Ben Kundman, Humor Page Editor behrco!l2 @ aol.com Ulorst ideas ever America has come up with some great inventions. Columbus invented America, Ben Franklin invented lightning, Thomas Edison ' the telephone. Foosball, three-way dildos, and jJr $ nose candy were three ®~*"” other things that BOSS Lockwood changed the American landscape forever. Things like these make me proud to be an American. However, some of the things that people have invented should go to hell. No, I’m not talking about the conception of Mike Butala, however ill fated that mistake might have been. l.Non alcoholic beer Have you ever tipped back some suds and said to yourself, “This beer is great, but I wish it didn’t have alcohol in it.” NOOO. No God- fearing American would say something like that. But somewhere along the line, some crazy kook came up with the idea that this would sell. I have never seen anyone drinking non-alcoholic beer, other than as a less-than-humorous joke. 1 would love to see how many cases of Coors Cutter have been sold in America in the past year. I would snicker. I know its purpose is to help alcoholics recover, but this swill tastes nothing like beer. You might as well be drinking Faygo Red Pop. The only real reason 1 can see for it is to give 12 year old kids the thrill of drinking something that is like beer. I remember when I was 12, sipping on O’Douls and thinking I was king of the world. In actuality, I was less cool than anyone who has ever played Dungeons and Dragons. And the sad thing is that kids that age can’t buy it. You have to be 21 I guess. I don’t see the purpose of this. Are they scared a kid is going to drink 100 cases and get drunk? If I worked in a supermarket, I would sell it to anyone. If you want to waste your money on it, go ahead. It can’t be worse for kids than Jolt or Faygo. 2.The Golden Girls Never mind the fact that 1 know all the words to the theme song. “Thank You For Being A Friend” is a catchy tune. I cannot believe that this show was on the air for so long and still runs in syndication. Think about the whole premise for the show; it’s 60-year old and above women talking about sex. It’s horrible. Who in the world wants to hear this? There is a time and a place for everything, and TV shouldn’t be the place for old women to tell stories about sex. That’s what nursing homes are for. I like how Blanche is considered the “whore” of the group, always talking about her numerous escapades with men. That would be like someone’s grandma going out and trying to get laid every night, but for some reason people think it’s funny and amusing. My roomate one year loved this show. One time, he skipped a party to watch a “Golden Girls” marathon. One of the first words he said to me on the first day of school was, “What channel is Lifetime?” I obviously thought he was kidding, and dismissed the comment with a slight chuckle. Then, he began flipping furiously through the channels and stopped on what was Lifetime. He then made the comment, “There are my girls,” in reference to the show. Now I never had a problem with the show before that. I liked it when I was a little kid, before I realized how vomit inducing it is to hear old women talk about sex. But before long, I had reen what seemed like every episode. And that is where my hatred for the show began. To this day I can t see and old person without thinking of Betty White. 3. Tests Sometimes, when I’m studying for tests, I get bored. My eyefc get tired and I start to fall asleep. Tests really suck. I don’t like taking them either, they suck. There has to be a better way of deciding if someone should pass or fail. My vote goes to popularity contests. They work for everything else That way if the teacher said, “This isn’t a popularity contest, mister-man,” you could say, “yeah it is!!” 4. Metric System I don’t know much about the metric system, and I plan on it staying that way. All I know is to get into Super Delta Five you have to drink a gallon of beer out of a milk jug. Steve Hlopick has the record of 47 minutes, which is very impressive and earned him the name “Iron Man .” Lockwood’s next column will appear after the Lifetime movie of the week. J Humor JB, jgjff Friday, March 22,2002 S ✓ Aldi’s product review J | This week’s Aldi’s Product review is Maraschino ■ Cherries. I’m not gonna lie to you, these aren’t from I Aldi’s, they are from Giant Eagle, but I need to express a point about these angel-sent treasures. They taste like crap basically, but this past weekend I realized • how freaking cool this stuff is. So I was indulging myself in delicious liquid known as Golden Anniversary Beer. Indulged a little too much and passed out at 11. \ j Mike Butala (Yeah, I know it’s weak) But woke Vjßfca J up at 2 a.m. and kept drinking. VyL * And when I woke up I was next fPA I to two broads and a jar of maraschino cherries. I guess 1 ■ someone put vodka or rubbing alcohol or something in I the jar because there was definitely booze in there. Man, you should | have seen that one broad suck on that cherry. My pants were tighter | and I wasn’t even wearing a belt. I never saw a broad use her tongue I like that who wasn’t in porno. I’ll marry her someday. When asked ■ for a quote she responded, “I like to drive the boys wild by licking ■ them, sucking them, twirling them on my tongue, and biting them, ■ then leave and make them yearn for more...” I feel special being the tfp Jimmy Z's BAR QUESTION OF THE WEEK Who is the sexiest cartoon character and why? Grand Prize Winner*: Groundskeeper Willie Submitted by: Mandi Grolemund Political Science/Marketing 004 What is sexy? If it's a foreign accent, a body you wearin’, croquet-playin’buttercup”, which shows could bounce quarters off of, a sense of humor, dedica- that even this hard-body has a funny side. Sure, /■'"% tion, and a good full-time job, then the sexiest male car- he may live in a shack behind the school and he C \ toon character in the universe is undeniably has no friends, but hey, you can’t win ‘em all. A M GROUNDSKEEPER WILLIE of “The Simpsons.” Any 1 Simpsons fan can confirm the fact that not only are THE SEXIEST THING WILLIE EVER DID: In Willie’s biceps as big as my head, his thick, rugged Scot- one episode, Willie stripped down to short-shorts Vi";.,.. - tish accent could melt even the coldest heart. The signs and greased himself head-to-toe with Crisco so TA he posts around the school yard, such as ‘KEEP OOT!’ that he could slide through the vents in the ceil- * and‘ACH-KEEPOFFTHE GRASS!'as well as his oc- ing. (I can’t recall why he did this, but boy was it casional red-plaid kilt wearing (nothing underneath, of hot!) course) show his dedication to his Scottish accent and also his heritage. He’s been known to refer to his boss, Principal Skinner, as a “silk- Second PISICC HANDS DOWN Jessica Rabbit. I mean, didn’t you see the rack on her? And you KNOW you have a shot if Winner**:Jessica Rabbit Hk Ishe’d go for a rabbit and an old guy. Definitely better . than dealing with that dumb broad in the Pepe Le Pew Dy: JVtatt oliaaK . cartoons, who wasn’t even smart enough to avoid get- PLET class of ‘O2 ting a white stripe painted on her every damn episode. Third PlflCC I had to add another two dimensional man to my life, it would JjljL be Shaggy from Scooby Doo. Primarily because he reminds me of Winner***:Shaggy that sexy bitch Ben Kundman. (Well, if Shaggy were a drunken k |) skater who sports a mullet and can often be heard chanting - “I Submitted by: Leha Smith wanna rock!”) They’re tall. They’re lanky. They wear the same ELISH 08 outfit day in and day out. Oh, and, yes ladies, they both have big dogs. *Mandi will receive a free Fat Chik Sandwich from Jimmy Z’s Look here next week for another Jimmy Z’s Bar Question of the ** Sudak will receive a free Fat Boy Sandwich from Jimmy Z’s Week and another chance to win! (P.S. We only received three ***Leha will receive a free side order of fries entries this week - which means if y° u enter y° u have a darn Bood8 ood chance of winning. A little bird told me... Satan receives a makeover )y Nick Capozzoli “ nivmil,es '!'“ ■* • been accused of Staff Writer harming the moral fabric of young impressionable minds. Matters were not helped earlier this year when several SSA members were thwarted while attempting to rob a local Magic Card store by several trenchcoat-wearing Samaritans. But under the new management of Herbie Hancock, the SSA is now trying to revamp its public image. With backing from the ACLU, the group has been allowed back on several major campuses nationwide. I spoke with Mr. Hancock earlier this week about the new Behrend chapter and his plans for the organization. Mr. Hancock, you have been accused by some of being in cahoots with Satan, intending to convert peace-loving young adults into minions of darkness. Is this true? In an effort to attract new membership, the Satanic Students of America, or SSA, will begin hosting ice cream socials in the Reed Union Building beginning this April. The group, which has been banned from Supermarkets old enough the recall the Magna check-out person line. express Another wildly original yet mildly unfunny thought by Ben Kundman [Sinister Laugh] Well, those who don’t have a personal relationship with the Great One tend to misunderstand our intentions. We are simply an organization that offers an alternative to traditional worship. We believe in instant gratification as a reward for public service.” So what type of public service do you perform? “We try to reach out to the younger generations with programs such as Elementary school mentors, readership programs such as Hooked on Phonics, and Little League sponsorships. “ You sponsor Hooked on Phonics? “Oh yes. The Dark Lord doesn’t want ignorant minions. Hooked on Phonics is just one way in which Satan can influence the world in a positiye light. For instance, last week there was this kid who tried to pick a fight with a girl, let’s call him “Lucifer.” My lord Beelzebub, upon seeing the flagrant injustice of the dorky picking upon the weak, decided to strike this guy down in a most righteous manner. He cursed the wretched “Lucifer” by condemning him to a life of forced celibacy. He won’t ever be able to spread his wretched seed upon this earth!” Perhaps "Lucifer" prefers a celibate life to one of sinful relations. only 21-year old “boy” at this campus. The texture J of the cherries made it seem they were J fairly easy to cut, so I decided to ask ▲ I around. Luckily, earlier that day I ■ encountered Gutman’s Special Knife. I Mike Butala-“Can you bust a cherry?” \ | Gutman’s Special Knife-”...” \ | Mike Butala-“Wanna do it?” Gutman’s | Gutman’s Special Knife-”..." special knife ■ That’s the same response I get from ■ broads so I wasn’t too surprised in the answers. . Nonetheless, the night ended with me getting drunk J again, Yellowstone Park facts, a debate about why J Kelvin should be the only unit of temperature and I sappy talk about Jets to Brazil and Jawbreaker. So I in conclusion, in taste they rank 0/5 unless you eat | them out of the cleavage of a fat chick in which | case it’s 1/5 and in sexual provoking they rank like | a million or something. I hate Aldi’s product ■ review. ■ always use vividly of as the in the signing Carter someone “Sure fruitcake. It’s not like he’s a TKE or anything lik< Ouch. So can you tell me about these ice cream social : you will be hosting? “Sure. Basically, it’s a chance for the public to come anc meet our membership and see the works the SSA hai been performing in the community. We will hav< entertainment such as Gothic face painting and Magic The Gathering tournaments.” Sounds kind of wild. “Are you mocking me?” “I will kill you!” At this point Mr. Hancock decided to end the interview but in a statement faxed to my secretary, reiterated hi; interest in the preservation of Mankind through worshif of Satan. Also, he wished everyone a Happy Eastei holiday. The Behrend Beacon Dirty Teddy's Malt Liquor Boozehound of the Week pennState jjpErie J.'DanieCs J.D. stayed up late one Monday night studying for an extremely difficult Computational chaotic fluid analysis test he had early the next morning. Leaving the test with a feeling of dread and despair, J.D. headed to his car where he proceeded to pound a half-fifth of his name-sake, our good friend Jack Daniels, despite the fact he soon had a phone interview with a prospective employer. J.D. was sitting in his car in the midst of the phone interview when the dreaded feeling of nausea hit his stomach like dookie hitting a fan - he yacked all over the side of his car. The interviewer asked, “Are you ok?” and he somehow managed to maintain some semblance of composure and complete the phone interview. After all of this, he went to his senior design meeting where he promptly vomited in front of a classroom of fellow students, as well as his advisor. Dirty Teddy and The Behrend Beacon encourage students to drink responsibly. Boozehound of the Week was created to show what can happen when one consumes too much alcohol and makes a complete jack ass out of him or herself. Send your 50-100 word nomination for Boozehound of the Week to: behrcoll2@aol.com. Note: We will not publish stories about crimi nal acts. If you want your name in the paper, the nomination must come from your psu per sonal account. If you want your picture in the paper, send a jpeg file along with your story. Page 9
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers