61 Behrend Beacon O
April 1,2010 till
I www.thebehrendbeacon.com
MY VOICE
The importance of convenience
These suggestions I am about
to make are directed toward the
majority of the students here at
Penn State Behrend: an under
classman living on campus with
no regular transportation to get
on and/or off campus.
After all, this is a branch
campus, no matter what mar
keting strategy the good people
of Behrend come up with.
Also, the tearing down of the
radio station office in the bot
tom of Reed to put in a com
mon hangout area is an idea
long over due.
For the students who cannot
travel off campus to find enter
tainment, mostly because of the
lack of substantial entertain
ment on campus on a regular
basis, this is a huge step in the
right direction.
A suggestion of mine how
ever, would be to do more than
just implement a student
lounge with TV's and video
games, but to also add some of
the more stereotypical game
room activities.
So far there are only two
table tennis tables available to
students who do not live in Ni
agara (those tables being in the
lobby of the now new dining
hall).
And for those students fortu-
THE EDITOR’S BLURB
Enough with the negative statuses!
•am #.
opinion editor
4701 Co "’ 9 n„ D ™ ,oh" pa 16563 The Behrend Beacon
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nate enough to live in Niagara,
they are allocated a measly
pool table (the only one on
campus mind you) and a few
other games in the basement.
I would love to see some kind
of entertainmem
Reed.
This used to
no longer than a
ago, and it w'
popular. Why cl
Other very mi
tremely he!
changes would
to put a fe 1
treadmills in tin
bottom of each
dorm.
This was
tried in Ohio
Hall, but they
broke down
from overuse
and immaturity
but that was
reason to exti
them! That is jus,
call out that stu
dents need more
than the two dozen
treadmills and elliptical ma
chines in the Junker Center (A
very long, cold walk in the win
ter).
Living in Lawrence I know
for a fact there is bountiful
Let me make this perfectly
clear to all Facebook users.
If I have to see one more
cryptic, depressed, discouraged
or unenthusiastic status update,
I will personally hunt that per
son down and perform neuro
surgery on them with a
screwdriver and a soldering
gun.
Everyday I log onto Facebook
and am bombarded with 63
new updates from friends who
incessantly complain about
how crappy their life is.
, Whether it’s a failed relation
ship, a bad exam or just some
! mundane bulls«r *% that I
don’t care about. The Face
book community never fails to
harsh my mellow.
To those who frequently in
dulge in the passive-aggressive
attempt at attention/sympathy
that is the “cryptic status,” 1
must ask you a simple ques
tion: Is your life really that
bad?
Are you homeless? Are you
starving? Is a Janjaweed death
squad standing outside you
door ready to rend, pillage and
disembowel you in front of
your family?
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space available to put exercise
equipment in the old psychol
ogy labs, so why not fill that
dust space with something?
As for the other dorms, I’m
sure there can be some space
for a few
ipecially in
\t is Senate
ALEC ITALIANO
sports editor
to campus would
lighten the mood of many stu
dents in the monotonous cycle
of eat, work and sleep.
Just last week I was forced to
resort to the “mop” look be
cause of the inconvenient trans-
SEND I “C
If you answered “no” to all of
those questions, then please
shut the hell up. You officially
have it better then at least three
billion other people on this
planet.
Now that I have taken my ex
amples to the extreme, I hon
estly want to say that I'm not
trying’to be insensitive.
I understand how stressful
college can be and, I too, have
had my heart broken. It sucks.
I’ve been there, done that, got
the T-shirt and demanded a re
fund. However, let’s please
keep in perspective how good
we have it as college students.
Every morning I wake up and
usually the first thought that
pops into my head is, “Damn it.
I don’t wanna go to class.” I
then procrastinate getting out
of bed and my mind tends to
wander. I worry about my
classes, my future, my loans
and how much I wish I could
wake up next to someone who
truly loves me.
Then I think about how I’m
not malnourished, I’m not nurs
ing a bullet wound (or several),
I’m not being sold on the black
market as a sex slave, and I’m
Editor*
Sports Editors:
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Opinion Editor:
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>ming off as
if a kid that
iding every
thing from
■ampus, but
ract is Penn
ite Behrend
just too far
way from
ly shopping
ea.
Just
have some
imm o n
es like a
ter shop or
■ rental
(something
iple as a Red
Box in Reed) close
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poitation provided by EMTA to
Behrend campus.
These are things such as a
convenience store in Reed. It
seems very logical to have a
place to be necessity items that
the average student on campus
would need to bum a ride to
Wal-Mart to get.
Mercyhurst College of Erie
has one of these stores in their
main freshmen halls, and a
common place for students
who run out of things such as
toothpaste and other toiletry
items.
I would like to see the con
venience store sell everything a
typical one would sell; yes, in
cluding tobacco products. But
that is an argument for a differ
ent column.
I was at first very skeptical
about going to school here, but
the voice from alumni were
right, I fell in love with the cam
pus. But, let’s take this campus
to the next level; let us promote
Behrend to the top.
These simple changes will
make Behrend a better place to
live across the board.
Then maybe in five years we
can get a 30-foot connecting
sidewalk from the back of OBS
to the path to Bruno’s and we
can see some grass grow there.
not waking up to a bayonet in
my stomach.
I realize that I’m going to col
lege, I’m healthy and have the
rare freedom to live my life as I
see fit. I realize that I have it
pretty damn good and should
get my butt out of bed and do
something constructive.
In everyone else’s defense,
we all overreact now and then.
I’ve posted my fair share of
negative statuses. That being
said, it really doesn’t do any
good. It’s the Internet equiva
lent of standing in front of
Bruno’s, shouting into a mega
phone and telling the entire
campus about how your break
up went.
So please, stop making bla
tantly obvious, attention seek
ing Facebook statuses.
Maybe your ex might see it
and feel a slight twinge of guilt,
but mostly, everyone else will
see it and just get annoyed with
how insecure you are. This
might cause your trusty friend
of the opposite sex (who se
cretly wants you) to come run
ning to your side, but even
he/she can only take so much.
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MY VOICE
With April Fools’ Day occur
ring on the day this article
comes out to print, you might
think an article about playing
pranks will only be relevant for
a day.
However, there is one key
rule to April
have all of Apr
people.
Isn’t it obvio\
people expect 01
try and pull
over on them o»
Apr. 1 . They
put their
guard up, and
they are just a
bit more un
believing of
anything and
everything
you say.
But
Apr. 2?
That
guard goes down,
and that is when
your opportunity
opens up.
You want some pranks to pull
on people? You got 'em.
Prank #1: Tell your parents
that you are pregnant. This one
only works for the ladies, and it
especially works over the
phone. Heck, I’ll even volun
teer my name as the pretend fa-
ther. However, if you are
actually pregnant, I ask you not
to use my name. After all, just
like in art class, I don’t take
credit for something I didn’t
create.
Prank #2: Tell someone a fa
mous person has died. Yes, it is
cruel and heartless, but it cer
tainly qualifies as an April
Fools’ joke. Walk up to some
one and tell them that Jesse
James died. Then again, after
cheating on Sandra Bullock
Have something on your mind?
,) <■ Wantto respond to an article?
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Submissions must be
less than 350 words in length.
Check every week for our new section:
-Letters to the Editor
STAFF EDITORIAL
This week's Beacon
is all in good fun
This week the Behrend Bea
con runs its annual Bare End
Bacon April Fools’ Day issue.
The satire used in the A section
of the Bacon is a means to ex
ercise our collective satirical
writing skills, as well as to en
hance our sense of humor and
yours.
Satire is a major practice in
the literary arts, in which the
composer uses ridicule, irony
and sarcasm to get a point, ob
vious or subtle, across to the
reader.
Satirical literature is often
used to criticize people or ob
jects that the composer believes
does not attain an acceptable
standard. It may be practically
argued that satire offensively
attacks its subjects, which is
not the principle the Beacon
bases any of its content on.
Well executed satire sends a
message that a serious tone
cannot.
It can be constructive, which
is what the Beacon aims to be.
At the same rate, a significant
portion of the Bacon’s content
does not serve to attack or be
constructive to its subjects. It
simply provides hilarity in ref
erence to its subject’s distinc
tiveness and ordeals.
Single copies of the Beacon are free and available at newsstands around campus. Additional copies can be pur
chased with permission of the editor-in-chief for $ l .50 each.
Opinions expressed herein are not necessarily those of all students, faculty or University administration. Opin
ions expressed in columns, cartoons, and letters are not necessarily those of The Behrend Beacon unless otherwise
indicated.
The tools to
April Fools
with a tattooed freak, you
might not find anyone who
would care.
Prank #3: Replace your
roommate’s shampoo with
baby oil. While your roommate
is away at class, sneak
• oil into their
lottle. Enjoy
them come
shower, with
resembles
taby penguin
in oil spill.
this one,
'ever, you
' to be on the
out for a re
:e prank.
BRANDON BOYD
leave them a park
ing ticket, and
charge them a decent amount
of money for a college student,
like, say, sls...wait a second,
Penn State Behrend Police
Services already uses this one.
My bad.
senior writer
to strike
Prank #5: Hide a few alarm
clocks around the library; set
them off in five minute inter
vals.
Librarians are notorious for
yelling at people to be quiet.
Imagine their pain when an
alarm clock goes off and they
can’t silence the noise. When
they finally find the alarm
clock, they can only enjoy the
silence for a few short mo
ments, when the next alarm
clock goes off and what hap
pens when that next one goes
off? They’ll be adding an “it” to
the end of that “Shh...”
The central purpose of the
Bacon is to sardonically poke
fun at our campus and us, too.
Hence the article, “Beacon pub
lishes well-written, well-re
searched, unbiased
journalistically-sound articles.”
While you read the Bacon’s
April Fools’ Day section please
take into account that you are
reading dry humor written by
poor-humored collegiate jour
nalists. If you have already read
it without a sense of humor
please read it again with one. It
is an absurd parody not to be
taken seriously.
It is our wish that the subjects
and topics of the Bacon’s con
tent and the readers of the Bea
con recognize our attempt and
hopefully the execution of
tastefully utilizing satire in our
Bacon April Fools Day content.
The Bacon April Fools’ Day
issue is a revived tradition for
the Beacon after taking a hiatus
from Apr. 1, 2000 to Apr. 1,
2009. April Fools’ Day issues
are essentially a staple of colle
giate newspapers across the
country, a staple that the Bea
con hopes to employ for years
to come.
ihotos taken b'
inion
ank #4:
ike fake
king tickets
md put them
in cars. Go
ip to random
cars and
Shawn Annarelli for the
Behrend Beacon Editorial Board
Daniel Smith / Behrend Beacon