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"CX A V j ' A A y tr"' A k If I M V 47111 A .A JUL 4 m A 3 J ; .A VS VSV !lA II W- Af AA, THE DELIGHTED DUDE. I am tho swell of the uppor " crawl," Blim and tall, With a" lonninff fall," My clothos fit tiKht aa a papered wall, Tou could pick me out of a thousand. My dainty, nnmby-pauiby grace, Bphinx-liko face, And mincing paco Remove nio far from Iho human race, That you see by the hundrod thuusand. The secret of my alylo uniipio, Appearance aleok, Distinqtio cheek, My modiste could tell, but will not speak, For she makes on me a fow thousand. At matinees, I'm nlwnys there AmonK the fair, Who at me stare, Admiring my Montgomery hair, They worship mo by tho thousand. I quite despise the rough, rudo pross Who mock my dress, But don't distress: I'm just the riddlo they cannot guess, No, not once in n thousand. But bost of all , few can intrude Upon our brood, For we oxclndo Every follow that's not a dudn, And he is one in a thousand. Xcio York Morning Journal. MEG'S ADVICE. It was tho day after tho party, and can any day bo more utterly wretched ? I mean, of course, to the people who have given the parly especially when, like my uncle and aunt, they are of quiet-going habits anil moderate means, and must let their guests dance in the dining-room and have supper in tho biggest bedroom. It was tho day after the party, and every individual in tho house was mis erable. The days before the party had not been remarkable for comfort, but they at least had froen tinged with the radiance of hope and bright anticipa tion, while now nothing remained but "dregs and bitterness," and to clear away and to get tho house in order again. This would have seemed rather a dreary task in any circumstances, I dare say; but it was greatly aggra vated by tho fact that we were all in very low spirits, or to put it honestly, in dreadfully had tempers, having each and all a special grievance of our own. - My uncle's household consisted of himself and my aunt, Mr. and Mrs. (illbee, their two sons, Christopher and Peter, their two daughters, Lottie and Sophy, and myself, Meg Merlin, the orphan daughter of my aunt's only sister. My mother had died when I was eight years old, and my father, whose habits were by no means of a domestic kind, sent mo to school, and allowed me to spend all my holidays at my aunt's, and when he died and my schooldays were over, my temporary homo became a permanent one. This came to pass quite naturally, and was taken as a matter of course by my kindhearted cousins ; and Aunt Char lotte, who ha I always regarded me as one of her own, children, never seemed to suppose that she was conferring any particular favor upon me by giving me a happy home among them all. Put I appreciated it, and endeavored to prove my gratitude in every way pos sible. 1 was o'.dcr than Lottie and Sophy and left school before they did, and I becamo very useful in the house. Aunt Charlotte was of a nervous, timid nature, and as I happened to be self-possessed and cod and decided she soon came to rely entirely on my judgment and energy, and in a year or two I was housekeeper-in-chief, and my advice was asked and pretty gen erally taken on matters both small and great ; indeed, "Meg's advice" became proverbial in the household. Naturally I grew a little dictatorial, for I often wondered what they could have done without me. Chris was the only ono I could not manage. "PulJytho otlurs as much as you like," he would say, "but you shall never bully nie;" and somehow or other I never felt inclined to try. " Tills" occurred among us now and then; but, on tho whole, we were a happy family until the day after the party, when, as I have said, we were each and all miserable. My uncle was confined to his room with a bilious at tack. My aunt looked very haggard when she lirst came down in the morn ing, and said her head ached badly; and her appearance did not brighten as she and 1 investigated the state of the crockery. ' I shall never give a party again," she said, quietly, but it was the quiet ness of despair. " Nine glasses broken and three of the best china plates, and a great stain on the drawing-room car pet ! We might have been entertaining a set of barbarians 1" Christopher and Peter, usually the most affectionate of brothers, were now not on speaking terms with each other, as my aunt and I discovered at breakfast-time; and, instead of going to business together, Peter lingered until Chris had gone, and then started about live minutes afterward. This unfriendliness arose, as I well knew, because of a stylish disagreeable city belle, whom some friends of ours had brought with them to tho party, and who had llirted desperately, but with maddening impartiality, with both my deluded cousins. Hence their coldness toward each other this morning. As for Lottie and Sophy, I wished, before the day was out, tfcftt they were not on. speaking term-, for they were nagging each other all the time, and finished just before dinner with a downright spiteful quarrel; and Aunt Charlotte cried. Their grievance was about two brothers, Tom and Harry Xowill; for Lottie liked Harry best and Sophy liked Tom; and with the usual contra riness of mankind, Harry was des perately in love with Sophy and Tom with Lottie; so it was usual, after every merrymaking we might have, for Lottie and Sophy to fall out about them. I felt vexed with everybody; but 1 think I was quito justified in being so, for they would ail persist in believing or saying that they believed that I was in lovo with ridiculous John Howurth, just because he hap pened to bo in lovo with me, and tuolc care that every one should know he was, too. I did think some of them at least might have had more sense. And now this fine city belle had appeared on the scene oh, I felt tempted to break another best china plate and all the remaining glasses as I thought about it. And, if aunt had only known the state of mind I was in, she would never have trusted mo to wash them up and put them away. Even our Jsewfoundland dog seemed to share tho general dissatisfaction, and kept com ing from his kennel as far as his chain would permit, and uttering long and dismal howls. The cook said that it was the sign of a death; but the house maid persisted that it foretold a wed ding. I did not feel as if I cared much which it was or what happened only I think I felt more inclined for a fune ral than a wedding, especially if the wedding entailed a breakfast and an other party. My aunt and I had been up as early as usual this morning we had too much to do to be able to lie in bed. Chris and Peter of course wanted their breakfast at the usual hour, and their luncheons which they always took wifi them and ate in a little back room at tlin oiliee put up ; and then, when they had started for business, we com menced our dismal investigations through the house. We always dined at 0 o'clock, and it was nearly that hour before we had succeeded in re ducing the house to anything like order. Then Lottie and Sophy had their quarrel, in the midst of which Chris and Peter arrived, and we went to dinner. Chris' folded his arms and put on a dogged and determined look as he took his place at the table. " I breakfasted off cold fowl," he said gloomily ' I lunched off cold fowl I refuse .to dine off it." My aunt grew tearful again. " This is not cold fowl," sho an swered. " It is turkey, and you might cat it. Cold beef will keep a day or two fowls and turkeys, with sauco over them, will not. Hut" turning to me resignedly " ring for the beef to ba brought in, Meg ; we have had enough unpleasantness for one day." "1 low is it there is a whole turkey left?" inquired Chris, somewhat molli liod as tho beef appeared. "It was Meg's fault," replied Aunt Charlotte. "She put it on that dark shelf behind tho cellar door, and I found it there this morning quite for gotten. Put I wonder, Meg, you did not notice that there were only two turkeys at supper; this would have been eaten if it had been there." ' I did not have any supper," I said, " for I thought there would not bj room." " That is merely an excuse," inter posed Lottie ; " you were spooning with John llowarth in the conserva tory all supper-time." I meant to look defiant, but 1 may have looked guilty. "Did he propose to you?" asked Sophy, staring at me. "I will put a stop to this nonsense about John llowarth," I said deter minedly. " You shall all know exactly how tho case stands, and then there will bo no excuse for any further dis play of stale wit at our expense. As Sophy supposes, Mr. llowarth did pro pose to me last night." "Oh, Chris," interrupted Lottie, "how could you hit my cat in such a savage way? Come here, Tip poor pussy I" " You should teach your cat not to stick his claws into one's leg at dinner time," retorted Chris; "then he wouldn't get bit." "He was not touching you 1" re turned Lottie, warmly. "He was beg ging quite inoffensively." " He was sticking his claws into my leg," reiterated Chris, with quiet and most aggravating obstinacy. " Now don t you two begin quarrel ing," said Sophy, impatiently, "but let Meg tell us about John llowarth. 1 have often read about proposals in tales but I have never heard of a real bona fide one described. Do tell us every word he said, Meg." " Did he go down upon his Knees asked Chris, 4,For if he did I wish I had been there to see him." "I shall not tell you whether he went down on his knees or not, 1 an swered, calmly ; "nor shall I tell you what ho said. Put," I added, with sentimental meditation, "he said some very nice things indeed to me nicer than you could put together, Chris, if you tried for a hundred years. My aunt suddenly burst into tears. " This is the finishing blow," she said "Meg going to be married I 1 will never give another party as long as I live 1 It Vi as against my better judg ment tli&t I yielded thia time. I did to please you all, and this is tho result furniture ruined, eatables wasted, your father ill, you all quarreling like this, and Meg going to be marriidl No, never another party in this house." "What not even when Meg mar ries John llowarth?" sneered Chris. "No, not even then," replied aunt, redoubling her sobs. "Well, dont cry, auntie, I inter posed, "for I am not going to marry him. I cave him a very decided No.'" Chris hero gave a quick covert glance in my direction, after which his assumption of perfect indifference seemed to me a trille overacted. Put aunt refused to be pacified; she had reached that state of mind when troubles are positively preferred to blessings. " Saying ' No ' to Mr. llowarth will not buy a new drawing-room carpet," she said, "or eat up all the tarts and custards and cakes. I am sure" warming to her subject "the waste has been shameful ! "When the con fectioner's n.an came this morning, I had not a single cake or jelly or blanc mange to send back, for every one had been broken into I And I saw you, Chris, take just a spoonful out of that j expensive porcupine, when a plainer cake already commenced was close bv you." " Oil, don t blame Chris lor tnat, auntie 1" I exclaimed. " It was done for Miss Jones, no doubt. If he had tho power, Chris would cut a bit oif tho Koh-i-Noor itself if sho asked him." "I would," said Chris; "she is worth a hundred Koh-i-Ncors." " Really 1" observed Peter, aroused at last from the gloomy lethargy that had possessed him all dinner time, and addressing Chris. "What a pity she does not regard you in the same light ! She told me last night how she hated dancing with you, saying that you were so clumsy you were constantly getting your feet on her dress." "Indeed!' retorted Chris. "She t'jld mo the very same thing about you." " I don t believe it, said Peter. "Do you mean to say I am telling lies?" demanded Chris. " Another quarrel 1" cried my aunt. " Oh, dear, dear, what will be the end of it all?" " The end of it all misrht be pleasant enough," I replied with energy, "if only every one of you would display a little common-sense. I am cut of patience with you all I" " ell, Meg," said Lottie calmly, " 'u generally seem to consider your self capable of setting the world to rights ; so can you set our little world straight? It seems to me we are all miserable. What can you suggest to make us happy?" " Common-sense," I repeated " only common-sense. Take my advice, anil peace will be restored at once." " Let us have it then," said my aunt querulously. " Oh, let us have 'Meg s advice at once ! " sneered Chris again. " How is It we have not thought or this pan acea earlier? " "I will commence with my uncle," I began, firmly. " Let him at least make him see the doctor to-night and ho will be better before morning." "That is good advice enough," said aunt, "and I will tell him." "As for you, aunt go to bed at once and forget your worries. We will start a subscription list for you, which I will head with live shillings; and if the others give with equal liberality, according to their means, you will bo al io to replace all the broken crockery and have the white hearth-rug cleaned also." " That is good advice too, and I will do my part by going to b d immedi ately," said aunt, meekly. "I am much obliged to you, Meg." "As for you, Peter,' I continued, severely, ' I think instead of quarrel ing with Chris about Miss Jones, you had better turn your attention nearer home. I know poor little Kittie Rey nolds would nearly cry her eyes out w hen she got home last night, or rather this morning." " i ou know more than 1 do then, returned Peter. " Yes, I do ; for I am in Kitty's con fidence, and you are not ; and 1 know what Kitty said to me when she was going home, and you do not. And my advice to you, Peter, is, make it up with Kitty, and leave Miss Jones for those who want her." " Capital advice I But I never asked you for it, you see; so I don't consider myself bound to take it;" and ho went on eating tarts. "And now, girls," I continued, look ing at Lottie and Sophy, "make up your minds to tho inevitable and chancre lovers. They are twins, and so much alike that you cannot always tell which is which ; and I think it must be merely contrariness in you two to pretend you like either one bet ter than the other; and" with just a careless glance at Chris 'contrariness never pays in tho end. bo take my advice, transfer your aitections quietly and say no more about it." Then 1 helped myself to some blanc mange, and went on eating my din ner. " But you have forgotten me," ob served Chris; "pray have you no advice lor me r I hesitated a moment, then looked at him defiantly. MVs!l " T ndid T tblnlr th advice ,1 have given Tcter might also apply I to you; instead of making yourself ridic ulous about Miss Jones, I think you mignt find some ono to admire nearer home." Then, owing to Peter's delighted "Bravo, Meg !" and Chris steady stare, I had a sensation that I had never ex perienced in all my self-possessed life before I think it was embarrassment and I roso hastily from the table and left the room, presumably to see "why that dog howled so." And Chris must have felt curious on tho point too, for he also left the table and fol lowed me to Nero's kennel. "When wo came in again Peter was standing in the hall with his top coat on, brushing his hat very carefully. " hy, Peter, I exclaimed, "where are you going? I should have thought you would have been more inclined lor bed than a walk. Where are you g ing?" l'eter looked at 113 with a curious mixture of defianc3 and eheepishness in his expression. " I am going to see Frank Reynolds," lie said. "He told me last night that he lias a little terrier he thinks I shall like, and he said he would let me have it cheap ; so I am going to look at it." "But, remarked Chris, pitilessly, "you know that Frank has gone away from home to day, and won't be back until Monday; and your journey will bo utterly fruitliss, will it not, if you find only Kitty in?" "I shall see the terrier," muttered Peter, putting on his hat, " and shall leave word whether I will have him or not." " Oh, I have no doubt it will bo all right," I remarked, with an innocent air. Peter looked at me, and then said: " What was the matter with Nero?" "Oh his chain I think his col lar !" I stammered, taken aback by the suddenness of his question, and ending by an appealing glance at Chris. "Never mind, never mind!" cried Peter, waving hi3 hands. "As you said, Meg, I have no doubt it will be all right; it's leap year, you know, and Chris hits only acted as any other man " Hero l'eter darted through tho hall door and slammed it after him, otherwise the hat brush would have struck him. When Chris and I entered the dining room aunt was there. " Your uncle has just seen the doc tor," smiling a little as she kissed me before saying good-night; "and, if any of the others have been as ready to act upon your advice, you can let us know in the morning. I think we are all ready for bed to-night." " I shall have to sit up for Teter," said Chris. " One of the servants can do that," said aunt. " No, they are all tired out," an swered Chris ; " and I shall like to sit up just to see poor Peter's bewilder derment when I ask him what is the color of his terrior." " (Jh, he won't be bewildered at all !" I put in. " He'll answer in all sim plicity, Plum color ' or 'Navy blue,' and then wonder why you look sur prised." When aunt had retired, I noticed that Lottie and Sophy were busy doing something to their photograph al bums, and, observing them quietly, I saw them exchange two photographs. 1 said nothing ; but when we all went upstairs together they were merrier than usual, and quito friendly again. Thus the day began so dismally ended right happily; and its results were happier still for Peter and Kitty are married and happy now ; Lottie and Sophy are whispering together about a forthcoming "double wel ding ;" and Chris having also conde scended to take "Meg's advice" for once has a wifo who worships tho very ground he treads on and he de serves it, too. The Itcasou Why. The original of the following quaint article was recently found in an old tower in the very ancient town of Chester, 'England. It was among a lot of old books, papers and diversilied rubbish that had just been unearthed by some repairs that wcro being made upon tho building : Tn " BKASON WHY." 1 Mr. A drinks because his doctor recoK niends him to " take a little." Mr. H because his doctor orders him not to drink, and he hates quackery. Mr. C takes a drop be.ausu ho's wet. Mr. 1) because lie s dry. Mr. K bocausa ho feels something rising. Mr. F because ho feels a sinking Mr. O because he went to see a friend off to America. Mr. 11 because he's got a friend just come from Australia. Mr. J because he's so warm in the even ing. Mr. K because he 8 bo cold in the moru- Mr. Ij because he line a pain in his head. Mr. M because he has a pain m his side. Mr. N because hu has a pain in li s back. Mr. () because ho has u pain in Ins cho-iU Air. 1' because he has pains all over him. Air. i) because he feels so light mid happy. Mr. H boeuuse bo feels i o heavy audmiser able. Mr. S 1 ecuuse he's married. Mr. T because he icn't. Mr. V because bo likes to see his friends. Mr. W because he's not uo friends. Mr. X because his uncle left him a lotracy. Mr. Y bticiiure his aunt cut him off with a shilling. Mr. Z because be went to Llandudno yes terd ty. (Uundudno refers toa neiahboiiUij town thut long, lontf uo was a famous re sort for liierry-iuukiug, etc.) The great Americ'aQ Uessert-rPie., life. " FOR THE FAIR SEX. I.nilim Wrnrlng Inserts. Were it not for the hundred and one little novelties which are constantly eing devised for the elaboration of her toilet the girl of tho period would die (f ennui. Just at present tho insect craze is upon us and the women folks arc docked out witli spiders, scorpions, dev IPs darning nee lies, pinch bugs, beetles and a whole range of ugly crawling nnd creeping things which are used for ornament9. 'Ihis only shows the superiority of art over na ture. One real bug or lively spider will throw a woman into convulsions ; but such is tho ameliorating effect of art that sho walks about with ill-concealed pride, fairly radiant under a dozen or more thousand-legged insects of blue, green, orange and red gilt. These hideous creatures are displayed in every part of the toilet, not so much for utility as ornament. They close a collar, loop a piece of drapery, fasten a bow of ribbon, lurk in the coils of prettily braided hair, peep out from the meshes of soft lace and thrust their ugliness against a pretty white neck or wrist. Sometimes these ornaments are of wood, gray, black or moldy silver, and so true to nature in size and shape that often kind-hearted men and ner vous ladies attempt to brush them off, and receive only a derisive smile for their solicitude. Such an experience tickles a girl's vanity, and she recites and chuckles over the occurrence for weeks after. This bug mania is about as ugly a specimen of art run mad as can be imagined, and goes to show tho inconsistency of a sex whose delicate sensibilities, through the dictates of fashion, can be reconciled to what, in nature, always has and always will b regarded as repulsive. When, a couple of years ago, the wives and daughters ol some South American magnate garnished their ballroom toilets with iridescent beetles, which were secured by invisible threads of wire and allowed to ramble over the satin bodice and corsage, so ciety threw up her arms in horrible dissfttet at the absurdity, which, as the leaders predicted, was of short dura tion. But the same prophecy would be pertinent in the present case. The trinkets are made of French gilt, high ly painted, and, as they come within the reach of every scullion and bar maid, it will not be long before the in novation has run its raco in popular taste. Chicago Herald. Fashion Note. The Persian cloth combines admir ably with camel's hair. Tan shades are appreciated alike by blondes and brunettes. Sleeves for children's dresses are gathered full at the top. Ribbon cockades, with cockscomb ends, are still holding a place in garni ture. All the light and delicate tints come in ladies' fine silk underwear for summer. The sailor suit, made of flannel or any light-weight cloth, is especially adapted for misses' wear at the seaside. An eccentricity of fashion is ex pressed in moss bonnets, trimmed with berries, a bird's nest or small humming birds. To wear at watering places are dresses made in Dresden-China styles of India silk in quaint Pompadour pat terns. Although in many instances the gold and colored spotted nets for veils are so unbecoming, fashion still favors them. The Sea-shell is the latest novelty in hats; it is trimmed plainly with double or single bows and clusters of small birds. Many attractive suits for the warm weather are made of very line cheese cloth and trimmed with plaitings edged with lace. A novel fan simulates in shape and color a begonia leaf; it is of pressed velvet, with a handle like the stem of tho natural leaf. White dresses are much worn for morning, afternoon and evening occa sions, simply or elaborately trimmed, according to the occasion. Human flair. The latest theory is that tho import ed foreign human hair is liner than tho hair of native Americans, partly be cause it is cut from the heads of the peasantry of Europe, who wear caps constantly, which keep the hair smooth and clean. Tho American ludians have hair as coarse as straw, and there is a much greater infusion of Indian blood in tho old American lam 1 es than we, with our imperfect knowl edge of and interest in genealogy, usually imagine, says an alleged ex pert. People with any taint of Indian blood are apt to have long, heavy heads of hair, and they, like Indians, keep their hair always. Who over heard of a bald-hoaded Indian brave? Japan's Army, Tho Hochi fihinbun, a Japanese newspaper, gives some particulars of the army of Japan, as follows: General otllcers, 30; colonels, ii53; captains, lieutenants, etc., 2,;i5'J; staff otlicers, 2,0o'j ; cadets, 78 ; non-commissioned ollicers, 0,018; rank and file, 109,4; workmen, etc., 70J; total. THE BAGGAGE MAN. With many a curve the trunks I pitch, With many a shout and sally ; At station, siding, era sing, twitch, On mountain :ra'Je or valley, I heave, I push, I sling, I toss, With vigorous cnJeavor, And men may smile and men grow cross, But I slintf my trunk foreyerl Kver 1 ever I I bust tho trunk forever 1 I prumblo over traveling bags And tnnnstrons sample cases; But I can Fmli the maker's brags 1-ike plaster l'aris vases. They holler, holler as I go ( But they can't f-top me never, Pot they will lo.irn ju." what I know A trunk wont l ist forever 1 ler! never 1 1 tii'. I jerk, I pant, I sweat, I ics t!:e light valises ; And w! al's too big to throw, yon bet I'll fire it round in pieces. They muimnr, murmur, everywhere, But I will heed them never Tho' women weep and strong men swear I'll sling their trunks forever I Ever 1 ever 1 I'll bust their trunks forever ! . - i HUMOROUS.' The new Western 'weather prophet is proud of his name Straw. He is sure he can tell which way the wind will blow. lionton Courier. Somo people are never satisfied. Show them how to live happily on a small income, and they will, want you - to furnish tho income. Picayune. . As soon as tho itch. for office breaks out on a man he begins to write let ters. It is li s method of bringing the public up to the scratch. Picayune. "A Florida man has un alligator farm," says nn exchange. 15y-and-bye this item will read : " A farm of alli gators has a Florida man." Neio York Uommercia1. , Jack Oldstock "AVe're very proud )f our ancestry you know." Tom Par venu" Yes, I know ; but how would four ancestry feel about you?" Ear tard Lampjon. Somo ono says: "Xo thoroughly oc cupied man was ever miserable." IIow about the man occupied in fighting a dozen hornets which have got up his trousers ? Boston Post. Harper's Iia ar says a widowshould be married in a bonnet. She would have to be an exceedingly diminutive widow, for the bonnets nowadays are not big enough to marry a mouse in. Drrick. Since it has become popular for girls to attend baseball matches they have picked up enough of the talk of the game to speak of. these lovers who go away at night at a reasonable hour as short stops. Philadelphia Herald. A Pennsylvania man has applied for a pension because he lost one tooth during the war. The fact that he only lost one tooth would seem to indicate that he never got near enough to the front to chew hard tack. Philadel phia News. Shingles were split by hailstones in Tennessee the other day, and women who are obliged to split kindlings in the morning aro thinking seriously of . moving to Tennessee where the ele ments are more considerate than thoughtless husbands. Hartford Post. It Is all well enough to say with the poet that truth, wherever found, will draw forth homage from the pure heart ; but just go and tell a woman once that her little boy is one of the dirtiest imps in town, and see how much homage you will draw from her heart, no matter how pure it may be. Puclc. Sound. Take loaded cannon 1,01)0 miles out on the oce;in; leave it there to be fired off by machinery; remove every human being out of hearing; then let the gun be fired off ; would there bo any sound after tho explosion, there being no ear in hearing distance? " The answer to this question depends upon what sound is held to be. If sound is the effect produced by vibrations of the air upon tho drum of the ear there would, in tho caso given, be no sound. The causes would be present, but there could be no effect because there is no ear-dru.u to produce it. Force travels in air at about 1,100 feet a second. An authority says: " Whenever a greater velocity than this is given to any par ticles of air they must compress the particles in the air in front of them. This compressed portion of air, by its elasticity, springs out, and thus the force travels through the air, producing what is called a wave of sound. The ear i-i designed to take cognizance of these pulses of force, waves or tremors with ctrtain limits." It there is no ear thero is nothing to take " cogni zance of these pul esof force, waves or tremors," and hence no sound. What Celluloid Is. Celluloid, although originally invent I'd by an Englishman, and known under bis auspices as Xlomite, has been brought to great perfection, and an ilium-US' trado is done in it as a ma terial for knife handles. It may not be generally known that the main arti cle in its composition is tissue paper, and that camphor is largely used in its preparation, while it owes its hardness to the admixture of the pigment of; white rijjo lead. Z
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers