"It's from the man up Behrend Li e... p Am m ilb ilb 7"/" i .....; v . , 1 : , , •. 41/ ...;..,. _..-.....: - . , --) 4 ' 41 ~., l ,i ....., .. , .. , ___ , i*A* ~ 4 0- I ,•:aj'''' ,4 .•-• ~4, 00,, ~.4 -41 / 9 . 1 ;1 • ' ' ) 7 , ~ . p l ii, 1 ' , r• 1,,,,,;/ . 40 • I , i l .17,1 '' ' 11 11 VI r [ N l i i• , ii i t) i 7 / 1 1 i \\ ‘ ,1 i G• A' \ k \VI i \\, Figuring he couldn't do it alone, John called in the Pied Piper, who helped get rid of the pests in his dorm room, by sending them off the New Survey The preliminary results are in, folks! Math majors have larger reproductive organs than any other group of people. A study performed by the Behrend Institute of Genetics for Member Extracting and Testing (8.1. G. M.E.A.T.) has revealed that males between the ages of 18 and 25 who are enrolled in a college math program are 82.3% more likely to have a larger penis than a male in a different major. 8.1. G. M.E.A.T. has further shown that not only are these monstrous math majors better equipped, they also have a higher level of romantic stamina. How was this study performed? The 8.1. G. M.E.A.T. staff spent weeks combing the college campuses of Erie County with clipboards, rulers and dirty magazines. Subjects were asked their age, major, minor, relationship status, and penis size. They were then asked to step over to the side of the walk-way and pulled out their unit for verification. Why was this study performed? "We're sick of being laughed at," says Eugene Mathgeek (name has been changed), 6th semester Math major. "It's time people discovered that beneath my pocket protected shirt, just below my cracked vinyl belt, there is something bigger than most, and it DEMANDS respect!" Dr. Gloria H. Ole (Ph.D., Male Anatomy) foUnder and president of 8.1. G. M.E.A.T., exclaims, "Nobody knew the truth! when I was in college, my blond creative-writing major friends couldn't understand why I quit the cheerleading squad and started dating Math boys!" Dr. B. I. Gone (Math Research), head liaison for 8.1. G. M.E.A.T., says, "We now know I'm swingin' more than a pencil, so people should take my math research more seriously." Was it difficult getting cooperation from subjects? "It depends on the temperature that day. No one wants to pull out their puppy in the middle of a snow storm." says Hugh G. Rection, senior Math major and president of the student intern division of 8.1. G. M.E.A.T. "And I'm not only the President, I'm also a subject!" Why would people want to participate in a study that requires them to show their private regions? "The psychological profile of a math major is quite simple," states Sue Gorgeous, Behrend's counselor. "They've had a secret desire their whole life to publicly whip out their tool, but they've suppressed that desire by hiding it (the desire) behind a calculator." m, 1 Gorge. By Stu D. Inmore Collision Columnist Since the study was released, there have been some startling occurrences. An usually high number of male students at Behrend have changed their major to Math, while yet a higher number are lying to prospective girlfriends and boasting about their large understanding of mathematics. Sales of math text books and math supplies have quadrupled at the bookstore, leaving Barnes & Knobles with only liberal arts crap on their shelves. Cheerleaders • and size-queens from around the globe are flocking to Behrend, lustfully waiting outside the doors of math classes. Male athletes have been wasting valuable jock time in the locker room attempting to brag to each other about their wondrous mathematical background. And since none of them have a damn clue about any of it, they can pretty much bullshit each other and none of them are any more wiser! The adult bookstore on State Street has just announced plans for renaming some of the items in the adult toy section. The Mathematical Intruder and The Tasty Integrator are just a few. What does 8.1. G. M.E.A.T. plan to d) next? "From personal experience, I've always suspected that math girls, though homely and rather nerd-like in appearance, are secretly quite good at making their guy smile," says Dr. Shawna Takemedown (Math, Chemistry, biology, and General Science), special faculty advisor for 8.1. G. M.E.A.T. "We're in the process of developing experiments that will accurately reveal whether or not math girls are better than blond cheerleaders." What will they find out? We'll just have to wait and see. Meanwhile, I'd like to ask my readers their opinions: 1) Males and Lesbians: do you think math girls are better? Is your answer based upon personal experience or a nation-wide taste test? 2)Female cheerleaders: do you think you're better than math girls? 3)Female math majors: do you think you're better than blond chicks? 4)Non-math males: are you embarrassed that you have a small unit, or do you think the first study was fixed? Please send your responses to StuDlnmore®aol.com. Thank you! Please join me next week, when I'll be talking about Modern Day Nazis" the Secret Life of Dean Lilly. Y moo— . 0 . 411, - • %.. .. .?, . 104 "I remember when the teachers' lounge was a lot more laid back." by Mike DeSantis Ask the experts Dear Collision, Since Valentine's Day, I've noticed some changes in myself, and my friends. Being dateless on Valentine's Day this year, my friends and I decided to eat at Dobbins Dining Hall, For dinner that night was spaghetti and Milano Sauce. Before then I considered myself sexually restrictive, never having progressed passed the proverbial "first base," Since Valentine's Day however, I have had sex with countless partners. For me the Milano Sauce was some sort of aphrodisiac. What should I do?? Easy Rider We Lost by I. M. High Collision &off For the second consecutive year, Penn State-Behrend was snubbed by a larger school for being the nation's top partying college. According to the Princeton Review, Florida State University was deemed number one, Penn State-Behrend number two. Angered by these results, faculty and staff have begun taking matters into their own hands to ensure a top finish next year. Assistant professor of English Alan M. Parker was quoted as saying, "We're fed up with being simply a mediocre institute of inebriation and socialization. Sure academics have their place, but certain things should have priority; party on Nittany Lions." A student-faculty panel has been assembled to tackle this issue. Included in this panel are members of the various fraternities/sororities on campus, faculty members (mainly from the English department), and select students who's dedication to partying is above and beyond the proverbial call of duty. Some suggestions brought up by the committee are being drafted in a report to be given to Dean Lilly later this month; The first plan is the distribution of alcoholic beverages from the R.U.B. desk in the Reed Building. Students will be able, and are encouraged to, purchase these beverages before, as well as after class, to ensure complete intoxication for the duration of the school day. Drinks such as cocktails and beer by the tap will be purchasable by simply using the traditional meal plan points from students' I.D. cards. Another suggestion is changing the school mascot from the beloved Nittany Lion to a forty-ounce bottle of malt liquor named Boozer. Boozer will be present at all athletic events, during parents and family weekends, and will make a special appearance in the presence of key-note speakers. Behrend II I Yesterday, at 3:30 p.m. three people were allegedly seen driving away in a BIG red truck towing one of the Behrend Annex buildings behind the Science Building. The alleged thieves are armed and dangerous and may be carrying copies of newspapers. The eldest of the three is a professor at Penn State - • Behrend. Shown below displaying a stolen plaque (taken during the heist from Dr. Roger Knacke's office), Mrs. Cathy Mester recently disappeared and has not been seen since April 1. The other two, a young man severely addicted to alcohol and a young woman are not students and are suspected to have been kidnapped by Mester.. Anyone with any informatic - .de , - :all Tit( Cr" Dear Easy, I say, why stop a good thing. I'm sure you've met a lot of really nice people over the last couple of months, and you have the makers of the Milano to thank. My advice is, get some to go next time, it's going to be a long hot summer. -John Well Easy I hope that you are protecting you and your partners, as you go on this Debbie does Erie type sex spree. As long as you are careful, and you want to be doing this go ahead. If you don't like yourself this way then stay away from the Milano Sauce and go with the Creamy Mushroom instead. ---Mike wants the word to get out that Wesleyville knows how to party, and so do we. The final topic raised is the introduction of new campus intramural sports catered to the non-athletic students on campus. Sports such as team beer-bong races and shot-a-thons, where students try to not become comatose by doing shots of whiskey for several hours, and the jewel crown, the alcoholic obstacle course, to be held during the annual battle of the bands. This competition is restricted to seniors and fraternity brothers, due to their obvious consumption experience through years of, well, consumption. Participants will be required to make various cocktails, drag a weighted dummy out of a car, and into his room, symbolizing a passed out classmate, as well as binge drinking. Applications are available at the R.U.B. desk beginning April sth. The campus as a whole seems quite optimistic for a victory next year, due to the already existing foundation of partiers. But there is.always more to be done. I suggest each student 'carry his or her own share to make this campus great. I mean, what does Florida State University have that Penn State-Behrend doesn't? Besides immaculate weather, clean, safe beaches to spend one's free time, and twenty-seven thousand more students, the two are pretty much the same (oh yeah, their football team won the national championship this year, big deal!). So next year at this time, I want to hold my head high and be able to say that at Penn State-Behrend, people might not go to classes, or use their damaged brains very much, but we party every night likes it's 1999. Strive to be number one!!! Addiction By I. M. Fool Collision Staff There is a growing trend on campus which could he an indication of a nationwide trend. I have noticed this trend cropping up occasionally at social functions which I attend with students from campus. There seems to be an increase in the usage of saffron at Behrend. I was recently at a dinner where the majority of the dishes called for the use of saffron. Since saffron is pound for pound more expensive than cocaine, the dishes at the dinner were served without this delicious spice. the diners were disappointed, and as the night wore on I witnessed an increase in bizarre behavior which had little or nothing to do with the amounts of beer which were consumed.. The signs of saffron addiction are suspiciously similar to the signs of inebriation. When a person is under the influence of saffron he or she experiences a feeling of well-being. The feeling soon passes as the effects of the saffron wear off. In the final stages of addiction the person experiences feelings of anxiety and paranoia which cause the person to think that he or she is going crazy. Since I have seen the actions of my companions as they experienced saffron withdrawal, I have been keeping a close watch on students here at Behrend campus. Students seem almost desperate for an opportunity to "buy" the stigma. They furtively talk in low voices as they make their deals in remote corners of the Academic building. I have heard on good authority a favorite place for these poor souls to meet and obtain their spice is the Library. The Library seems to be the ideal space for illegal transactions. It is remote, large, and the lack of books allows the transgressors plenty of opportunity to observe the arrival of authorities and to make a hasty escape into the Computer Lab.. I have also noticed students who seem to be making "deals" in the parking lots on campus. They huddle together in a group muttering phrases like "What a cool color!" , "I can't wait to cook my rice pilaf.", and "You're rippin' me off, man! This is turmeric!". I am writing this to make the Behrend community aware of this potential epidemic. We need to start looking for signs from our fellow students which indicate they have a "yellow" problem. Keep a sharp eye on those students who move listlessly through the halls, oiffling incessantly, and seem to have strange yellow substance adhering to the corners of their mouths and staining the palms of their hands If you see a student who exhibits these characteristics either take him or her to dinner and order rice pilaf or call Campus Security to report this strange behavior. But beware, because you . could be exposed to this hideous : : addiction and find yourself spending the . . rest of your life in up-scale restaurants • consuming mass quantities of the substance. We will be able to tell you are addicted when the palms of your hands and gradually the rest of your body turns a sickly yellow. We must stamp out this nasty habit now, before the smokers discover it and adopt it as their new method of addiction.
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers