Page 8 Having a bulging burrito of lust A frank and mature discussion of recent survey There’s nothing wrong with sex-crazed dogs that attempts to discussing sex, as long as it’s done J ll31 ® ® ver y female dog or in a mature and tasteful fashion human limb or item of furniture "b«”t!Sa W “ haS '"IMPORTANT NOTE FROM healthylriological activity to.’ TOE LEGAL DEPARTMENT. In occurs routinely among organisms preceding paragraph, Mr. Barry in nature, especially monkeys, and is not suggesting that the secretly there’s no reason why we should be °f state has ever, to our knowledge, ashamed of our sexuality unless we attempted to have sex with are Sen. Bob Packwood. I say this furniture, not that Mr. Christopher because today’s column is going to * s in . an y literal sense a bulging be a frank and mature discussion of bumto, and we have the the recent scientific survey of photographs to prove it. Thank American sexual behavior. y° u - ... o IMPORTANT ADVISORY What about American women / FROM THE EDITORS: In dealing According to the survey, ortiy 19 with this topic, Mr. Barry will be percent of the women said they forced to use certain frankly mature think about sex on a daily basis. So sexual phraseology such as d*® question is, if the other 81 “throbbing” and “burrito,” so if you percent aren t thinking about sex, arc a remotely moral person such as what ARE they dunking about? the Extremely Rev. Pat Robertson, I’ ve discussed this question with you will stop reading this column some guys I know, and the only right here and now. Thank you. topic we could come up with is: You probably read about the sex sports. We figure that when survey. Approximately 3,500 women get together in those so randomly selected Americans were called “women’s groups,” they’re asked detailed questions about their actually running fantasy-football sexual behavior, and it turned out leagues, and the reason they don’t that 97 percent of them, within the invite us guys is they know we’d previous year, had had sex with never remember when it was our Madonna. turn to bring the refreshments. No, I’m kidding. It was only 93 The sex survey also produced some percent. But that was not the most reassuring findings regarding the surprising finding. The most frequency with which Americans surprising finding, ' have sex. You get the which I am not impression, from the making up, was that media, that this nation 54 percent of the men is just one big orgy; surveyed said they turn on the TV any think about sex daily. night, you’ll see That’s correct: 54 naked, glistening percent. bodies thrusting What can we conclude toward each other (and from this? We can that’s just Dan Rather conclude that the other and Connie Chung). 46 percent of the men So you probably think were lying. Because it is a that everybody else is more sexually known scientific fact that all men active than you are. But the think about sex a minimum of all reassuring truth, according to the the time and I include Secretary of survey, is that some people are State Warren Christopher in that actually having LESS sex than you: statement You see Warren on TV, Their names are Bud and Earlene Fiberhocker, and they are currently in full-body casts as a result of a trapeze-related mishap at a motel. Everybody else is having WAY more sex than you. And I include you spouse in that statement NOTE FROM THE PUBLISHER - Here at this newspaper we are dedicated to maintaining community standards as measured in gross advertising revenues, so if you were in any way offended by the frankness and maturity of this column, please send me a letter in writing, and I will send you, as a formal token of apology, a videotape entitled “Mr. Chuckletrousers Has a Big Night,” starring Warren Christopher. And Rev. Robertson, yours is already on the way. You get the impression, from the media that this nation is just one big orgy. and he always has the frowny, vaguely uncomfortable facial expression of a man who has just inadvertently swallowed a live weevil, so that on the outside he LOOKS like a serious government official thinking about foreign policy; but just beneath the surface of his dark diplomatic suit Warren is, trust me, a bulging bunrito of lust, no different from those small, -by Dave Barry— On/Ed United States at critical point in development Continuing violence poses danger for society Sometimes people do things that just don’t make sense. You know what I mean. When someone says they believe in one thing but do something that contradicts what they just said they believe in. I mean, How can you say you are pro-life and then turn around and condone a murder? It just doesn’t make sense. The religious foundation is found in the Ten Commandments. It is stated quite clearly that killing would be wrong. For years the debate between “Pro-Life” and “Pro-Choice” movements has been whether an unborn child is “alive” or not. Under present U.S. law, up until ending of another human life. It is a certain stage of a pregnancy the against the law to commit a murder, mother has the option of obtaining Abortions, no matter how you may an abortion. If she feels that she feel about them, are legal. If you can not give birth to the fetus, she feel that the American people agree can go to a clinic where she receives that abortions should be illegal, counseling before an abortion is then lobby to change the law. performed. If she still chooses to Don’t break another law in receive the abortion, it is HER retaliation, decision during the entire process, I personally could not make a not the doctor’s or his decision to have an abortion. But receptionist’s. that is the point, it is not mv The Ten Commandments also decision. My opposition to condemn thieves, adulterers, idol abortion is a result of my moral worship (that’s a whole different values. Ido not have the right to column). If the Catholic Church expect everyone else in society to and various other religious rights live by my standards. Hie are condoning murder as standards of this society allow for punishment for abortions; plain abortion doctors, can and simple, it is we expect similar the woman’s movement towards the choice, common thief? Or The major drive to better yet how many legalize abortions members of the was the women’s Christian faith are rights movement, guilty of adultery? I Do you really shudder at the thought think the women of the new and who fought so improved way of hard to achieve dealing with those who oppose the what they have so far are going to church or don’t follow it’s accept a huge step teachings; just kill them. backwards? Why don’t you ask The recent murders involving them? I would wager that you doctors and employees of doctors would receive a very emotional who perform abortions has brought response, out the hypocrisy that has been If the violence continues, the effects existing in the “Religious Right” on our society would be very forever. How can you justify detrimental to the modem civil murder? One may say that abortion rights movements. Civil rights is murder and therefore it justifies activists would be forced to defend the punishment inflicted by the John their positions against violent Salvi’s of the world. These are the people. They may even be forced same people who oppose capital into violence themselves. That’s punishment in this country. I when civil rights movements stop believe the argument would run being movements and become along the lines of God being the violent revolutions, judge of these people. So who appointed John Salvi as “judge, jury, and executioner?” Apparently, the Catholic Church. One bishop in New York was quoted as saying “people who perform abortions or work for those who perform abortions should expect to receive the punishment of God.” So is John Salvi now God? I think not. During die last political campaigns an unfortunate occurrence in South Carolina resulted in the deaths of two young children. Susan Smith is due up for trial soon for the murder of her sons. This tragedy was on the minds of many Americans during the election campaigns. Our new and beloved Speaker of the House, Newt Gingrich, said that it was the result of Democratic ideals and moral values. So Newt, who is to blame for the recent cold blooded murders of doctors dedicated to providing a safe means of abortion to the poor and otherwise non-Republican society? These murders were not a crime of passion. They were a pre meditated, cold and calculated Abortions, no matter how you may feel about them, are legal. The United States is at a critical point in its social development If the violence against law-abiding citizens is allowed to continue, it will spell disaster for years to come. —by Steve Landon — Thursday, January 19,1995
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