Ross Lockwood & Mike Butala, Humor Page Editor The Behrend Beacon Honey, I Shrunk the Pants but not really Michael Butala Yes, children, it is that time of year again. The time when kids with "nerd glasses" exchange their Bermuda shorts for corduroy pants. The time of year the emo kids trade in their Sauconys for another pair o snow resistant Sauconys. The time of year when the goth kids invest in the snow-resistant Magic: The Gathedn card covers. And finally thetime of year when people just can seem to squeeze in the pants that snuggly covered their bottoms before. Yes children, we are talking about wintertime. I know it's cold and the majority of you don't leave your rooms in the winter because its too cold to do whatever you do when no one's looking but I seen a few of ya. I've seen a few of ya shaking your money makers at fraternity parties. I've seen a few of ya in line at Brunos getting Spazmos for your trays. I've seen a few of ya in class trying to squeeze into the godforsaken deathtraps the university labels "desks". But I have sad news to all of you. When you dance at parties you look like a beached manatee,. IClioy eat on more Spazmo yttyrvon't be able to fit iTißruncrafidirr easiec:tca suck a golf ball through a garden hose than pry you in a desk. Let's face it, Behrend students take the term "Winter Blubber" to the next level. Now, if you want to be a disgusting mess of a reasonable facsimile o Jabba the Hut, that's your business. But when you sit in front of the television watching "Oprah" and stuffing your face with Ben and Jerry's you minimize your potential. Everyone knows the "Baby Boomers" and we all know how it happened, sort of. I guess there was some war and these horny soldiers wanted American, 'or as I call it "Apple Pie" love. So when they came home they skipped the frottage and went straight for making babies. Now would these American soldiers, fighting for your freedom mind you, jump your bones as readily as they did if they came home and you were "pushing a deuce?" Sources say "no." What a way to repay your country. You should be ashamed o yourself. In conclusion, I have no problem with people that put on a little weight. I mean, as far as I'm concerned they are able to do what they please and as long as they are happy with themselves I am at no level to judge. But please, if you don't do it for yourself, do it for your country. Oh Mama, I'm in fear for my life from the long arm of the law. Hangman is comin' down from the gallows and I don't have very long. Wetiiii ! The jig is up, the news is out. They finally found me. The renegade who had it made retrieved for a bounty. Never more to go astray. This'll be the end today o the wanted man. Nice Muffs! •••••••••••••••••••••••••.••••. • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • . • • • • • • • • 0 • . What nest? • • With all the recent whining • • about the humor section and heavy editing of my articles, I have *BEN TITUS • warn you, • you can't :stop Ben Titus. The only thing •that can stop Ben Titus is Ben • .Titus. And Ben Titus doesn't •want to stop Ben Titus. • • So this week I decided I will :help you readers. With these •tough economic times most • s people will not be able to find a :job in their majors but have no •fear because I am here to help • ,come up with ideas of potential °jobs • • Now, don't worry, people. :These jobs are open to anyone. •Applicants can be male, female, • * heterosexual, homosexual, overweight, bulimic, anorexic, • •shy, loud, or have a lisp. The • only thing that is excluded is a • •Wookie, of course, and that's • ••••••••••••• • • • • • • • • • • • • • Jennifer Lo Webster's Dictionary defines annoying as "to cause slight irritation to another by troublesome, often repeated acts." With this being said, have you ever wanted to annoy someone really bad? Lord knows I haven't. Why would you want to annoy someone when you can befriend them and drink out of your Ross Lockwood is particularly effective when someone has a long IM name like HunnyßunnySweetyPie6s743. Also, when someone says something funny, don't laugh but say LOL. Then tell them that they made you laugh out loud. ROTFLMAO (rolling on the floor laughing my ass off) is also one that gets old quicker than a cheetah on angel dust. At first they might laugh at this shenanigan , but after awhile it will not be funny to anyone (but you, of course). Remember, if you overuse something to the point where it is not funny at all to anyone, not even you, that's when it is the funniest. 2. Ruin any Story- Want to ruin a story? Any story? It's easy. All you have to do is as the person tells the story, keep asking "Then what happened?" Eventually they will run out of events and will have nothing left to say, no matter how good the Friday November 15, 2002 because they are dumb animals that will be hurt. I know you nerds are thinking. WTF? But please don't complain to the Beacon like everyone else. The first job I thought of was a whale poacher. Think of how cool it would be sail along the frigid water with one killer harpoon. I mean OMG whales move so slowly it would be great shooting some giant harpoon into their flesh. Plus, you would occasionally come across a baby seal and trust me nothing makes you feel like more of a male, heterosexual, decided to take a new approach to this section But first I have to female, homosexual, overweight, bulimic, anorexic, shy, loud, or have a lisp than clubbing a baby seal. Hell, I bet you would even pick up a cool nickname like black heart. The next occupation is my favorite and it is wardrobe coordinator for "American Gladiators." Think of all the free spandex you would have! But that's not why this job is so cool. Oh, no, my friends just imagine how much gladiator sex you would walk in on. It would be so rough I couldn't even imagine. All I know is springs ecomugs? You have got me. The following are ways to annoy people, though I suggest that you should pal up with them instead and go to Midnight Bingo together. I. Call people by their IM names and use IM abbreviations- This as 4 1‘14c41.2441k j •••••• 00000 •••••• 00000 ••••••• 0000000 . pez's quotes story might he. Then tell the person that the story they just told you sucked. 3. Get Mono and pass it on to everyone else- This isn't really annoying,because mono is somewhat sweet. It gives you a reason to be lazy. If you don't have mono and sleep all day and skip class, you would be classified as a lazy ass. However, if you say "I have mono" everyone feels had for you and considers it a legitimate excuse. So, by passing on mono, you are allowing everyone to do what they want to do anyways, which is be extremely lazy and urinate into bed pans. The way to do this is simple: First, get mono. This can he done a number of ways, but how to get it is out of the scope of this article. Then, just propose a simple childhood game of Spin the Bottle. Everyone loves Spin the Bottle, especially when it is mostly other guys. After the game, inform everyone that you had mono (the kissing disease!!) and they now have it. 4. Tell someone's boyfriend/girlfriend that they really don't like them- In order to do something like this you would have to he as Paula Abdul says a "Cold Hearted Snake." This is an easy yank to pull. Just go up to one of your friend's significant other and say something along the lines of "I don't know why he/she is dating you, I don't really think he/she likes you all that much. He/she never talks about you and every time I mention you he/she rolls his/her eyes." Then tell that person not to say that you told them. No matter what the guy/girl says, there is no way that he/she is not getting dumped. Then you just sit back and laugh at the life that you have ruined. 5. Continuous flatulence- I know that this is a juvenile thing to bring up. But it's true. If someone farts once, you let it slide. But more than once or twice and it gets annoying. Especially when they won't admit it and say something like "Those damn geese." I know this is a rather obvious thing to point out in an article, but it annoys me when people fart a lot, unless it is loud and during a class. Then it is funny. would be poking out of the beds: and there would be more holes in: the walls than at crazy Shaun's. apartment. Plus, Viper always: needs a diaper. • Unfortunately this next job. • never made it to the want ads: because it was snatched up as fast* as a drunken chick at a SKA: dance party but I thought you: might want to hear of it anyways.• McMagpipes was recently in: search of a love toy but Brice* I Weeter took that faster than him. I naked, going down a slip and:l slide. LOL • I The next occupation I thought of was BRB Oh, okay, I:I regained my thought. The job. I was Behrend hockey coach:l Think of how easy it would be*, NO PRESSURE. I mean heck;l they will be stoked if they score:l a goal. Plus no one knows they.' exist so you don't have to worry: about someone hearing of another*l loss and firing you because they. I never win. • Well I am off now, TTYL. • • • I :1 • • • • I Big Flaming Wall Sockets Megan Loncan• week. Good times, I must say. but I passed a c last group of people in the lobby talking about none other than... wall sockets. Wall sockets?! I figured they were talking about some electrical thing so I just didn't think that much of it at the time. When I passed them to go back to my room three hours later, they were still there. I stopped to get a Pepsi and they were still talking about, "big, flaming, wall sockets." Flaming wall sockets? How could this be even remotely interesting'? Maybe they need a better electrician. Maybe I just caught their three-hour long conversation at a bad time, or just heard things out of context. Speaking of hearing things out of context, I heard the dumbest thing the other day. This kid was talking on his cell phone and said, "No. I can't fit into it. I can't even get my mother to fit into it!" Are you puzzled? Me too! I can't. for the life of me, figure out what the hell this kid could have possibly been talking about! I also found that you shouldn't think about this phrase for more than three minutes or your head will explode. Or at least, it will feel like it will explode. Speaking again of wall sockets, did you know that you can talk to your neighbor through the ones in the dorms? You can also hear conversations through them; if your neighbor talks really loud, as mine does, then you can hear every word they say. One night she was talking extremely loud about some guy who was bragging about masturbating like six times a day. I'm not a guy hut... I don't think that is something you brag about. Catch my article next time for more phrases taken out of context or something else... behrcolls@aol.com Magic: The Gathering I 'fly of 'Tree WEEIC irg your archnemesis eak s out the Eider Dragon with a dexterity equal to your mom's panty size, do not soil your britches. just sum mon your fire resistant mutant / 4orem from ?-la des. (This goiem will cast his armaqeddon spell of doom, which has a plus 2 attack 601114sfir_serpent beasts. T'his will result in a nullification in all spells that coutd - surpass the power of your forest_ druid,which we all know have the power to sum mon the forest pixies that also can induce the _ dragon to slumb er with -their imigical, &wham-et:l c yixie dust. So until next time put on 1/0141" black; croak a netrade your soul to Satan for magic cards. Sir Mix A Lot Jumped My BONES!!! Hey, kids. Have you ever heard someone say something out of context and just wanted to turn around and ask the person, "WHAT THE HECK WERE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!" I'm sure everybody has, but lately, it's been happening a lot. For instance, I was invited to a movie night Page
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