13 PVJiUfln&D EVEnY WEDNESDAY, BT W. Tt. DUNN. orrwB in noTOuwiH bonkee's buTLDeto, ELM BTBEET, TIOHEBTA, Pi. TKRMS, 2.00 A YEAH, S bnj-lptlon received for a horter lrbl than threo month. Correspondence solicited from all part t M oonntry. No notice will be tnkou of aaiwoyroou communications. W. !.... ----- BUSINESS DIRECTORY. TIONESTA LODGE mK5tTfl tvnrv Frldav evenlnir. at 8 il o'clock, In the Hall formorly oucupiod fry the Olood. Templars. 7 S. II. HASLET, N. O. 1. T. DALE, Soc'y. 27-tf. Samuel D. Irwin, ATTORNEY, COUNSELLOR AT LA W and Htt.VL ESTATE AUENT. Lenal BiuM promptly attended to. Tlone-ita, i-a. m. kiwtok rrri. mil w. tat. H1TTI1 A TATK, ATTORNEYS AT LAW, -, ro-vr.sTM.iM W. W. If MP, Qeergt i. JV, SrMk.J, r. Mason. A Jenks, ATTOnXRY AT I. AW. office on Kim Street, above Walnut, Tioneita, Pa. T. W.Hays, ATTOUHKT AT LAW, and Not A nv TvmiAC, Reynold Hnkill A Co.' y .k, gnoa St., oil City, Pa. S-ly T. irPiiK. . B. SUU.RT. KIXXEA X SMILE Y, iwrniri at Law, - - Traiiklln, Pa. I5HACT1CE In Ui ererl Court of V uiro, Crawford, Forest, and a.ltoln ta( e,anlie. S'J-ly. .A anil, B. B. FAMITT, HARRIS &-FJSSETT, Mtncya at Tltuavlll Penn'a. PACTICK In all th ConrU of Worren, Csawfcrd, Fornt and VenaiiRO Coun- rHTSICIAXS svnaEoss, 1. WII1I8, V. 9., ana 3. E. ELUIE, M. D. ar.vlav ntr(l Into a eo-pnrtnsr-hfT, all Milt, liiiht or dar, will reewive imm(ii'4te attsation. Ofllce at resi(Jinc of Dr. I- Klia St., Tloneata, Pa. .lO ly J. H. Heivly, QRfJEON DENTIST. In Hc-honbm' J Biiildini;, betwe.-n Centre and Syia- unr StA.. Oil Citv. Pa. All operation dune In a careful manner nd warranted. Chloroform and ether ad ministered when required lr tho case will r.imlt. 15-l.V Clarles B. Afart, DHKTIBT, Centre Street, OH City, Pa. laMraoaa' Itlock.' Lawrervca House, 'IAIONF.STA. PA.. O. O. RUTTER 1 FIELD. Pbopbiktoti. This liousn U entrallv located. Kvervthlntr new and w!l furniyhed Superior a-jooiuraoda- tiona and atrict attention clven to Kiiest Vretablos and FrulLs of all kinds served 1nll!lr aa;ion. oampio room ior torn mareial Agents. Tlonetta House. ITT EL, Proprietor, Elm St. Tio . . . . . . . i r .1. 1, M . ? A neuia, i a., ai tow uiuutu 'u ' Mr. Iltl hai thoroinridy renov.tled the llonesta House, and re-furnished l ram jl.telv. All wh) natrnnUe him will be wall entertained at reasonable rates. 20 ly FOREST HOUSE, DrtLACK PROPRIETOR. Opposite Court House, Tloneata, Pa. Just pened. Everything new and olean ami froh. Th best el' liquor kept constantly n band. A portion ot tne puonc patron a 1 respectfully solicited. 4-17-1 v National Hotel, 'PIDIOUTE, PA., BenJ. Elliott, proprle X tor. Thi house has been newly ftirn luhedandi kept in irood style, fluests will be made oomfortablo here at re.tson v LI rate. 9 ly, Scott House, PiOrXDUS. PA.. V.. A. Roberts, Pro t nrietor. This ho'el Iris been re 'ently r-farnished and now oilers superior itnodations to kuc'. s-iy. Dr. J. L. Ar.om.b, PHYSICIAN AND RU l!fi EON, who lms I had nn.en years' experience in i larjre aad successful nnu'llco, will attend ail Profesaional Calls. OSico iu his Drug and 4Jroery fctor. located in lidioute, near riiieute House. IN II 18 STORK WILL HE FOUND A full assortment of Medicines, Liquor Tobaeeo. Cisjara, Stationery, tilass. Paints, 0:ls, Cutlery, all of the tieal quality, anc will be sold at rousonaluo I'alos. DR. CHAS. O. DAY, an experienced f hvslelau and Druslst Irom New iork ha ohara of tho Store. All prescriptions vat up accurately. a a. ir. jo. r. rix. a. kii.lt. MA Y, PARK A CO., "oraer of Elm it Walnut Sta. Tlonoata. Bank of Discount and Der.oiiit. f alr8t allowed on Time Deposltti, follMtioairaadeon all tho Principal points of the U. S, Colleotlon solicited. 18-ly S A- IULS, fr..t- I T. KALI, OM.r. SAVINGS BANK, Tiouesta, Foregt Co., Pa. Thl Bank transact a Oeneral nankin;?, t olloetiug aud Exchano ltusiness. Drafts on the Principal Cities of the I'niUnl States and Europe bought and sold. tjold and Silver Coin and Government (-eeuiities bought and sold. 7-M bonds C'livc.tcd on tue most favorable term. Interest allowed on time tleptsit. rei. I, Uf. VOL. VI. NO. 28. J. B. LONG, aANUFACTURER of and Dealer la HARNESS, 3ADDLES, WHIPS, ROBES, CURRY CO.MP.S, BRUSHUS, HORSE CLOTH1NO, and everything In the lino. In Bonner Aauow's'Block, adjoining Drug Store. 7 Frank Itobklns, PHOTOOItAPIIER, (HUOOKSSOK TO PI'MINO.) Plcturos in every atyloof the art. View of the oil rcglous lor salo or taken to or der. CENTRE STREET, noar U, R. eroding. SYCAMORE STREET, near Union Do- pot, Oil City, Pa. 20-tf THE BOOT & SHOE STORE OUT TIZDIOTTTIE 1 1T 15. STEVENS. Proprietor. Partlea ll in want of FINK Boms and Shoes will alw ays find a good assortment at Steven' w nen yon fwijanw r rnni i loausia and you will bo liberally dealt with. G-Om . N. K. HTliVKNS. NEW BILLIARD ROOMS! DJOIN'INn the Tionesta House, at th I month of Tionesta Creek. 1 he table and room ure now, and everything kept In order. To lovers or the .rume a cordial invitation is extended to come and play in urn new ruuiu. i. .1 Kl T'f'I'l.'I I....'.. QONFECTIONARIEg AdXEW, at tho Tost Office, ha J. opened out a choice lot of GROCERIES, CONfECriONARIKS, CASXLD FRUITS, 7 0BACC0S, CIGARS, AXD NOTIONS OF ALL KINDS. A portion of tho patronage of tho publi Is rosspootiuliy nolicitod. GROCERY m PROVISION STORE .V TIONESTA. GEO. W.B0VARD&C0. HAVE Jnt brought on a ooiuplate an carelully selected stock of FLOUR, GROCERIES, TROVISIOIfS, and everylhinn necessary to the eomplet s'.neic ola tii-si-eiassnroeery nouse, wnicn thev have opened out at their eslamiso nteht on Elm St., first door north of M. b. Church. TEAS, COFFEES. SUGARS, SYRUPS. FRUITS, SPICES. HAMS, LARD, a xn rno rmioxs of all ktnds. at the lowest cah prices. Ooods warrant ed to be or the bet quality, call ana ex amine, and w believe wean suit you. UKU, V . liv) V Al.u at tv. Jan. a, '72. RUBBER GOODS, RUBBER GOODS, RUBBER GOODS, RUBBER GOODS, AT II. . TlXItlUt fc CO.'S CENTRE STREET, OIL CITY, PA, We have an Immense-assortment of the above irood iu every style and quality imaginable, as for instance : H Inch Two ply Reltlng. 2 inch Two-plv Heltinir. 21 inch Two-ply Bolting. 2 Inch Three-ply Rnltint;. 2) inch Three-ply Heltiui;. 8 Inch Thiee-piv llultm. . 3! Inch Threo-ply Helling. 4 inch Three-ply lloltmir. A inch Three-ply bolting, 0 Inch Three-ply HHting, 7 inch Threo-ply Hotting. 8 Inch Fonr-ply Reltintr. 9 Inch Four-ply Melting. 10 Inch Four-ply HoltiiiK 12 inrh Four ply Bel ing- FIVE-PLY AND ENDLESS BELTS TO ORDER ON SHORT NOTICE. Wo caientee satisfaction In every in stance. We are headquarter for th above goods. H. G. TINKER & CO. Qrnn T1CC' We have just issued kJ x itil i k;k waltzes in t wo vol uiucs, price fi each in boards, S each in cloth. The two volumes contain over forty beautiful Waltzes, worth at least in a!ffiffl;FAV01UTEotlDh dealers bo nuriicular to ask lor PtTKKS KunitiN or Stbauts' Waltiks, as Hi the only correct and eomidcle edition. Ad dross J.L.PJ"i Elt;S7- T rn lo Musio Publisher, V SXXJ X Jl-kJ. Vj Bi'Oa'Iwsy, Niw York. y'oy. 12. at Jy My Ky. TIONESTA, PA., A COW TILI.IO.N. Fred. Lander, a popular restaurant- er in Krio, is the hero of the following hiatoricul sketch, which is embraced in these two items from tho JJupateh ol that city. Item iso. 1 : Fred Lander found three cows yes can and terday afternoon. The property be hud by calling upon him paying charges. Item No. I. The local in yesterday's paper about Fred Lander's tinding linen cows, ore ated a little conl'usiou with one of the I. E. conductors, whom we will call Brown, llo got home Friday morn ing very early and retired. He hud uot been asleep but a short time when his better half awoke him nud told htm tlicir cow liau been gone since Wednesday night, and could uot be found. "Yes," said he, and turned over in bed for another snooze. She shook him again and told nim the same story over again, and said that there woce three cows advertised By Fred Lander. He then cot up aud looked at the Dispatch, then he ex claimed ; "Any mua that'd shut up a cow for two tlavs before he advertise! them, is too mean to live, and is dirty. low. &c, you know the rest, lie ate his brealtfuot aud called for a boiled shirt, ami cussed Fie J Lauder and the cow: then he swore because there was so much starch ia the shirt, especially the sleeves; then lie cussed again and said Fred Lauder would know him very well inside ot an Hour. 11 would introduce himself. Calling his bov to him and said he wanted him to go'along so ris to bring the cow home. His wiiu then gave him $4.00 to pay the charges. He started out ou the corner of Eleventh and Parade and met his friend buulh. who asked nun what was the matter. Brown said that "anv tuau who willjshut up cows for two'days before he advertises tbein too mean." &c. By this time he was getting warm, aud took off his hat, mopped his lace witti his coat sleeve, He linally got to Fred's, after stopping three-limes more and telling his friends the lingo about "any niau," &c, Fred wai in and the following couvcrsatiou took placo : "Your name is Lander, I believe "You can bet two to one on that "You advertise three cows that you found." "Yes. sir I found three cows." "Well," sid Brown, "auy man that would shut up cows two ilays. &c Fred told him not to get excited but to eomo out aud pick out his prop erty, as they were Iceding. K rea took Brown out anil tdiowed him n small piece of class about two inches square, Willi a picture ou it ot tiireecowsBraz mg. Brown s under jaw uroppeti, auti his eves were about the size oi tw saucers. At length ne got ins oieain ard said. "Sold." His little boy com menced to laiiuli ; he told htm to shut up or he would fix him ; that he ought to be ashamed to luuli when lus lutu er was talkimr. Ho gave the boy lor tv cents to buy a watermelon, and Kent him home with balance of the 84.00. theu commenced to pay the charges. It was at the second battle of Bull Run that a cannon ball carried off a poor soldier's leg. ' Carry mo to the rear I lie cried to tall Yankee companion, who had been fighting by bis side. lhe Xaukee caught the wounded soldier up, and as he was about to put him across his shoulders auother cau- nou ball carried away tho poor fellow's head. The Yankee, however, in the confusion, did not notice this, but pro ceeded with his burden to the rear. What are you carrying thai thing for?" cried aq officer. "Thing !" returned the Yankee. "It's a man with his leg shot oil"." "Why, he hasu'l any head!" cried the officer. The Yankee looked at his load, and for the first litno saw that what the officer suid was true. Throwing down the body, he thundered out: ' Confound huu he told me it was his leg 1" "Sam," said a darkey to his ebouy brother, "how am it tlat ilia yaa tele praf carries do uews froo dem wires?" "Will. Cavar, now you s'pute dur am a big dog free miles long." "Neber was bich big dogs; don't b'lieb dat?" "You jess wuit a minit; l'se ouly illustratin', you stupid nigger. Now, did yaa dog you sec, jess puts his front ieets on de Hobokeu sho , an he puts his behind feels on de New York sho . " x easa. " "V.Yl' B nr.to Villi U-M 1 If oil dis vaa dou's tail in New York "Yt-ssa." "He'll bark, wou't he?" "Yessa." "Now whar will dat dog bark?" !'Iu Hobokeu, I calc'late." "Datum jess it! You walk on dat dog's tail in New Y'rk, au' he bark in Hobokeu ; an' ddt'u do way de tele graf works!" "Yessa'j dasso dasso! You'bO right, by golley." OCTOBER 15. 1873. TUB DAMBDIIY HAT IN VERMONT. We are convinced now beyond any further doubts, that the science of per sonal fraud is rapidly gaining ground iu America. Concrete, general and iu detail, fraud gains ground fearfully. e phnuld not dare to assert that The Danbury News Mao is a fraud every body knows that he isn't. Ue is phun ny but not phraudulent ; witty hut not wicked : and we don t suppose he is at all responsible for the mercantile in iquity ot soino hat manufacturer s use of bis name as an advertising dodge i and a familiar bow should bo renicm to sell "The Danbury News Man's i bered by gentlemen who wish to make Hat." Notwithstanding which a very curious fraud was thereby perpetrated, during the Vermont State Fair at Rutland, last week. A rcau ot fin, whoso wardrobe lacked a hut to relieve him from looking as seedy us editors are usually expected to look, had been trying to "lilt a hut from the Bark well House rack, but owing to the care- lulness of Air. Crampton and Ins watchful attendants he got no chaDco to gobble one. But he watched the opportunity, and followed to the aide- walk a lashiotiably-drcssed individual who had just come out from dinner, gcttiug to the cars to leave Rutland. He said to him with fearful indigna tion, "Sir, you have made a serious mistake, aud deprive nie r.t the only hat I have a right to claim this side of Danbury." "lour hat I Oh! JNo! I bought this hat to (lav, sir; only an hour ago, sir, up the street, here." "No doubt of your honest mistake, sir; I don't think you would iuten ally steal my hat; nevertheless, sir, you nave stolen it. loull hud my name printed in it. I m an editoi,s:r, and good hats are scarce with us, ns vou nrobablv know. I am tho .'Dan bury News Man,' sir; look and see if my name is in that hut. Ihe aston leheil ccutleman. who had paid more attention to the. style of his hat thau to its name, when he hail purchased it, nervously uncovered, conhdentlv look ed into it, and there found the epitaph "lhe Danbury News Mans Hat. W ith an humble apology no surreo dered his hat to Mr. Bailey's counter feit. and received the battered substi tute so indignantly oU'cred him. A speedy return to the hotel added to tho confused embarrassment of the gentleman who found there no proper ty ho could rightfully claim, "lie s a cussed fraud 1" was all the remark we heard as the stronger with his seedv hat hurried tuwards the cuts again We did not suppose he meant the Danbury News Man was a fraud. lie referred to the other individual, whom we afterwards saw standing in a wag on ou th3 Fai. Grounds, putting gen uine one, two and live dollar bills into little pink lined boxes, all id' whicli he sold for tit'ly cents each, and as he was tloitig a thriving business he fre quently uud very genteely tipped a nobby new hat to his fervent custom ers, of whom ho was robbing stamps by his gambling tricks. Bennington Banner. A better picture of poor human na ture was never written even by Charles Dickens then this little bit of wholesome and instructive fun from the Daubury News: "An aged couple on Wooster street are very fond of checkers, and play quite frequently. When he beats at the game, she loses her temper, and declares she will not play agaiu. It vexes him to see her act so, but he controls the irritation and talks to her about it. He tells her how wrong it is for people at their nge in life to be disturbed by such trifles, and ehnws her so clearly the folly of such a course that she becomes ashamed of her weakness, and returns to tho game, and plays i', so well that she beats him. Theu ho throws the checkers in one direction, and kicks the board iu an other, aud says he will not play with anybody who cheats so allfiredly, and stalks moodily to bed, and leaves her tu pick up the thinks." A man in Albany county, New York, kicked auother man and was arrested for so doing. And when brought beforo a justice of tho peace, he informed ids honor that the man he had kicked was u lightning rod man. The justice at once discharged him, with th iviinuk: ''The man who wouldn't kick a lightning rod mail wherever he finds one, is unfit to en joy tho liberties for which Washington - .... ... .1, lought and Ihomas l ame wrote. That justice had paid 8500 for light n i tig rods on his house lust spring. Father Boyle, of Washington, has doubtless a well-developed bump of humor. Of him it is reported that on one occasion, atl-lrvn.iinj a school ou the subject of Easier celebrations, a young miss asked luui : "Father Boyle, what is the origin of Easter eggo?" "A hen, uo doubt, miss," replied the Father, quietly. Two pairs of stairsjiro ueccssary to every newspaper office in North Caro lina one lor tho editor to go down as the caller ccmcs up the other. $2 PER ANNUM. THE ETK1CETTE OF BOWINO. An exchange says: This is so sim ple that one would suppose it scarcely possible that difference of opinion could exist, and yet there are some who think it a breach of politeness if one neglects to bow, although meeting half a dozen times on a promenade or in driving. Custom has made it ne cessary to bow only the first time in passing; after that exchange of salu tations is very properly uot expected. Iho ditlerence between a courteous a favorable impression. A lady dis likes to receive irom a man with whom she has but n alight acquaintance a how, accompanied by a broad smile, as though he were on the most ftimil ar terms with her. It is far better to err on the other side and give oue of those stitT, ungracious bows which some men indulge iu. Those gentle men who smile with their eyes lustead of their mouths, give the must charm ing bows. As ior men who bow char mingly at one time aud with excessive hauteur at otheis, according as they feel iu a good or bad humor, they need never be surprised if tho person thus treated shouli cease speaking altogeth er. A man should always lift his hat to a lady. A Nashville mail was awakened tho other night by a pain in his stomach, and thinking cholera was at hand, he clutched for a bottle of camphor which he kept on the table, ready tor instant use, aud commenced to apply it with vigorous rubbing to his abdomen. He experienced immediate relief, but was considerably surprised at not perceiv ing the strong scent of camphor, cms pectiug that he might have made a mistake, ho lighted the gas and niado an inspection, which resulted in the discovery that instead of camphor ho had used a bottle ot ink. A subscriber wroto to the editor of a I'ewtirk paper to ask the meaning of tho phrase Mors omnibus communis. The editor said it was a French sen tence, intended to explain something about Morse's omnibus being of ser vice to tho community. At the same time, he said the sentence was evident ly constructed by some idiot, who thought he understood French, when he didn't, and consequently several important words were left out. The Courier Journal furnishes the follow "answers to correspondents A youthful corref poden t desires to kuow how we would like to sail with Professor Wise in his balloon voyage to Europe. If you will go, my dear boy, and climb the least of the niauy piles of twenty dollar gold pieces that would he required to hire us to under take such a voyage, you will find that its summit is 'wrapped in perpetuul snow. A gentleman addicted to scientific inquiry, has discovered that thirty three days complete the cycle of the pidato bug generation; that 700 of the critters are the average produce of the female, from which the lamily grows in the secoud generation to zbo, 000 and in the third to 85,000,000. here are not cy pliers enough in any existing type foundry to express the number iu tho tenth generation. That chap of 138 years, who slew his 19 acres of grass before breakfast just because of a slight "ounplcasunt ness which happened between linn and his grandfather, may yet have to forfeit hu laurels, as they have in Kit tery a youngster of 89 summers who walks around his two hired bauds with comparative ease. Fifty years more of continued practice will tell the story. A conductor on tho Fort street route was passing through the crowded car, tesienlay morning, when he picked up a fifty cent slnuplaster. Holding tip, he u.-Ued who had lost it, when fourteen bauds went up and fourteen persons called out, "I did." The con doctor put the money in his pocket. IJctnot i reo 1 ress. "What would you give," asked conceited young mau, of a venerable irentlemaii, silting opposite him nt thu table, "to be as young and sprightly us 1 urn f 1 he old gentleman relied ed a moineut, and then solemnly said "1 doul t kuow but what 1 would ul most be willing to be as foolish us you are. A John Bull, conversing- with an Indian asked him if he knew the sun never sets in the Queen's dominions ".No, said the Indian. IJo you know the reason why? inked John "Because (Jod is afraid to trust Fjiiglitjhmau iu the duik,"wus tho sav age's reply, However strong a man's resolution may be, it costs him something to car ry it out, now and then. We may do tcriniiio not to gather any cherries, and keep our hands sturdily in our pockets, but we can't prevent our mouths from watering. Rates of Advertising. One Squared Inch,) ono Inertlon (IM Ono Square " ono month - - 3 O-i One Square " three inontlis 8 OV OnoNquaro " ono year 10 o Two Squares, ono year - - - 15 00 Quarter Col. ' - . . 30 00 Half " " - - - , 50 UO One " " - - - - 100 tJ Local not lees at established rated. Marriairo and death notices, gratis. All bills for yearly advertisumeuta 'col lected quarterly. Temporary advertise ments must be paid for in advance Job work, Cash on Delivery. I'NM'tKV DAVIS OF MATRIMONY. We may possibly bo doing a service to somo of our readers by informing them (on the authority of a manu script of tho fifteenth century quoted in the "Book ot Days. ) that (hero are just thirty-two days in the year upon which it is unadvisuble to join hands, namely : Seven in January, tin ee each in February, March and December, two each in April, Juno. July, August, September aud Novem ber, aud ono in October, so that Jan uary is the worst and October the best month for committing matrimony, tho actual unlucky days being theso : Jan- nary 1, 2, 4, b, 10, 15; February b, 8, 18 ; March 1, C, 8 ; April C, 11 ; May 5. 6,7; June 7, 14; July 5, 10; Au gust 12, 17 ; September G, 17; Octo ber 0 ; November lo, lb, 17. As to which is tho best days of tho week, why Monday for wealth ; Tuesday for health I Wednesday- th best of all i Thu rsday for crosxoa ; Friday lor losses ; Baturday no luck at all. To make a tall man short Try to borrow five dollars of him. Thero is nothing so effective in bringing a man up to the scratch as a healthy, high-spirited flea. It was Voltaire who Bftid : "Ideas aro like beard; men only get them when they are grown up, and women never have auy." "C-c-c-can that p-p-p-parrot talk ?" asked a stuttering man of a German. Veu he don t talk so petter as you, 1 schop, by tarn, his head off." A New Jersey Justice said that the word "testimony" had an V in it, and the lawyer who disputed him was filled 810 for contempt of court. A western city thinks that it is be coming a great intellectual center be cause one citizen !3 recently arrested for stealing two encyclopedias. "Yer can't stuff that cro down this chicken," from a young lady in Indi ana, meant that she did not credit her teacher's statement that the sun ia larger than the earth. Scene in court: Judge "Have you anything to offer to the court beforo sentence is passed on you?" Prisoner No, Judge; I had ten dollars, but my lawyer took that." Yhen a feller makes his arm around his gal, und she was liken dot pooty veil, dhen dot was bhkribture, ou ukound it was maken habbiness coma ou some waist blaces, don't it?" The new laws of Nebraska imposo fines for "profane sweat ing done by any person of the age of fourteen years und upward." Children uuder fourteen may swear gratuitously as be. foro. A Judge at Montgomery, Ala., re ceutly interrupted a very flowery young orator with "Hold on, hold on, 'my dear sir 1 Don't go any higher I You are already out of the jurisdic tion of this court; Here is the latest discriptiou of a kiss; "'Twas night. A real warm couple stood iu the pule, cold moon beams. Iheir lips touched, and there was a sound like a cow hauling her hoof out of the mud." lie is a true philanthropist who kicks into the cutter the banana skius and orange peels ho finds on the side walk. But he is a truer philanthro pist who also kicks into the gutter the wretch that threw them there. The near-sighted l.eu that ate saw dust, supposing it to bo corniueal.theu went and luid a nest full of bureau knobs, sat on them three weeks aud hutched out u complete set of parlor furniture, was a pretty fair hen. A German Jew was eating a pork chop in a thunder storm. On hearing au unusually loud clap, ho laid down his kuife and fork, and observed : "Veil, did any poty efer hear such a fubs upout a leedle becce of bork?' An American gives this report of his Loudon travels: "I asked the dis tance. 'Well,' said my informant, 'it aiu't very fur. It's about five drinks and a segar off if you walk, or two drinks it you ride.' That's a way they have of measuring distances iu Lon don." A new veisiou of "Old Uncle Ned" has become popular in the suburbs. It runs something as follows: "Theu pull up the wicket and the stake, aud put by the cuillet aud ball; for uo mure croquet u ue piayen mis year, this it i getting too late iu the fall." A few mornings ago.suys a Kentucky rural paper, we meekly approached an emigrant wagon and inquired of its austere proprietor, "Whiilni bound?" My lord removed his quid to tho lar board siJo of his mouth und coolv re marked : "Nono of your d d busi- I ne. Aud it wusii t cither.
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers