Page 6
Jim's Journal
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OUT ON A LIMB by GARY KOPERVAS
Your.Rez/Horoscope
by Ruby Wyner-lo
A.A.B.P-cenified Astrologer
Aries: (Mar. 21—Apr. 19) You
don't need to make yourself no
i :ed. You're hydroencephalic,
and you spout obscenities at will,
so you're hard to ignore.
Taurus: (Apr. 20—May 20) Your
artistic skills will come in handy
when you spray-paint "KKK" on
a local children's center.
Gemini: (May 2: June 21) Your
love life is flaring up—and so are
your hemorrhoids. Apply a
soothing ointment to the grape
fruit-like appendage that was
once your anus.
Cancer: (June 22—July 22) Your
future is so bright you'll try to
claw out your eyes.
Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22) Don't
overlook someone's romantic
intentions. Rod Milbrant, your
physics teaching assistant, has a
crush on you.
Vargo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22) You
will embark on an incredible
journey. Take plenty of
Braunschweiger.
Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23) A loyal
A 'propene,. beet;te"
FF PICKERING
(qllt7l
friend will surprise you with a
candid admission. From now on,
never trust anyone named Hitler.
Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21) Take
time to reflect on what an in-
credible moron you are.
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
The loss of loved ones will be
shattering to you after you kill
them.
Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
Your future begins today, as does
a painful bout with the clap.
Don't worry—it'll be fun.
Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
Open your mind to new ideas,
especially those involving paste
and empty potted -meat tins.
Pisces: (Feb. 19—Mar. 20) Bridge
the gaps of culture today with
understanding and acceptance.
Talk to some swarthy, greasy for
eigner.
Ruby Wyner-Io denies any affilia
tion with Dionne Warwick or oth
ers of her ilk
01993 Onion Features Syndicate
[Fuovri "WEIRD"
4111 . 11 CA I I
040
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Thursday, January 20, 1994
P. S. Mueller
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