DISCLAIMER: THIS IS A PARODY - NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY. SPORTS ARTS CRAFTS & CIRCUS EVENTS Penn State to play half of football games at commonwealth campuses SEEN AS THE HIGHLIGHT OF JACK BURKE'S PSU CAREER Rachel Reeves and Connor Sattely shouldn't be writing sports Hope this doesn't end up on ESPN After years of Behrend stu dents traveling on weekends to University Park to support the Penn State football team, things are about to turn around. Starting next year, half of all games each season will be played out on the Penn State Behrend campus. Joe Paterno has expressed interest in reaching out to the satellite campuses of Penn State. "It's their football team, too," he growled in a press con ference a few months ago. He hopes that if this game is suc- Commonwealth Campuses file complaint Connor Sattely managing frdlwr cisso6o(apsu edu Penn State's Commonwealth campuses, according to a recent report released by the Chancellor's office, have filed a complaint to University Park about the domination of Behrend's sports teams. "It's just not fair," wrote one campus. "I mean, they have Adam Kaiser, and that's just not fair." Brian Streeter, Director of Athletics at Behrend, was not available for comment, as he was busy running a victory lap around Erie County. "I think it's great," said my mom. "Study hard, get lots of sleep." An area man expressed sur prise at the campus's domi nance. "I told you to get away from me," he pined. "I don't even know where Behrend is!" Several Erie officials have drafted legislation that would require all Behrend athletes to wear burlap sacks while partic ipating in athletic events. Stay tuned to the Beacon for details. #8 Jill Caldwell's newborn child (Cerberus) C #1 Christa Morris Christa "The RUB Desk Rampage" Morris squares off against #8 seed Jill Caldwell's Newborn Child(Cerebus). Though Morris's 102- 1-0 record (with only a loss to Liam Neeson) far outweighs the inex perience of Cerebus's 0-0-0 record, Cerebus actually has three heads with razor sharp teeth. Probably will be an advantage. Note: Match will commence upon birth of Cerebus. [For more on Cerebus, see page 3 - Jill Caldwell's triplets actually three-headed monster] #7 Erin Kennedy @ #2 Jill Caldwell The Jill "Cold-Blooded" Caldwell faces off against Erin "The Kind Killer" Kennedy in a battle between an expectant mother and the SGA Babysitter. Kennedy brings to the table a thorough knowledge of Governmental procedures and policies, while Caldwell brings a rabid will to defend her child (who will concurrently be fighting Christa Morris, above), and to defend her title as Behrend MMA Champion for years to come. Penn State Behrend Mixed Martial Arts (Men's) #8 Bradley Kovalcik @, #1 Ken Miller Miller #7 Edward Miseta(Sober) @ #2 Jack Burke #6 Edward Miseta(Drunk) Ca #3 Craig Berger #5 Tom Atkins @, #4 Tom Hemminger Atkins Hemminger Atkins Penn State Behrend Mixed Martial Arts (Women's) #8 Jill Caldwell's newborn(Cerberus) @ #1 Christa Morris Morris #7 Erin Kennedy @ #2 Jill Caldwell #6 Rachel Reeves #3 Mary-Ellen Madigan #5 Meeghan Hollis C #4 Lynn Oborski cessful for a few years, the team could play their entire schedule at commonwealth campuses. University Park stu dents probably have no prob lem with this, sources con firmed on, like, Friday. To support the occasion of its opening night, Behrend is investing in a multi-million dol lar football stadium. "We want the players to feel at home," says Ken Miller, Director of Student Affairs. "Also, it's not like we can let University Park show us up." Currently, Beaver Stadium in State College holds the record for the largest American college football sta dium. However, the University of Michigan is looking forward to breaching this record on completion of construction in 2010 with over 108,000 seats. "We're going to build it right into the gorge," says Ken Miller. "We'll save millions in construction, be able to hold more seats than ever before, and the stadium will live on for hundreds of years to come." When asked if the goal was to Study: Runners run faster when chased by zombies Connor Sattely managing Ithitur cisso6oolpsu.edu A new study released by the Runners Undead Athletics Advisory Research and Re development Group of Houston (RUAARRGH) has recently released a study relat ing success in cross country to inspiration derived by zom bies. "Our studies point out a 40 percent increase in running speed over a span of 12 miles," the study says. "And we base this on absolutely nothing." RUAARRGH President, Nimrod Stevens 111, explained that the study would provide opportunity for the living dead everywhere. A zombie himself, he noted his own personal pride in the newfound use for his skills. "Mmmmngh! Mmmmarrrgh," he said. "BRAINS!" Cross Country veteran Matthew Alto said that he doubted the study would prove correct. "Sure, in theory, zom bies would probably make peo ple run faster," he said. "But Behrend MMA WOMEN'S DIVISION Beat The Experts Season Totals: beat out Michigan's long sought-after record, Miller laughs. "Michigan? Forget Michigan. The Coliseum needs to look out." Many people want to know if the strain of a University Park football weekend will be too much for Behrend. The pri mary concern is parking. Students feel that finding a "I guess it made more sense in my head." -Some guy spot is already difficult on a day-to-day basis, and that a football Saturday will more than push maximum capacity. "Don't worry about it," says an official from Police and Safety. "We have more parking space than ever before!" When the administration at University Park was politely asked by football fans why this real zombies can't run." The study points to the fact that zombies could hide within a spectating crowd at an invita tional, blending in with the apathetic faces of college stu dents, only to jump out to scare runners to victory. "I think it's really going to help out our team," said Cross Country Head Coach Dave Cooper. "I'm just glad I'm retir ing before we have to go round up some zombies." He held up #6 Rachel Reeves @ #3 Mary-Ellen Madigan Rachel "Writing Rumbler" Reeves could have used a home-field advantage here, as she could have used the Beacon newsroom to elicit a forfeit from her foe. Mary-Ellen "Glenhill Guru" Madigan will take on the editor-in-chief of the Beacon in a battle between the woman who decides who gets in to the University and the woman who decides if anyone cares. #5 Meeghan Hollis @ #4 Lynn Oborski Meeghan "The Hammer" Hollis will be a handful for fellow Reed Union rumbler Lynn "The Big 0" Oborski. Oborski will assail Hollis with her financial prowess and power over students, while Hollis is quietly gaining support from her staff of RA's. The RA's have stormed the ring for Hollis before, in her co-ed victory over fellow Student Affairs fighter Ken "The Mustache" Miller. Oborski may use SGA funding to hire her own mob, if she gets the application for funding in by Friday at 5 p.m. to Lynn Oborski at the RUB Desk. Connor Kovalcik Kovalcik Kovalcik Kovalcik Miseta(Sober) Burke Miseta(Drunk) Miseta(Drunk) Miseta(Drunk) Miseta(Drunk) Berger Cerberus Cerberus Cerberus Cerberus Caldwell Kennedy Kennedy Caldwell Kennedy Madigan Reeves Hollis Hollis 4128-1 4-21 8-409 100-47 401-2 DISCLAIMER: THIS IS A PARODY - NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY. decision was made, they referred students to enrollment data. "Total Penn State enroll ment is about 96,000," said one administrator who I forget exactly who it was. "And University Park accounts for about 44,000 of that. Less than half." He paused. "I guess it made more sense in my head." The administrator was busy taking questions and blows to the head from an angry mob, and was not available for a pri vate interview afterwards, dispite multiple calls to the morgue. Another worry for many is feeding the masses of people that will be flowing through the campus. Behrend adminis trators seem unconcerned. "I am unconcerned," says Miller. "Don't forget the recent opening of Hungry Howie's, right across the street. I mean, the lines could get excruciat ingly and violently long. But it's not like anyone will starve." "Those suckers bite." Later, Cooper was seen writhing as the T-Virus spread through his veins. Still, even Cooper could admit, several days later, that the zombie apocalypse could provide the kick that Behrend's running program needs, though the program has been wildly successful. "YARGH. MMMAAAR RRGH," he noted. "Margh. Rawr. Brains." Heather Emily_ Burke Burke Atkins Reeves Reeves Oborski Hollis r THIS SPORTS The Behrend Underwater Basketweaving team will travel to Penn State Altoona at 4:32 p.m. Women's horseshoes hosts Gannon at 8:00 p.m on the Library roof. Men's horseshoes hosts Gannon at 10:00 p.m. on the Library roof, if no police have been called yet Behrend's Mens and Women's Curling and Shuffleboard team will take on Southeastern Michigan at half past midnight. Men's gorilla wrestling will face the Southern California Primate Pinners at Lincoln, Nebraska, at 4:00 p.m. Free hat Behrend's faculty basketball team will host a team of beached whales in the Junker gym at 4:00 p.m. Don't go, it'll probably The School of Engineering will engage the School of Science at the second annual Spontaneous Combustion Competition. at 13:01 p.m. Spectators are encouraged to bring a raincoat. Flammable squirrel tossing will begin at 9:30 p.m. in the Reed lobby. BYOS (Bring your own squirrels). Behrend's Compressed Air Tank Hammer Throwing team (Men's and Women's) will travel to Mercyhurst at 4:00 p.m Cannibalism Potluck will begin at 5:30 p.m. in Dobbins Dining Hall. BYOC (Bring your own corpses) The first annual Zombie Gauntlet will take place in the emp tied Junker Center pool at 8:00 p.m. Participants should come with their own lead pipe, crowbar, and/or chainsaw. No projectile weapons will be permitted for the safety of zombie spectators. The fourteenth annual "Buff Ken Miller's Head" Competition will take place on the Reed lawn at 11:21 p.m. Competitors are expected to bring their own shoe polish. Or just spit. I. Remember, "Find the Typos and Annoy Us About Them" 1 is always ongoing. Judging for annoyance, persistance, 1 1 and originality at 4:00 p.m. at the RUB Desk. o , - LAST WEEK'S M. Squirrels W Squirrels M. Horseshoes by Connor Sattely Burke Atkins Madigan Hollis WEEK' S kicionsiol WEDNESDAY, APRIL 1 THURSDAY, APRIL 2 be a blow-out. Get it? FRIDAY, APRIL 3 MONDAY, APRIL 6 SPORTS All wins in italic text SATURDAY, MARCH 28 Behrend 9 Pitt-Bradford 0 Behrend 3 Frostburg St. 2 Behrend 4, horseshoes 0 Behrend MMA MEN'S DIVISION #1 KEN MILLER VS. #8 BRADLEY KOVALCIK The master fights the apprentice in this classic Student Affairs brawl. Ken "The Moustache" Miller, with his dangerously shiny head, brutal mustache, and mean right hook, will bring a challenge to Bradley "Curly Crusher" Kovalcik, whose MMA record is 1-24-2, the only victory being against a pack of cigarettes. The two ties were against two goldfish without bowls. #2 JACK BURKE VS. #7 ED MISETA (SOBER) Possibly the most intriguing matchup, this pits Behrend heavyweight Jack "The Chancellor Champion" Burke against Edward "Economic Equalizer" Miseta, the up-and-coming challenger from the REDC. Miseta will likely be defenseless and unpre pared, however, without his trademark "Vodka belch." #3 CRAIG BERGER VS. #6 ED MISETA(DRUNK) Craig "The Bear" Berger, who came in as a third seed in the tournament due to massive size and sheer lovability, faces the Economic Equalizer with a full arsenal of punches, kicks, and Grey Goose. Berger will likely have his hands full with Miseta, who will put up a great fight until he passes out. #4 TOM HEMMINGER VS. #5 TOM ATKINS Tom "Starscream" Hemminger, who was mysteriously absent from a weigh-in, is rumored to have ability to use his engineer ing skills to turn into a fighter jet. Tom "Weatherman welterweight" Atkins, howev er, will be quite a challenge for the engineer ing upstart, as reports have shown that not only can he influence the weather, he com mands it. by Connor Sattely
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