fi H !>! (ii<!'Nl) BIACON FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 9,2001 Transitions? We don’t need no stinking transitions! JB Untitled 21 ■V Ben Kundman ■HUH editors I columnist The following article is meaner and more cynical than anything l have written to date. The reason for my anger is 18 straight hours of classes and homework, which netted me a mediocre grade on my math test and a nearly completed CAD drawing. The only breaks 1 had today were to occasion ally stop at a mirror and admire the chiseled physique of that upper middle class white trash hunka hunka burning love we 've all grown to love. With that in mind, / would like to offer an advance apology to anyone bigger and/or tougher than me, and a big “SCREW YOU, BUDDY!" to anyone who's butt 1 could deliver a whipping to (mostly children and small domesticated animals.) “Why are all of your articles lists?” is quickly approaching “Do any of your articles have a point?” is the question most often asked by my readers. Why do I use lists? With lists, you need no transition. I thereby present to you, the reader, my list of occupations that suck. THE ICE CREAM MAN - Ice cream men invariably possess vast collections of child pornography. If they weren’t a pedophile before, they will soon become one due to the subliminal messages hidden within the incessant chimes blaring from the Ice Cream Van’s loudspeaker. DOCTORS AND WEATHER- FORECASTORS - While my budget dictates that I can subsist only on “Beast” Ice and foods in the genre of “helper,” these shmoes get six plus figures for making guesses, and woefully inaccurate guesses at that. First: Doctors. Have you ever heard a Doctor definitively say what’s wrong with you without a test? Usually they just say “it looks like...” and then “we’re going to try this.” YOU WERE IN SCHOOL LONGER THAN I WILL BE. THAT IS A VERY LONG TIME. AT LEAST MAKE SOME THING UP. TELL ME I HAVE SCURVY. I REALLY DON’T CARE. Weather Forecast ers: The only things they can consistently get right are the current conditions. Amaz ingly enough, anyone with a windsock and a thermometer can duplicate these same results. Pit the Magic Eight Ball against the 10-day forecast any time, and my money is on the magic eight ball. ANYONE WITH THE WORDS “HELP’ or “SUPPORT” BEFORE OR AFTER THEIR JOB TITLE - People who work at “help” desks are merely lackeys slowing you down from wasting their managers’ time. After being on hold for two hours, you finally can talk to the manager, who proceeds to tell you the equivalent of “screw you, screw you, we don’t care, screw you. Thank you, come again.” LAWYERS AND USED CAR SALES MEN - (A brief note: when I say “lawyer” I mean the Edgar Snyder-esque personal injury lawyer who jumps at the chance to help you sue your Grandma for the horren dous gas and ensuing mental trauma her pot roast caused last year). Personal Injury lawyers are often so ashamed of their profession that they tell their friends and family that they are drug dealers. Used car salesmen are merely lawyers who couldn’t pass the bar. ANYONE WHOSE JOB COMPRISES ENTIRELY OF COMMUNICATING THROUGH A TINNY LOUDSPEAKER - These people spend their days spreading misery and their evenings gargling marbles. People in the travel industry (subways, airports, train stations) have contests to see who can have the LEAST number of pages responded to per year. Drive-Thrus are like the crooked nursing homes they used to show on 20-20. The workers all act like Andrew “Dice” Clay with hemorrhoids, there are no napkins, the french fries are cold, and if you ask for any changes, they spit in your food. TELEMARKETERS - Considering how long they can speak without holding their breath, telemarketers could easily become Navy Seals if they could only pass a drug test. I wish telemarketers would sell something useful, like beer and pizza. Imagine sitting on your couch at 4.30 A.M. watching “Honey, I Shrunk the Kids when out of nowhere Little Caesar s calls and asks you if you want a Large Pepperoni and a sixer of the beast! Kundman ’s column appears every three Tell us what you Send a letter to the Editor! Send all letters to: behrcoll2@aol.com Dr. Laura, the true biological mistake I am a biological mistake. At age 12, my parents divorced. It was decided by the courts of law that I was to live with my father; my mother moved out of state. So yes, I am a mistake. But why? Because Dr. Laura says so, of course. Dr. Laura Schlessinger, a radio talk show host turned television personality has taken on the role of the purity god. She manages to insult everyone, yet still has a religious following large enough to beat out the Mosque visitors each year. These women, generally middle-aged cranks who have nothing better to do during the day, sit in their living rooms with smirks on their faces, nodding away at what they believe to be pure genius. Rather, Dr. Laura’s ‘genius’ is pure bigotry. Her ideals and views of the society may Stop your whining! jjMMPIt things that we have to be thankful for. mk, 0/z YOU We’re alive, we’re in college, and we ■PMFpW , ’ f have the Behrend Beacon to read at Dldn t KtlOW? our convenience! What else could Karl Benacci we possibly need? l’m sure that most mdividuals know of one extremely person to every single possible thing that could be wrong ■HHHHIHBHHHi with their life. Question: what goes on in your mind when this person is on one of their whiny rampages? Well, when I am subjected to their babbling, I feel the urge to scream “Shut up! You’re bringing us all down!” However, I usually smile at them and pretend that I’m delighted at what they have to say. One question that I often ask myself is “I wonder if I am this annoying when I’m negative?” Well, the answer to that question is most likely yes! So what can be done to whoop negativity’s butt? Well, there are two things that a person needs to do to escape the evil clutches of negativity. So what’s wrong with your life? Is your car a piece of junk? Are you flat out broke? Did your dog die? Has your significant other dumped you right before Valentine’s Day? Come on, tell me what’s wrong with your life, you know you want to! Why is it that so many of us shower ourselves (and others) in negativity? It seems as if most of society enjoys wallowing in their own self pity. I will admit, I am one of these people, however, I am desperately trying to turn myself into a more positive person. At any rate, negativity sucks (talk about ironic!). But why do so many of us feel the need to have a negative attitude? There really isn’t a need, is there? Think of all the Fighting over something with your triends? Want to see it debated in the newspaper? Send us your idea* and we will debate it in our think! have been acceptable in the 19505, but it isn’t even the 1900 s Attitude Problem anymore. If two parents are not _ . able to provide a loving home for Faige Miles their children because of the copy editor *Hot Debate 99 ot the weeh discussion l behrcott2@aol.com EDITORIAL constant fighting and wars between them, is it right for them to stay together because it’s the “right thing to do”? Is it better that a hostile environment is created in which a child learns that hatred is ok? According to Dr. Laura, robbing a child of a father through methods such as divorce (and unmarried motherhood, among other things) is a crime to the moral America. But if the mother is unmarried, and chooses to have an abortion, she is a sinner. If she has the child and a father isn’t present, she is again a sinner who should be condemned to the depths of hell. What’s the solution? The easy answer is abstinence, but let’s be real. Gay rights groups protest and boycott her show (currently on at 3 p.m. on NBC) for absolutely ridiculous comments she has spewed out of her disgusting mouth. At one point, Dr. Laura said that “gays are a biological mistake.” Dr. Laura’s morals are all based on the Christian Bible, verbatim. However, though common morals and ethics preach not to judge others, Dr. Laura feels that it is her right to bash gays. Yes, ‘The Hot Debate of The Wrestling with balls? Wi!l the new XFL football league be accepted by sports fan s ? Sure, maybe the talent isn’t there. Maybe some of the athletes are a little old and washed up or just NFL draft rejects. Saying that some of the linemen are embarrassingly overweight would be an understatement and saying that the quarterbacks’ accuracy wasn’t bad would be a compliment. But no “true" football fan, a fan that sits in one’s making Agfp ftJMeAs or players, M anticKtHk iHhiJßould be disappoiMd. Vince McMahon didn’t lie when he promised “real” football. You have cheer leaders in the stands, microphones in the huddles, interviews cast over the loudspeakers so players can talk smack, no fair catches and for god’s sake, cameramen running circles around the quarterback...on the field! Probably the best part of the game deals with the player salaries. Are you sick of hearing about the ridiculous contract signings of NFL players? In the XFL, you get paid if you win. Not if you make a fancy catch or highstep to the endzone. And not if you’re just profitable for a shoe company. Success ful teams pay their players more. So highstep all you want in the XFL, just be sure you win. Whether you like it or not, the XFL matches today’s society more than the NFL. People want hard hits and rules that encour age big hits. They want athletes playing football because they love to play football, not because they want big checks. Sure, some people might be offended and they will flip the channel, but true fans of the game will watch. It’s football. And it’s football played the way it was meant to be played. Every week, two editors from the staff will debate a she has freedom of speech, but freedom of bigotry and stupidity? And still, she is worshipped. She has even gone as far as to suggest that homosexual teachers should not be allowed in elementary or high schools because it is an indirect form of sex education. Maybe I just skipped that day, but karma sutra was never taught in any of my secondary school classes, regardless of the teacher’s sexual preference But let’s talk about Dr. Laura’s credibility. Does she really have the right to preach her morals to the naive portion of America? Yeah, ok, there is that whole amendment thing allowing her to shoot off her mouth. ‘Dr.’ Laura isn’t even licensed as a doctor. She has no certificate from any university stating that she is an expert in a) morals b) psychology c) religion or d) being a wench. What kind of demented witch walks around calling herself ‘doctor’ anyhow? Of course, there are other words, much much more colorful words that can be used to describe her, but the Beacon editor-in chief prefers we don’t use those terms. In another scenario of hypocrisy at its best, Dr. Laura was caught with her pants down —literally. In a recent show, she made rude comments degrading a photo The first thing that can be done is not to harp on things. This basically means that the individual needs to forget about all of the bad things that are happening to them. Thinking about a bad test or an argument will not put an individual in the greatest of moods. Moving on, however, and thinking of more positive things will put the person in a more positive mood. The second thing that an individual can do to kick the negativity habit is for them to have fun! Yes, it’s that simple. How many of you remember the movie The Shining ? The movie starred Jack Nicholson, who went insane because he didn’t have any fun in a hotel that he was caring for (the fact that he befriended an evil ghost didn’t help either). If Jack had partaken in fun in that hotel, then he might not have been typing the phrase “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy” for days on end. We all need a certain degree of fun in our lives. If we don’t, we’ll be in a bad mood. It’s as simple as that. I have another question.. .how many people enjoy hanging out with negative people? I think that it’s a safe bet to say that there are very few people that eniov What’s the difference between the football players that play in the XFL and the football players that play in the NFL? It can be summed up into one sentence; NFL football players have talent. The XFL is by no means the First football league to challenge the NFL. Some failures The XFL prides itself on having tough nosed football players that make less money than the average American citizen. What does this mean? It means that the XFL shells out as little money as possible to acquire their players, which explains why the talent level is so low in the XFL. The “stars” of the XFL, which include Tommy Maddox and Rashaan Salaam, were complete and utter failures when they played in the NFL. Yet the XFL attempts to belittle the NFL, by calling NFL players overpaid babies that live their lives with no financial woes. But honestly, would America rather watch an exciting game that has overpaid players or a boring game that has underpaid players? Exactly! People don’t care about what players are paid; they care about how enjoyable a game is. The XFL is a total facade. They have teams with scary names, like the San Francisco Demons and the Memphis Maniax, and the players talk loud and act tough, but where are the hard hits and the big plays? The truth is, Americans will only pay to watch professional football. In time, the XFL will be added to the list of failed football leagues. topic that is hot. Students, faculty and staff are lend ideas to behrcoll2@aol.com of Barbara Walters in a sexy bathrobe. (I can’t believe I just used ‘sexy’ and ‘Barbara Walters’ in the same sentence.) In turn, on The View, Walters made a point to mention the nude pictures taken of Dr. Laura during an affair a few years back. Again, what right does this ‘Dr.’ have to preach? All hope to take down the Doctor is not lost, though. At last check, over eighty companies, many prestigious, had agreed not to advertise during the Dr. Laura time slot. Instead, commercials featuring weight-loss products that not only make you rich but also slice and dice bananas are shown. The over eighty companies refuse to promote or even be associated with the absolute blasphemy of Dr. Laura’s words. Yes, eventually Dr. Laura will go off the air like all stale talk-show hosts. Until then, America has a group of supposedly moral hypocrites wandering around telling everyone else what’s right and decent. It’s simply annoying. I suggest to everyone who agrees with me to send Dr. Laura nasty email expressing modem and just views. (Don’t bother posting on her message board—they remove any nasty comments about her.) Down with the Doctor. Miles’ column appears every three weeks. doing this. How many people enjoy hanging out with fun and lively people? Exactly! People like to be around positive people. It has been like that since day one, and I think that it will always be like that. That alone is more than enough reason to be a positive person. We all have the choice to go through life as a negative or positive person, and it’s our choice to choose which kind of person we’d like to be. Which will you choose? None of us will live forever (please omit if you happen to be Dick Clark or Cher), so why not live live positively? I’m not trying to ensure that all people are negative. I know some wonderful people that make the best of every situation. They deserve to be appreciated for their wonderful outlook on life, and all negative people could learn a lot from them. I hope that you all picked up something positive from my editorial and I hope that you all have a good Valentine’s Day! Benacci’s column appears every three weeks. i i A Week’
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers