Pass the gas G. Love and Bojangles Ryan Anthony PBBBBBBBFFFFFFFFFTTTTT. Oh man, what a sound! In lieu of my recent boring editorials, I'd like to take the time today to address a serious health issue. Nobody can deny that urinating and defecating are normal, natural parts of life. Everyone pees and poops and even burps when they have to because they know holding it in would cause discomfort and eventually sickness. Unfortunately though, too many people are creating unnecessary buildup in their intestines by holding (or sometimes even clenching) in other gasses. When the human body wants to emit something from it, the natural thing to do is let it out. So why is flatulence treated differently'? The Oxford English Dictionary defines a fart as "a breaking wind. Often in let (let flee) a fart." Surely farts have been along since the dawn of man, but the first recorded use of the word came in 1386. Geoffrey Chaucer, widely considered Middle English's greatest poet, wrote the following line in his "Miller's Tale. - "He was somdel squaymous Of fartying." Never before had such eloquent words been written. I'd like to point out to anyone unfamiliar with the "Miller's Tale" that this story was written to be humorous. Like the great literary genius of the middle ages, I also find farts to be extremely funny. To me, farts are without a doubt some of the funniest things in the world. A timely executed fart can lighten almost any tense or uncomfortable situation. Ever experience that awkward silence on a date or in a car or elevator? Just relieve all the tension (and pressure) by letting one blow. You'll feel better and everyone involved should at least get a giggle out of it. If the other person does not laugh. then at least you will realize that person is too uptight and you don't want to waste your time with Sdmeone like that anyway. I can't say it enough: flatulence is natural. I do it. My dog does it. My roommates do it (very frequently). Babies do it. And yes, even girls do it. Never let a female tell you that girls don't fart, because they do. I've known plenty of females who are at one with their bodily emissions. Not only do they fart freely, but they laugh about it too. There are too many girls out there who fart for one to believe that "girls don't fart" crap. One thing in particular that I've noticed about girl farts is that nine times out of ten they stink a lot more than guy farts. My only guess as to the reason why is because girls keep all that gas bottled up inside of them because it is the feminine thing to do. Therefore, when they do fart, it is usually a colossal blast of nastiness that has been brewing all day. If most girls would be more like guys and just fart when they have to, we wouldn't have to suffer though that awful smell on the rare occasions that they do it. One of the greatest attributes of farts is that they often result in a humorous sound with little odor. Yes, it happens, but the ungodly aroma farts are notorious for only accompanies the sound on rare occasions. Think about it. People get away with farting all the time because most of them simply neither stink nor make a sound. The problem is, you never know if the next fart will quietly drift away or thunderously make grown men cry. What to do when you are sitting in class and the feeling comes about? Perform the "alpha test" as recommended by one of my roommates. I'll admit, class is a somewhat inappropriate time to cause a rude interruption, so as my roommate says, let out a tiny fart as quietly as possible. This little release is the alpha test. If it doesn't reek then release a second beta test. If you get away with the alpha and beta tests and your classmates are still none the wiser, then you are free to let your gas fly for the whole class. The only challenge, as I have learned, is that those hard plastic chairs do little in terms of absorbing sound. Mastering the alpha test will allow you to avoid a great deal of cramping discomfort. I could write all day on this subject, but I'm out of room. I guess the moral of this story is that farting is natural, farts don't always smell, and yes, girls do fart. Anthony's column appears every three weeks. / am••••••••••••••••• The Donkey -:-*" ~....., - v co The Elephant says... The idea put forth by popular belief is that Republicans are cold and heartless. Not true. Just because we aren't constantly trumpeting our love for everyone doesn't mean that we don't care. What's important to know about The Republican Party is that it's for less gov ernment in the lives of citizens, and the states are to have more say than the federal govern ment. Large-scale government is not to have a great part in individuals' lives and they are to be independent of it. Republicans are also staunch defenders of the Constitution. Another stereotype often applied to the party is that it is bent on destroying the environment. We Republicans are pro-capitalism, but not anti-environment, and do feel it's a resource to be protected. Republicans are also famously tough on crime. Politically, we are more prag matic than idealistic, which means that we are realistic instead of chasing pie-in-the-sky dreams (idealism is good, but dangerous in gov ernment). Because of this, Republicans know that they can't spend money they don't have. The Republican Party was formed on July 6, 1854. mostly comprised of anti-slavery mem bers of the Whig party. The Republican Party is appropriately nicknamed the "Grand Old Party," or GOP; also appropriately, it is associ ated with "right" thinking. Its symbol is the elephant, and it came from a cartoon by Tho mas Nast, a significant political cartoonist. You may remember some important GOP presidents in history. Abraham Lincoln and Theodore Roosevelt are two of the greatest. Even Richard Nixon had some good qualities, like the excellent foreign policy he and Henry Kissinger practiced and his visit to China. Dur ing Ronald Regan's two terms we saw low in flation and the end of the Cold War. Our cur rent president over the past month has finally received respect, and may too go down in his tory as a great president. The likelihood of that is getting better, making joining the Republi can Party an even wiser decision. I will close with something to think about from Rush Limbaugh: "It's the easiest thing in the world to he a liberal; all you have to do is say 'yes' to everything... In order to be a con ser‘atiVe you have tu.think.7 , Sex, responsibility, and the beauty of it Attitude problem Paige Miles Sex. It's everywhere. And now, being in col lege, it seems that having sex like rabbits is part of the whole college experience. But af ter all the pleasure and fun is over, where does the responsibility fit in? Is sex necessarily a bad thing or should boink-fests be declared as national holidays? We've all heard about the risks of sex. Maybe some of us are so tired of hearing about the possible hazards that we just block all the information out, or maybe we just feel sub consciously guilty about it all. I don't really need to list the dangers of it all (cough, preg nancy, STDs, all that other fun stuff, cough). Can it be stopped? Yeah. Duh. Let's grow up here. All of the unwanted pregnancies and transferred diseases (with the exception of rape) can be prevented. I honestly don't feel Why I love Ari Fleischer least seven sepLute occasions, asked (in a variety of sentence _ ' ': ~ ' < - structures) why President . ~ .. .. 0r wi .'W,ti“, - . 61 Bush narrowed the circle of people that would receive classified inforrna :',,. 1111---i '-4 ) .f 4 , tion regarding America's war effort. 1 Fleisher answered (in his own variety of sen- Common sense would do our media a lot of tence structures) that it is important to keep good. information classified that, if leaked, could lead Last week, I watched White House Press Secretary Ari Fleisher take questions from the to the loss of American lives. media regarding our war on terrorism. The I understand that the job of the media is to more I watched, the more I began to wonder keep Americans informed to prevent any sort of corruption by America's government. How which side our media is on. ever, media members also have a moral obli- I'm not accusing our media of being ter gation as Americans to do their part in this war rorists or condoning the attacks that have hit against terror. Their part, in this case, involves our country. But lam holding our media ac keeping classified information in the hands of countable for having a major lack of common people who know what to do with it. sense. America is at war, whether it be "a dif- Everything spoken or written by our media ferent kind of war," or not. And that notion is readily accessible to anyone who wants it. should be taken very seriously. That includes Osama bin Laden, the Taliban Common sense would tell us that there are leaders and the Taliban military. It is the duty some things regarding this war that should be of our government, and now it should be an kept quiet. When I say quiet, I mean that the obligation of our media, to keep specific mili- -Karen Niemla vital information regarding the specifics of this war should stay out of irresponsible hands. Let me tell ya a Last week, Fleisher was drilled with questions that dealt with those "irre little sometnin sponsible hands." The media, on at Jason Snyder Friday, October 26, 2001 says... The Democratic Party finds its origins in the late 1790 s and Thomas Jefferson was elected as our party's first president in 1800. The long and rich history of the Democratic Party gives a solid foundation on which we continue to build today. Today, the Democratic Party is America's major left-leaning party, and in general Ameri can politics are more conservative than in most other liberal democracies. Democrats fight for the rights and prosperity of all Americans. We fight to protect and secure civil liberties in America, and included in that is the belief that there is a constitutionally protected privacy right. This country was founded on the prin ciple of people's freedom to act in any man ner that does not threaten the public well-be ing. In these trying times when there has been much speculation as to whether or not we will have to sacrifice our freedoms in order to be secure, Democrats maintain that civil liberties are of utmost importance. Democrats believe in equality of opportu nity; that is, real equality of opportunity be tween peoples of different socio-economic backgrounds. Democrats believe that we must both invest more in our public school system and hold schools to a strict accountability. We believe that with the right education and train ing, American workers can outperform the workers in any other state; because of this, we push for free trade and open markets wher ever that is possible. Democrats also fight for consumer protection and the right to hold cor porations accountable for their actions. We must all work to achieve a reasonable amount of economic equity. In the years to come we all must work to protect the environment. Democrats support more stringent legislation to protect our natu ral resources and push for stiffer punishment for breaking environmentally focused laws. The United States is the greatest nation in the world. Democrats work to preserve a free nation where people can prosper economically, worship in the .ways they choose, and speak the way they want to speak. bad when someone gets pregnant or some one becomes a father because they were he- ing careless Can't imagine pushing around a stroller or changing diapers? What about taking daily medication and not being able to have sex for the rest of your life? Well, use your brain. The most obvious solution is not to have sex. Okay, unrealistic. Let's move The second solutiOn is just as apparent, but a little pricier in terms of cash and time, but it can be very much worth it in the end. Is it that hard to put on a condom? Yeah, condoms do break, but a vast majority of the time they are effective. Ladies, if you are going to have sex, and don't want a child, get on the pill. I am so sick of hearing the "if my parents found out they would kill me" excuse. Would you rather tell them you are pregnant? Don't think so. It's not that expensive, and very accessible, especially when we, as Penn State students, have an ex cellent health care center that provides all needed services and won't go call mommy and daddy and tell them you didn't save yourself -Dave Beichner The Hot Debate of the Week Should women register for Selective Service? Fair is fair and in my opinion there is only one way to answer the question, "Should women have to register for the Selective Service? - Yes. In the United States we pride ourselves on being fair and nondiscriminatory. And we do a good job at achiev ing equal opportunity and equality in general for all. By law, and by and large, in practice we do not discriminate on the basis of race, sex, creed, ethnicity, and soon. Yet we sometimes forget what must come along with those rights and privileges. While on one end of the balance we have equality of opportunity, on the othetiodoribellitiiiiee Mastic responsibil ity. If one *rn ii:ozitir society wishes to receive all the rightOlitt freeckinisOthe others (as it should). than that sentient muilt4l4tacc - ept*, same respon sibilities as all the other segments. Many years ago women could not vote; now they can. Many years ago women could only go into so cially acceptable fields; now all our open to them . Many years ago women did not get as much pay as men for the same job; now they often do. Many years ago women did not have to register for the Se lective Service; and they still do not. This is wrong. Their equality has been secured, now they must ac cept the responsibilities of that equality. If a man must register for the Selective Service, then so should a woman. It makes clear and logical A woman can perform just as well as a man in any aspect of the military. Even those who feel women should not and cannot perform as well as men in combat situations are wrong. They can and have done this in our last few military engagements. Woman even served alongside men in combat dur ing WWII in the Soviet military. Surely, we can also have woman fight along the sides of men in our military if the quintessential Com munist State could more than 50 years ago. On the other hand, some women who disagree that they should not have to serve in the military. These types are either extreme feminists who want more rights and privileges than "male pigs" and none of the responsibility, or women who simply do not want to serve their nation when they are called upon. Foi the feminist argument: the feminist movement has tried since the 1920 s to secure equal status as men. Now they have it. It is about time they start to regis ter the same as men. For the women who just do not want to fight: there is probably one man for each of them who feels the same way. With those men still have to register, so they should also. No matter how one looks at the issue there is only one logical and fair answer: Yes, women should have to register for the Selective Service. Rights and re sponsibility go hand in hand. Take on one and you must accept the other. Once again, fair is fair. until marriage Sex is a natural and beautiful behavior be tween two humans, but be smart about it. It really doesn't take a genius to figure out how not to end up with a child. If you want a baby at this point in life, more power to you, but if you had unprotected sex or pull off some other stupid act, you have no right to complain, so please, for the benefit of us all, shut up. However, sex is not wrong. Recently, a woman wrote a letter to the editor of the Erie Times News whining about all of the maga zines on rack in the checkout line at grocery stores. She was upset that the cover of these magazines feature beautiful models showing off too much skin, and suggested everyone rally against stores to get these publications off the shelves. Yeah, that's not going to hap pen real soon. Honestly, though some of these magazines can be a bit shallow, I read them regularly. "Seventeen," the adolescent version of my favorite mag, "Cosmo," was a huge ben efit through my teen years, when I didn't have a mother in the house to teach me about make up, hair, and clothes. "Cosmo" teaches people to have better sex, and informs about safe sex tary secrets away from anyone who can use that information against the American people, our military, or our government. What has me even more upset than the media's obsession with being in "President Bush's inner circle of information sharing," is the pure stupidity of our media when it comes to our national security against terrorism. So far, the media seems to be the number one provider of information to terrorists who are counting down the days to their next at tack. For example, I now know the top two loca tions in our nation that, if attacked, would hugely complicate the activities and health of millions of Americans, potentially even the loss of many lives. My source for this information does not come from any terrorist network or leader. My source is the American media. Common sense should tell us that sharing such information serves everyday Americans no purpose. However, it serves the terrorists' every purpose. If our media is aware of potentially vulner able locations in the United States or elsewhere, then our media should contact the FBI or CIA. not Bin Laden and his followers. In a debate column featured in the USA To day entitled "Wartime censorship," the news- Do you know That Guy') You know That Guy. lie's the one who is a craiv party ani - mal until his girlfriend shows up. Ile's the kind of guy who goes home every weekend to watch chick flicks with his girlfriend. With the exception of extremely good-looking girls who always wind up with bastards, most females completely dominate the male in the relationship. Guys usually never even have a chance to "wear the pants." We all know why girls run relationships: they can say no to sex arid beer. There are two thing guys CANNOT say no to: tree beer and free se v. Well. sex occa sionally. hut beer never. Women should not he drafted into the mili tary for the above reasons. you're won dering what parallel I inn n v inr to form. it's simple: The Armed Forces runs so effectively because it has a direct. strict. hierarchical order. If more women were added into the armed forces, this hierarchy would he de stroyed, as all the soldiers w ould soon he wearing pink bunny suits and crying over - City of Angels." You don't even need to he sleeping with a girl to fall prey to her evil powers. All they need is to shake their money maker and keep the 211\., tilillking lie might get a piece. I guess I should talk about how women are interior to men, because that's pi ohahlv what is appropriate for this column. Women shouldn't he allowed to vote. Women shouldn't he allowed to work. The place for women is at home. churning butter and keep ing my beer on ice. In conclusion, I would like to share an old saying: "Women should he allowed to hold three things. A spatula. a baby. and a hh/01 1 NOTC: 71/0 Is nut,lsis J I Is 5,4 ,ism it/I's'is Mai rum him r1 , 11;1,011 ihtit VIO/11( . 11 Oh, rid,' 11,4 Iw nr III(' ;Alined ['Ohl,. II 11 , 1( ii dell,' I 114 , 11 Ch nr thill4 that I/14 I\ 111% teal Opl 1141. II . I°ll Ifif deny I fo agree with the elr,lllolll 4'llM, kt d ui dui edit, Ifll (partu.illarls the last !Is,' /411'i:trap/is al! flu m rlie odd 'Mike a 'hit( WIN e' Evert' week, two editors from the stall will debate a topic that is hot Students, lacultv and stall . are encouraged to email suggestions for the hot topic. Send ideas to behreoll2(a'aof coin -G. Reschenthalei all methods, thus bend iting many. Nlaybe it's a hit of a superficial theory. but it v.orks. Besides, the human body is beautiful. These models were blessed with good looks, so let them flaunt it. It may he the only skill and talent some of them possess. Seeing a "Cosmo" or ''ln Style" in the grocery line when I was younger didn't make me want to go out and immediately get it On. so what's the problem? I fey, it could always he worse The stores could he putting "Playboy" out on the line. Most stores don't even feature "Maxim, - a male version of any female von- ay magazine I guess this would he the ideal spot for the moral of this whole thing. lla e sex, have fun. but he smart about it. Sleeping with twenty different people in a matter of months is not cool, no matter what your friends think. I used to have a sticker on my car that read "Stupid people shouldn't breed.'' Remember it. If you are dumb enough to he unprotected, you don't deserve to have sex. You are too stupid. Miles' column appears every three weeks. paper argued that, :'Americans are being. asked to give up their rights to inhumation, with no evidence that it presents any real risk. - !fele' , where my idea of common sense collies in. The only way our government call prose that there is risk involved is to tell people the information that is classified. In which case. you've already provided potential terrorists with information they can use in the planning of future attacks. That would he like saying that there is no evidence to suggest that a heavily used sneet intersection needs a stop sign. The only was, to provide us with "evidence that it presents any real risk.'' is to see ss hat happens without the stop sign. 13v then, it's too late. I'm not asking the media to stop criticising governmental decisions or to slow doss n then sharing of information that could potentially save American lives. I am, however. calling on the media to think before it shares into! - illation that could prose to be devastating. In simpler terms, use common sense. Snyder's column appears every three weeks. The Behrend Beacon B.Kundman
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers