J rr- rt i . ... r iflo mcsi iiepnoiican U poliiUhaJ every W.iJu lay, by J. E. WE NIC. Office in. 8mearbaugh & Co.'s BuiUIing KLM BTKKEf, TIOMK3TA, tk. Torraa, . ai.oo por Voar. ! .uWrlptloin r..ce.ved for a short, period than three nioutii. . Correspondence anil )iia I fro n nil parti of tha couniry. No no lo, will be taken of anonymous ooiumunlo.itlous. RATES OF ADVERTISING! One fiqtisrs one Inch, one lnrtl'a.,.l I 00 Om cquare, one inch, one month. ., 8 One Fquare. one inch, three months. . IV IN) One Square, one inch, one year,.... 10H Two Npinres, one yeir ." 00 Quarter Column, one year JHOH Half Column, one year ftOIW One Column, one year ..... lOUtW l-esal advertisements ton cent per lint each insertion. llarriaires an 1 cleith notices gratis. All hillsroryfnrlyadvertisemjnts collected quarterly Temporary advertisements must be paiil in advance. Job work cash on deliver. CAN, VOL. XXX. NO. 20. TIONESTA, PA., WEDNESDAY, SKPT.'l, 1897. &1.00 PER ANNUM, Forest kepubli Glasgow, Manchester and Birming ham are still the foremast industrial , centers of Europe. Out of the 400 young men graduated from Harvard College this year not a single one intends to take up the study of theology. Governor Black, of New York, said v ' - - . . uivvitug ui kuo representatives of institutions em braced in tho University of the State of New fork that if educators should enter DolilioR fliprA wnnlil be nn bnrm to them, but politic would be much more cloan aud puiTs A genuine honrty laugh is an aid to digestion, a stimulus to the circula tion of the Mood and a positive beauti fier. The whole system is benefited hv a cheerful, merrv lanrrli nn1 stna'a D I " " v " friends aro attracted by the bright, wholesome nature that ripples out in , sunny music like happy woodland stream. ' Bays the Philadelphia Call: These evidences of wealth, particularly the irresistible fascination of gold, have 'started a tido of emigration to Alaska that will cover her barren wastes with the evidences of civilization. Cities and towns will spring up. Railroads and other means of transportation must follow, and Alaska will not be long in seeking admission to the Union, The Florida Citizen says: A pretty girt of sweot sixteen in Pennsylvania . reached for a flower and snake on the bough bit her arm. She fainted and a young man found her, threw water in her face and was hysterically told she had been bitten by a rattle, snake. He drew away the poison with his lips, aud now there is the founda tion for a thrilling romanoe. But after they are married some crusty old fellow will tell her that rattlesnake cannot climb a bush, and then she will know that tho blacksnake is harm less. Will there be a divorce? But 9 John has not told Bertha yet. Statistics of the foreign trade of Germany have just been published showing that its exports and imports have both increased year by year, the latter having more than doubled in a decade, while the former have goue y ahead steadily, though in a less degree. Caprivi's commercial treaties with Russia and Austria have worked well and, notwithstanding much initial op position, their good results are now apparent to everybody. Since they went into effect three years ago the imports have increased 272,500,000 marks, and tho exports 702,300,000 marks. The Agrarians fought the treaties at every step, but in the face of their prosperous effects they are now tuuto. . There are in this country, states tho Newcastle (Euglaud) Chronicle, 180, 000 families dependent on the bicyole trade; aud the trade is sure to increase, as people will coino to look upon a bicyole as they now do suit of clothes, not as if it were au obelisk designed to last forever. Whan this time comes, says a writer in a contem porary, a man will buy a new bicyole every two or three years and be hap py. This year persons in the British Empire will speud about $117,000,000 on bicycles, and if the steel required to make these hundreds of thousands of wheels were converted into war ves sels, the result would be a fleet of ships sufficient in numbers and power to make any of the smaller Continen tal Powers feel distinctly uncotnfort 5 able. One cannot eat bicycles. But bread is the Btaple food of many peo ple, and this year we shall spend more money for bicycles than for bread, aud nearly as much as we shall spend for meat. The failure of Decker, Howell & Co., prominent brokers of Wall street, New York City, occasioned by the rise in sugar, recalls the fact that this firm failed in the "Bariug panic" of Novem ber 11th, 1800, with liabilities of $12, 000,000. The New York correspond ent of the Philadelphia Ledger fur nishes the following interesting aud concise history of thut event: "The incident is notable in the history of the street as one of the cases of phe nomeually rapid recovery of financial Btaudiug and for one of the biggest fees ever paid to a lawyer. Decker, Howell & Co. were Mr. Vi.lard's brokers. The pauio swamped them. William Nelson Cromwell, their assig nee, succeeded in straightening out their affairs, paying their creditors iu full aud getting them iu condition for a new start in business iu sixty days. The statutory foe received by the as signee was 3-0,000, and so pleased were the creditors with his work thut they afterwards presented to him a set of silver plate, valued at $00,000, as a testimonial. It remains to be seen whether so happy a result all around will follow the present complications- THH DAYS OF LONG ACO. In pensive mood I often sit through evening hours aglow And think of all the happy days that passed in years ago; I love In fanny to renall those Joyous dreamsjofyore, To visit past remembered scenes and live them o'er and o'er. My eyes are growing dimmer with the years that roll away. My step Is slow and feeble, and my locks, alas! are gray; Yet when In penilvoness I sit I foal again the glow Of youth that thrilled my happy heart In days ot long ago. In days of lonir ago, alas! how Joyous was my lot. Those doar old scenes and happy dreams shall never be forgot; The world was Ailed with muslo and with blossoms ever fair, And beamed a loving wcloome ever courteous and rare. A happy song of cheor rang forth from every leafy tree, Till every mountain, every dell, was eoholng with glee; One blest, sweet melody divine oharmed all this earth below And rose afar to skies above In days ot long ago. The days of long ago alnsj how distant now they seem, The past In but a memory, a dear, remembered drenm; The future brings us palsied age and many bitter tears, A" hopes and Joys have long since passed through dim, receding years. And yet It does a mortal good to muse o'er youthful days. To tread In fancy once again life's unforgotten ways; And that Is why I often sit through evening hours aglow And dream again of hnppy days the days of long ago! Sidney Warren Mase, in Little Bock Oasetto. SS TUT T TrvMrvn i i i r . i i i i i v i j r By EDITH H CINQ'S wel come when I came, a bride, to the' ranch was not the warmest. The dusky adobe wall, throwing him into pictur esque relief, he stood on the ranch-house ver of suppressed ex- anda, his face citement. full "You telle me," he muttered, "who boss, now Mr. Allandale get mallied?" "All same as before," was my ready rejoinder. The crafty features relaxed, and Ah Ging disappeared kitohenward, his pig-tail having struck the dominant note in my first impressions of Va quero Water. Cedrio smiled at me approvingly. "Glad you were so diplomatic, else he'd have left by the morning stage. It's awfully unromantie, darling, but the drive has made me beastly hun gry. Lot's see what the old chap has for us." We dined in a long, low room, hung with spurs and sporting prints, sou venirs of English days, the happiest couple in California. In its lack of excitement, ranch life proved disappointing. Lynchings were unknown bandits and despera does conspicuous by their absonce. So life flowed on, smoothly, monot onously, till after the birth of Billi kins. Ah Ging then announced his de parture. "Better girl cook," he de clared. "No likee baby. Heap tlouble. Allee time cly." The next Celestial left after a hasty glance at the kitchen wall. "Meflaid," he explained, pointiug to a red hiero glyphic unfortuuately unnoticed by us. "Ah Ging he write, 'Debbil in this house.'" "He meant the baby," suggested Cedrio. "He say debbil. Me go. ' No China boy stay here. Heap scared of deb bil." "Try a girl," implored Cedrio. "It's no joke driving ten miles a day to the station." We tried, in turn: Gretchen, who left withiu the week to "learn relig ion;" Bridget, who deolined working under an Englishman; the widow, whose tears, as she reoounted her woes, sizzled over the stove; Dicie, who disliked low wages, though she found no fault with me, and Saman tha, who objected to the lack of "scenery." Useless to point out the Brush Hills' mellow charm, distant mountains, ouk -dotted meadows, 8a mantha remained obdurate. "It may suit yon, Mrs. Allandale," she con tinued, pityiugly, "to see nothing but land. I like it like it was in Tulare. There you kin see houses thick as peas in a pod an' people passin' all day. That's the scenery for me, so I guess I'll pack my freight." Which she proceeded to d)o, aud had barely driven out of sight when young girl, tall, slim and neatly dressed, stepped on the veranda. "If you please, ma'am," she quiet ly said, "I heard that yon wauted a girl; can I have the place?" I heard her history, which was simple. The previous year she had eome from England to join her broth er on a claim, had fallen ill, had gone to the county hospital at La Huerta, had come thenoe to me. While hear ing these details, Cedrio returned. But one conclusion oould be drawn from his utter dejection. "No girl," was stamped on every feature. 8a mantha had recommended me to Odessa Green, who, less exaoting in regard to scenery, was willing to leave the family pig-pen for mouth's change, provided the washing was put out, Mrs. Allandale helped with the dishes, the afternoons were free, and a horse every Sunday was at her dis posal. I knew the type, ignorant, slatternly, familiar. Contrasting with it the new-comer, my resolution was taken. "No, Cudric, I have a servant already." "Where did she'eome from?" "La Huerta, where she has been iu the hospital." "I she pretty?" "That's an irrelevant question. Yes, rather blue eyes and short, curly, yellow hair." "You know nothiug about her." "But I know that BillikinB has the whooping-cough. I must nurse him, and you cau not cook. Help is ueeded, and behold Aune." "Ho that's ber name?" "Yes, Anne James." He still demurred. "Prudence is au admirable virtue. A T) T i-t a HTurn V h r I m lx i i i i m ALLANDALE, Cedrio, but you carry it to an ex treme." Cedrio yielded, still holding to his own opinion. "Keep her! Keep herl" he "cried; "but remember, if an; thing happens, be itou your head." Since the days of Ah Ging, life had not oeen worm living. Annie came, and comfort followed after. Capable. retiring, a vague sense of mystery pervaaing ner, sue proved in our monotonous existence a source of in exhaustible interest. "I scent a romance?" Cedrio de clared; "when Aune draws near, find una out about ber." "She is so reticent a contrast to Samautha. "Teach her something. Learning unlocks a woman's tongue." So Aune was instructed in more housewifely mysteries, and grew more communicative. But Cedrio reoelved all details of her past with scornful in credulity. "Papa" was a barrister. Aune herself had been born in the sacred precincts of the Temple. Their crest figured as a dove. "Fancy one's parlor-maid having a crest," he ejacu lated. For a briefless barrister he had done singularly well, marrying a niece ol the celebrated Countess of Melliean. Many a torrid afternoon was whiled away with descriptions of the Irish castle where the wedding took place, vne beauty of the bride, the eocentrici ties of the noble aunt. Cedrio scoffed, still crying for more. One languorous September day! en sconced in the veranda's shadiest nook. we gazed on the Brush Hills and sighed vainly for a breeze. Cedrio broke the stillness. "What about Anne? No news of late?" "She has a sister who lives in France and is possessed of independ ent means. A look of reproach phot from his dark-blue eye. "You told me that last week, he murmured. "And did not tell you that she goes by the name of the Lady Emily "Brown! Why, she married Frenchmau." "True." " Why lady ? What title has he ?" "None. I particularly asked Anne. "Absurd! He could not be 'Brown' or she 'lady,' unless, indeed, the title is in her own right. In that case your pearl of a handmaiden is an 'honor able!' The Honorable Anne brings out tue tray, be added, as sue ap proached our corner. "No, it's all false, you may depend upon it. Ask Mcpherson what he thinks; he is com ing up the drive. Fergus McPherson caution person ified opined that Annie had lied. He put it plainly: "Deceitful in speech, deceitful in deed. Better watch her, Mrs. Allendale." My suspicious were not excited. In California nothing is impossible. Had not a scion of a lordly house died on a neighboring ranch a lonely, neglect ed sheep herder? ' No. It was the uneasy air and restless look increas ing day by day. I heartily wished for some pretext whereby Cedrio, dis patched into La Huerta, might inquire iuto the autecedents of the Honorable Anne. Chance favored me. ."MoPherson has been telling me," began my spouse, a few days later, "about some bloodhounds in town that belong to the sheriff. They are Al at tracking criminals borrow them all over the State. Beastly shame it's such journey it would be rather jolly to sec them." "Why not go? A change would do you good." "Go! And who would milk the cow?" "I, myself." "You? Nonsense!" "Who is the sheriff?" I idly asked, mediteting my next move the while. "Waite Hiram Waite." "Our Honorable," who had entered, bearing that rauoh stand-by, a smok ing bowl of "mush," started, growing visibly pale fresh food for uneasiness. Clearly, to learu the art of milking was imperative. The woman won, as usual, and Cedrio, before the week was over, started for La Huerta, with strict injunctions to interview both hospital superintendent and sheriff. In charge of the ranch were myself, Billikins, and the Honorable Aune. Uneventfully passed the first few days; but ou Monday, from the veranda, I espied a band of men, who, leaving the oounty road, came slowly up the drive. Aune, perceiving them, grew white to the lips, aud, bearing Billikius, pre cipitately tied. "Good evening," the leader began, ! as he lifted his sombrero. "We're a kinder rough sight for a lady. You see, we re a posse over from Tulare, trying to find a man named Smith. His tracks, they seemed to p ro; this way. Ain't seen any stranger round here lately?" "No, indeed." "No wood-chopper nor nothing?" "No, none. What has this man done? What does he look like?" . "Ileal nioe and young and kind. Not more'n a boy. Murdered a man over there. Here's his description," and he handed me a coarsely printed "Reward." Well, boys, get a move on. We're on our way to La Huerta," he added, "to borrow Waite's dogs. Well, good day, ma'am. Hotter not harbor any strangers." A moment more and, loft alone, I thought over the situation. Cedrio gone, no neighbor near, and a mur derer at large whose steps "p'intod this way." Suddenly it was borne in npon me that Anne was the fugitive. A firm boliover in woman's intui tions, yet hoping desperately that mine was at fault, I unfolded the paper the sheriff gave me. It tallied woll. Moioseness, agitation, all were explained. Did Anne guess that her identity was known, my life, I feared, wonld pay the penalty. To ignore the situa tion, live through the night if possible, and trust to someone turning up in the morning was all that oould be done. Milking-time brought fresh terrors, How guard one's self, with both hands engaged letting down floods of warm, innocent milk? Dinner was eaten hurriedly, with the eame feeling of uneasiness. Billikins tucked in his crib, Anne retired eorly, and, every sense on the alert, I was left alone to watch the nursery door. It fascinated me. Who would open it? Anne, to hide among the canons till the posse had returned to its Tulare home? Or Henry Smith, to make an end of me and flee? Truly, the ranch monotony was broken at last. Sol emnly the clock ticked, slowly the hands wont round, an hour passed. A movement in the adjoining room, and literally my blood rau oold. That had hitherto seemed a mere figure of speech. The sound ceased, and still I watched the nursery door. At last, when my brain would have tnrnod with more, I heard a sound whioh, faint at first, grew louder and louder. "Oh, heaven," I cried, "the blood hounds!" and fell senseless to the ground. Slowly returned to consciousness, my gaze fell on Cedric, the La Huerta sheriff, and Anne Anne anxiously ap plying restoratives! . "Take him away," I gasped; he will murder us." "You are raving!" cried Cedrio; "that is Anne." "No; Smith, the murderer. The blood-hounds tracked him to the very door." Here Hiram Waite thought fit to interpose. "Guess I can straighten out this kink, Mrs. Allandale. You did hear the hounds, they're up at the barn now. Your husband, he heard at La Huerta we was boatiu! up this part of the country, so he lit out for home, thinkin' you'd be scared. We caught our man hidin' by the 'Dobe Hill, and the Tulare boys took hiiu back to town. Your husband and me was tired, so we made tracks for here. Sorry 'bout the dogs. Might ha' known they'd scare you." The Honorable Anne next day gave warning. "If you please, ma'am, you and Mr. Allandale have beeu very kind, and I love Mr. Billikins like my own, but I can't stay where I've beeu so misjudged." "More candor ou your (part would have prevented your being mis judged." She blushed. "1 often wanted to tell you, ma'am what I first said wasn't true. I came from England when I was a baby. I haven't any brother, aud, I never went to La Huerta." "Ah!" "The kinder you was, ma'am, the meaner I felt; and I was afraid Mr. Allandale would go to the hospital; and, worst of al), my heart stood still when he spoke of Mr. Waite. For he and my stepfather are cousins, and I was afraid he would guess who I was.". "Your stepfather?" ''Yes, ma'am, mother married Jim Waite the second timo, aud it was him that came with the posse and frightened me. He was such a bad. cruel man that I couldu't stand it, so I ran away." "How did you happen to reach Vaquero Water?" "With some friends in one of those big wagons they call 'prairie schoon ers.' Tulare folks go to the coast every year; but they don't dare go there straight, it's too much change. They always stop at the Iron Spring to cool off first." To cool off at ninety in the shade! "Soon as we came to the spring, I heard about you, and thought I'd try for the place." "But how much better to have told me the truth." "I knew Mr. Allandule was English, ma'am, and they are that particular I was afraid he'd send me home." Surely the story of Lady Emily Brown was unnecessary." Anne's eyes flashed. "It's every word true, ma'am. Not that I ever saw her; she was by father's first mar riage; but it's true. Why, they lived in a beautiful house in St. John's Wood, and the night before they went to Paris the Prince of Wales diued with them." "Aud do you believe it, my dear?" asked Cedrio ou hearing the last ver sion. "She believes in the family tradi tions. But she will care less about such nonsense when she is Mrs. Hiram Waite." "Why, she met the man only last night." "Something will Come of it, trust a woman's intuition." "Thanks, no!" he retorted, with a cheerful grin. "No telling into what mare's nest I might be led. Never mind, darling, you did your best. We can't all be bora detectives." Cedrio to the contrary my prophecy came to pass, and our Honorable Anne is transformed into Mrs. Hiram Waite. At last accounts she was well and happy, supplying the boarders at Wait s Hotel with meals at "fonr-bits a head." While we on the ranch are still wondering whether the Countess of Melligan and the Lany Emily Brown are mytis. The Argonaut. SCIENTIFIC AND INDUSTRIAL. Jamaica is pointed out as the land of ferns, its species numbering between 400 and 500. It has been estimated that aa oak of average size, during the five months it is in leaf every year, sucks from the earth about 123 tons of water. The iridescence of the soap bubble arises from the fact that the bubble, being thin, reflects light from both the outer and inner surfaces of the film. An important discovery by M. Pfister, an Austrian engineer, is that sea-water may be freed from salt and rendered potable by forcing through a tree trunk. Piclet's discovery that liquors may be artificially aged by cold is about to be applied commercially iu a proposed frigorifio laboratory in Paris. The liquor is gradually cooled iu 200 de grees C below zero, then gradually brought again to the ordinary tempera ture. St. Etienne, near Lyons, France, has apparently solved the problem of distributing electrical enorgy cheaply in private houses over a wide district. Two dollars a month is the charge for suffloient power to drive a loom, the service extending ni far as thirty miles from the central station. Results of a German inquiry prove that overhead wires tend to reduce the violence of thuuderstorms and lessen the danger from lightning. Cases of damage from lightning were about five times as numerous in plaoea without telephone systems as iu those having them. Since Homer's time vast falls of or gan io particles, as well as of; meteorio dust, have been known at various times and placeB. Dr. T. S. Blair, of Har risburg, Penn., argues that the organic matter may have largely come from space and that showers of still-living germs may explain the sudden appear ance and rapid spread of many hintorio epidemics. J. L. Hebrahn, the German archaeo logist, has just oompleted an explora tion tour through the State of Chiapas, Mexico, where he reports having found another ancient buried city iu the depths of a tropical forest, about sixty miles west of the Guatemalan border. He brought away with him a number of relics of the place, and says that he will go to the United States aud thence to Germany, where he will organize an expedition for further researches iu Chiapas. The duck mole of Australia, which Sidney Smith declared made Sir Joseph Bauks miserable from bis utter inability to deoide whether it was a bird or beast, is a mammal with webbed feet aud a duck's bill, and is remarka ble for laying eggs like a bird or rep tile. It was long thought harmless and without defense. Dr. A. Stuart has lately found, however, that a pow erful spur of the male's hind leg, ap parently oonuected with a gland, may inflict a hornet-like sting, which is sometimes fatal to dogs. Artists lu Innger. Artists are proverbially lacking in what people of coarser clay call horse sense. Seldom does it occur to these highly gifted persons to guard the scaffold on which they staud with a hand rail. Muny times have artists fallen in consequeuco, and frequently they have lost their lives in this man ner. Lord Leightou, who died a year or so ago, it has bleu stated recently, was saved from such a fute only by the vigilance of his assistant. He almost stepped backward off the trestle work in front of one of his frescoes at South Kensington Museum. Murillo was less fortunate, for he died from the effects of his fall. Among other painters who came to an untime ly end in this way were Muuoz, Perez, Gabbiana, Gambara, Coxcie, Bozzoue, Cavedone and Stothard. Michael Au gelo escaped with a broken leg, aud Froderigo Zuoohero after a frightful fall recovered in surprisingly short time. New York Press. Theatre Fire.. Since 1797 there have beeu 1100 theatre fires with 10,000 fatalities, aj cordiug to Mr. Sach's "Fires aud Public Entertainments," just pub lished. Of these 43 took took plucj in the United States, i:S'J iu Great Britain aud lul iu Germany, Frauce haviug nearly the same number. Lou don has had thirty-five fires aud Paris twenty-eight. Out of 34') theatres de stroyed by fire, ouc-half were burned withiu ten years after they were con structed, forty of them withiu the first year. UpU the liull by Twilling Hi Tall. When the Veuezuelau cowboy wishes to catch a bull or cow for branding, or for any purpose, he rides ulougedde it aud, with horse and bovine ou the dead-run, stoops from his saddle, grasps the creature's tail, aud, with u sharp, pui-ulUr twist seuils the auiuiul rolling on his back. From tho force with which it fulls, the creature'e horns almost iuvariuby piu its head to the ground, giving the vaquero time to dismount and sit ou its head, hold ing the auimul helpless to rise, while a eomuauiou ties its leu. THE MERRY SIDE OF LIFE. STORIES THAT ARE TOLD BY THE FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. Ancient Habits (Innil Itlrtdnncn Frou Frou Kenncit A Distinction At the Io Show TSot a. ftcnsltlve 1'lnnt Academic Leisure A Second Edition, She's n graduate of Vnssar And her knowledge Is Immense, And, though beautiful and stylish, Hue Is full of common sense; Bhe can talk 111 French and (terman, Hhe reads Homer In the Oreck, And 'tis worth your while to listen When It pleases her to spenk. Bhecanrcad tlio hieroglyphics On the tombs along the Nile; Shecan hold dlscourseon physics In an Interesting style, But, In spite of all her learning Bhe steps backward from the car, tnd she always stops and wishes When she sees a shooting star. Cleveland Leader Frou Fron, Jeems "The rustle of a skirt is the most attractive sound to a man's earn." Deems "Of course. There's al ways a woman in it." Town Topics. Defined. "Papa, what is deduction?" "It's that form of mathematics, my boy, which takes nothing from noth ing and obtains a stupendous result." Judge. Acailemlo Leisure. Cora "College men seem very much inolined to take life easy. " Dora "Yes; even when they grad uate they do it by degrees. " Brook lyn Life. Mot a Sensitive Plant. "What is a hardy rose buBh?" "It is one that doesn't mind your wife pulling it up by the roots every few days to see if it has begun to grow yet." Tid-Bits. Good ltlddonce. Critic "Where did you get the idea for that picture?" Painter "Out of my head." Critic "You must be glad that it is out." Fliegeude Bloetter. At the Dog Show. Bover "My father took the first prize at the exhibition!" Towser "That's nothing. My mother's remains took a gold medal at the health food fair." Lifo. A Distinction. Miss Outertown "Isn't there a Mrs Skinner in this village, who keeps boarders?" Hi Hubbel "She takes boarders, ma'am, but she don't keep 'em." Puck. How to Point. She "How would you punctuate the followiug: 'Bauk of England notes of various values were blowu along the street by the wind?' " He "I think I would make a dash after the notes." Household Words. A ltea.onable Conclusion. McLubbcrty "Begorru, Hogan wanted to whup me last noight." O'Hoggarty "How do yez know ho wanted to?" McLubbcrty "Avhehodu't wanted to he wudu't hov done it, wud he?" Puck. Proudest Man on the Dlock. "Why does Mr. Birmingham hold his head so high and assnine such a haughty bearing?" "His thermometer registered three degrees higher yesterday thau any others." Pittsburg Chronicle-Telegraph. Delightful lllloimna. "To save me, I cau't toll which Jones girl I want to marry." "What is the trouble?" "One makes such delicious straw berry shortcake, but the other one looks so lovely on her wheel." De troit Free Press. A Second Edition. He had married a young widow aud was in the first flush of his happi ness. "Darling," he murmured, "will you ever forget your honeymoon?" "Which?" she queried, absent mindedly. Pick-Me-Up. A Modern ttcli.liereiatle. "Mrs. Meeker," observed a friend of the family, "is a very superior woman. She can converse intelligent ly, I believe, on a thousand different topics." "Yes," sighed Mr. Meeker, "and she does." Chicugo Tribune. A Keclpe. Diok "Oue is so apt to lose sight of one's friends." Hurry "That's not necessary. Mine stick to me with touching fidel ity." Dick "How do you muuage it?" Harry- "Oh, I borrow mouey of them." Pick-Me-Up. III. Downfall. Kind Old Lady "Poor mau! You look as if you had seen better duys." Mr. Willie Deadtirod "I have, madam. Once I dwelt in granite halls." Kind Old Lady "And why this loss of such a home?" Mr. Willie Deadtired "My term expired." St. Louis Globe-Den. o crat. The Trial ot Cieulus. Friend "Why, what ore you iu such a fuss about? Anything hap pened?" Artist "Oh, botherutiou, yes! Everything! I wus just getting some of my luteut pictures ready for fraiuiug, and that coiifouuded housekeeper of mine has so mixed them up I'll never iu the wide world be able to tell the top from tho bottom again." Truth. Cooou, like milk, is believed to have every element necessary to sustuiuthe human system. WATCHWORDS OF LIFE. Hope, While there's a hand to strike; Dare, While there's a young heart brave Toil, Whllo Micro's a task nnwrought; Trmit, Whllo there's a Ood to save. Learn That there's a work for ench; Feel That there's a str-ngth In Ood; Know, Thnt there's a crown reserved. Walt, Though 'ncnth the cloud and sod; Love, Where there's a foe that wrongs; Help, Whon there's a brother's need; Watch, When there's a tempter near; I'ray, Both in thy word and deed. HUMOR OF THE DAY. "So your son hns completed his edycation?" "Great Scott! No! Why, he's just out of college!" Detroit News. "Has Bigmoney any poor rela tives?" "He doesn't know. He isn't dead yet." Cincinnati Commercial Tribune. "Do you thiuk capital punishment a remedy for crime?" "Well, it might be if persisted in for Beverel J generations." Judge. She "Talk about woman's idle cur iosity! There's no such thing." He "No. I should say it worked night and day." Detroit Journal. A proofreader has been discharged because a cowslip by the river's brim a simple cow's lip was to him, and nothing more. Somerville Journal. A cab-owner had the word "Excel sior" painted on the door-panel of all his vehicles. He explained that his motto was "Hire." London Tit-Bits. "My wifecleans house eight times a yeor," said the applicant for divorce. "Decree granted," said the judge, in a voice that shivered. Detroit Free Tress. The Pretty Girl "Miss Srauther was named after her Uncle George, wasn't she?" The Bright One "I don't know. She looks as if she was named before him." Cincinnati Com mercial Tribune. Wallace "There is nothing like matrimony to make a man appreciate the value of money." Ferry "That's so. A dollar a man gives to his wife does look bigger to him than any other dollar." Cincinnati Enquirer. Typewriter "I am rapid enough, aud understand business forms all right, but I must admit that I cannot spell." Business Mau "You won't do, then, even at the price. I can't spell, either." Indianapolis Journal. Mrs. Manykyds "Thore is one good thing about our girls; they are always self-possessed." Pupa Many kyds (grimly) "Yes; they are too self-possessed. I wish they'd get some one else to possess them." Puck. "How in the world did you get old Curmudgeon's consent to wed his daughter?" "Finesse, me boy, finesse. I told all around that he caught seven teen four-pound bass ou that last fish ing expedition of his." Detroit Free Press. "You blamed old ping," said tho farmer to his balky horse, "you actually ain't worth killin' un less," he added, after second thought, "unless I could manage to get you killed by tho railroad." Cincinnati Enquirer. Nurse "Please, mum, you must send for the doctor quick for little Johnnie." Mother "Oh, dear I What is the mutter?" Nurse "I . don't know, mum; but he hasn't been np to any mischief for two hours." Lon don Tit-Bits. Bobby had been studying his dear old grandfather's wrinkled face for a long time. "Well, Bob," said the old gentleman, "do you like my face?" "Yes, grandpa," said Bobbie, "it'sau awfully nice face, but why don't you have it ironed?" Stoudard. Sprockets "I was sorry not to keep my appointment with you; but, you see, lay wheel broke down." Hudson "Why didu't you come in ou tho train?" Sproekett "Heav ens! Aud ride with those miserable non-bikers? Never!" Philadelphia North Amerieau. M. D. (to anxious mother) "Your son's case is very wimple; we will take out his spine, lay his luugs aud heart bure, inject bis liver with uu acid, and insert a silver wire at the base of his thorax. We will then sew him up neatly, and you'll be surprised at the change it'll make." Truth. "Dear," suid the .Senator's wife, "tho papers are accusiugyou of letting the stock market influence your vote." "It is a lie," roared the statesman, as he pouuded the table with his fist. "All I huve done iu that direct iou was to allow my vote to intlueuce my deal ings iu the stock market." Iudian upolis Journal. Little Harry "You didu't preaoh lust Sunday, did you?" The Minis ter "No; 1 was ill aud omitted my Bormou." Little Harry "I thought they wus something happeued, for when pa got home he said he wouldn't mind goiu' to church every Suuday if they always had that kind of service!." Cleveland Leader. They hud beeu discussing the ad vancement of science. "I Bee it isi'luitued thut they call get electricity direct from coal now," suggested the lawyer. "Thut won't do usuuy good," returned tho ruilroud manager. "If wo could get coul direct from electric ity now we wouldn't have to worry about this strike." Chicago Eveuiug Post. lu a home tor sandwich men iu Lou don there ure suid to bo several uni versity K'uduates ami medical luou, aud u Scotchman who ruu through 8-50,000 iu three yearn. ,(
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers