard but he better put up his dukes to win the tour nament. Odds: 1:12. Captain America: I wish it was captain planet of Mate’, that stupid Brazilian with the monkey. Odds: 1:56. Steve Martin: Whether he’s a jerk or Roxanne, you can’t argue that “Leap of faith’’ is the best movie ever. Rent it. I guarantee you’ll love it; if you love the taste of dog feces in your mouth that is. Odds: 1:40. M.C. Hammer: March is the month of Hammertime and the month to drink a ton of beer. Whether it’s an English ton or a Metric ton, I’ll be damn close and so will Hammer. Can’t touch this. Odds: 1:60. Parrot Playing Guitar Norm McDonald: He’s reputation speaks for itself. Odds: 1:4. Gil from the Simpsons: Huge extra in the show. Ya know the guy that fills in a spot when all the good characters are taken. Poor little guy. Make him feel better and at least take him to the final four. Odds: 1:24. Styx: They wail; enough said! Odds: 1:32. “Mad Dawg” from Contra: This son-of-a bitch was tough. Al though when you choose up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, select, and start he’s practically elemen tary to defeat but Clip Art don’t use codes. Odds: 1:36. Patrick Duffy: Best Actor ever and pulls some serious “a.” But Suzanne Somers has a rope tied around his manhood to keep him in check. Will that affect his performance...in bed? Odds: 1:16. Michael Butala, Humor Page Editor behrco!ls @ aol.com 16.) Barry Bostwick 3.) Moses 14.') Elian Gonzales's muhi CTQ /.) Kat King from tmni — |_J Joel Goddard: This dude is on Conan. That's about all I can say. He's old too. Odds: 1:60. »>' Q 3 C/3 Nick Nolte g from Contra