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Entertainment
Meat, meat - man's gotta eat!
Jocks survive plane crash and do a bit of fine dining in Alive
by Sarah Mekhiorre
Collegian Staff
"Are we suppose to fly that
close to the mountains?"
questions one of the passengers
just seconds before his life is
changed forever. This may
sound a little dramatic, but
ALIVE, based on a true story
that shocked the world in the
early seventies, is as
emotionally powerful a film as
you are likely to see in a theater
this month.
It begins with a few small
bumps, just some minor
turbulence. A plane carrying a
South American rugby team and
some family and friends, hits
one of the many jagged peaks of
the enormous Andes Mountain
Range. The tail end of the
plane immediately breaks off
Un-Like a
virgin
Madonna stars in the steamy
new thriller, Body of Evidence
by Jennifer Toubakaris
Collegian Staff
What four words pop into
your mind when you think of
describing Madonna? How
about raunchy, sex, and poor
acting? Coincidentally, those
four words also come to mind
after seeing the new movie,
Body of Evidence, starring
Willem DaFoe and the Peroxide
Queen of Hollywood herself, as
it proves to be a masterpiece of
shit.
The plot of the story is very
unoriginal. A rich, old guy dies
of a heart attack and leaves eight
million dollars to his beautiful
lover (none other than Madonna
herself).
Madonna is then accused of
inducing his heart attack by
My advice: rent a porno instead
exhausting him t roug
strenuous and bizarre sex. Well,
if anyone could achieve this task
I guess it could be Madonna!
DaFoe enters the picture as
her attractive attorney.
Madonna eventually connives
DaFoe into participating in sex
with her (although she really
didn't have to twist his aim).
Next, the audience gets to
watch as Madonna pours hot
wax on DaFoe's body and "cool
him off" with champagne. The
old guy sitting behind me must
have found this amusing
because all I could hear was his
heavy breathing! Madonna then
precedes to tell DaFoe, "I fuck,
that's what I do." No, really?!!
Anne Archer plays the
deceased man's secretary. She
tells the jury that, "Men don't
marry women like her." Do
you blame them?
and passengers, most still
buckled in their chairs, are
sucked out of the plane,
screaming in terror as they crash
to the frozen earth to their
deaths. The lucky ones die, that
is.
Over the next ten weeks the
crash survivors will face nearly
insurmountable odds to get
rescued and, more importantly,
stay alive.
Tested not only by their
hostile surroundings and the
shock of the crash itself, they
are quickly traumatized by the
sight of their loved ones dying
before their eyes and the striking
realization that there will soon
be no food left.
ALIVE, directed by Frank
(Arachnophobia) Marshall, isn't
full of high-tech special effects
1 can't even understand why
two excellent actors such as
DaFoe and Archer would even
consider doing such a poor
movie, especially co-starring
with Madonna.
Her acting is about as bad as
her need to touch up her roots!
The only parts through the
movie that her acting was
actually convincing to watch
were the sex scenes, which
shouldn't surprise anyone at all!
DaFoe eventually gets in too
deep, almost sacrificing his
marriage and career. He vows
never to see Madonna outside of
business again, but just can't
seem to let go after watching
her masturbate. Whatever.. 9 ft I
After DaFoe wins the trial for
Madonna she delivers the line,
"The trial's over. You almost
convince'me. Obviously
DaFoe was acting because I
think he was the only person in
the theater who believed her
innocence.
The ending was the only part
of the movie that I enjoyed
because Madonna finally gets
what she deserves.
DaFoe's wife comes back to
him, but before she should take
him back he had better get an
AIDS test. After all, he slept
with Madonna.
This movie isn't worth
spending a dollar on. My
advice: rent a porno. You
could get the same effect and the
acting might even be a little
better!
As for Madonna, she should
stick to making music.
Although after her recent album,
Erotica, I'm not even sure of
that anymore.
or action sequences, as the
television trailers would
suggest. Instead, it focuses on
creating strong characters and
pulls you in through emotion.
Fernando (frequent snow
bunny Ethan Hawke) announces
"I just wanted to tell you my
sister is dead. I'll put her
outside with the others [the
dead) tomorrow, but for tonight
I want to hold her." The
survivors watched loves ones die
and could do nothing to stop it,
and the film's wonderful cast
helps us to identify with their
grief.
In today's society everyone
is concerned with individualism
and with competition. When
the rugby team is faced with the
hardest "game" they must play,
a game of survival, they begin
Yourie.a /Horoscope
PrO
- by Ruby Wyner-lo
A.A. B P-cernfied Astrologer
Aries: (Mar. 21-Apr. 19) Infil
trate Fort Knox and steal lots of
gold bouillon. You're going to
need it in January.
Taurus: (Apr. 20-May 20) After
months of auditions, you land a
role in a major Broadway pro
duction. Unfortunately, you'll
have a bout with gas on opening
night and will let fly with loud
flatulence. stunning the first 18
rows.
Gemini: (May 21-June 21) Your
trip to Acapulco will result in
tragedy when your cliff diving
experiment ends with fifteen
deaths.
Cancer: (June 22-July 22) The
presidential candidate you voted
for will openly admit to com
mitting seven acts of necrophilia.
Contnue to show your support,
because at least he admitted to
Leo: (July 23-Aug. 22) Come out
of the closet this week. Admit to
the world that you sort of like
Michael Bolton's music.
Virgo: (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) You'll
invite your boss to dinner at
your place to ask for that big
raise. You won't get it because
you didn't properly thaw theft°.
to fall apart. The team captain,
Antonio roars, "Is this still a
team or a bunch of cut throats
about to do each other in?"
Sometimes when people are
faced with an impossible
situation they must do things
that normally wouldn't have
crossed their minds, and about
mid-way through their 72-day
ordeal the survivors make the
toughest decision of their lives:
they must resort to eating the
frozen flesh of the dead to
survive.
The cannibalism scenes are
not for the squirmish - many
people had to. turn away during
the first incision scene. The
passengers used a .piece of glass
to cut into the frozen human
corpse.
Listen up!
The Collegian Entertainment
staff is looking for new writers.
Free stuff!!!
Movies, concerts, CDs, Tapes,
Easy Women and more...
Call 898-6488
:en yak.
Libra: (Sept. 23-Oct. 23) Posses
sion of an ancient scarab will
give you the ability to commu
nicate with vermin. Use this
power wisely.
Scorpio: (Oct. 24-Nov. Z ) Move
to Russia, bastard.
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Mischievous imps will invade
your bedroom while you sleep
and poke your bloated belly.
Capricorn: (Dec. 22-)an., 19)
Romance heats up at the conve
nience store when you ,ind a
mysterious stranger both grab
for the same shriveled-up hot
dog.
Aquarius: (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) A
nasty cold debilitates you until
daredevil Evil Knievel comes to
your home and heals you with
the touch of his hand.
Pisces: (Feb. 19-Mar. 20) While
using the cash machine, the per
son behind you will memorize
your Plisi number, pick your
pocket, remove all the money
from your account, and return
your card to you before you sus
pect a thing.
01992 Onion Features Syndicate
Thursday, January 21, 1993
The survivors are constantly
in conflict with their morals,
religion, and will to survive.
Filmed once before in the
cheapie 1978 Mexican
exploitation film Survive!, the
rugby player's story exemplifies
human spirit as a savior and
Marshall's film captures the
spirit well. The
cinematography was spectacular
and the crash scene was
unbelievably tense. The acting
was very realistic - so many
times I found my jaw hanging
open.
ALIVE is tense, moving and
exciting, but I must warn you,
after you see this movie you'll
want a pair of red shoes and a
pizza. "I'll pay if you go and get
it!"
Puzz e
Solutions
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