I I it
Vendredi, trente Mars, 0001
"I think that this place is
really great. The stuff in here
is really tehgnoligcally
advanced. The machines use
a lot of fuzzy numbers and
qtliff "
Dubya
Cocaine, 206
Hand recount shows Blair
by get out poop
retiring chef
It appeared after the 401-89
landslide in last year's SGA
presidential election that there was
no doubt that Jen Miles and Clint
Skillen had defeated Demian Blair
and Mike Frawley. But an
unofficial hand recount done by the
Bacon shows that the results should
have been different.
Despite the 312-vote deficit that
Blair/Frawley had lost the election
by, doubt surfaced on their
campaign team that their ticket had
really lost the election. The team
claimed that there were many paper
ballots turned in to the SGA Office
during the hours of the election,
which would likely give Blair the
edge.
SGA officials claimed that the
paper ballots were not filled out in
#2 pencils, which meant that,
POLICE AND SAFETY REPORT
3/21/2001 11:00
17:50
3/22/2001
12:32
3/22/2001
01:15
3/23/2001
19:40
3/23/2001
00:18
3/24/2001
00:35
3/24/2001
03:57
3/25/2001
20:30
3/25/2001
11:40
3/27/2001
according to their constitution, the
votes couldn't be counted. Despite
efforts made by the Blair/Frawley
campaign team to get these votes
counted, SGA claimed it was
unconstitutional and wouldn't be
allowed.
Blair/Frawley appealed the
decision to Behrend's j -board,
consisting of nine Greek members.
They lost the vote 8-1 with the one
vote coming from an undercover
Bacon reporter pretending to be
Greek.
Blair's concession speech was
inevitable, as he congratulated
Miles for a well-fought election.
Frawley, on the other hand, shared
his thoughts through an article filled
with profanity and Greek bashing.
The paper ballots were delivered
by the Blue Bus to the Glenhill
Farmhouse for safe keeping. A
parade of Police and Safety officers
A complainant reported finding a shopping buggy
with a young Jersey man blindfolded in it on the
bridge to Almy Hall. Upon arrival man was found to
be disoriented and talking about "Jay's mom". A
missing persons report was filed for Jay's mom and
man was pushed in the general direction of New
Jersey.
A herd of bovine looking mammals were spotted
grazing on the lawn outside of the Reed Building
Massive food posioning was reported in Dobbins
Investigation later proved the food had been
purchashed from the dumpster behind Aldi's.
For second year in a row, Bacon staff reported to
be unnecessarily provoking campus of Berhend.
Staff was promised the return of the swear jar for
ceasing and desisting.
While on night patrol at the ARC, officer witnessed
water polo coach apply massive amounts of body
lotion while wearing street shoes on pool deck.
Citation was issued along with a twenty five dollar
gift certiciate to Bath and Body Works.
Officers were dispatched to the apartment quad after
a "Knowledgable " man was reported to be provok
ing skunks with snowballs. The "d'oh" award was
handed out.
An officer was advised that a shopping buggy was
overturned on bridge at Almy Hall.
Student on duty at ARC reported riots among
weight room characters.
Complainant reported hearing farting noises coming
from room 403 in Almy Hall. Students were found
to be running underground illegal vinyl beanbag
production shop. Citation handed out.
A complainant reported a drunk managing editor of
the Bacon running through the Wintergarden. He
was reported yelling. "Me like boobies." Man was
detained and held behind the RUB desk until State
Police arrived.
"Me like Boobies."
Dean Lilley
Lingerie, 20
QUESTION OF THE WEEK
"I especially like the emergency exits over there
by the wing."
won 2000 SGA Election
followed the Blue Bus for security
until a call was made to report a
crazed skunk running rampant in
Perry Hall
The ballots were just made
available to the media. After one
recount, the Bacon saw the Blair and
Frawley had gained four votes,
cutting the deficit to 308 votes.
Upon further review, the Bacon
found that specs of lead made from
filling in a vote for Miles, had made
their way to Blair's name. The SGA
Constitution states that "any vote
that is indistinguishable goes to the
person contesting the election."
These 153 votes would then be
switched from the Miles column to
Blair's. The lead was down to just
2 votes.
Finally,the Bacon found that three
ballots had holes punched in them
for Miles. According to the SGA
Constitution, "any person who votes
NEWS
Speeldogg
Flight School, 08
by punching a hole in the ballot
automatically has their vote
switched to the other candidate for
being so stupid."
That final observation proves that
Blair should have won the election
by one vote. Blair stated, "I knew
that my campaign posters, emails,
ads, computer messages, phone
calls, campaign flyers slipped under
students' doors, and Greek
disenfranchisement had to have
paid off. I'm just disappointed that
these results hadn't materialized
earlier."
SGA is currently coming up with
a new system of voting that will
more accurately distinguish the
intent of the voters. Butterfly ballots
are to go into effect for next week's
election. SGA figures it will give
the underdog more of a chance of
pulling out the upset.
Bacon staff member lives out liquid dream
by I finally got a new starter
In a recent agreement with the
courts, Jennifer Lopez, a.k.a. "J
-Lo,"
is now scheduled to appear at
Behrend on April 19 in place of
Shaggy and Baby Sham. The
announcement follows a series of
hearings that took place in Sandusky,
Ohio, after alleged stalker Neil
Makadia, assistant photo editor for
the Berhend Bacon, was caught
armed with a slingshot at Cedar Point
where Lopez was performing.
Lopez's lawyers stated in a recent
press conference that Makadia has
been following Lopez since January
of 2000. Photos of Makadia, taken by
Lopez's personal bodyguard Mike
Frawley, were presented in court as
evidence. Makadia was spotted in
Lopez's pool, her dressing room, and
the Grammy's, where Makadia,
dressed as Lopez's former beau Sean
"Puffy" Combs, assaulted Lopez's
bodyguards with a pool cue and then
ran to Lopez, holding her in his grasp.
Lopez, not wanting to create a scene,
smiled as the paparazzi admired her,
and then turned towards Makadia,
yelling, "Get your damn hands off of
me!"
Makadia appeared in court dressed
in the same white suit he had sported
at the Grammys, this time also adding
a pair of sunglasses similar to those
Combs frequently wears. As Makadia
sat on the stand, he would
periodically stand up and shout, "J-
Lo! I want to have your love child!"
After twenty minutes on the stand,
Judge Robert Speel became frustrated
and had Makadia removed from the
court room in shackles. The trial
continued as Makadia was forced to
sit in the judge's quarters and watch
old New Kids on the Block videos
repeatedly until he calmed down.
After nine days in court, a
frustrated Judge Speel decided that
Makadia is a lost cause. He told the
court that if Makadia was
incarcerated, it is likely he would
bounce off the walls continuously
making horny monkey sounds, hence
driving the other prisoners to suicide.
If he was let free without punishment,
he would continue to stalk Lopez,
thus interfering with her weekly
!MIMI
HONK. HONK HONK HONK.
HONK HONK. HONK. HONK
HONKETY HONK. Eh?
Canadian Goose
Speech Comm, 14
Random clip art and jokes
for the insane box
A cricket walks into a
bar and says, "is the
bartender here!" It's a
riddle, get it?
Bacon staff member, Neil Makadia, gets to live out his
dream...before the judge put the restraining order on hint
breast and buttocks silicone
injections. To settle the dispute, Judge
Speel ordered Lopez to perform at
Penn State Berhend in place of
Shaggy, with Makadia as her personal
escort. However, it was also insisted
on that Makadia wear a straightjacket
at all times while within 1500 yards
of Lopez.
Surprisingly, Lopez was not
terribly upset with the verdict.
"Personally, I have always had a
fondness for little guys from New
Jersey. Also, I have been a Nittany
Lion fan since I was a small girl... you
know, since I was seven or eight years
old."
John Tesh, close friends with Lopez
MIMI
-a , -
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4 •
10 ' •
,
~ 1
'l4i t ;
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44 . ~.,..4 k
"I think we should put this
building into a lock box.
You know, I invented this
ARC."
Al Bore
Recounts, 537
What do you
a fish with no
A fsh
and formerly stalked by Makadia,
will open for Lopez with songs from
his upcoming CD "Songs from an
Alien."
The Berhend Concert Committee
is currently accepting applications for
Lopez's personal fashion consultant.
Applicants must prove to be agile
with duct tape and silicone.
Lopez will perform April 19 in the
ARC at 8 p.m. Tickets are free to all
Behrend students and their
illegitimate children. Tickets will cost
$l.OO for legitimate children, staff/
faculty, and the public. Beer and jello
shots will be provided at the door for
all students under 21. The concert is
8.Y.0.8. for those of age.