S nu% rt4 . 5 l A. 2. 4 2.Q.1 i f& Anali arlynulVT ic**************************************************************************** Jane Insincere's Barren underwires Attention to all Tony Elliot's former students, who are still attending Behrend, are still required to see this semester's performance of the Imaginary Cockold and and write a review to be graded. Call the Office of Student Activities for more information. Notice: the Toronto trip has been cancelled, in place of the trip to downtown Toronto an alternative trip to downtown Harborcreek will be offered with sights to their only blinking light. Since, travelers will not be able to see the performance of Phantom of the Opera, the seventh grade Harborcreek performance of Little Mary Sunshine will be shown instead. Call the SGA office for more information. In consideration of the hard working seniors hem at Behrend, Dean Lilly is offering Kamikazee's with the Provost every day through the month of April to help any graduation gitters. Call the Office of Student Activities for more information. The Learning Assistance Center will be offering free tutoring sessions to all Barren students on Mixed drinks in the nineties. Students will learn how to mix their own drinks and throw wild parties in a quiet done room. This workshop is tutored by Peter Gzinya. For more information call the Office of Student Activities. The Career Developmen Center is offering a workshop series for the month of April on how to get a good job at any of the numerous prestigous resturants in Harborcreek on Buffalo Rd. including Coney Island in Wesleyville. For more information call the Office of Student Activities. The Health and Wellness Center is offering free samples of drugs and alcohol to those students who have shown up more than six times to the Center during the month of March. A fifth of wiskey will given as first prize to the student with the highest attendance record at the Center for this semester. Call the SGA office for more information Do you have poor grades, a high tolerance for drugs and alcohol, a bad attitude, involved in no extra curricular activities, and on the five year plus plain? Then stop in at the Glenhill Fann House to sign up for the Lazy Ass Scholarship. , Call the SGA office for mote information. STPLEN FROM ARABY %ff the hell is he still babblin VASE What By Queequeg pequati staff I lost track of time in deep sleep slated for time in cheap death and worry over how the loss of time is grated with deep rooted in sleep slap happy monkey hours cry in willows of guilt. Give me the bean bag Mr. Jones and I won't make you cry before you have too. The boat is sunk uptight down in greasy spools of thread film on Lake Erie. Danielle Murphy's law fake blue eyes and pulled space of memory. Gump is not worth it society's downfall crypts of old men in faded fashions gathered in well-lit bars happy hour at the park place is great millenium falcon is being chased by boba felt why didn't he die Elvis live • I YO • • 4 • >ir• a •• O A. • , • • it _ - After a long, drawn out investigation, the staff at The Behrend College Collision has found proof that Elvis Presley is still alive. Following several leads, our ace reporter, Imma Bigfan, headed to the Office of Student Activities. There Imma found the Director of Student Activities, disrobed in his office, and to her surprise, when he rimed around in shock, he was really Elvis. • The King has been working undercover here at Behrend for the last 5 Years. So if you want to touch a piece of history, or just say 'hi' to the man that made Blue Suede shoes a fashion statement, stop by the Office and drop into Chris Rizzo's (A.K.A. Elvis Presley) office.. He'd be happy to make your acquaintance. Pit of the beast being choked by metal and steel vomitting lashes of pitying smiles laugh at waste and cry at conservation we're all dead tomorrow there are no answers. It went down the drain of passion I don't care she don't care. Burroughs laughs when we surf on dirty tampaxs in the stream of sewage. Wasted education. I really hate wasting time. Collision with a frieght train of semen. Uncensored. Bite me. You can't hold me down with your cheap duct tape and your cheap van with nicotine stained windows. Dr. George told me to write freestyle with a skateboard in one hand and a bottle of Mad Dog in the other. Lost hope in either one. I can't ride for shit. Cheap drunk babble is Ginsberg's "America" I saw the Behrend 'ye lb - 0 alb • „W- . 0 Donl ask us the news editor is on one of his kicks. Usually he's good, but when he gets in these moods. Leave him alone. white whale that lost it in the swirling mass that left in the porcelain drain Ahab one leg hop do the twist in "Pulp Fiction" Uma is sexy. I don't care for Oconth. Letterman's stupid pet tricks, choke a beagel and watch its bulging eyes bulge a little more can't breath can't see can't "Howl" Penn State Behrend I've given you all and now I'm nothing. Penn State Behrend $2400 March 28,1995 Penn State Behrend I can't read can't sleep, can't eat, I'm strung out on ephidrene trying to write a thesis I can't comprehend to date no less than a god wielding swords of on the mad and "Native Son" "Pa strike the sun if it insulted me." Generation•X Mots bother me continued from page 1... bleeding to death in a cheap plastic chair in the waiting room. The forms were unfinished. Al. Gore was set to be sworn in today, but Hillary . has filed a formal complaint with the fashion police stating, "Anybody who dresses like Gore should not be President. Hell, he didn't even get a hundred dollar hair cut like me. I should be President; I was the one running the country anyway. Bill was just a front." The American people were shocked by the news that Hillary ran the country using Bill for a puppet, but agreed that Gore could use a fashion consultant. The popular talk show host, Rush Limberg, said about the whole thing, "Oh great, now Tipper will run the country." Students here at Behrend partied openly in the streets as the news broke on campus. A student who didn't want his name revealed ran up and down the campus shoutin 1, "Ding Don the witch This is ONLY aJOKE• •• . • • • Everything contained within this issue is purely ficticous. Nothing is true or factual. • All persons represented are purely • . .coinddenfal. • If you are offendedwrite to' us we might even prinflt. We hope you enjoy thittand*.cOmmentO are welcome. about???? and so does the pizza in the Gorge I hate the smell of barley but only before the fast one Behrend I don't laugh any more Police and Safety ticketed me in Dobbins lot I nearly got towed I lost the game of marbles and I failed the hourglass Forced air *discretion fabled lands with green fields field of gold stung with radiant butterflies Sing a song of myself and yourself and of themselves and let's all be friends I don't need anymore enemies the armies are out as it is and I don't care for text books James Joyce has killed me and don't understand his religion his focus but I can feel the pages in my hand crispy as they turn like sandpaper made of razors slicing my fingers into phrases. is dead." When asked who he meant, he said, "Hillary's going back to Hickdom." Hillary has made no plans to move out of the white house. She said in a press release this morning, "They'll have to drag me out of here." Later this afternoon, the CIA was seen dragging a screaming woman out of the white house and into a car. It was believed to be Hillary. It was also believed that she was drowned in the Ohio river hie an unwanted puppy. Gore was seen laughing as the car pulled away. In a press release by Gore, he said, "Next week, on the advice of my wife, Rock and Roll music will be outlawed." The Congress will fight the outlawing of all music, except Rap. Republican Arlene Specter was seen running up and down the halls of Congress shouting. "Ding Dong the witch is dead." She has also been sited running nude across the White House lawn.
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers