I The Behrend Beacon
A farewell greeting letter from the editor
By Jeremy korwek
Humor Editor
That is right folks. another year another Humor
Page and it has been upgraded. With two new addi
tions. famous people' You read me right: Internet
celebrities have allowed our little paper to reprint
some of their great work. But I will get to them in
a minute. first off let me tell yOll a little about
myself. I am Jeremy Korwek. and I will he your
Humor editor for the next tw o semesters. Anyways,
I have always been a fan of the Humor Page, and a
fan of the Beacon. Why. you might ask, well
because this is college and college is a time for you
to express yourself. What better way to do that then
through a newspaper. one of the most protected
sources of information in the United States.
Anyways. now on to the presents that I brought.
those famous people I talked about earlier.
We have from the sunm, state of Florida Adam
Koford. otherwise known as "Ape Lad." He is the
DON'T FORGET TO VALIDATE YOUR PARKING
I am narcissistic enough to believe my
words are worth your time You're
probably going to hate me for making you
read my stories, for forcing you to
vicariously live through my characters -
-- and experiencing my world-views -- but
that's okay, because I'm Just vain enough
to believe you' n be a better person for
it I think I can teach you a few things -
show you something you haven't seen
before, take you places you've never
imagined possible. Take note of my
philosophy. my pet peeves. my nuanced
observations of life and death, right and
*rang. rich and iSoor, up and don*. tikrik
and white, etc
Jump into my storm of conflicts here
we ore. small town mentality in a big city
breaking rules we never learned, writing
in the margins of a page with no text,
maple tree laughter in orange October
-- calamities of timelessness -- oh yes,
some of it is sod, parts guilt and regret
but fuck. am I smiling Inside
Of Bees and Buzkashi
By Bryce Sayers
Greetings, readers! Let me be one of the first to say
hello and welcome to 2008, a year that, like many years
before it shall begin with winter and blossom into
spring. Spring is a time when snow stops falling and
flowers bloom. This is because the temperature is
above the freezing point of water, so when April comes
around we can expect rain. As the old nursery rhyme
goes - April showers bring May flowers," and what do
May flowers bring?
June bees! Yes, bees: fuzzy insects that live in
colonies ranging from five to one thousand workers,
soldiers, drones, a queen bee and the princess bees.
What is a queen bee, you ask? Queen bees start
their lives as princess bees that fly out of the hive and
get married to drones. After the wedding the drones
put babies in the princess's tummy and die because they
lived only for copulation. The spirit of this ritual has
been replicated faithfully in human society as the "hon
eymoon," Why is it called this? Because honey comes
from bees and pees come from the moon, of course!
After the honeymoon the queen builds a nest and starts
laying eggs. These eggs will hatch into the rest of the
colony and will be told lies about their father.
Can you imagine how many people would be in
a colony? The truth is you can imagine! Go to a foot
ball stadium; try to do this when a game is going on.
Imagine that every one in that stadium is alive because
HUMOR
artist behind the comic "The-Laugh-Out-Loud-
Cats" which will he a regular on the Humor page.
The other new addition is that of "DON'T FOR
GET TO VALIDATE YOUR PARKING, - a comic
coming straight out of Hollywood. The screen
writer Mike Le brings DFTVYP to us, he has
worked with some big names, like Wes Anderson
and Owen Wilson. Mike Le is also the Vice
President of HQ Pictures.
Now just because we have some big names on the
page that does not mean you can slack off. The
humor page cannot exist on two comics alone. It
needs a well balanced diet of satire and parody as
well. So all of you aspiring creative writers, or
engineers who have a funny side, show it off. You
heard me send in your funny stories drawings, doo
dles, pictures, or tales. You never know you may
end up being the next famoas person on the Humor
page.
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of your acts of carnal sin. Now demand beer from the
people around you and when they question your authority
you can retort, "Because I am your mother. I brought you
into this world, and so help you God I can take you out!"
If you are rewarded with free beer served by way of kiss
es then congratulations, you are the queen bee of the foot
ball rectangle!
Now, we all know that bees do not live in football
stadiums, except for those who build their nests under the
bleachers or in place of the football, but did you know
bees do not produce beer either? This is because they are
devout teetotalers and have renounced the alcohol indus
try forever. In its stead they make honey from the pollen
of flowers. The bees responsible for gathering and pro
cessing pollen are called "workers," Did you know that
worker bees are female, but do not get married to drones
like princesses do? This is because they prefer kisses
from other lady bees to the company of male drones so
they fight their guilt by working really hard for the good
of the queen. The next time someone says you are "busy
like a bee," they are saying you would be an excellent
lesbian. It is a compliment!
And now some FAQ U B's (Frequently Asked
Questions for Understanding Bees).
Q: Why do bees have black and yellow stripes?
A: Bees wear stripes in a horizontal pattern to
accentuate their figures. In bee society the curvy, or
The people who can count will get it
Mike Le
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Kitteh !
Struggle with me and I --
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HELLO' I
"rubenesque" appearance is prized, especially among
the workers.
Q: Why do bees die after they sting?
A: Bees are sincere pacifists but are prone to
anger and acts of violence in dire moments. When
they sting another living creature they are overcome
with remorse and commit hari-bee-kari.
Q: I am being harassed by creatures that look
like bees but show obvious disdain to their tenets of
nonviolence, why?
A: You are likely a victim of hornets, dishonor
able Martian invaders who mimic and sometimes
outright terrorize bees. You cannot rely on moral argu
ments to placate hornets, only swift and mighty fists
will end the encounter in your favor.
I hope my laborious documentation on these
marvelous creatures has imparted scintillating informa
tion. Best wishes for spring and vote "no" on hornets
in the upcoming election.
Friday, January 18, 2008
Adam "Ape Lad" Koford
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