Page 6 The Behrend College Collegian Published weekly by the students of The Pennsylvania State University at Erie. The Behrend College Editor in Chief Jennifer V. Colvin Business Manager Jennifer Heilman News Editor Danielle Murphy Sports Editor Nick Zulovich Assistant Sports Editor Julie Stocker Entertainment Editor Joe Mottillo Photography Editors Sheila Bickel Joe Stiller Opinion Editor Chad Clouse Advertising Manager Jeremiah Bull Copy Editor Michelle Gruendl Advisor Mrs. Cathy Master Collegian Staff: Mary Began, Ryan Bogart, Richard Casey, Crystal Dehart, Brian Fisher, Doreen Foutz, Nicole Gennuso, Brian Gregory, John Hafner, Bryan Harkins, Tom Keefe, Kyra Kindon, Adria Kovaly, Steve Landon, Gina Leone, Adam levenstein, Heather Me Mahon, Sarah Melchiorre, Sharain Naylor, Matt Plizga, Colette Rethage, John Rossomando, Joe Ryan, Tamara Scuiley, Sean Siekkirten, Erie Smith. Photographers: Tina Askins, Brian Chamock, Brian Fisher, Colleen Gritzen, Bob Mfeufich, Chris Nelson. Postal Information: TheCotlegiank published weekly by the students of The Pennsylvania State University at Erie, The Behrend College; First Floor, The J. Elmer Reed Union Building* Station Road, Brie, PA 16563. 814-898-6488 or 814-898-6019 fax. ISSN 1071-9288 Letter Policy: The Collegian encourages letters on news coverage, editorial content and University affairs, letters should be typewritten, double-spaced and signed by no more than two persons. Letters should be no longer than 400 words. Letters should include the semester standing and major of the writer. All letters should provide the address and phone number of the writer for verification of the letter. The Collegian reserves the right to edit letters for length and to reject letters. Letters submitted to The Collegian become the property of the newspaper. The Collegian is published every Thursday during the academic year on recycled paper. Relationship License by Sharain Sasheir Collegian Staff Relationships. We all know something about these. They are everywhere, all over the place, in your face. No kidding. It’s true. Even if you are not in one they still affect you. If you breathe, they will come to you with their relationship, ask you to listen, and then want you to give them magical, relationship-proof advice. Some of us feel we know relationships so well, with think we created the damn things (nobody goes to those types because they usually aren’t in a relationship and never had a good one as far as we know). So what do the rest of us, who are not really looking (but wouldn’t mind one), and those of us beginning a relationship, do in this overpopulated relationship circus? We all get relationship licenses. Think of how many problems it would solve in a relationship. First, with this certificate you can buy a frame and hang it next to your other degrees, certificates and awards to fill any empty white spaces on the wall. Doesn’t that look impressive? You can find relationship registration cards anyplace there are restrooms (by Federal Law). Just put a quarter in this newspaper dispenser type device and take the registration packet for two or three or however many of you are in your group. And it takes less than five minutes to fill out and lick a postage stamp on it. It’s that easy. You’ll get your official relationship license in the mail in five to seven business days. License to be in a Relationship Government Form REL-A 1 " 1 - ? ! PURPOSE For wanting to be in; ach Partner Must Fill Out Card And All Should Be Submitted Together Licenses will become a social norm in no time. Everyone will want to have one. They will be easy to propose. Just imagine it You will go to the bathroom at that great Chinese place in the downtown plaza. You make sure everything is in working an presentable condition and grab one of the registration packets. With one more look in the mirror to shine your eyes, you’re ready. Put that one goofy hair back in place before you go back to your table. The waiter is taking orders so your significant-other(s) doesn’t notice the packet that you slide on the seat next to you. After everyone orders, you pour a cup of tea for those at your table and show your joy at being at your favorite Chinese restaurant. Then you say to your significant others) that you want to “send in the card.” You pull out the registration. Your other(s) gives an embarrassed, yet faked surprise and eagerly accepts. The waiter comes back with pens. You’re on your way to being licensed. With your license you’ll be able to get special discounts at stores from K-Mart to Spencers as long as you show your wallet sized picture identification relationship license. Also, you get discounts at restaurants just like your favorite Chinese place. Then there are discounted concert and amusement park tickets. You’ll be placed in special lotteries to win plane tickets to resorts all over the world. You just send in ten dollars per person when you register and you’ll get all of these great deals. The advantage is yours. The longer you stay registered, the more benefits you will receive. For instance, after six months all parties will receive a free toothbrush. After one year of commitment, you will all receive matching Opinion Big Dog T-shirts. During this time (as long as you are registered) your party will continue to receive the discounts mentioned above. Dial 1 -800-Get-AWAY Another advantage to registering your relationship is that you will receive free information on HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases. Depending on your current partner(s), all parties will receive the latest information concerning safer sex practices and contraceptive usage, all provided by the CDC. By now you might be wondering what happens if there is a break up. Simple. Just dial our toll-free number 1-800-GET AWAY. There is no charge for canceling your licence. An operator will ask >ou the reason for your license cancellation. There will be a record of this reason on file for all parties involved on the license. This way, if people are abusive, their file vill be suspended for a year. Acts of abuse will be on file as a warning for future pari icrs for at least three years. If the case is nurder, license privileges are revoked perm incntly. For matters of concern, the parties : ivolved need to send a copy of a police rci rrt sent to the same address as the registrat >n card. It’s that easy. There are no penalties for terminating a license. The people involved aren’t required to pay any reimbursements or any other such material transaction. After all, a relationship license is not a marriage license. No lawyers are involved. No court fees and embarrassing questions about They’ll be right next to the condom machine your sexual experiences will ever be asked. Everybody wins. It’s just that easy. This idea should appeal to those who are already involved in a relationship because of the great benefits. These discounts will provide you with things to do at affordable prices. By going out together, and spending quality braiding time, the parties will be able to get to know each other faster. You will be giving your relationship a fair chance. And don’t you and your partners) deserve that? Of course you do. So don’t forget to grab a registration form the next time you stop at a bathroom. They’ll be right next to the condom machine. Good luck. Thursday, January 25, 1996 What Rules? by Nikki Gennuso Collegian Staff Valentine’s Day is just around the comer. While some of us are less than thrilled about this prospect, others look forward to a day filled with flowers and lovesick looks shared with sweethearts. After pondering this, I remembered a question I’ve been asking myself all semester... What exactly are the rules for college dating? To me, college dating is a great mystery. It’s not like all of us have cars up here, so we have to find things to do on campus - pretty scary. So is watching “Friends” together on Thursday night, or going to parties together considered dates? Say you meet some really great guy or girl in one of your classes. You start hanging out with this person almost daily. You go to this person’s dorm room, suite, or apartment; You sometimes even sleep over, but are you dating? Okay, so it’s not dinner and a movie, but it means just as much. Often times things start turning sour at the root of all evil-parties! Weekends basically follow the same routine - go to a party, come home late, sleep, get up, go to another party. During these weekends rituals, you see people “hooking up” with someone different each party. Am I the only person left on campus who is looking for a great relationship? Here is a familiar scenario I’m sure you all have witnessed, or been a part of. The person you’ve been hanging out with for the past few weeks goes with you to yet another party. As you make your way through the door, your date heads for the dance floor and you head for the bar. After nearly suffocating in the hot, sweaty beer line, you make it into the party room, and search through the crowd trying to find the one you came with. You notice that your friends keep trying to deter you from one side of the room, and when you make it to the forbidden side you see his or her shirt. But wait...that can’t be. That person is attached to someone else. The very person you walked in the door with a mere half hour ago is pinned up against the wall doing strange pelvic gyrations with someone else. Hmmn.... What is this?!? This, my friends, is something that happens all too often. I’m sure all of you have seen the floods of girls in hysteric running to the bathroom, while loudly wailing about the guy who was supposed to be their’s. I’ve watched this happen over and over again, it’s even happened to me. The really stupid part about it, though, is that the same two people will walk in together the next week, and the same thing will happen! If someone out there has figured this whole college dating thing out. I’d really appreciate it if they’d let me know what it’s all about. For me, I think I’ll just keep looking for that one great guy, who knows, I might have already found him. But though most of you are sickened at the thought of a holiday meant to celebrate love and relationships, remember that you don’t necessarily have to celebrate a boyfriend or girlfriend. How about telling a friend how much they mean to you, or telling your parents that you love them.
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