Thursday, February 8, 1996 etting Together Dear Judith and James, I've become ctose friends with a giri that lives in my dorm. Wc study together almost every night and go to the movies once in awhile on weekends. I really enjoy her and think I love her. Td like to take the relationship the next step (and I think die would too) but I'm afraid te if we become ronantic and sexualilll rain our wonderful friendship. J.W.S., Washington Many people share your concern. They're afraid they wont be able to manage the various demands an intimate relationship makes on two people. But, like anything else, that's simply a matter of experience. No one knows fa certain how they will behave when their relationdrip expands. You'D have to learn by doing. Unfortunately, many people build their relationships on faulty assumptions. They believe that care and attraction will only survive as long as they keep everything in place, neat and tidy, controlled and safe. Well, ldatkmdiips aren't like that. A good, fulfilling retariandrip is one hat grows and changes. It's nrnured by ongoing discoveries and personal realbadons. Much ofthat cannot be predicted. So, should you take the next step, you’ll have to step, at least in part, right into he unknown - and that's scary. Of course, it can be very eedting, as well! While there are significant differences between the intimacy of studying together and becoming a couple, what remains the same is the openness and trust that springs from honest, revealing communication. Assuming you make he decision to expand the possibilities of your relationship, you must be respectful of your personal dfferenoe&, wlridt will increasingly surface. While'tbey can be confusing ot threatening, they can also be delightful and enriching. The trouble arises when they lead to conflict. But conflict doesn't have to be destructive. Quite the contrary, the conflict of differences can be very rewarding, challenging you boh to grow and flourih. But, you must be able to separate your student idertities and responsibilities from the rest of your time together. More to the point, people who have difficulty being boh frierxjs and lovers lack a strong enough sense of self to dearly define their two distinctly different relationships. Not only can't they separate romartic intimacies from the requirements of school, they don't even know that such distinctions are possible. Then, of course, they have good reason to fear mixing the two. If you two choose to deepen your connection you'll need to talk about differentiating your school life from your romantic/sexual involvement. That will be a valuable lesson for you both. We understand your concern. We've been married and have worked together for ova eight years. We travel nationally and internationally [Resenting our REAL LIFE LOVE relationship trainings and maintain our office in our home. Many people have told us they would never be able to spend so much time with their mates. We work well together because we're secure enough in our own identities to not worry about who's doing more work, ot who last did the grocery shopping. We know we're both equal contributors and have each other's well being and our company's best interest in mind. Also, and this is fundamertal, we understand that every experience we have together, even the worst fights, contains the baas for personal and mutual growth. That way, all facets of our rdationdip are ultimately valuable We understand that the annoyances, dsagreements, hurt feelings, fears or confusions caused by our tfifferences are natural and rmial-not evidence that we are''wrong" for each other. Every relationship worth being part of will evoke discomfort from time to time. There's no such thing as a "conflict free" relationship when mie intimacy is present. Love holds lessons for all of us. It's never a free ride. Whether your relationship blossoms into a permanent, committed band aril's simply a fun pan of college life, there's no way to be intimately involved without bong challenged to grow and change. There can be vast treasures available when this is the case. As your intimacy deepens, your differences can become major assets, providing differing points of view, unique talents and expertise, enabling you to help one another not jua academically, but also emotionally and psychologically as well. We encourage you to tale the risk of finding out if your friend has feelings similar to your owa Even if ste doesrt you will be stranger for having revealed your desire. Let us know what happens. Husband and wife team, Judith Sherven, PhD. and James Srriechowski, PhD., are intanarionafly recognized gender and idationriip experts. Send your questions or comments to hem at 12021 WHshirc Blvd. #692, Los Angeles, CA 90025 ore-mail address: ShenrSrriec@AOL.com. They will respond either in "Getting Together 1 ' or by return mafl. You can leam more about them and download a free atide from their World Wide Web Home Page at jmaffl.com/Magic_Of_ttffeiences/ Opinion John Says, “Be Nice.” We supposedly live in an age of tolerance and consideration, but do we really? Whenever you go on campus or around town it seems as if everyone is only thinking of themselves. They arc always acting like they would perfer to do their own thing without taking into consideration how other people are affected. People routinely throw their garbage out the windows or their cars and expect other people to clean up after them. Hey, I plead guilty, but we have to start taking into consideration how we affect other people. If I have one pet peave it must be profanity. Do people really need to say f@*& this and *&%s that? If this university needs to control any language it would have to be profanity. All anyone does when they use profanity is show what idiots they are. What ever happened to manners? Would it be too hard to say please and thank you, or I’m sorry? You know that a little kindness goes a long way. Do you know that person that drives you nuts? If you went up to them and said something nice it would probably make their day. If you eat up in Dobbins be considerate to your fellow students and clear off your trays. Seeing that you care enough to clean up after yourself would just make their day. Some of the greatest people are others-centered. Mother Teresa of Calcutta is beloved because she cares for other people before she cares for herself. Who will mourn for a self-centered person? Make your life evolve around other people. Seeing other people benefit from your selflessness is more rewarding than any fix of alcohol or sex. Self-centered pleasures are only temporary, but others-centereed pleasures last and last. If you help the elderly or the weak they will return your kindness in many ways. You must know the real pleasure of helping others. How are you helping society by smoking pot, drinking alcohol, or sleeping around? Do you want to be part of the problem, or part of the solution? The greatest way to live your life is by placing others first and yourself last. The rewards are immeasureable. Isn’t it great to hear he’s or she’s such a kind and considerate person rather than he or she is so selfish. Is your life one that revolves around self or one that wants to give to help other people? If you care about other people help them when they are down. Consider the effects of your actions upon other people. Clean your language up because alot of people find profanity inconsiderate. Try to think about other people before you think about yourself. Valentine’s Day. That special day of the year devoted to lovers for, what I feel is, the mere sake of causing everyone else to recognize you love for another. Well, isn’t that just grand. Letting those of us who don’t really care nor have a love of their own know all about you and your “honey.” You, dancing around on air, your head in the clouds, and your notebook filled with doodles of hearts. Spare me. Although yes, I too celebrated in Valentine festivities, I always remembered those who didn’t, or at least, those Who couldn’t Because you know why? I was once one of them. One of those hopeless, miserable, endlessly searching for love with all the wrong people type of person. We’ve all been one of them. Sure, I loved being single and dating freely, but when it came down to it, I never really knew what true love was until one day-POOF! There it was, and it was the greatest, most beautiful, sweetest thing alive. I danced on air, I drew hearts, I laughed and I sang. I’m sure I was intolerable to others; it sickened me at times. Then slowly, but surely, I dragged along, I stopped writing hearts, I cried and I wept. Now the love is gone and I’m empty without it; I know what it’s like. I’m not trying to tell a sob story or make those of you who can relate to this hurt even more than you already do. My point is simply this: there shouldn’t have to be only one day to honor love, it should be an honor to love and be in love, everyday, whether it be love for your wife or love for your parents. For those of you who are experiencing the time of your life, go ahead, live it up, enjoy and savor every moment, but do me and the other single people out there a favor - have some consideration for us. But most of all, never take love for granted because one day- POOF! It might be gone. Trust me, I know. V-Day Angst John Rossomondo Collegian Staff by Mary Began Collegian Staff Page 7
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